You know, I have gotten so much out of the local DBSA Support Group meetings I attend every Monday night, but sometimes being able to give back can also help as you cope with this thing called Bipolar.
My sister, who lives out of town, called me early one day last week on her way to work.
"Melody you HAVE to go out today and get this book I'm reading. I noticed it last night on a display table of recently released books (she works part time at Barnes and Nobles) so I bought it and brought it home. I was exhausted last night, but I thought I'd read a few pages before I fell asleep. I couldn't put it down. It's called "Welcome to the Jungle...Everything you ever wanted to know about Bipolar, but were too freaked out to ask." The author was diagnosed at 19 and she's probably in her early twenties now. Anyway, it is written for young adults who are newly diagnosed, it's the book she says she wished someone would have handed her when she was newly diagnosed. I really like the way she writes about this Melody, and I think Josh has GOT to read it."
So I stopped at every bookstore I came across and a few I went out of my way to go to, that day, but the book had flown off all the shelves. (My sister said that when she went to work a few days later, the nine copies that were on the display table when she bought hers were gone.) It's interesting that a book about Bipolar would fly off the shelves, but that seems to be what happened in all the bookstores around me.
Anyway, I ordered three copies of the book and went home and downloaded it onto my Kindle. It took me about two hours to read it that day, and my sister was right, Josh NEEDED to read this book.
It's written by Hilary Smith and it is a gem of a book. First of all, it covers EVERYTHING about this disorder, and it's important to note that it covers things a young adult would be interested in knowing about, in addition to the more practical things. Basically she says, -Yes, it totally sucks that you have this horrible disorder that has no cure, and you're going to have to manage it the rest of your life, but you get to choose how you let if effect your life. You can fight against it, or you an learn to manage it. You can let it destroy your life, or you can have a great life in spite of it.-
I think if I were Josh's age, this book would be indispensable, but I also think that anyone who is parenting a Bipolar child should read this book. It helps you understand their mindset, the REAL things that are going through their minds at a time like this.
The book is funny and hip, written in a vernacular that would appeal to this age group. A few of the reviews of the book on Amazon mentioned that the book had some curse words, and yes there are a few, even the 'biggies' appear here and there. I cuss like a sailor, so that doesn't bother me, but I could see that it might offend others. This book is valuable enough in its content to be worth getting over that little thing though, if you're inclined to be offended by cussing.
And Hilary doesn't seem to be afraid to mention the word 'crazy', a word many people whose lives are affected by Bipolar tend to tip toe around. The fact of the matter is that Mania? With delusions? Ummmm, call it what you want, but it sure looked crazy to me, and I found it refreshing that she writes about it in the way she does. And because she's Bipolar, she can get away with it.
But mostly, I felt this book would be so empowering to someone in Josh's shoes.
I picked up my three copies the other day and gave one to Josh, then last night I took the other two to the DBSA Support Group Meeting to leave in their Lending Library. Last week during announcements, I mentioned this book and let everyone know that I had ordered two copies for the group.
There are several young people who attend our meetings and I hope that they take the time to read this book because I think it has such a powerful message. The group leader told me that she had downloaded it on her Kindle after I mentioned it last week and that she was looking forward to reading it and having her daughter read it.
I really wanted Josh to read it, but he had been so resistant to even discussing any of this that I wasn't sure how to GET him to read it. I have a long time online friend who has been very supportive since Josh's diagnosis. He suggested that I pay Josh to read it, so that's what I did. At this point Josh has read about half the book. When I gave it to him, he was still deeply in denial, but agreed to read it, but he was also in a slow thinking, foggy place and he's found it hard to process anything; reading being difficult for him.
I know he's gotten a lot out of the book though, because once he started reading it last week, he began asking questions about things he's said in the past that were delusional, etc. His speech became peppered with some of the things Hilary says in the book, and for the FIRST time, he began his sentences with things like, "Since I'm Bipolar" or "Now that I have Bipolar".
That is HUGE, and I really think that even though he hasn't finished the book yet (and not gotten paid!), he's already gotten a lot out of it. I have a feeling that this is a book he will turn to often for years (hopefully when he's considering doing something boneheaded, like going off meds or dropping acid).
One of the things he asked me last week was whether or not he is going to have to change his career plans. He has struggled trying to decide what course of study to follow in college and over the last month or two, he seems to have settled into Psychology.
"Mom, now that I have Bipolar, am I even going to be able to get licensed as a therapist?"
"Gosh honey, I don't know. Let's see if we can find some information about that on the internet."
None of our searches turned up any information, (I SO suck at Google searches!) so I said, "I know! We'll email Peter (Josh's therapist) and ask him."
Peter responded immediately, "Josh can be almost anything he wants to be in the Mental Health field."
So this book has clearly already had an impact on Josh and he hasn't even finished it yet. I have a feeling that I've left a couple of real treasures in the DBSA Lending Library. Treasures that will hopefully have a positive impact on many lives for years to come.
And that my friends makes me feel a gazillion times better, because sometimes, when life hands you something really shitty to deal with, the best thing you can do for yourself, is to reach outside your pain and suffering and offer a hand to someone else.
Showing posts with label Support Groups. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Support Groups. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Knowledge is Power
When Josh landed in the hospital and the man who had evaluated him opened his mouth and said, "Your son is in a mild manic state and from his history, it's clear that he has Bipolar Disorder," I was too exhausted and frightened to fully get the gravity of the diagnosis.
Oh, I knew it was bad.
I remember standing and talking with a teacher on Field Day when Jordan was in Elementary School. For some reason, this woman shared with me the story of her son, who was what was then called Manic-Depressive. Unfortunately, it was a fairly typical story of a young man who struggled against the Disorder and lost his battle with it at the age of 24 by killing himself.
I can remember so clearly having the sensation of this woman's pain pouring over me in waves.
So, I knew it was bad.
But I really knew nothing at all.
I now know more than I ever wanted to know about this Disorder, and I'm pretty sure I'll never stop learning.
The internet is a both a blessing and a curse when researching something of this nature. There is a wealth of useful information to be had and what you read there can scare the holy crap out of you.
I visited message boards and forums and the stories I read kept me awake at night, it seemed like everyone was so badly affected by Bipolar. What I quickly realized though is that the people who are posting on message boards fall into one of maybe three categories.
1. People like myself who are new to the Disorder and are seeking help.
2. People who are struggling with the disorder and are seeking help.
3. People who have the disorder and have no intention of addressing it properly, but want to whine.
The fact of the matter is, that for the most part, people who are struggling post on message boards. People who have control over the disorder and are living perfectly normal lives, thankyouverymuch, are out living their perfectly normal lives and not posting messages on boards and forums.
So keep that in mind when you are searching for information. Don't be discouraged by the dearth of happily ever after you read there.
While searching for information about various medications, there are horror stories aplenty too. Because these drugs affect everyone so differently, it can be disheartening to read about other's experiences with side effects and withdrawal symptoms. It is beyond alarming what some people have been through on the journey for the right combination of medications.
It didn't take me long to decide that I needed a book. A good book. A simple, but thorough book, and so I headed to Borders.
I came home with a book that I felt was appropriate to the situation, "Bipolar For Dummies", because I definitely qualified as a Dummy on the subject.
As a starter book, I would highly recommend this one. It covers all aspects of the Disorder and has a section for Caretakers. It is very technical in explaining the Disorder and I completely understood what "happens" in the Bipolar Brain. Granted, I couldn't explain it to anyone else if my life depended on it, but I understood it as I read it.
The book was copyrighted several years ago, so the information may not be the most up-to-date, but I still think it provides a good jumping off point in the quest for Knowledge.
Next I contacted the local chapter of The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: DBSA and I began attending Support Group meetings.
This was a difficult step for me to take, and I hate to admit it, but it took me several weeks to make that call. And another week to actually attend a meeting. It seemed like stepping across that threshold was me acknowledging the reality of Josh's illness.
Yes, even parents have to work through denial.
If you're faced with a diagnosis of Bipolar, get over your denial quicker than I did, because the help and support you will find at DBSA will be invaluable to you. I actually look forward to our Monday night meetings.
Once I'd armed myself with knowledge and support, I realized that I didn't have a clue how to actually deal with my son on a day to day basis.
All of a sudden this son of mine was completely unfamiliar to me. He was unstable when he came home from the hospital, and while the medications had brought him down from his high, his disordered and occasional delusional thought processes were something totally new to me. I had no idea how to communicate with him.
At a time when I REALLY needed to be able to communicate with him effectively.
Josh displayed HORRIBLE rages when he came home, all directed at me. Anything was liable to set him off. One day he was sitting in my office talking to me and a bird flew by my office window. In a natural response to peripheral movement, I shifted my eyes to the window. Josh jumped up, pounded his fist in the middle of my desk hard enough to make things on it jump, and screamed at me, "Pay attention when I talk to you!" Clearly I'd done nothing 'wrong', but in his mind I was Satan incarnate sent up from the bowels of hell with the express purpose of infuriating him. His rages could have been induced by the medication, irritability IS one of the lovely attibutes of Bipolar Disorder, but some medications ramp it up a notch, to one notch just below homicidal.
So I learned. Slowly. Over WEEKS.
The problem was that everyday, a different version of Josh climbed out of bed. What worked yesterday in that mood, inflamed him today in this mood.
I'll save anyone out there who is dealing with a newly diagnosed Bipolar person some time and tell you a little secret. No matter what, stay calm and agree with everything they say.
OK, so I hate to admit this too, but early on I would make matters worse by arguing with Josh and occasionally I got downright mad at him.
Who wouldn't? Seriously?!
It takes time to realize that this person in front of you HAS NO CONCEPT OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
Oh, you know it on an intellectual level, but it takes real effort to remember that in the heat of a very violent moment.
The truth is that stress is one of the worst things for a Bipolar person. Stress builds and builds and builds inside them, and can send them directly into a manic state; do not pass go, do not collect your Seroquel.
So for days, maybe even weeks *shudders* I made matters worse for Josh, and myself, but I learned. Eventually I learned.
I learned to agree with anything he said, "Yes, I'm the most horrible parent in the world, I don't know how you've lived with me all these years, and yes, I need therapy and probably a parenting class or two."
But the biggest thing I learned was to let go and let God.
And God seems to be doing a pretty good job of handling this, because yesterday? JOSH climbed out of bed. My Josh. The one I knew before that awful man in the hospital uttered those words, the one I knew before depression settled over him like an early morning fog, the one who used to be happy and surrounded by friends, rushing here and there, living a busy, fulfilling life.
It seems the medication has quickly worked its way out of Josh's system and, where he was slow and foggy, he's sharp and bright. Where he was sad and desolate, he's happy and hopeful. He's not the slightest bit manic and his thought processes seem to be in good working order.
Today while I was out of town, Josh went out to play baseball with two of his OLD friends. You know, the friends HE pushed out of his life way back there when he was depressed and on the way to suicidal. And as I type this, one of those friends is in his room with him, doing what they used to do...play a video game.
The most difficult lesson I've learned though is that tomorrow is a complete unknown with this Disorder, especially at the stage of acceptance that we are in.
We aren't treating the Disorder at all at this point, although Josh is being very careful about his sleep schedule, because for him and many who suffer with Bipolar, sleep deprivation is a one way ticket to Mania City.
Josh could be fine for days or months, or possibly even years before the monster rears it's ugly head again. And Josh could wake up TOMORROW headed towards a manic state.
So I've learned to take all this one day at a time, appreciating the good days and looking for more lessons in the bad ones.
Because in the end? I'm just about all Josh has right now and I don't intend to let him down.
Oh, I knew it was bad.
I remember standing and talking with a teacher on Field Day when Jordan was in Elementary School. For some reason, this woman shared with me the story of her son, who was what was then called Manic-Depressive. Unfortunately, it was a fairly typical story of a young man who struggled against the Disorder and lost his battle with it at the age of 24 by killing himself.
I can remember so clearly having the sensation of this woman's pain pouring over me in waves.
So, I knew it was bad.
But I really knew nothing at all.
I now know more than I ever wanted to know about this Disorder, and I'm pretty sure I'll never stop learning.
The internet is a both a blessing and a curse when researching something of this nature. There is a wealth of useful information to be had and what you read there can scare the holy crap out of you.
I visited message boards and forums and the stories I read kept me awake at night, it seemed like everyone was so badly affected by Bipolar. What I quickly realized though is that the people who are posting on message boards fall into one of maybe three categories.
1. People like myself who are new to the Disorder and are seeking help.
2. People who are struggling with the disorder and are seeking help.
3. People who have the disorder and have no intention of addressing it properly, but want to whine.
The fact of the matter is, that for the most part, people who are struggling post on message boards. People who have control over the disorder and are living perfectly normal lives, thankyouverymuch, are out living their perfectly normal lives and not posting messages on boards and forums.
So keep that in mind when you are searching for information. Don't be discouraged by the dearth of happily ever after you read there.
While searching for information about various medications, there are horror stories aplenty too. Because these drugs affect everyone so differently, it can be disheartening to read about other's experiences with side effects and withdrawal symptoms. It is beyond alarming what some people have been through on the journey for the right combination of medications.
It didn't take me long to decide that I needed a book. A good book. A simple, but thorough book, and so I headed to Borders.
I came home with a book that I felt was appropriate to the situation, "Bipolar For Dummies", because I definitely qualified as a Dummy on the subject.
As a starter book, I would highly recommend this one. It covers all aspects of the Disorder and has a section for Caretakers. It is very technical in explaining the Disorder and I completely understood what "happens" in the Bipolar Brain. Granted, I couldn't explain it to anyone else if my life depended on it, but I understood it as I read it.
The book was copyrighted several years ago, so the information may not be the most up-to-date, but I still think it provides a good jumping off point in the quest for Knowledge.
Next I contacted the local chapter of The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: DBSA and I began attending Support Group meetings.
This was a difficult step for me to take, and I hate to admit it, but it took me several weeks to make that call. And another week to actually attend a meeting. It seemed like stepping across that threshold was me acknowledging the reality of Josh's illness.
Yes, even parents have to work through denial.
If you're faced with a diagnosis of Bipolar, get over your denial quicker than I did, because the help and support you will find at DBSA will be invaluable to you. I actually look forward to our Monday night meetings.
Once I'd armed myself with knowledge and support, I realized that I didn't have a clue how to actually deal with my son on a day to day basis.
All of a sudden this son of mine was completely unfamiliar to me. He was unstable when he came home from the hospital, and while the medications had brought him down from his high, his disordered and occasional delusional thought processes were something totally new to me. I had no idea how to communicate with him.
At a time when I REALLY needed to be able to communicate with him effectively.
Josh displayed HORRIBLE rages when he came home, all directed at me. Anything was liable to set him off. One day he was sitting in my office talking to me and a bird flew by my office window. In a natural response to peripheral movement, I shifted my eyes to the window. Josh jumped up, pounded his fist in the middle of my desk hard enough to make things on it jump, and screamed at me, "Pay attention when I talk to you!" Clearly I'd done nothing 'wrong', but in his mind I was Satan incarnate sent up from the bowels of hell with the express purpose of infuriating him. His rages could have been induced by the medication, irritability IS one of the lovely attibutes of Bipolar Disorder, but some medications ramp it up a notch, to one notch just below homicidal.
So I learned. Slowly. Over WEEKS.
The problem was that everyday, a different version of Josh climbed out of bed. What worked yesterday in that mood, inflamed him today in this mood.
I'll save anyone out there who is dealing with a newly diagnosed Bipolar person some time and tell you a little secret. No matter what, stay calm and agree with everything they say.
OK, so I hate to admit this too, but early on I would make matters worse by arguing with Josh and occasionally I got downright mad at him.
Who wouldn't? Seriously?!
It takes time to realize that this person in front of you HAS NO CONCEPT OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
Oh, you know it on an intellectual level, but it takes real effort to remember that in the heat of a very violent moment.
The truth is that stress is one of the worst things for a Bipolar person. Stress builds and builds and builds inside them, and can send them directly into a manic state; do not pass go, do not collect your Seroquel.
So for days, maybe even weeks *shudders* I made matters worse for Josh, and myself, but I learned. Eventually I learned.
I learned to agree with anything he said, "Yes, I'm the most horrible parent in the world, I don't know how you've lived with me all these years, and yes, I need therapy and probably a parenting class or two."
But the biggest thing I learned was to let go and let God.
And God seems to be doing a pretty good job of handling this, because yesterday? JOSH climbed out of bed. My Josh. The one I knew before that awful man in the hospital uttered those words, the one I knew before depression settled over him like an early morning fog, the one who used to be happy and surrounded by friends, rushing here and there, living a busy, fulfilling life.
It seems the medication has quickly worked its way out of Josh's system and, where he was slow and foggy, he's sharp and bright. Where he was sad and desolate, he's happy and hopeful. He's not the slightest bit manic and his thought processes seem to be in good working order.
Today while I was out of town, Josh went out to play baseball with two of his OLD friends. You know, the friends HE pushed out of his life way back there when he was depressed and on the way to suicidal. And as I type this, one of those friends is in his room with him, doing what they used to do...play a video game.
The most difficult lesson I've learned though is that tomorrow is a complete unknown with this Disorder, especially at the stage of acceptance that we are in.
We aren't treating the Disorder at all at this point, although Josh is being very careful about his sleep schedule, because for him and many who suffer with Bipolar, sleep deprivation is a one way ticket to Mania City.
Josh could be fine for days or months, or possibly even years before the monster rears it's ugly head again. And Josh could wake up TOMORROW headed towards a manic state.
So I've learned to take all this one day at a time, appreciating the good days and looking for more lessons in the bad ones.
Because in the end? I'm just about all Josh has right now and I don't intend to let him down.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Well, As Birthdays Go, That One Sucked
Originally posted on my private blog on June 14, 2010
Thank you for all your Birthday wishes. It would have been nice to have a bright sunny birthday, but that's not how it played out.
And really, it was just one more shitty day in a long line of pretty shitty days.
I'm struggling where Josh is concerned and I feel like I'm in a box.
I know how to get out. Of course I do! You open these flaps up here and climb out!
Easy right?
Only, I try to open the flaps, and THIS box isn't like any box I've ever encountered before. I push up on the flaps, and nothing happens. I try to punch through the side of the box and it's made out of some super strong material that won't give.
With Josh, I can SEE what needs to happen. And I know that allowing him to sit in his room doing nothing but getting more depressed isn't helpful.
But I talk to him and tell him that he's got to act. Must look for a job! Must participate in getting his life on track!
And I get blank stares.
I tell him, "You know that TV you've watched all week is run on electricity that I pay for. The food you've eaten all week has been provided by me. The hot water you shower with, the air conditioning you soak up? All me. How would you like it if I shut the breaker off to your room, disconnected your plumbing?"
"Go ahead."
Josh went to sleep Saturday night about 1AM (guess that's technically Sunday morning) and when I tried to get him up for my Birthday lunch at 2, he wouldn't get up. He talked to me, told me he was hungry, but after four trips into his room, I gave up.
I finally got him up at almost 6 PM! He had slept, well, you do the math. A LONG time!
When he got up he accused me of not even trying to get him up.
So, he didn't sleep last night at all, which means today I dealt with a young man whose thought processes were completely jumbled. There was no reasoning with him. So finally, I gave up trying to actually talk to him, and just listened to him.
For SIX hours.
And when I told him that I had to get ready to go out, he got angry and said that I didn't care about him. (I was going to a Bipolar Support Group meeting, because honestly? I could give a shit about the kid.)
So basically, not a lot of fun around HERE today.
Thank you for all your Birthday wishes. It would have been nice to have a bright sunny birthday, but that's not how it played out.
And really, it was just one more shitty day in a long line of pretty shitty days.
I'm struggling where Josh is concerned and I feel like I'm in a box.
I know how to get out. Of course I do! You open these flaps up here and climb out!
Easy right?
Only, I try to open the flaps, and THIS box isn't like any box I've ever encountered before. I push up on the flaps, and nothing happens. I try to punch through the side of the box and it's made out of some super strong material that won't give.
With Josh, I can SEE what needs to happen. And I know that allowing him to sit in his room doing nothing but getting more depressed isn't helpful.
But I talk to him and tell him that he's got to act. Must look for a job! Must participate in getting his life on track!
And I get blank stares.
I tell him, "You know that TV you've watched all week is run on electricity that I pay for. The food you've eaten all week has been provided by me. The hot water you shower with, the air conditioning you soak up? All me. How would you like it if I shut the breaker off to your room, disconnected your plumbing?"
"Go ahead."
Josh went to sleep Saturday night about 1AM (guess that's technically Sunday morning) and when I tried to get him up for my Birthday lunch at 2, he wouldn't get up. He talked to me, told me he was hungry, but after four trips into his room, I gave up.
I finally got him up at almost 6 PM! He had slept, well, you do the math. A LONG time!
When he got up he accused me of not even trying to get him up.
So, he didn't sleep last night at all, which means today I dealt with a young man whose thought processes were completely jumbled. There was no reasoning with him. So finally, I gave up trying to actually talk to him, and just listened to him.
For SIX hours.
And when I told him that I had to get ready to go out, he got angry and said that I didn't care about him. (I was going to a Bipolar Support Group meeting, because honestly? I could give a shit about the kid.)
So basically, not a lot of fun around HERE today.
The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf
Originally posted on my private blog on May 24, 2010
I don't remember my parents reading to me when I was little. I'm not saying they didn't, in fact in a family album I have that belonged to my father, there are pictures of my sister sitting on his lap while he read her a book, so I'm sure they did read to us, I just have no memory of it.
And that makes me wonder (and I intend to ask the boys) if they remember ME reading to them, because I did. A lot. Jordan would sit on my lap for HOURS, literally HOURS, from a very young age, and listen to me read. Josh was more the type of kid who'd listen to two or three books and be done, but I read to him everyday, several times throughout the day.
Anyway, I don't remember being read to, but I remember my father telling me the story of the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. I can remember asking him, at bedtime, to tell me the story again. I must have heard it hundreds of times, and each time my heart would race when the Wolf really was after the little boy and he'd cry and cry for help, "Wolf! Wolf!", but no one would respond because he'd tricked them so many times by calling "Wolf!" when there really wasn't a Wolf after him.
This tale has many lessons in it, but the one that brought the tale to my mind earlier today is the lesson of abuse of trust. Somehow in my twisted little mind, it made me think of my boyfriend. He's like that little boy who keeps tricking the villagers and then is shocked when they don't respond as expected.
Sad.
He spent the evening texting me and ALL his texts were in regards to his feelings about the loss of his vacation plans. At one point he asked if we still couldn't go on vacation together, after all, there are two bedrooms in the condo. Then he commented, "We could have broke up after vacation you know."
It hurts beyond belief that a vacation seems to be a greater loss to him then losing our relationship. I can imagine how disappointed he is to have plans we've been making since January fall apart in this way at the last minute, but his immaturity and limitations are really showing when he A) can't for a second put himself in my place and realize that what I'm going thru with Josh trumps EVERYTHING, and B) can't take just a gander at his behavior that resulted in this turn of events.
I feel awful that all this fell apart as it did at the last minute, and on top of that I'm trying to cope with Josh, I'm consumed with doubts and fears.
Josh slept until noon Sunday and when he got up I talked with him about going to Florida with me. He was resistant, but as we talked I could tell he was coming around. "You know Josh, the other thing is that I don't really want to go to Florida alone. I'm sad about what's happened with my boyfriend and I and you and Jordan are the only people who really know everything that happened, I may need you there to talk to, to help me when the sadness gets to be too much."
"Don't play that card Mom."
"No really, can you imagine how hard it would be to be all alone and sad and have no one to talk to about it? You're so good at helping me remember why this is the best thing for me."
In the end he agreed to go to Florida with me, and he agreed to stay on 150 mg of medication until we got home.
He had to work from 2-5, and during the few hours we were together he was irritable, but generally OK.
He went to work and during the afternoon two of my neighbors 'stopped by'. They both expressed concern about Josh's outbursts yesterday and they both pointed out that Josh seems to be getting more and more volatile. I hadn't told my neighbors about Josh's diagnosis or his hospitalizations, but I shared with them the saga that began with Josh's depression and ended with him being diagnosed with Bipolar.
My neighbor across the street told me that his son (who is a year younger than Josh...Josh and he used to be best friends, but had a falling out four or five years ago) is Bipolar. "But he was never as volatile as Josh seems to be, and Melody, I don't want to intrude but as I've listened to his outbursts over the last month or so, I'm increasing concerned for your safety. I felt I needed to come over and talk to you and let you know that I'm here for you, Chuck next door is here for you. I know you're all alone here but I don't want you to feel alone, we're right here if you need us.
When Josh got home he was pretty upset. His boss had ignored his schedule request for vacation and wouldn't respond to his phone calls. Throughout the evening he got more and more upset, feeling like his boss purposely scheduled him knowing he wouldn't make his shifts and then he could fire him. (I'm quite sure Josh hasn't been a model employee over the last few months and his boss has had to cover Josh's schedule when he was hospitalized, so it's quite possible he's trying to force a situation). I have no idea how many times Josh called and texted him, and nothing I said could get him calmed down about the whole thing.
THEN, he got the blue screen of death on his computer when he was trying to get online to schedule classes for the fall, so that created more yelling and fuming.
And THEN he went to watch a movie that had come in the mail from Blockbuster and when he opened it, it was cracked in two.
He started yelling and carrying on and flew out of the house and left in his car.
When he finally returned, he was very agitated and began crying and had a meltdown about how pointless life is and how MUCH he doesn't want to be here anymore.
By this time it was 10 PM. I had 'suggested' at nine that he take his meds but he got angry and told me he'd take them when he wanted to. So I 'suggested' it again, and again he got mad at me.
"Well Josh, you promised to take your meds the way your supposed to from now until we get home from Florida."
"Fine, I'll take them, I'll do what you want."
I don't think he ever took them though. He went to his room, I shut the house up for the night and turned out the lights and went to bed.
At 11 I heard him leave. I knew he was going to get his friend, Issac (who is really no friend to Josh. He has no job, no car. His girlfriend is still in High School and so when she has to go to bed for the night, he'll call Josh to come get him and then Josh has to drive him home....usually at 2 or 3 in the morning). I called him, "Are you going to get Issac?"
"Yes"
"Josh, I'm trying to sleep, I have to work tomorrow and YOU shouldn't be driving if you've taken your medication."
"Mom, we're just going to quietly hang out in my room and you don't need to worry about me or my driving or my medication! Do you want me to just drive this car into a tree?! Cause if you don't shut the f@*k up, that's what I'm gonna do!"
Yes, the animals are running this Zoo!
I woke up at 1:30, Josh was coming in from taking Issac home. I have no idea if he took his medication, but if he'd taken it at 10, he'd have been sawing logs by midnight.
Here's my dilemma. I really feel that IF Josh would take his medication as he should for the next few days, by the time we leave for Florida he will be manageable. Being away for 11 days ON his medication will be good for him. So I'm trying to cut him a wide berth here to get him to Florida with me. BUT, if he's NOT going to take his medication as he should until we go, or if he mixes it with pot and alcohol, he's not going to be in a good state of mind when it's time to go and there's no way I can take him in a car for a two day drive if he's in a volatile state.
Everyone has an opinion and half the people tell me I should just go without him if he's not in a good frame of mind at the time. They think I should just leave him here and whatever havoc is created as a result may be enough havoc to create a 'bottom' for Josh.
Other's, like my neighbor who has a Bipolar young adult, feel there is no way Josh should be left up to his own devices, that the ramifications of such a thing are too great, that the seriousness of this situation is dire.
And me? I've been awake since 1:30. Unable to sleep, eaten up with fear, wallowing in pain and sorrow.
Josh will more than likely sleep well past noon today, he was up so late, which means tonight he'll be up even later and sleep later tomorrow, so I predict that he won't sleep at all tomorrow night and by Tuesday he will be right back where he was Saturday. And if you ask my neighbors, they'll tell you that wasn't a very good place.
I told my sister (who unfortunately lives out of state or she'd come and stay with him while I'm on vacation) that it seems there should be a place where you could 'send' this kid where he could live for a month under constant care, with ongoing therapy. However, if such a place existed, it would cost more money than I have and in the end, my kid would probably come out stabilized and quickly mess it all up anyway.
She feels that, just like with my boyfriend, the time will come when I'm DONE with Josh too and setting him out on his own won't feel like such a horrible thing to me.
The ONLY thing I know to do right now today that MIGHT help is to call the therapist at the IOP and ask for his advice. And to go to the Bipolar Support Group meeting tonight.
Projecting forward, I see no way that Josh will be in a frame of mind where I'll feel safe taking him to Florida and I see no way, that in my heart I can go and leave him here on his own. If only he would go to his Father's while I'm gone, cause I NEED to get away from all this for awhile, but I can't go if I'm not comfortable that he's being cared for.
Sorry for the long, rambling post. When I started it at 5 AM I had no idea it would go to where it's gone. Anyway, cut me some slack, I'm operating on less than three hours sleep.
I don't remember my parents reading to me when I was little. I'm not saying they didn't, in fact in a family album I have that belonged to my father, there are pictures of my sister sitting on his lap while he read her a book, so I'm sure they did read to us, I just have no memory of it.
And that makes me wonder (and I intend to ask the boys) if they remember ME reading to them, because I did. A lot. Jordan would sit on my lap for HOURS, literally HOURS, from a very young age, and listen to me read. Josh was more the type of kid who'd listen to two or three books and be done, but I read to him everyday, several times throughout the day.
Anyway, I don't remember being read to, but I remember my father telling me the story of the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. I can remember asking him, at bedtime, to tell me the story again. I must have heard it hundreds of times, and each time my heart would race when the Wolf really was after the little boy and he'd cry and cry for help, "Wolf! Wolf!", but no one would respond because he'd tricked them so many times by calling "Wolf!" when there really wasn't a Wolf after him.
This tale has many lessons in it, but the one that brought the tale to my mind earlier today is the lesson of abuse of trust. Somehow in my twisted little mind, it made me think of my boyfriend. He's like that little boy who keeps tricking the villagers and then is shocked when they don't respond as expected.
Sad.
He spent the evening texting me and ALL his texts were in regards to his feelings about the loss of his vacation plans. At one point he asked if we still couldn't go on vacation together, after all, there are two bedrooms in the condo. Then he commented, "We could have broke up after vacation you know."
It hurts beyond belief that a vacation seems to be a greater loss to him then losing our relationship. I can imagine how disappointed he is to have plans we've been making since January fall apart in this way at the last minute, but his immaturity and limitations are really showing when he A) can't for a second put himself in my place and realize that what I'm going thru with Josh trumps EVERYTHING, and B) can't take just a gander at his behavior that resulted in this turn of events.
I feel awful that all this fell apart as it did at the last minute, and on top of that I'm trying to cope with Josh, I'm consumed with doubts and fears.
Josh slept until noon Sunday and when he got up I talked with him about going to Florida with me. He was resistant, but as we talked I could tell he was coming around. "You know Josh, the other thing is that I don't really want to go to Florida alone. I'm sad about what's happened with my boyfriend and I and you and Jordan are the only people who really know everything that happened, I may need you there to talk to, to help me when the sadness gets to be too much."
"Don't play that card Mom."
"No really, can you imagine how hard it would be to be all alone and sad and have no one to talk to about it? You're so good at helping me remember why this is the best thing for me."
In the end he agreed to go to Florida with me, and he agreed to stay on 150 mg of medication until we got home.
He had to work from 2-5, and during the few hours we were together he was irritable, but generally OK.
He went to work and during the afternoon two of my neighbors 'stopped by'. They both expressed concern about Josh's outbursts yesterday and they both pointed out that Josh seems to be getting more and more volatile. I hadn't told my neighbors about Josh's diagnosis or his hospitalizations, but I shared with them the saga that began with Josh's depression and ended with him being diagnosed with Bipolar.
My neighbor across the street told me that his son (who is a year younger than Josh...Josh and he used to be best friends, but had a falling out four or five years ago) is Bipolar. "But he was never as volatile as Josh seems to be, and Melody, I don't want to intrude but as I've listened to his outbursts over the last month or so, I'm increasing concerned for your safety. I felt I needed to come over and talk to you and let you know that I'm here for you, Chuck next door is here for you. I know you're all alone here but I don't want you to feel alone, we're right here if you need us.
When Josh got home he was pretty upset. His boss had ignored his schedule request for vacation and wouldn't respond to his phone calls. Throughout the evening he got more and more upset, feeling like his boss purposely scheduled him knowing he wouldn't make his shifts and then he could fire him. (I'm quite sure Josh hasn't been a model employee over the last few months and his boss has had to cover Josh's schedule when he was hospitalized, so it's quite possible he's trying to force a situation). I have no idea how many times Josh called and texted him, and nothing I said could get him calmed down about the whole thing.
THEN, he got the blue screen of death on his computer when he was trying to get online to schedule classes for the fall, so that created more yelling and fuming.
And THEN he went to watch a movie that had come in the mail from Blockbuster and when he opened it, it was cracked in two.
He started yelling and carrying on and flew out of the house and left in his car.
When he finally returned, he was very agitated and began crying and had a meltdown about how pointless life is and how MUCH he doesn't want to be here anymore.
By this time it was 10 PM. I had 'suggested' at nine that he take his meds but he got angry and told me he'd take them when he wanted to. So I 'suggested' it again, and again he got mad at me.
"Well Josh, you promised to take your meds the way your supposed to from now until we get home from Florida."
"Fine, I'll take them, I'll do what you want."
I don't think he ever took them though. He went to his room, I shut the house up for the night and turned out the lights and went to bed.
At 11 I heard him leave. I knew he was going to get his friend, Issac (who is really no friend to Josh. He has no job, no car. His girlfriend is still in High School and so when she has to go to bed for the night, he'll call Josh to come get him and then Josh has to drive him home....usually at 2 or 3 in the morning). I called him, "Are you going to get Issac?"
"Yes"
"Josh, I'm trying to sleep, I have to work tomorrow and YOU shouldn't be driving if you've taken your medication."
"Mom, we're just going to quietly hang out in my room and you don't need to worry about me or my driving or my medication! Do you want me to just drive this car into a tree?! Cause if you don't shut the f@*k up, that's what I'm gonna do!"
Yes, the animals are running this Zoo!
I woke up at 1:30, Josh was coming in from taking Issac home. I have no idea if he took his medication, but if he'd taken it at 10, he'd have been sawing logs by midnight.
Here's my dilemma. I really feel that IF Josh would take his medication as he should for the next few days, by the time we leave for Florida he will be manageable. Being away for 11 days ON his medication will be good for him. So I'm trying to cut him a wide berth here to get him to Florida with me. BUT, if he's NOT going to take his medication as he should until we go, or if he mixes it with pot and alcohol, he's not going to be in a good state of mind when it's time to go and there's no way I can take him in a car for a two day drive if he's in a volatile state.
Everyone has an opinion and half the people tell me I should just go without him if he's not in a good frame of mind at the time. They think I should just leave him here and whatever havoc is created as a result may be enough havoc to create a 'bottom' for Josh.
Other's, like my neighbor who has a Bipolar young adult, feel there is no way Josh should be left up to his own devices, that the ramifications of such a thing are too great, that the seriousness of this situation is dire.
And me? I've been awake since 1:30. Unable to sleep, eaten up with fear, wallowing in pain and sorrow.
Josh will more than likely sleep well past noon today, he was up so late, which means tonight he'll be up even later and sleep later tomorrow, so I predict that he won't sleep at all tomorrow night and by Tuesday he will be right back where he was Saturday. And if you ask my neighbors, they'll tell you that wasn't a very good place.
I told my sister (who unfortunately lives out of state or she'd come and stay with him while I'm on vacation) that it seems there should be a place where you could 'send' this kid where he could live for a month under constant care, with ongoing therapy. However, if such a place existed, it would cost more money than I have and in the end, my kid would probably come out stabilized and quickly mess it all up anyway.
She feels that, just like with my boyfriend, the time will come when I'm DONE with Josh too and setting him out on his own won't feel like such a horrible thing to me.
The ONLY thing I know to do right now today that MIGHT help is to call the therapist at the IOP and ask for his advice. And to go to the Bipolar Support Group meeting tonight.
Projecting forward, I see no way that Josh will be in a frame of mind where I'll feel safe taking him to Florida and I see no way, that in my heart I can go and leave him here on his own. If only he would go to his Father's while I'm gone, cause I NEED to get away from all this for awhile, but I can't go if I'm not comfortable that he's being cared for.
Sorry for the long, rambling post. When I started it at 5 AM I had no idea it would go to where it's gone. Anyway, cut me some slack, I'm operating on less than three hours sleep.
Too Many Freakin' T-shirts!
Originally posted on my private blog on May 20, 2010
I haven't been able to post an update for some time because things around here change almost by the minute.
Josh is fine, almost normal, one minute, and in the next minute he's screaming, "F@*k you!" to me and running around the back yard beating the ground with a baseball bat.
Don't ask.
He is quite unhappy at the moment. He doesn't believe he is Bipolar, he HATES the way his medication makes him feel and he thinks his IOP is a huge waste of time and money.
So, he's decided to decrease his medication from 200 mg to 150. At 100 mg he was still all over the place mood wise, but at 200 he says he physically feels awful and his ability to control his anger and stress is worse. He's going to TRY 150 mg, but if he isn't happy with that dosage, he is going to step himself off the medication and use pot in limited amounts to help calm him and help him sleep at night.
He is no longer going to the mental health center and doesn't feel like he needs ongoing therapy.
While all of that sounds pretty terrible, there are parts of it that may not be as bad as they seem.
I attended a support group Monday night that is presented by the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). It was an interesting and informative evening.
One couple in our group has a 17 year old daughter who is Bipolar. Her mother told me that a year and a half ago her daughter chose to stop taking her meds. She smokes a limited amount of pot each evening to help her sleep and she has done well without meds.
"Honestly, I've heard this time and again over the years, pot seems to be a magic bullet for some people with Bipolar, as long as they limit the quantity. I hate to say it, but I wish they'd legalize it."
A book I read on the subject of Bipolar stresses the importance of medications but points out that there are people who are misdiagnosed and also people who have one depressive and manic episode and NEVER have another one. There are no statistics for these situations though.
So, maybe Josh is right and he doesn't have Bipolar (although after reading that book, I'm more convinced than ever that he is) OR, he has Bipolar, but perhaps he can manage his moods by using pot in modest quantities.
In the end, none of this is MY decision, he has to be responsible for his condition and he has to choose how to manage it. The only thing I've said to him is that I'm OK with whatever he chooses to do, as long as it manages his mood. I'm not willing to live like we've been living; highs and lows, screaming and yelling. If he goes off his medication and has problems, he'll need to reconsider his options.
My heart goes out to him and I pray that he'll be able to manage his moods without medication, but if he can't, well, more wild days ahead for us.
I am leaving in one week on vacation and while I had considered taking Josh with me, I've nixed that idea. He is so volatile, and all his anger is directed towards me. I need to get away; get renewed and refreshed, and I think he needs to get away from me too. His father has agreed to check up on him everyday and Josh has agreed to go visit his dad every other day while I'm gone. Because he's adjusting his medication, I have no idea what he will be like, but he's agreed to hold his dosage at 150 mg until I return. If he's going to step off of it, he'll wait until I'm home to do it.
And then there's my boyfriend. We are to take this vacation together in one week, and to be completely honest, our relationship is not turning out to be all I'd hoped for.
If we do go on vacation together, I can't imagine our relationship lasting much beyond that, which is very sad.
Thank you faithful readers. So many of you have emailed me or commented about your concern for Josh and me and that means so much to me.
This situation with Josh has been the most difficult thing I've ever faced, but I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, like my blogging buddies, it makes everything a bit easier.
I haven't been able to post an update for some time because things around here change almost by the minute.
Josh is fine, almost normal, one minute, and in the next minute he's screaming, "F@*k you!" to me and running around the back yard beating the ground with a baseball bat.
Don't ask.
He is quite unhappy at the moment. He doesn't believe he is Bipolar, he HATES the way his medication makes him feel and he thinks his IOP is a huge waste of time and money.
So, he's decided to decrease his medication from 200 mg to 150. At 100 mg he was still all over the place mood wise, but at 200 he says he physically feels awful and his ability to control his anger and stress is worse. He's going to TRY 150 mg, but if he isn't happy with that dosage, he is going to step himself off the medication and use pot in limited amounts to help calm him and help him sleep at night.
He is no longer going to the mental health center and doesn't feel like he needs ongoing therapy.
While all of that sounds pretty terrible, there are parts of it that may not be as bad as they seem.
I attended a support group Monday night that is presented by the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). It was an interesting and informative evening.
One couple in our group has a 17 year old daughter who is Bipolar. Her mother told me that a year and a half ago her daughter chose to stop taking her meds. She smokes a limited amount of pot each evening to help her sleep and she has done well without meds.
"Honestly, I've heard this time and again over the years, pot seems to be a magic bullet for some people with Bipolar, as long as they limit the quantity. I hate to say it, but I wish they'd legalize it."
A book I read on the subject of Bipolar stresses the importance of medications but points out that there are people who are misdiagnosed and also people who have one depressive and manic episode and NEVER have another one. There are no statistics for these situations though.
So, maybe Josh is right and he doesn't have Bipolar (although after reading that book, I'm more convinced than ever that he is) OR, he has Bipolar, but perhaps he can manage his moods by using pot in modest quantities.
In the end, none of this is MY decision, he has to be responsible for his condition and he has to choose how to manage it. The only thing I've said to him is that I'm OK with whatever he chooses to do, as long as it manages his mood. I'm not willing to live like we've been living; highs and lows, screaming and yelling. If he goes off his medication and has problems, he'll need to reconsider his options.
My heart goes out to him and I pray that he'll be able to manage his moods without medication, but if he can't, well, more wild days ahead for us.
I am leaving in one week on vacation and while I had considered taking Josh with me, I've nixed that idea. He is so volatile, and all his anger is directed towards me. I need to get away; get renewed and refreshed, and I think he needs to get away from me too. His father has agreed to check up on him everyday and Josh has agreed to go visit his dad every other day while I'm gone. Because he's adjusting his medication, I have no idea what he will be like, but he's agreed to hold his dosage at 150 mg until I return. If he's going to step off of it, he'll wait until I'm home to do it.
And then there's my boyfriend. We are to take this vacation together in one week, and to be completely honest, our relationship is not turning out to be all I'd hoped for.
If we do go on vacation together, I can't imagine our relationship lasting much beyond that, which is very sad.
Thank you faithful readers. So many of you have emailed me or commented about your concern for Josh and me and that means so much to me.
This situation with Josh has been the most difficult thing I've ever faced, but I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, like my blogging buddies, it makes everything a bit easier.
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