When Josh landed in the hospital and the man who had evaluated him opened his mouth and said, "Your son is in a mild manic state and from his history, it's clear that he has Bipolar Disorder," I was too exhausted and frightened to fully get the gravity of the diagnosis.
Oh, I knew it was bad.
I remember standing and talking with a teacher on Field Day when Jordan was in Elementary School. For some reason, this woman shared with me the story of her son, who was what was then called Manic-Depressive. Unfortunately, it was a fairly typical story of a young man who struggled against the Disorder and lost his battle with it at the age of 24 by killing himself.
I can remember so clearly having the sensation of this woman's pain pouring over me in waves.
So, I knew it was bad.
But I really knew nothing at all.
I now know more than I ever wanted to know about this Disorder, and I'm pretty sure I'll never stop learning.
The internet is a both a blessing and a curse when researching something of this nature. There is a wealth of useful information to be had and what you read there can scare the holy crap out of you.
I visited message boards and forums and the stories I read kept me awake at night, it seemed like everyone was so badly affected by Bipolar. What I quickly realized though is that the people who are posting on message boards fall into one of maybe three categories.
1. People like myself who are new to the Disorder and are seeking help.
2. People who are struggling with the disorder and are seeking help.
3. People who have the disorder and have no intention of addressing it properly, but want to whine.
The fact of the matter is, that for the most part, people who are struggling post on message boards. People who have control over the disorder and are living perfectly normal lives, thankyouverymuch, are out living their perfectly normal lives and not posting messages on boards and forums.
So keep that in mind when you are searching for information. Don't be discouraged by the dearth of happily ever after you read there.
While searching for information about various medications, there are horror stories aplenty too. Because these drugs affect everyone so differently, it can be disheartening to read about other's experiences with side effects and withdrawal symptoms. It is beyond alarming what some people have been through on the journey for the right combination of medications.
It didn't take me long to decide that I needed a book. A good book. A simple, but thorough book, and so I headed to Borders.
I came home with a book that I felt was appropriate to the situation, "Bipolar For Dummies", because I definitely qualified as a Dummy on the subject.
As a starter book, I would highly recommend this one. It covers all aspects of the Disorder and has a section for Caretakers. It is very technical in explaining the Disorder and I completely understood what "happens" in the Bipolar Brain. Granted, I couldn't explain it to anyone else if my life depended on it, but I understood it as I read it.
The book was copyrighted several years ago, so the information may not be the most up-to-date, but I still think it provides a good jumping off point in the quest for Knowledge.
Next I contacted the local chapter of The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: DBSA and I began attending Support Group meetings.
This was a difficult step for me to take, and I hate to admit it, but it took me several weeks to make that call. And another week to actually attend a meeting. It seemed like stepping across that threshold was me acknowledging the reality of Josh's illness.
Yes, even parents have to work through denial.
If you're faced with a diagnosis of Bipolar, get over your denial quicker than I did, because the help and support you will find at DBSA will be invaluable to you. I actually look forward to our Monday night meetings.
Once I'd armed myself with knowledge and support, I realized that I didn't have a clue how to actually deal with my son on a day to day basis.
All of a sudden this son of mine was completely unfamiliar to me. He was unstable when he came home from the hospital, and while the medications had brought him down from his high, his disordered and occasional delusional thought processes were something totally new to me. I had no idea how to communicate with him.
At a time when I REALLY needed to be able to communicate with him effectively.
Josh displayed HORRIBLE rages when he came home, all directed at me. Anything was liable to set him off. One day he was sitting in my office talking to me and a bird flew by my office window. In a natural response to peripheral movement, I shifted my eyes to the window. Josh jumped up, pounded his fist in the middle of my desk hard enough to make things on it jump, and screamed at me, "Pay attention when I talk to you!" Clearly I'd done nothing 'wrong', but in his mind I was Satan incarnate sent up from the bowels of hell with the express purpose of infuriating him. His rages could have been induced by the medication, irritability IS one of the lovely attibutes of Bipolar Disorder, but some medications ramp it up a notch, to one notch just below homicidal.
So I learned. Slowly. Over WEEKS.
The problem was that everyday, a different version of Josh climbed out of bed. What worked yesterday in that mood, inflamed him today in this mood.
I'll save anyone out there who is dealing with a newly diagnosed Bipolar person some time and tell you a little secret. No matter what, stay calm and agree with everything they say.
OK, so I hate to admit this too, but early on I would make matters worse by arguing with Josh and occasionally I got downright mad at him.
Who wouldn't? Seriously?!
It takes time to realize that this person in front of you HAS NO CONCEPT OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
Oh, you know it on an intellectual level, but it takes real effort to remember that in the heat of a very violent moment.
The truth is that stress is one of the worst things for a Bipolar person. Stress builds and builds and builds inside them, and can send them directly into a manic state; do not pass go, do not collect your Seroquel.
So for days, maybe even weeks *shudders* I made matters worse for Josh, and myself, but I learned. Eventually I learned.
I learned to agree with anything he said, "Yes, I'm the most horrible parent in the world, I don't know how you've lived with me all these years, and yes, I need therapy and probably a parenting class or two."
But the biggest thing I learned was to let go and let God.
And God seems to be doing a pretty good job of handling this, because yesterday? JOSH climbed out of bed. My Josh. The one I knew before that awful man in the hospital uttered those words, the one I knew before depression settled over him like an early morning fog, the one who used to be happy and surrounded by friends, rushing here and there, living a busy, fulfilling life.
It seems the medication has quickly worked its way out of Josh's system and, where he was slow and foggy, he's sharp and bright. Where he was sad and desolate, he's happy and hopeful. He's not the slightest bit manic and his thought processes seem to be in good working order.
Today while I was out of town, Josh went out to play baseball with two of his OLD friends. You know, the friends HE pushed out of his life way back there when he was depressed and on the way to suicidal. And as I type this, one of those friends is in his room with him, doing what they used to do...play a video game.
The most difficult lesson I've learned though is that tomorrow is a complete unknown with this Disorder, especially at the stage of acceptance that we are in.
We aren't treating the Disorder at all at this point, although Josh is being very careful about his sleep schedule, because for him and many who suffer with Bipolar, sleep deprivation is a one way ticket to Mania City.
Josh could be fine for days or months, or possibly even years before the monster rears it's ugly head again. And Josh could wake up TOMORROW headed towards a manic state.
So I've learned to take all this one day at a time, appreciating the good days and looking for more lessons in the bad ones.
Because in the end? I'm just about all Josh has right now and I don't intend to let him down.
Showing posts with label Delusions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Delusions. Show all posts
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Vacation Update
Originally posted on my private blog on May 30, 2010
We're here on this beautiful Florida Island. My time is focused almost solely on Josh. I have a pocket of free time in the mornings because I'm an early riser and Josh sleeps until about 10. I may not be able to finish this post and tie it up with a bow, so I'll get to the important points first.
Josh is doing better everyday.
Our trip down was difficult, but only in the sense that I felt I was traveling with a 12 year old Zombie. Josh didn't talk a lot and when he did there were moments of delusion that popped out. He complained a lot about the medication he was taking, how it made him feel both physically and mentally. I have been concerned that forcing him to stay on this medication for the duration of our vacation was a mistake, there is a fair measure of guilt that comes into play when you hear and see the effects of your decision.
But each day I've seen improvements in his general mood, I've seen very little delusion. He is less Zombie like, but very 'slow' thinking, which is unlike him. Yesterday was the best day yet. We went out to breakfast, did our grocery shopping for the week and then spent several hours at the beach. We drove into town last night and played putt putt, stopped for ice cream and then came back to the condo and watched a movie together.
Josh seems to get very sad in the evenings and there are tears and proclamations that his future is nonexistent.
I talk and cry with him, reassure him that on the other side of all this, there is hope. I hold him when he cries and tell him how much I love him.
Josh told me that he finds this place very relaxing and you can see that in his demeanor. He is very calm, but he worries about the short term memory loss that is a side effect of this medication. I remind him that many of these side effects dissipate over time, that his body and brain are working hard to adjust.
Putt putt is something that the boys and I have always done together, no matter where we vacation. I pretty much suck at it and Josh, being the very competitive person that he is, takes the whole thing very seriously. When he suggested Putt Putt last night it thrilled me that he wanted to do something that was so much a 'normal' part of our vacations.
I schooled him. I've NEVER beaten him at Putt Putt before, the ending score was very close. I was three over par, he was four over. I told him later, "Well, I considered letting you win, like I used to do when you were little."
He got a sly smile and busted out laughing, cause he knows I never LET him win in the past, I just suck.
And right there in that little story is the saddest part of this for me. To see him like he was while we played, his reaction to my little joke...well, it's heartbreaking to think that such a small, seemingly insignificant moment can take on such magnitude, because all I can hang my hat on right now are the smallest of 'victories'.
When we stopped for ice cream last night, the two girls working the counter were HOT, and they were all over him, didn't take their eyes off him. They flirted and he flirted back. Josh so badly wants a girlfriend and he's feeling unattractive and undesirable. The fact of the matter is that Josh is a very good looking guy, but in his current emotional state, he'd scare any girl away who got close enough to see his cracks. Clearly though, he's still 'got it'.
When we sat down with our cones I told him, "Those girls were eye f@*king you."
This town is very different than the island we're staying on. As we drove through, there were hot men and women everywhere, barely clothed. On the island, it's mostly families and couples and the median age is probably 40. Not many hot bodies on the beaches here.
"Maybe you'd like to come over here to the beach one day? It might be more fun than the beach at the condo."
"I dunno Mom. Yea, there are lots more hot girls over here, but I'm not gonna really meet any of them and it might just drive me nuts having to look at them all."
My problem is going to be keeping Josh occupied. I imagine everyday we'll spend several hours on the beach (as long as no oil washes ashore) or at the pool and then we'll have an afternoon activity of some kind planned. I'm going to try to find time tomorrow morning to search for activities off island, I even considered looking into driving to Orlando and spending an evening and day at Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure.
Keeping us occupied could wind up costing me a fortune :)
So, all in all, he's doing as well as I could hope for and I have my fingers crossed that there is no backsliding, that each day continues to present gifts.
I'm missing my boyfriend; missing the vacation that we were supposed to share.
Like Josh, it's easy to look at where my life is at RIGHT NOW and wonder about my own future. I'll be 53 years old in a few weeks and once again, I'm all alone. My desire to find that one special person to spend the rest of my life with seems like just that, desire, with little hope. On the other hand, as Josh said yesterday, "Jesus Mom, you don't LOOK 53, you're in great shape and you're smart and funny, don't count yourself out. Just like those girls in the ice cream store, I see guys checking you out all the time."
"Yea, well, that's what guys do honey, it doesn't mean much."
"Well, guys don't check out the unattractive girls Mom."
I do know this. I feel strongly that everything having to do with this vacation has played out the way it was supposed to. Bringing Josh here was fraught with concerns and yet, so far, I can see that this time can be very valuable for him. This time with ME, this time to adjust to his medication. And I believe the situation with my boyfriend has played out as it was meant to. Who knows, perhaps this is what needed to happen FOR him?
And because I so strongly believe in the concept that everything happens for a reason, I have to have faith that there was a reason for all of this and that God has plans for me and for my future that I can't even imagine at this point.
Now, Josh is up and I'm off to make him breakfast.
We're here on this beautiful Florida Island. My time is focused almost solely on Josh. I have a pocket of free time in the mornings because I'm an early riser and Josh sleeps until about 10. I may not be able to finish this post and tie it up with a bow, so I'll get to the important points first.
Josh is doing better everyday.
Our trip down was difficult, but only in the sense that I felt I was traveling with a 12 year old Zombie. Josh didn't talk a lot and when he did there were moments of delusion that popped out. He complained a lot about the medication he was taking, how it made him feel both physically and mentally. I have been concerned that forcing him to stay on this medication for the duration of our vacation was a mistake, there is a fair measure of guilt that comes into play when you hear and see the effects of your decision.
But each day I've seen improvements in his general mood, I've seen very little delusion. He is less Zombie like, but very 'slow' thinking, which is unlike him. Yesterday was the best day yet. We went out to breakfast, did our grocery shopping for the week and then spent several hours at the beach. We drove into town last night and played putt putt, stopped for ice cream and then came back to the condo and watched a movie together.
Josh seems to get very sad in the evenings and there are tears and proclamations that his future is nonexistent.
I talk and cry with him, reassure him that on the other side of all this, there is hope. I hold him when he cries and tell him how much I love him.
Josh told me that he finds this place very relaxing and you can see that in his demeanor. He is very calm, but he worries about the short term memory loss that is a side effect of this medication. I remind him that many of these side effects dissipate over time, that his body and brain are working hard to adjust.
Putt putt is something that the boys and I have always done together, no matter where we vacation. I pretty much suck at it and Josh, being the very competitive person that he is, takes the whole thing very seriously. When he suggested Putt Putt last night it thrilled me that he wanted to do something that was so much a 'normal' part of our vacations.
I schooled him. I've NEVER beaten him at Putt Putt before, the ending score was very close. I was three over par, he was four over. I told him later, "Well, I considered letting you win, like I used to do when you were little."
He got a sly smile and busted out laughing, cause he knows I never LET him win in the past, I just suck.
And right there in that little story is the saddest part of this for me. To see him like he was while we played, his reaction to my little joke...well, it's heartbreaking to think that such a small, seemingly insignificant moment can take on such magnitude, because all I can hang my hat on right now are the smallest of 'victories'.
When we stopped for ice cream last night, the two girls working the counter were HOT, and they were all over him, didn't take their eyes off him. They flirted and he flirted back. Josh so badly wants a girlfriend and he's feeling unattractive and undesirable. The fact of the matter is that Josh is a very good looking guy, but in his current emotional state, he'd scare any girl away who got close enough to see his cracks. Clearly though, he's still 'got it'.
When we sat down with our cones I told him, "Those girls were eye f@*king you."
This town is very different than the island we're staying on. As we drove through, there were hot men and women everywhere, barely clothed. On the island, it's mostly families and couples and the median age is probably 40. Not many hot bodies on the beaches here.
"Maybe you'd like to come over here to the beach one day? It might be more fun than the beach at the condo."
"I dunno Mom. Yea, there are lots more hot girls over here, but I'm not gonna really meet any of them and it might just drive me nuts having to look at them all."
My problem is going to be keeping Josh occupied. I imagine everyday we'll spend several hours on the beach (as long as no oil washes ashore) or at the pool and then we'll have an afternoon activity of some kind planned. I'm going to try to find time tomorrow morning to search for activities off island, I even considered looking into driving to Orlando and spending an evening and day at Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure.
Keeping us occupied could wind up costing me a fortune :)
So, all in all, he's doing as well as I could hope for and I have my fingers crossed that there is no backsliding, that each day continues to present gifts.
I'm missing my boyfriend; missing the vacation that we were supposed to share.
Like Josh, it's easy to look at where my life is at RIGHT NOW and wonder about my own future. I'll be 53 years old in a few weeks and once again, I'm all alone. My desire to find that one special person to spend the rest of my life with seems like just that, desire, with little hope. On the other hand, as Josh said yesterday, "Jesus Mom, you don't LOOK 53, you're in great shape and you're smart and funny, don't count yourself out. Just like those girls in the ice cream store, I see guys checking you out all the time."
"Yea, well, that's what guys do honey, it doesn't mean much."
"Well, guys don't check out the unattractive girls Mom."
I do know this. I feel strongly that everything having to do with this vacation has played out the way it was supposed to. Bringing Josh here was fraught with concerns and yet, so far, I can see that this time can be very valuable for him. This time with ME, this time to adjust to his medication. And I believe the situation with my boyfriend has played out as it was meant to. Who knows, perhaps this is what needed to happen FOR him?
And because I so strongly believe in the concept that everything happens for a reason, I have to have faith that there was a reason for all of this and that God has plans for me and for my future that I can't even imagine at this point.
Now, Josh is up and I'm off to make him breakfast.
And The Adventure Continues
Originally posted on my private blog on May 23, 2010
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
All Josh, All The Time
Originally Posted to my Private Blog On May 10, 2010
Sorry for the lack of updates since Josh came home from the hospital, but things have been very difficult.
He came home last Tuesday and was still very manic...not 'crazy'...just very 'up'; very talkative, racing thoughts, etc.
Everyday since he came home his condition has deteriorated, to the point that last night I was afraid to be with him.
It is very hard to describe what I have been experiencing with him. I've spent HOURS just sitting and listening to him talk, and each day the conversation has gotten more alarming.
As an example of how his mind is processing information, I'll tell you a little tale, but there are probably a hundred such tales I could relay to you that are as disturbing as this one is:
Josh took his extended wear lenses out Saturday morning because he had developed an infection in his LEFT eye.
Last night, as he was raging at me about many, many different things (pacing back and forth at the end of my bed screaming and pounding his fist on the bed and the dresser for emphasis) he started talking about the medication he was taking and all the things he didn't like about it; how it makes him FEEL inside and how he can't possibly live with this FEELING the rest of his life. And then he said, "This medicine is slowly killing the LEFT side of my brain while it builds up the RIGHT side, and if you don't believe that MOM, look at my LEFT eye, that's the dead brain cells coming out of my eye."
Jordan, his girlfriend and my boyfriend came for Mother's Day dinner last night. None of them have seen Josh since he's been home. They were all three appalled by his condition, and I have to say that with the extra activity in the house, Josh was probably 50% BETTER than normal.
After Jordan and his girlfriend left, my boyfriend said that he thought he'd go home too, that he didn't feel like he could handle being there with Josh in that condition.
That kind of disappointed me. I have been there beside him through some pretty difficult stuff. It wasn't COMFORTABLE for me, but I did it because I care about him. I am here ALL ALONE with Josh. I'm scared to death about his condition, about my safety, about HIS safety, and it was a bit hard to swallow that my boyfriend wasn't able to stay with me last night.
On the other hand, he's never had children and so he feels very out of his element with all this (uh huh, join the club!). In addition to that, Josh is NOT himself, by any stretch of the imagination. He is being HORRIBLE to me. My boyfriend saw enough of that last night (although NOT to the degree Josh goes to when we're alone together) and it is hard for him to watch me being treated that way.
On the phone last night he said, "Melody, you've never seen me angry, but if I had stayed I probably wouldn't have been able to continue to watch him treat you that way and I'm sure he and I would have gotten into a pretty good argument about it. Basically, you'd have had two crazy acting people to deal with."
Since Josh came home, he has argued with me regularly about his ability to still smoke pot on occasion, that it actually 'helps' him. So, according to him, he has smoked a small amount of pot twice. He also drank a beer "to detox his system before they drug tested him at IOP Monday morning." Clearly his mind is not working properly and nothing *I* say can deter him from doing these things that I know are counterproductive.
His deterioration may be largely due to him self medicating, or it could be that his medication needs further tweaking.
Backing up to last Wednesday, Josh met with a counselor at the Mental Health Center that has taken over his outpatient care. He was evaluated to determine the level of care he needed. It was decided that he would attend IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) five days a week, from 9AM till 3 PM. Now THAT's some Intensive care.
After Josh met with the counselor, Rob, I asked to speak to him and tried to impress on him the things Josh had been saying to me about pot usage and his belief that he isn't Bipolar and does not plan on staying on medications for more than 3-6 months.
Rob very nicely told me to stay out of it and let them do their job, that they would be addressing all of this with Josh during his IOP.
I called Rob this morning and left him a VM, "I know that you'd like me to 'stay out of it and let you do your job', but Josh's state is of great concern to me. I'd like to talk with you before IOP today and let you know what's going on with him."
Rob called me back and stated that he couldn't talk to me about Josh's condition, but he could listen to anything I felt he needed to know. On Wednesday, while Josh was in with Rob, I asked the desk clerk if the form that allowed the doctors to speak with me regarding Josh's care that Josh had signed upon admittance to the hospital had come over to them. She checked his records in the computer, asked if I was Melody and said that they had the form there. Rob couldn't find that form in Josh's chart so he was unable to GIVE me any information, but I gave him plenty.
He was very concerned and stated, "Well, maybe this isn't going to work after all, but let me spend the day with him and get a feel for what's going on, and I'll try to get him to sign another permission form today too. Also, I want you to know that my remarks to you last week were in no way meant to make you feel like your fears and concerns shouldn't be discussed with me. I merely wanted the frustration between you and Josh to be diminished where his medication and pot usage are concerned because that is something we will be working on with him. You call me anytime there is something you think I need to know because I'm not going to see the same Josh here that you are living with."
I'm not sure what Rob meant when he said, "Maybe this isn't going to work." Does he mean IOP isn't the answer for Josh? Does he feel that Josh needs to be hospitalized again?
I don't know and until they either locate the original permission form or get a new one signed, I'm unable to GET any information from them.
Sigh
Sorry for the lack of updates since Josh came home from the hospital, but things have been very difficult.
He came home last Tuesday and was still very manic...not 'crazy'...just very 'up'; very talkative, racing thoughts, etc.
Everyday since he came home his condition has deteriorated, to the point that last night I was afraid to be with him.
It is very hard to describe what I have been experiencing with him. I've spent HOURS just sitting and listening to him talk, and each day the conversation has gotten more alarming.
As an example of how his mind is processing information, I'll tell you a little tale, but there are probably a hundred such tales I could relay to you that are as disturbing as this one is:
Josh took his extended wear lenses out Saturday morning because he had developed an infection in his LEFT eye.
Last night, as he was raging at me about many, many different things (pacing back and forth at the end of my bed screaming and pounding his fist on the bed and the dresser for emphasis) he started talking about the medication he was taking and all the things he didn't like about it; how it makes him FEEL inside and how he can't possibly live with this FEELING the rest of his life. And then he said, "This medicine is slowly killing the LEFT side of my brain while it builds up the RIGHT side, and if you don't believe that MOM, look at my LEFT eye, that's the dead brain cells coming out of my eye."
Jordan, his girlfriend and my boyfriend came for Mother's Day dinner last night. None of them have seen Josh since he's been home. They were all three appalled by his condition, and I have to say that with the extra activity in the house, Josh was probably 50% BETTER than normal.
After Jordan and his girlfriend left, my boyfriend said that he thought he'd go home too, that he didn't feel like he could handle being there with Josh in that condition.
That kind of disappointed me. I have been there beside him through some pretty difficult stuff. It wasn't COMFORTABLE for me, but I did it because I care about him. I am here ALL ALONE with Josh. I'm scared to death about his condition, about my safety, about HIS safety, and it was a bit hard to swallow that my boyfriend wasn't able to stay with me last night.
On the other hand, he's never had children and so he feels very out of his element with all this (uh huh, join the club!). In addition to that, Josh is NOT himself, by any stretch of the imagination. He is being HORRIBLE to me. My boyfriend saw enough of that last night (although NOT to the degree Josh goes to when we're alone together) and it is hard for him to watch me being treated that way.
On the phone last night he said, "Melody, you've never seen me angry, but if I had stayed I probably wouldn't have been able to continue to watch him treat you that way and I'm sure he and I would have gotten into a pretty good argument about it. Basically, you'd have had two crazy acting people to deal with."
Since Josh came home, he has argued with me regularly about his ability to still smoke pot on occasion, that it actually 'helps' him. So, according to him, he has smoked a small amount of pot twice. He also drank a beer "to detox his system before they drug tested him at IOP Monday morning." Clearly his mind is not working properly and nothing *I* say can deter him from doing these things that I know are counterproductive.
His deterioration may be largely due to him self medicating, or it could be that his medication needs further tweaking.
Backing up to last Wednesday, Josh met with a counselor at the Mental Health Center that has taken over his outpatient care. He was evaluated to determine the level of care he needed. It was decided that he would attend IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) five days a week, from 9AM till 3 PM. Now THAT's some Intensive care.
After Josh met with the counselor, Rob, I asked to speak to him and tried to impress on him the things Josh had been saying to me about pot usage and his belief that he isn't Bipolar and does not plan on staying on medications for more than 3-6 months.
Rob very nicely told me to stay out of it and let them do their job, that they would be addressing all of this with Josh during his IOP.
I called Rob this morning and left him a VM, "I know that you'd like me to 'stay out of it and let you do your job', but Josh's state is of great concern to me. I'd like to talk with you before IOP today and let you know what's going on with him."
Rob called me back and stated that he couldn't talk to me about Josh's condition, but he could listen to anything I felt he needed to know. On Wednesday, while Josh was in with Rob, I asked the desk clerk if the form that allowed the doctors to speak with me regarding Josh's care that Josh had signed upon admittance to the hospital had come over to them. She checked his records in the computer, asked if I was Melody and said that they had the form there. Rob couldn't find that form in Josh's chart so he was unable to GIVE me any information, but I gave him plenty.
He was very concerned and stated, "Well, maybe this isn't going to work after all, but let me spend the day with him and get a feel for what's going on, and I'll try to get him to sign another permission form today too. Also, I want you to know that my remarks to you last week were in no way meant to make you feel like your fears and concerns shouldn't be discussed with me. I merely wanted the frustration between you and Josh to be diminished where his medication and pot usage are concerned because that is something we will be working on with him. You call me anytime there is something you think I need to know because I'm not going to see the same Josh here that you are living with."
I'm not sure what Rob meant when he said, "Maybe this isn't going to work." Does he mean IOP isn't the answer for Josh? Does he feel that Josh needs to be hospitalized again?
I don't know and until they either locate the original permission form or get a new one signed, I'm unable to GET any information from them.
Sigh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)