Manic Monday

Originally posted on my Private Blog(edited to assure anonymity), April 29, 2010

Josh was placed in the Psychiatric Pavilion of our local hospital yesterday and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder.

I'm heartbroken by this turn of events.

Sunday, Josh visited his Father. He hadn't slept the night before and he was gone all day. When he got home he said that he and his Dad had spent the day together talking. He felt very good about the way the day went. He laid down and slept a few hours. That evening, when he got up, he and I talked for four or five hours. He was very talkative, but the conversation was normal and very interesting.

I went to bed that night and awoke around 2 AM. Josh was still up, and we talked another four or five hours until it was time for me to shower and get ready for work. When I left for work he was fine.

I returned about three hours later to find him still up and it didn't take long for me to figure out that something was very wrong with him.

He was talking 90 MPH and his thoughts were racing all over the place. He talked about the 'truths' he had discovered and his need to get the 'truth' to as many people as possible. He felt that this was his purpose in this life, so that in the next life he could become a God. And then he said, "That's why I went to the High School today."

I calmly asked questions about his 'trip to the High School' and found that he'd gone there because he felt compelled to go there to help 'someone' learn the 'truth'. He went into a lot of detail about his visit, the four people he talked with there, none of whom seemed to be interested in the help he was offering.

I knew he'd gone to the High School because he showed me a piece of paper that the receptionist had given him. She had written one of his teacher's phone numbers on it, then on the line below she wrote 'X' and an extension number, then she drew a line and below that she wrote the teacher's email address. It looked like a math equation.

"And see Mom, she wrote it like an equation! And THIS is the answer," he said pointing to the email address, "all along I've thought that God made a mistake, he didn't allow for something like the internet, how it's negatively impacted our lives, so I thought he screwed that up, but LOOK! She gave me the answer, and the answer is technology! THAT'S how I'm supposed to spread the truth, on the internet!"

As I sat listening to him blathering on, my mind was racing, trying to figure out what to do. Eventually I decided to call my older son, Jordan and ask him to come over and help me decide how to handle the situation.

My plan was to use the restroom and call Jordan from there, but Josh was stuck to me like glue. When I said I needed to use the restroom and I'd be right back, Josh said, "Oh, I'll go with you!" And he continued with his train of thought.

"You can't go with me!"

"Sure I can. Mom you shouldn't be embarrassed by your body, it's the vessel God gave you to walk around in."

"Well, you are not going in the bathroom with me, I'll be right back."

So I snuck in the bathroom and called Jordan and told him, "Don't ask questions, just get over here NOW....and act like you just decided to stop by."

When Jordan got there, he had NO idea what was going on, so he did what big brother's always do, he began arguing with Josh about the nonsense that Josh was spewing.

I'd have thought Jordan would have known better than to argue with a crazy person, but apparently not.

In no time, Josh began to get agitated with Jordan and pretty soon he was in tears, clearly in pain because Jordan 'didn't understand him'.

I asked Josh to take our dog, Blackie out back for a few minutes and I took Jordan in the garage and let him have it.

In his defense he said, "God dammit Mom! I'm not gonna just sit there and listen to him carry on like that, it's ridiculous. I hate it when he gets like this!"

"You've seen him like this before?!!"

"Yes, and it's always when he's not slept the night before. He's come over three times and acted just like that."

"God, why didn't you tell me?"

In the end, Jordan calmed down and kept Josh distracted while I called the Stress Center where Josh had gone last January when suffering from Depression. They advised me to take him in for an assessment or call the police and ask them to come and do a Safety Check on him. If they determined that he was a danger to himself or others, they would be able to take him by force for an assessment.

Neither option set very well with me. I honestly didn't think I could convince Josh to go with me to the hospital. I was afraid he'd get upset and leave. On the other hand, I couldn't stomach the idea of Josh being dragged away in handcuffs in the back of a police car.

And then two police officers arrived at our door, apparently alerted by the High School.

Josh and Jordan were in the Garage talking. I stepped out onto the porch and talked to the officers and told them what was going on, the state that Josh was in and asked them what they intended to do. They said they would tell Josh that the High School had been concerned about his demeanor and asked them to check on his welfare, that they would try to determine if Josh was a danger to himself or others, and if he was, they would take him for an assessment.

I went out into the garage and opened the garage door and told Josh that a couple of gentlemen wanted to talk to him. Josh was not the least bit ruffled when he saw two police officers standing there.

I cannot tell you how impressed I was by the way the officers handled Josh. They were respectful, professional, caring and concerned. They talked to Josh for close to an hour and Josh was very honest with them about his reasons for going to the High School. They discussed his prior stay at the Stress Center, the medication he had been taking for depression and his abrupt cessation of it, and I think he told them a little bit about the 'truth'.

The officer came in and told me that Josh agreed to go to the hospital for an assessment, but asked if he couldn't just have an assessment by his normal therapist who he was seeing the next morning. The officer felt that either option would work, he didn't sense that Josh was a danger to himself or others. We decided to let his therapist do the assessment. After talking calmly with Jordan and then the officers, Josh was much less manic so I thought that waiting would be OK.

That probably wasn't the wisest decision for several reasons. First of all, later that evening I realized that we would go to the therapist in the morning and he would surely say that Josh needed to be in the Psych Ward and we'd be right back to possibly having to drag him away in handcuffs. Secondly, while Josh seemed calmer when the officers left, he became fairly manic again fairly quickly. He was scheduled to work that night and I couldn't imagine how he could possibly carry off a shift in his condition.

Jordan said that Josh had been in that state at his house one night and left his house and went to work. "Mom, it might actually be good for him to get out of his head for a while, let him go to work."

So I mentioned to Josh that if he went to work, he wouldn't be able to talk about the 'truth' there.

"Of course I won't. I'll be thinking about it, cause I can do my job by rote, but I won't talk about it."

Looking back, I can't believe I let him go to work, but I did and he apparently did fine, because he came back four hours later. He was 'better', but still a bit manic. I kept encouraging him to go to bed because we had to get up early the next morning, but he wasn't tired.

So I fed him.

That did the trick, pretty soon he was sawing logs.

I slept on the couch to assure I would hear him if he got up. I didn't want him out spreading the truth in the middle of the night.

It was hard getting him up the next morning and he got fairly belligerent with me.

"Josh, you promised the police officer that you would see Peter this morning."

"Well, reschedule it."

"No, the officer said that if you wouldn't go with me this morning, to call him and he'd come and take you. Should I call him?"

"No! Get out of my room and I'll get up."

The therapist met with both Josh and me and it was hard for me to basically say, in front of Josh, "Josh has lost his mind", without coming out and saying it, but I was able to get my point across without insulting Josh. The therapist felt Josh was in a manic stage of Bi-Polar Disorder and told Josh that he needed to go to the hospital for further assessment. Josh was agreeable to that, but refused to sign a release for Peter to speak to the hospital prior to our arrival.

In his manic state, Josh became very big on the concept of 'things happening the way they're supposed to'. He felt that if the hospital wanted to talk to Peter, he'd sign a release there.

Like I said, it's kind of useless arguing with a crazy person.

As we drove to the hospital, Josh was becoming more awake and more manic. He talked a lot about his fears, wondering and worrying if this was the best thing to do. I reassured him that it was and that if he looks back he'd realize that I helped him find the right place when he became suicidal.

"You're right. OK, I trust you and if you think this is best, then I'll do it."

Thankfully he said that all day long as the decisions became harder.

We were at the hospital for five hours before they admitted him and he was very manic all day. We spent most of the time alone together in a small room with him talking non-stop, his thoughts zooming around the room at light speed THE ENTIRE TIME.

By the time they admitted him I was exhausted, and he was worse, having expended more energy sitting still for five hours than I'd expend were I running full out for the same amount of time.

I was so proud of how he handled himself. He was respectful to everyone he encountered, and while he was clearly confused, he struggled to understand what was being told to him and he asked appropriate questions about his disorder, the medications used for it and what the hospitalization would entail.

He signed himself into the facility and was told it would be about an hour before they would be taking him up to his room.

"Could my mom take me to get a bite to eat instead of waiting here?"

So we went for a late lunch. He told me he was nervous, especially because they didn't have a bed for him in one unit, so the unit they were putting him in was more restrictive and he wouldn't be allowed visitors AT ALL.

We talked about who he wanted me to call (his Dad, his brother, his Boss, a couple of his friends) and what things he wanted me to bring back to him, and then he looked at me and said, "Mom, I love you so much, I couldn't have done this without you."

I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it is to sit and watch your CHILD in that state.

And act like you're discussing a new movie.

When I came home from the hospital, without my child, I walked into his room and basically fell apart. Every ounce of control I had used for two days trying not to let Josh see my concern was gone and I totally lost it.

I have a lot of people supporting me and everyone I've told about Josh's diagnosis has relayed a story of someone they know who is Bi-Polar and lives anything from 'perfectly normal' lives to 'amazing lives'. But the reality is that many people truly suffer with Bi-Polar Disorder. Many people stop taking their medications and suffer their entire lives. Others are medicated and still experience depressive and manic stages.

Sitting here, I have no idea how this disorder will affect Josh's life or my own. It's quite possible Josh will need care giving his entire life, or he may be one of the lucky ones who excels in spite of being Bi-Polar.

When I called his Father, he was pretty upset by the news. His mother had mental health issues and while we were married, she had one episode and wound up in the Psych ward.

"Do you remember when your Mom was in the Psych Ward? THAT's exactly what Josh was like the last two days, only with much more intelligence."

Neither he or I could remember what they diagnosed his Mother with, but Bi-Polar disorder is almost always genetic and there is no mental illness on my side of the family, so I have one more thing to blame my ex for.

Just kidding.

Josh will be hospitalized for three to four days and when he comes home, he won't be stabilized. I'm going to have to put together a schedule over the weekend so someone will be here with him 24/7. Beyond that, there's not much for me to do but wait.

Josh and I are able to communicate via phone and he calls me often. Every time I talk to him he sounds better. The last time I talked to him this evening, he sounded like his old self.

And then he started crying and telling me how much he loves me and how horrible he feels for being such a shit to me for the last six months.

"Honey, stop it. You haven't been yourself for the last six months and I understand that."

"But Mom, you don't understand, I've been denying you and how could I do that? I was laying in bed a little while ago thinking about you, about how when we were sitting in that room all day you were so loving and kind to me. You need to teach me how you do that, I want to be the kind of person you are."

"Josh, I'm a parent, that's what parents do. One of these days you'll be a parent and you'll see what I mean."

He told me he remembered how manic he had been, "And I NEVER wanna be like that again!"

I hope he remembers that and stays on his meds, otherwise both are lives are going to be very difficult.