I wonder if parenting experiences are similar for people who have sons or daughters who have Bipolar.
For me, I realize in looking back, that I 'learned' how to enable Josh, long before I ever knew there was a mental illness at work.
Josh was my 'easy' child. Always. The only real difficulty I ever had with him related to his incredibly, over the top, sore loser thing. Seriously, if this child lost at Monopoly, the board would go flying and he'd stomp off in anger. As he got older, he got better at taking his losses with something close to grace, but he was always very competitive.
And then this easy child became more difficult. More combative. Less easy to reason with. We could have a fruitful discussion about a current issue one day, and then, two days later his reaction to a continued discussion on the same topic would have him yelling and screaming and slamming doors.
Some of the good skills I use today when communicating with Josh, were established back then, but also, some of the bad skills I developed back then have been in play since Josh's diagnosis.
It has been an ongoing struggle to identify the things that work, and the things that don't, but I can tell you, ALL of it started during the few years before Josh actually began having the types of problems that lead us to a diagnosis.
I remember long chat discussions with a blogging buddy of mine back then, BEFORE Josh began having major problems. I remember trying many different things to get Josh more in line with where he should be, but his mood was ever changing. He'd be as lovable as a newborn kitten one day, and a few days later he'd be an angry lion.
I began enabling Josh back then, because so much of the time I was just trying to keep the peace.
Tough love is...well...tough to DO, and back then I had many things going on in my life that made it very easy to 'lighten up' too much on Josh, but once his issues became more severe, I had no choice but to figure out HOW to do Tough love right...consistently....and stick with it.
That has been one of the hardest things for me, because the ramifications of doing something like tossing your child out of your house, has such potential for some serious consequences.
I think that I realize better today just how important it is to take all this with a one day at a time attitude. Each situation you're faced with as you travel through a new bipolar diagnosis, well, you can only do your best at the time. But I can clearly see that I was given many opportunities along the way...some of them I didn't embrace as I should have, and others seemed almost 'destined'.
Kicking Josh out of my house was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and certainly I agonized over that decision every single day, but I learned to make peace with the decision and worked on taking care of myself so I could be really strong for the NEXT step, whatever that might be.
I would encourage anyone facing a similar crisis to spend some time honestly looking back to identify how the patterns you use got established in the first place, and when you look back, it's usually easy to see what works, and why, and what you should have done differently.
I'd be curious to know how many parents feel as I do; that all this started long before I realized there was a serious medical issue at play.
The one thing I've found out for sure is that there is a special skill set you must develop when dealing with a bipolar child who is a young adult, and you also have to develop a pretty thick skin as well. Josh and I have always shared a very close relationship; his friends were often astounded that he would shout back to me as they flew out of the house on their way to do something, "I love you Mom!".
Because we've always been close, and because he was always so easy to parent, the disconnect in our relationship that is very much a part of Bipolar, has been especially hard to adjust to, hence the need for the thick skin. I think Tough Love becomes so much harder to accomplish when dealing with Bipolar...there is so much at stake, so much that can 'go wrong' and I always have a strong feeling of not wanting to do something that might push Josh towards suicide. I do not want to have to live without him or with THAT guilt the rest of my life!
For me, I've found that looking a ways back has helped me a lot in dealing with this current situation. Unfortunately, I don't get a 'do over', I can only do better from here forward.
Showing posts with label He's an Adult. Show all posts
Showing posts with label He's an Adult. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Struggles Begin
Josh had a paper due yesterday that he's known about for several weeks. He got ONE paragraph of it written after working on it all night. He didn't go to classes yesterday either.
So I talked to Josh last night about missing classes yesterday and not getting his paper finished. I told him, "First of all, I'm not mad at you, so don't get all defensive, I'm concerned. You have a golden opportunity here and I hate to think you're not gonna be able to take advantage of it."
He said the paper was impossible.
"OK, but the key here is that it was impossible for YOU. I doubt any other student saw the project as anything more than another paper, just like a zillion papers they've written before, right?"
"Yea."
"OK, so really think about this...why did it seem impossible to YOU?"
"I don't know Mom, I just couldn't even get past the very beginning. I did all the research and everything and I just couldn't pull it together, like my thoughts were a jumbled mess."
"OK, why do you think that happened? I mean, was it a function of having put it off till the last minute and the pressure you put yourself under caused you to not be able to form a coherent thought OR are your thoughts just jumbled? I know that with my work, I KNOW how to approach a certain job, I'm good at what I do and I step through a job very methodically; I do THIS, then I check THAT, etc. But if I'm under pressure, whether I've procrastinated or something unexpected has landed in my lap that I have to get done NOW, I can get all disorganized with it and I find myself attacking the job from all angles, and I can't seem to get myself to FOCUS and step thru it logically."
"Yea, it was kinda like that. Maybe I need to get back on my adderall?"
"Then you should make an appointment and go see the doctor, and maybe while you're there you could discuss a sleep aid with her. Do you feel depressed at all?"
"No."
"Well one thing to think about, and I know you don't want to believe you really have Bipolar, but you need to really consider that it's possible that the trouble you had with this paper could be the 'disordered thinking' that is part of Bipolar."
"I don't know how Bipolar could make me not be able to write a paper, it seems more likely it's my ADD. There are tons of people with Bipolar who can write a paper mom."
"Yep, tons of Bipolar people ON BIPOLAR MEDICATION can write a paper. But with Bipolar your brain doesn't process information properly and I think you owe it to yourself to really think about the possibility that the problem you had with this paper may NOT be ADD, but just a part of Bipolar. I know you wanna think you're not Bipolar, but things like this...this disordered thinking, are a part of it. If you think back to last fall semester, you had this same problem writing one of your fiction stories, something you used to be able to just sit down and pound out. I don't know Josh, if you want to REALLY be successful in school this year, you've got to take a hard look at what's happening and be willing to explore all the possibilities and do whatever it takes to make it better. Maybe see the doctor and try adderall, cause that will work IMMEDIATELY, if the problem is ADD, but if you find yourself still struggling, I think you need to consider a bipolar medication maybe."
He didn't make a decision, but I'm going to ask him to make an appointment with his doctor tomorrow. I've learned that *I* have to stay right on top of these things, cause he'll just let it slide and not address it. That's not gonna work, so I'm gonna have to push him to ACT.
Something I've been doing for the last year, with mixed results. The problem is he'll finally act after he's gotten himself SO FAR DOWN, I have to really keep pushing him to ACT NOW.
I did remind him that HE will have to repay the grant money if he fails a class, that I'M not going to repay it, the grant is in HIS name, they will look to HIM for repayment.
"Something else to consider is dropping all your classes now, before the grant funds, and getting a full time job and see what the next year or so brings in terms of this Bipolar stuff. You can go back to school at anytime."
"So you think I should drop out of school?!!!"
"No, *I* think you should address what's happening right now and realize you need help. Josh, something has shifted for you. In High School and your first year of college, you didn't have these issues and you can stay in denial and NOT look at the reality here, but if you're gonna be in denial, you might as well be there in a full time job MAKING money instead of at an institution of higher learning WASTING money."
So I talked to Josh last night about missing classes yesterday and not getting his paper finished. I told him, "First of all, I'm not mad at you, so don't get all defensive, I'm concerned. You have a golden opportunity here and I hate to think you're not gonna be able to take advantage of it."
He said the paper was impossible.
"OK, but the key here is that it was impossible for YOU. I doubt any other student saw the project as anything more than another paper, just like a zillion papers they've written before, right?"
"Yea."
"OK, so really think about this...why did it seem impossible to YOU?"
"I don't know Mom, I just couldn't even get past the very beginning. I did all the research and everything and I just couldn't pull it together, like my thoughts were a jumbled mess."
"OK, why do you think that happened? I mean, was it a function of having put it off till the last minute and the pressure you put yourself under caused you to not be able to form a coherent thought OR are your thoughts just jumbled? I know that with my work, I KNOW how to approach a certain job, I'm good at what I do and I step through a job very methodically; I do THIS, then I check THAT, etc. But if I'm under pressure, whether I've procrastinated or something unexpected has landed in my lap that I have to get done NOW, I can get all disorganized with it and I find myself attacking the job from all angles, and I can't seem to get myself to FOCUS and step thru it logically."
"Yea, it was kinda like that. Maybe I need to get back on my adderall?"
"Then you should make an appointment and go see the doctor, and maybe while you're there you could discuss a sleep aid with her. Do you feel depressed at all?"
"No."
"Well one thing to think about, and I know you don't want to believe you really have Bipolar, but you need to really consider that it's possible that the trouble you had with this paper could be the 'disordered thinking' that is part of Bipolar."
"I don't know how Bipolar could make me not be able to write a paper, it seems more likely it's my ADD. There are tons of people with Bipolar who can write a paper mom."
"Yep, tons of Bipolar people ON BIPOLAR MEDICATION can write a paper. But with Bipolar your brain doesn't process information properly and I think you owe it to yourself to really think about the possibility that the problem you had with this paper may NOT be ADD, but just a part of Bipolar. I know you wanna think you're not Bipolar, but things like this...this disordered thinking, are a part of it. If you think back to last fall semester, you had this same problem writing one of your fiction stories, something you used to be able to just sit down and pound out. I don't know Josh, if you want to REALLY be successful in school this year, you've got to take a hard look at what's happening and be willing to explore all the possibilities and do whatever it takes to make it better. Maybe see the doctor and try adderall, cause that will work IMMEDIATELY, if the problem is ADD, but if you find yourself still struggling, I think you need to consider a bipolar medication maybe."
He didn't make a decision, but I'm going to ask him to make an appointment with his doctor tomorrow. I've learned that *I* have to stay right on top of these things, cause he'll just let it slide and not address it. That's not gonna work, so I'm gonna have to push him to ACT.
Something I've been doing for the last year, with mixed results. The problem is he'll finally act after he's gotten himself SO FAR DOWN, I have to really keep pushing him to ACT NOW.
I did remind him that HE will have to repay the grant money if he fails a class, that I'M not going to repay it, the grant is in HIS name, they will look to HIM for repayment.
"Something else to consider is dropping all your classes now, before the grant funds, and getting a full time job and see what the next year or so brings in terms of this Bipolar stuff. You can go back to school at anytime."
"So you think I should drop out of school?!!!"
"No, *I* think you should address what's happening right now and realize you need help. Josh, something has shifted for you. In High School and your first year of college, you didn't have these issues and you can stay in denial and NOT look at the reality here, but if you're gonna be in denial, you might as well be there in a full time job MAKING money instead of at an institution of higher learning WASTING money."
Monday, July 19, 2010
Still Playing the Waiting Game
Not much new to report where Josh is concerned. He continues to be 'fine'.
He got all of his student aid issues resolved and has enrolled for fall classes. His grant money and student aid is conditional on him not failing any classes or getting any withdrawls or incompletes.
He is only taking three classes and his classes will be on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, they all begin at 12:30. This schedule should work well for him since he won't have to drive either direction during rush hour traffic and he can sleep in which is the schedule he prefers.
Right now his sleep schedule is completely topsy turvy. He goes to bed between 4-6 AM and sleeps until 3 PM or so. I pointed out that not only is his schedule upside down (which won't work once school starts), but he is also sleeping 12 hours some days.
"You know Josh, people who are depressed tend to sleep too much, you need to check yourself to make sure you don't feel like you're slipping into a depression."
"I think I'm fine, I'm not sad or having any dark thoughts or anything."
"OK, but you need to monitor that because now would be the time to address it so that you will be ready when school starts."
He has been very slow to address his job situation. He has typically been working less than ten hours a week and this week, they didn't schedule him at all. In light of that, he has submitted some applications online, but his money situation has now become dire. Last week his car battery died and instead of giving him or loaning him the money to buy a new battery, I let him figure it out on his own, my thinking being that a new battery would take most of his available cash and he would FINALLY feel a need to act on the job thing. That seems to have had the desired effect.
He went without a car most of the week until he got his paycheck. He jumped his car and drove and bought a new battery.
In general he has been very pleasant. Often he'll do dishes or other household tasks before I can even mention them to him. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like he's tearin' it up around here, but I see improvement in that area.
He also agreed to clean the house every Friday in lieu of paying me rent and he has done a pretty good job with that. Sometimes he won't get everything finished on Friday, so he finishes up on Saturday, but he's at least doing it with a smile on his face.
He still spends too much time alone, but also sees his 'good' friends fairly often. They will all be returning to college soon, but so will he AND I hope he has a new job as well. School and work will fill a lot of his time and force him to get on a more normal schedule.
I feel pretty comfortable about his return to school. There is no way to know what might happen as the school year progresses. It's quite possible that Bipolar symptoms will appear and I can only pray that if they do, he will address them properly. I think not moving forward with school plans would be detrimental to him at this point, he needs the routine that school provides and to feel like his life is moving forward after having it all derail so badly during the last year.
He would like to think he's not Bipolar, but I'm not convinced he isn't. I expect there to be further issues down the road and it is impossible to say that if he's in a Bipolar state of mind will he still 'see' the need for medication. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
It's very hard feeling like we are sitting on a time bomb, just waiting for it to explode, but that's what we're doing. There is very little that we can do to prepare for that eventuality. Josh isn't willing to discuss the possibilities very much, about the only thing we've agreed upon is to seek his therapists help if things go tits up.
I have missed the last several DBSA meetings due to other obligations, and I won't be able to attend tonight either, but hope to go back next week. It is very hard to sit in those meetings and listen to other people's horror stories when Josh is doing so well. It feels a bit like what survivor guilt must feel like. It's nice to know that the group is there though because I have a feeling I'll be needing their support again in the future.
Josh is doing well, but that doesn't mean he's 100% where he needs to be. I'm watching him closely, there is no part of me that feels like we're out of the woods or anything. I'm just trying very hard to enjoy this respite; I'm getting a lot done around the house and enjoying time with my friends etc.
Basically, I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.
He got all of his student aid issues resolved and has enrolled for fall classes. His grant money and student aid is conditional on him not failing any classes or getting any withdrawls or incompletes.
He is only taking three classes and his classes will be on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, they all begin at 12:30. This schedule should work well for him since he won't have to drive either direction during rush hour traffic and he can sleep in which is the schedule he prefers.
Right now his sleep schedule is completely topsy turvy. He goes to bed between 4-6 AM and sleeps until 3 PM or so. I pointed out that not only is his schedule upside down (which won't work once school starts), but he is also sleeping 12 hours some days.
"You know Josh, people who are depressed tend to sleep too much, you need to check yourself to make sure you don't feel like you're slipping into a depression."
"I think I'm fine, I'm not sad or having any dark thoughts or anything."
"OK, but you need to monitor that because now would be the time to address it so that you will be ready when school starts."
He has been very slow to address his job situation. He has typically been working less than ten hours a week and this week, they didn't schedule him at all. In light of that, he has submitted some applications online, but his money situation has now become dire. Last week his car battery died and instead of giving him or loaning him the money to buy a new battery, I let him figure it out on his own, my thinking being that a new battery would take most of his available cash and he would FINALLY feel a need to act on the job thing. That seems to have had the desired effect.
He went without a car most of the week until he got his paycheck. He jumped his car and drove and bought a new battery.
In general he has been very pleasant. Often he'll do dishes or other household tasks before I can even mention them to him. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like he's tearin' it up around here, but I see improvement in that area.
He also agreed to clean the house every Friday in lieu of paying me rent and he has done a pretty good job with that. Sometimes he won't get everything finished on Friday, so he finishes up on Saturday, but he's at least doing it with a smile on his face.
He still spends too much time alone, but also sees his 'good' friends fairly often. They will all be returning to college soon, but so will he AND I hope he has a new job as well. School and work will fill a lot of his time and force him to get on a more normal schedule.
I feel pretty comfortable about his return to school. There is no way to know what might happen as the school year progresses. It's quite possible that Bipolar symptoms will appear and I can only pray that if they do, he will address them properly. I think not moving forward with school plans would be detrimental to him at this point, he needs the routine that school provides and to feel like his life is moving forward after having it all derail so badly during the last year.
He would like to think he's not Bipolar, but I'm not convinced he isn't. I expect there to be further issues down the road and it is impossible to say that if he's in a Bipolar state of mind will he still 'see' the need for medication. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
It's very hard feeling like we are sitting on a time bomb, just waiting for it to explode, but that's what we're doing. There is very little that we can do to prepare for that eventuality. Josh isn't willing to discuss the possibilities very much, about the only thing we've agreed upon is to seek his therapists help if things go tits up.
I have missed the last several DBSA meetings due to other obligations, and I won't be able to attend tonight either, but hope to go back next week. It is very hard to sit in those meetings and listen to other people's horror stories when Josh is doing so well. It feels a bit like what survivor guilt must feel like. It's nice to know that the group is there though because I have a feeling I'll be needing their support again in the future.
Josh is doing well, but that doesn't mean he's 100% where he needs to be. I'm watching him closely, there is no part of me that feels like we're out of the woods or anything. I'm just trying very hard to enjoy this respite; I'm getting a lot done around the house and enjoying time with my friends etc.
Basically, I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Realities of Hospitalization
When Josh became manic, I didn't even know he was manic. I didn't know what manic meant. If I'm being honest I would tell you that I came home and found Josh acting nutso.
Ahem.
Anyway, long story short, off to the Psych Hospital we went, with me encouraging him the entire way that this was the right thing to do.
And he'll probably hold that against me the rest of my life.
It was not a good experience for him, but I've come to realize that Mental Institutions aren't a good experience for anyone.
It seems the goal is to bring em' down or lift em' up, begin a medication and get them out of there in a perfectly timed maneuver that has them walking OUT the door at precisely the moment their insurance stops paying.
Unfortunately, fiscal concerns determine the level of care received, and the hospitals aren't driving the bus, the insurers are.
That's a fact.
A sad fact.
In addition to that, there is very little competition to force better care. We live in a fairly large metropolitan area and I can only think of maybe four Psychiatric Hospitals in a 50 mile radius.
Mental Institutions are pushed up against a wall to make a profit, so things like, oh...communicating with caretakers, falls by the wayside, as does educating caretakers.
Seriously, Josh came home with a prescription and a piece of paper that explained side effects to watch out for and a notation that he had an appointment the next day with some dude. I had no idea what the dude's purpose was, just that Josh was to see him.
I also didn't know what to expect in the coming days. I wasn't prepared for his rages, or disordered thinking. I didn't know what my JOB was.
A simple pamphlet could have alleviated some of the missteps I made over the first days and weeks. A one page sheet of paper could have imparted much needed information.
Because in the end, Josh's best interests were not served by the lack of communication and education I received from the hospital...which was zip.
Another aspect of Hospitalization where mental illness is concerned is that the person in charge of making decisions and asking the right questions (the patient) is temporarily incapacitated mentally! Add to that the fact that historical data about past episodes and behaviors are being collected from someone who thinks he's a messiah put here to spread the truth, and it's pretty evident that THE DOCTORS SHOULD BE TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO ISN'T SUFFERING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!
Even though Josh had signed a release so the doctors could talk to me, even though I left messages asking the doctors to call me, they didn't.
Because time is money.
So basically, they can prescribe whatever they want cause they know the patient isn't capable of any input into the decision.
Josh NEVER wants to go to the hospital again, and I don't want him to EVER have to go to the hospital again, but when you're in a state of mania, your options become limited.
It's just possible that if hospitals were able to provide the necessary level of care, communication and education that this Disorder requires, then repeated hospitalizations may not be needed, thus saving insurance companies money in the long run.
If a patient could stay in the hospital long enough to become stable, go on a medication that a loved one helped choose after discussing side effects, lifestyles and past behaviors, and then went home with a caregiver who knew what the hell was going on, the cycle of non-compliance could be shortened.
I'm just sayin'
Ahem.
Anyway, long story short, off to the Psych Hospital we went, with me encouraging him the entire way that this was the right thing to do.
And he'll probably hold that against me the rest of my life.
It was not a good experience for him, but I've come to realize that Mental Institutions aren't a good experience for anyone.
It seems the goal is to bring em' down or lift em' up, begin a medication and get them out of there in a perfectly timed maneuver that has them walking OUT the door at precisely the moment their insurance stops paying.
Unfortunately, fiscal concerns determine the level of care received, and the hospitals aren't driving the bus, the insurers are.
That's a fact.
A sad fact.
In addition to that, there is very little competition to force better care. We live in a fairly large metropolitan area and I can only think of maybe four Psychiatric Hospitals in a 50 mile radius.
Mental Institutions are pushed up against a wall to make a profit, so things like, oh...communicating with caretakers, falls by the wayside, as does educating caretakers.
Seriously, Josh came home with a prescription and a piece of paper that explained side effects to watch out for and a notation that he had an appointment the next day with some dude. I had no idea what the dude's purpose was, just that Josh was to see him.
I also didn't know what to expect in the coming days. I wasn't prepared for his rages, or disordered thinking. I didn't know what my JOB was.
A simple pamphlet could have alleviated some of the missteps I made over the first days and weeks. A one page sheet of paper could have imparted much needed information.
Because in the end, Josh's best interests were not served by the lack of communication and education I received from the hospital...which was zip.
Another aspect of Hospitalization where mental illness is concerned is that the person in charge of making decisions and asking the right questions (the patient) is temporarily incapacitated mentally! Add to that the fact that historical data about past episodes and behaviors are being collected from someone who thinks he's a messiah put here to spread the truth, and it's pretty evident that THE DOCTORS SHOULD BE TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO ISN'T SUFFERING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!
Even though Josh had signed a release so the doctors could talk to me, even though I left messages asking the doctors to call me, they didn't.
Because time is money.
So basically, they can prescribe whatever they want cause they know the patient isn't capable of any input into the decision.
Josh NEVER wants to go to the hospital again, and I don't want him to EVER have to go to the hospital again, but when you're in a state of mania, your options become limited.
It's just possible that if hospitals were able to provide the necessary level of care, communication and education that this Disorder requires, then repeated hospitalizations may not be needed, thus saving insurance companies money in the long run.
If a patient could stay in the hospital long enough to become stable, go on a medication that a loved one helped choose after discussing side effects, lifestyles and past behaviors, and then went home with a caregiver who knew what the hell was going on, the cycle of non-compliance could be shortened.
I'm just sayin'
Thursday, June 17, 2010
So Here We Are
Today I sat down with Peter, the therapist that Josh had been seeing before being hospitalized. Peter has been very helpful to ME as I've moved through the past few months trying to deal with something I have no knowledge about.
Bipolar.
Specifically, I need Peter to help me in guiding Josh toward mature responsibility. Not just responsibility surrounding his disorder, but his long standing life issues; his inability to just basically get his shit together and act like a 20 year old.
I made headway this week during a discussion with Josh about his need to contribute in some way to the running of this household. He does basic chores if asked, on occasion without being asked, but he has a sense of entitlement that needs to change.
On the one hand Josh insists on being treated like an adult, because hey! He's 20 years old! But often his behavior is more akin to a 12 year old. I've been encouraging him to get a second job since he sat out a semester of college due to his depression. Well, it's about time for college to start again and he still has one job that offers him less than 20 hours a week. There's a whole lot of time in there that he needs to fill.
After much discussion we agreed that he would clean the house each Friday in lieu of beginning to pay me a nominal amount of 'rent'. His brain is so fuzzy right now though that he asked me to text him each Friday morning to remind him to clean the house.
Peter and I agree that baby steps are in order. The one thing that someone dealing with Bipolar needs to avoid is stress. Stress builds and builds and sends someone with Bipolar into a manic episode.
So tread lightly.
Peter and I talked about the discussions that Josh and I have been having where I feel he is leaning more towards acceptance. Peter feels that I am handling those discussions very well, acknowledging how difficult of a diagnosis it is to accept, and stressing the importance of management as the key.
Peter feels that Josh's questions regarding past delusional episodes, and his recognition that he was likely a bit delusional when talking with his friend one night, are all great indicators that he's really beginning to 'see' the truth.
Josh has been extremely flaky today. We went out to dinner and when we returned he told me he was going to smoke pot.
My stand on pot? Well, I'm not gonna sit here and lie and say I've never smoked pot, or lie and say that when I did smoke it I didn't inhale. Personally, I wish they'd legalize the stuff because then the product that our kids would be smoking would be controlled and safer, there would be tax revenues, and if you think for one second that you can control it's use by keeping it illegal, you're nuts.
Do I want Josh smokin' pot? I honestly can't say because I've read such differing views on the subject of pot and bipolar. I think that's a heavy subject for its own post in the near future.
I can tell you this much. The problem with pot is probably twofold. It affects everyone differently and each medication differently and the quality of pot and what it might be laced with is a concern.
And I'll also tell you this. After Josh smoked tonight, he joined me out on the deck and he became increasingly 'sad'. He said he feels like he's a shitty person, that *I* think he's a shitty person. And while his anxiety level was a little elevated all day, he became more and more anxious as the evening wore on. But the interesting thing is that HE noticed this himself.
His anxiety took MANY forms tonight. He's worried about his thyroid, had me pull up a picture of it on the internet. Then he was concerned that the benadryl he was taking to help him sleep was SO little it would get stuck in his throat because his throat hurts and he thinks his thyroid may be enlarged. And he's almost sure he's all of a sudden allergic to his contact solution because his eyes look weird to him and in fact, last night he got some contact solution on his finger and it burned.
It is almost midnight and he's having a hell of a time getting to sleep. I taught him how to belly breath, because he's SO anxious. I finally said, "Go lay down, put on some soft music and belly breath...just concentrate on your breath."
Sheesh, he's wearin' me out.
The fact of the matter is, and I told Josh this, the last eight weeks have been hell. For both of us, but mostly for his poor brain. It's be inundated with all manner of drugs. Sedatives, sleeping aids, this dose of medicine, NO, this dose, NO this dose. Sheesh, no wonder Josh is a walking buffoon.
"I think you'll feel less foggy in a week or so, once all these chemicals are out of your brain, and then we'll see what happens."
And today, while sitting on the front porch with me, Josh looked at me and said, "Well, what are we gonna do if I get bad again?
"You mean like manic?"
"Yeah"
"Well, I don't know. I talked to Patrick today about the Psychiatrists in his office, and that's an option, but he also said they have a Clinical NP who is very good, a little less expensive and he felt she might be a good fit for you, so you should think about if you'd like to see her, or one of their Psychiatrists sometime soon, so they know you, you are under their care, and then if you become manic, we have someone who can help us out."
Josh and I both are having fasting blood work done next Wednesday, ahead of our Physicals which are scheduled for Monday. I will go in with Josh at the beginning of his appointment and discuss our concerns with the doctor. I told Josh that I want him to listen as I talk to the doctor so he can learn to communicate effectively with the professionals in charge of his care.
"It's going to be very important that YOU learn how to ask questions and even challenge the doctors. If they suggest something you don't understand, ask them to explain. If they propose something that you're not comfortable with, ask them what alternatives are available. YOU really are in charge of ALL the decisions about this, but you have to be able to be an advocate for yourself."
Bipolar.
Specifically, I need Peter to help me in guiding Josh toward mature responsibility. Not just responsibility surrounding his disorder, but his long standing life issues; his inability to just basically get his shit together and act like a 20 year old.
I made headway this week during a discussion with Josh about his need to contribute in some way to the running of this household. He does basic chores if asked, on occasion without being asked, but he has a sense of entitlement that needs to change.
On the one hand Josh insists on being treated like an adult, because hey! He's 20 years old! But often his behavior is more akin to a 12 year old. I've been encouraging him to get a second job since he sat out a semester of college due to his depression. Well, it's about time for college to start again and he still has one job that offers him less than 20 hours a week. There's a whole lot of time in there that he needs to fill.
After much discussion we agreed that he would clean the house each Friday in lieu of beginning to pay me a nominal amount of 'rent'. His brain is so fuzzy right now though that he asked me to text him each Friday morning to remind him to clean the house.
Peter and I agree that baby steps are in order. The one thing that someone dealing with Bipolar needs to avoid is stress. Stress builds and builds and sends someone with Bipolar into a manic episode.
So tread lightly.
Peter and I talked about the discussions that Josh and I have been having where I feel he is leaning more towards acceptance. Peter feels that I am handling those discussions very well, acknowledging how difficult of a diagnosis it is to accept, and stressing the importance of management as the key.
Peter feels that Josh's questions regarding past delusional episodes, and his recognition that he was likely a bit delusional when talking with his friend one night, are all great indicators that he's really beginning to 'see' the truth.
Josh has been extremely flaky today. We went out to dinner and when we returned he told me he was going to smoke pot.
My stand on pot? Well, I'm not gonna sit here and lie and say I've never smoked pot, or lie and say that when I did smoke it I didn't inhale. Personally, I wish they'd legalize the stuff because then the product that our kids would be smoking would be controlled and safer, there would be tax revenues, and if you think for one second that you can control it's use by keeping it illegal, you're nuts.
Do I want Josh smokin' pot? I honestly can't say because I've read such differing views on the subject of pot and bipolar. I think that's a heavy subject for its own post in the near future.
I can tell you this much. The problem with pot is probably twofold. It affects everyone differently and each medication differently and the quality of pot and what it might be laced with is a concern.
And I'll also tell you this. After Josh smoked tonight, he joined me out on the deck and he became increasingly 'sad'. He said he feels like he's a shitty person, that *I* think he's a shitty person. And while his anxiety level was a little elevated all day, he became more and more anxious as the evening wore on. But the interesting thing is that HE noticed this himself.
His anxiety took MANY forms tonight. He's worried about his thyroid, had me pull up a picture of it on the internet. Then he was concerned that the benadryl he was taking to help him sleep was SO little it would get stuck in his throat because his throat hurts and he thinks his thyroid may be enlarged. And he's almost sure he's all of a sudden allergic to his contact solution because his eyes look weird to him and in fact, last night he got some contact solution on his finger and it burned.
It is almost midnight and he's having a hell of a time getting to sleep. I taught him how to belly breath, because he's SO anxious. I finally said, "Go lay down, put on some soft music and belly breath...just concentrate on your breath."
Sheesh, he's wearin' me out.
The fact of the matter is, and I told Josh this, the last eight weeks have been hell. For both of us, but mostly for his poor brain. It's be inundated with all manner of drugs. Sedatives, sleeping aids, this dose of medicine, NO, this dose, NO this dose. Sheesh, no wonder Josh is a walking buffoon.
"I think you'll feel less foggy in a week or so, once all these chemicals are out of your brain, and then we'll see what happens."
And today, while sitting on the front porch with me, Josh looked at me and said, "Well, what are we gonna do if I get bad again?
"You mean like manic?"
"Yeah"
"Well, I don't know. I talked to Patrick today about the Psychiatrists in his office, and that's an option, but he also said they have a Clinical NP who is very good, a little less expensive and he felt she might be a good fit for you, so you should think about if you'd like to see her, or one of their Psychiatrists sometime soon, so they know you, you are under their care, and then if you become manic, we have someone who can help us out."
Josh and I both are having fasting blood work done next Wednesday, ahead of our Physicals which are scheduled for Monday. I will go in with Josh at the beginning of his appointment and discuss our concerns with the doctor. I told Josh that I want him to listen as I talk to the doctor so he can learn to communicate effectively with the professionals in charge of his care.
"It's going to be very important that YOU learn how to ask questions and even challenge the doctors. If they suggest something you don't understand, ask them to explain. If they propose something that you're not comfortable with, ask them what alternatives are available. YOU really are in charge of ALL the decisions about this, but you have to be able to be an advocate for yourself."
And The Adventure Continues
Originally posted on my private blog on May 23, 2010
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
Too Many Freakin' T-shirts!
Originally posted on my private blog on May 20, 2010
I haven't been able to post an update for some time because things around here change almost by the minute.
Josh is fine, almost normal, one minute, and in the next minute he's screaming, "F@*k you!" to me and running around the back yard beating the ground with a baseball bat.
Don't ask.
He is quite unhappy at the moment. He doesn't believe he is Bipolar, he HATES the way his medication makes him feel and he thinks his IOP is a huge waste of time and money.
So, he's decided to decrease his medication from 200 mg to 150. At 100 mg he was still all over the place mood wise, but at 200 he says he physically feels awful and his ability to control his anger and stress is worse. He's going to TRY 150 mg, but if he isn't happy with that dosage, he is going to step himself off the medication and use pot in limited amounts to help calm him and help him sleep at night.
He is no longer going to the mental health center and doesn't feel like he needs ongoing therapy.
While all of that sounds pretty terrible, there are parts of it that may not be as bad as they seem.
I attended a support group Monday night that is presented by the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). It was an interesting and informative evening.
One couple in our group has a 17 year old daughter who is Bipolar. Her mother told me that a year and a half ago her daughter chose to stop taking her meds. She smokes a limited amount of pot each evening to help her sleep and she has done well without meds.
"Honestly, I've heard this time and again over the years, pot seems to be a magic bullet for some people with Bipolar, as long as they limit the quantity. I hate to say it, but I wish they'd legalize it."
A book I read on the subject of Bipolar stresses the importance of medications but points out that there are people who are misdiagnosed and also people who have one depressive and manic episode and NEVER have another one. There are no statistics for these situations though.
So, maybe Josh is right and he doesn't have Bipolar (although after reading that book, I'm more convinced than ever that he is) OR, he has Bipolar, but perhaps he can manage his moods by using pot in modest quantities.
In the end, none of this is MY decision, he has to be responsible for his condition and he has to choose how to manage it. The only thing I've said to him is that I'm OK with whatever he chooses to do, as long as it manages his mood. I'm not willing to live like we've been living; highs and lows, screaming and yelling. If he goes off his medication and has problems, he'll need to reconsider his options.
My heart goes out to him and I pray that he'll be able to manage his moods without medication, but if he can't, well, more wild days ahead for us.
I am leaving in one week on vacation and while I had considered taking Josh with me, I've nixed that idea. He is so volatile, and all his anger is directed towards me. I need to get away; get renewed and refreshed, and I think he needs to get away from me too. His father has agreed to check up on him everyday and Josh has agreed to go visit his dad every other day while I'm gone. Because he's adjusting his medication, I have no idea what he will be like, but he's agreed to hold his dosage at 150 mg until I return. If he's going to step off of it, he'll wait until I'm home to do it.
And then there's my boyfriend. We are to take this vacation together in one week, and to be completely honest, our relationship is not turning out to be all I'd hoped for.
If we do go on vacation together, I can't imagine our relationship lasting much beyond that, which is very sad.
Thank you faithful readers. So many of you have emailed me or commented about your concern for Josh and me and that means so much to me.
This situation with Josh has been the most difficult thing I've ever faced, but I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, like my blogging buddies, it makes everything a bit easier.
I haven't been able to post an update for some time because things around here change almost by the minute.
Josh is fine, almost normal, one minute, and in the next minute he's screaming, "F@*k you!" to me and running around the back yard beating the ground with a baseball bat.
Don't ask.
He is quite unhappy at the moment. He doesn't believe he is Bipolar, he HATES the way his medication makes him feel and he thinks his IOP is a huge waste of time and money.
So, he's decided to decrease his medication from 200 mg to 150. At 100 mg he was still all over the place mood wise, but at 200 he says he physically feels awful and his ability to control his anger and stress is worse. He's going to TRY 150 mg, but if he isn't happy with that dosage, he is going to step himself off the medication and use pot in limited amounts to help calm him and help him sleep at night.
He is no longer going to the mental health center and doesn't feel like he needs ongoing therapy.
While all of that sounds pretty terrible, there are parts of it that may not be as bad as they seem.
I attended a support group Monday night that is presented by the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). It was an interesting and informative evening.
One couple in our group has a 17 year old daughter who is Bipolar. Her mother told me that a year and a half ago her daughter chose to stop taking her meds. She smokes a limited amount of pot each evening to help her sleep and she has done well without meds.
"Honestly, I've heard this time and again over the years, pot seems to be a magic bullet for some people with Bipolar, as long as they limit the quantity. I hate to say it, but I wish they'd legalize it."
A book I read on the subject of Bipolar stresses the importance of medications but points out that there are people who are misdiagnosed and also people who have one depressive and manic episode and NEVER have another one. There are no statistics for these situations though.
So, maybe Josh is right and he doesn't have Bipolar (although after reading that book, I'm more convinced than ever that he is) OR, he has Bipolar, but perhaps he can manage his moods by using pot in modest quantities.
In the end, none of this is MY decision, he has to be responsible for his condition and he has to choose how to manage it. The only thing I've said to him is that I'm OK with whatever he chooses to do, as long as it manages his mood. I'm not willing to live like we've been living; highs and lows, screaming and yelling. If he goes off his medication and has problems, he'll need to reconsider his options.
My heart goes out to him and I pray that he'll be able to manage his moods without medication, but if he can't, well, more wild days ahead for us.
I am leaving in one week on vacation and while I had considered taking Josh with me, I've nixed that idea. He is so volatile, and all his anger is directed towards me. I need to get away; get renewed and refreshed, and I think he needs to get away from me too. His father has agreed to check up on him everyday and Josh has agreed to go visit his dad every other day while I'm gone. Because he's adjusting his medication, I have no idea what he will be like, but he's agreed to hold his dosage at 150 mg until I return. If he's going to step off of it, he'll wait until I'm home to do it.
And then there's my boyfriend. We are to take this vacation together in one week, and to be completely honest, our relationship is not turning out to be all I'd hoped for.
If we do go on vacation together, I can't imagine our relationship lasting much beyond that, which is very sad.
Thank you faithful readers. So many of you have emailed me or commented about your concern for Josh and me and that means so much to me.
This situation with Josh has been the most difficult thing I've ever faced, but I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, like my blogging buddies, it makes everything a bit easier.
All Josh, All The Time
Originally Posted to my Private Blog On May 10, 2010
Sorry for the lack of updates since Josh came home from the hospital, but things have been very difficult.
He came home last Tuesday and was still very manic...not 'crazy'...just very 'up'; very talkative, racing thoughts, etc.
Everyday since he came home his condition has deteriorated, to the point that last night I was afraid to be with him.
It is very hard to describe what I have been experiencing with him. I've spent HOURS just sitting and listening to him talk, and each day the conversation has gotten more alarming.
As an example of how his mind is processing information, I'll tell you a little tale, but there are probably a hundred such tales I could relay to you that are as disturbing as this one is:
Josh took his extended wear lenses out Saturday morning because he had developed an infection in his LEFT eye.
Last night, as he was raging at me about many, many different things (pacing back and forth at the end of my bed screaming and pounding his fist on the bed and the dresser for emphasis) he started talking about the medication he was taking and all the things he didn't like about it; how it makes him FEEL inside and how he can't possibly live with this FEELING the rest of his life. And then he said, "This medicine is slowly killing the LEFT side of my brain while it builds up the RIGHT side, and if you don't believe that MOM, look at my LEFT eye, that's the dead brain cells coming out of my eye."
Jordan, his girlfriend and my boyfriend came for Mother's Day dinner last night. None of them have seen Josh since he's been home. They were all three appalled by his condition, and I have to say that with the extra activity in the house, Josh was probably 50% BETTER than normal.
After Jordan and his girlfriend left, my boyfriend said that he thought he'd go home too, that he didn't feel like he could handle being there with Josh in that condition.
That kind of disappointed me. I have been there beside him through some pretty difficult stuff. It wasn't COMFORTABLE for me, but I did it because I care about him. I am here ALL ALONE with Josh. I'm scared to death about his condition, about my safety, about HIS safety, and it was a bit hard to swallow that my boyfriend wasn't able to stay with me last night.
On the other hand, he's never had children and so he feels very out of his element with all this (uh huh, join the club!). In addition to that, Josh is NOT himself, by any stretch of the imagination. He is being HORRIBLE to me. My boyfriend saw enough of that last night (although NOT to the degree Josh goes to when we're alone together) and it is hard for him to watch me being treated that way.
On the phone last night he said, "Melody, you've never seen me angry, but if I had stayed I probably wouldn't have been able to continue to watch him treat you that way and I'm sure he and I would have gotten into a pretty good argument about it. Basically, you'd have had two crazy acting people to deal with."
Since Josh came home, he has argued with me regularly about his ability to still smoke pot on occasion, that it actually 'helps' him. So, according to him, he has smoked a small amount of pot twice. He also drank a beer "to detox his system before they drug tested him at IOP Monday morning." Clearly his mind is not working properly and nothing *I* say can deter him from doing these things that I know are counterproductive.
His deterioration may be largely due to him self medicating, or it could be that his medication needs further tweaking.
Backing up to last Wednesday, Josh met with a counselor at the Mental Health Center that has taken over his outpatient care. He was evaluated to determine the level of care he needed. It was decided that he would attend IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) five days a week, from 9AM till 3 PM. Now THAT's some Intensive care.
After Josh met with the counselor, Rob, I asked to speak to him and tried to impress on him the things Josh had been saying to me about pot usage and his belief that he isn't Bipolar and does not plan on staying on medications for more than 3-6 months.
Rob very nicely told me to stay out of it and let them do their job, that they would be addressing all of this with Josh during his IOP.
I called Rob this morning and left him a VM, "I know that you'd like me to 'stay out of it and let you do your job', but Josh's state is of great concern to me. I'd like to talk with you before IOP today and let you know what's going on with him."
Rob called me back and stated that he couldn't talk to me about Josh's condition, but he could listen to anything I felt he needed to know. On Wednesday, while Josh was in with Rob, I asked the desk clerk if the form that allowed the doctors to speak with me regarding Josh's care that Josh had signed upon admittance to the hospital had come over to them. She checked his records in the computer, asked if I was Melody and said that they had the form there. Rob couldn't find that form in Josh's chart so he was unable to GIVE me any information, but I gave him plenty.
He was very concerned and stated, "Well, maybe this isn't going to work after all, but let me spend the day with him and get a feel for what's going on, and I'll try to get him to sign another permission form today too. Also, I want you to know that my remarks to you last week were in no way meant to make you feel like your fears and concerns shouldn't be discussed with me. I merely wanted the frustration between you and Josh to be diminished where his medication and pot usage are concerned because that is something we will be working on with him. You call me anytime there is something you think I need to know because I'm not going to see the same Josh here that you are living with."
I'm not sure what Rob meant when he said, "Maybe this isn't going to work." Does he mean IOP isn't the answer for Josh? Does he feel that Josh needs to be hospitalized again?
I don't know and until they either locate the original permission form or get a new one signed, I'm unable to GET any information from them.
Sigh
Sorry for the lack of updates since Josh came home from the hospital, but things have been very difficult.
He came home last Tuesday and was still very manic...not 'crazy'...just very 'up'; very talkative, racing thoughts, etc.
Everyday since he came home his condition has deteriorated, to the point that last night I was afraid to be with him.
It is very hard to describe what I have been experiencing with him. I've spent HOURS just sitting and listening to him talk, and each day the conversation has gotten more alarming.
As an example of how his mind is processing information, I'll tell you a little tale, but there are probably a hundred such tales I could relay to you that are as disturbing as this one is:
Josh took his extended wear lenses out Saturday morning because he had developed an infection in his LEFT eye.
Last night, as he was raging at me about many, many different things (pacing back and forth at the end of my bed screaming and pounding his fist on the bed and the dresser for emphasis) he started talking about the medication he was taking and all the things he didn't like about it; how it makes him FEEL inside and how he can't possibly live with this FEELING the rest of his life. And then he said, "This medicine is slowly killing the LEFT side of my brain while it builds up the RIGHT side, and if you don't believe that MOM, look at my LEFT eye, that's the dead brain cells coming out of my eye."
Jordan, his girlfriend and my boyfriend came for Mother's Day dinner last night. None of them have seen Josh since he's been home. They were all three appalled by his condition, and I have to say that with the extra activity in the house, Josh was probably 50% BETTER than normal.
After Jordan and his girlfriend left, my boyfriend said that he thought he'd go home too, that he didn't feel like he could handle being there with Josh in that condition.
That kind of disappointed me. I have been there beside him through some pretty difficult stuff. It wasn't COMFORTABLE for me, but I did it because I care about him. I am here ALL ALONE with Josh. I'm scared to death about his condition, about my safety, about HIS safety, and it was a bit hard to swallow that my boyfriend wasn't able to stay with me last night.
On the other hand, he's never had children and so he feels very out of his element with all this (uh huh, join the club!). In addition to that, Josh is NOT himself, by any stretch of the imagination. He is being HORRIBLE to me. My boyfriend saw enough of that last night (although NOT to the degree Josh goes to when we're alone together) and it is hard for him to watch me being treated that way.
On the phone last night he said, "Melody, you've never seen me angry, but if I had stayed I probably wouldn't have been able to continue to watch him treat you that way and I'm sure he and I would have gotten into a pretty good argument about it. Basically, you'd have had two crazy acting people to deal with."
Since Josh came home, he has argued with me regularly about his ability to still smoke pot on occasion, that it actually 'helps' him. So, according to him, he has smoked a small amount of pot twice. He also drank a beer "to detox his system before they drug tested him at IOP Monday morning." Clearly his mind is not working properly and nothing *I* say can deter him from doing these things that I know are counterproductive.
His deterioration may be largely due to him self medicating, or it could be that his medication needs further tweaking.
Backing up to last Wednesday, Josh met with a counselor at the Mental Health Center that has taken over his outpatient care. He was evaluated to determine the level of care he needed. It was decided that he would attend IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) five days a week, from 9AM till 3 PM. Now THAT's some Intensive care.
After Josh met with the counselor, Rob, I asked to speak to him and tried to impress on him the things Josh had been saying to me about pot usage and his belief that he isn't Bipolar and does not plan on staying on medications for more than 3-6 months.
Rob very nicely told me to stay out of it and let them do their job, that they would be addressing all of this with Josh during his IOP.
I called Rob this morning and left him a VM, "I know that you'd like me to 'stay out of it and let you do your job', but Josh's state is of great concern to me. I'd like to talk with you before IOP today and let you know what's going on with him."
Rob called me back and stated that he couldn't talk to me about Josh's condition, but he could listen to anything I felt he needed to know. On Wednesday, while Josh was in with Rob, I asked the desk clerk if the form that allowed the doctors to speak with me regarding Josh's care that Josh had signed upon admittance to the hospital had come over to them. She checked his records in the computer, asked if I was Melody and said that they had the form there. Rob couldn't find that form in Josh's chart so he was unable to GIVE me any information, but I gave him plenty.
He was very concerned and stated, "Well, maybe this isn't going to work after all, but let me spend the day with him and get a feel for what's going on, and I'll try to get him to sign another permission form today too. Also, I want you to know that my remarks to you last week were in no way meant to make you feel like your fears and concerns shouldn't be discussed with me. I merely wanted the frustration between you and Josh to be diminished where his medication and pot usage are concerned because that is something we will be working on with him. You call me anytime there is something you think I need to know because I'm not going to see the same Josh here that you are living with."
I'm not sure what Rob meant when he said, "Maybe this isn't going to work." Does he mean IOP isn't the answer for Josh? Does he feel that Josh needs to be hospitalized again?
I don't know and until they either locate the original permission form or get a new one signed, I'm unable to GET any information from them.
Sigh
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