The Struggles Begin

Josh had a paper due yesterday that he's known about for several weeks. He got ONE paragraph of it written after working on it all night. He didn't go to classes yesterday either.

So I talked to Josh last night about missing classes yesterday and not getting his paper finished. I told him, "First of all, I'm not mad at you, so don't get all defensive, I'm concerned. You have a golden opportunity here and I hate to think you're not gonna be able to take advantage of it."

He said the paper was impossible.

"OK, but the key here is that it was impossible for YOU. I doubt any other student saw the project as anything more than another paper, just like a zillion papers they've written before, right?"

"Yea."

"OK, so really think about this...why did it seem impossible to YOU?"

"I don't know Mom, I just couldn't even get past the very beginning. I did all the research and everything and I just couldn't pull it together, like my thoughts were a jumbled mess."

"OK, why do you think that happened? I mean, was it a function of having put it off till the last minute and the pressure you put yourself under caused you to not be able to form a coherent thought OR are your thoughts just jumbled? I know that with my work, I KNOW how to approach a certain job, I'm good at what I do and I step through a job very methodically; I do THIS, then I check THAT, etc. But if I'm under pressure, whether I've procrastinated or something unexpected has landed in my lap that I have to get done NOW, I can get all disorganized with it and I find myself attacking the job from all angles, and I can't seem to get myself to FOCUS and step thru it logically."

"Yea, it was kinda like that. Maybe I need to get back on my adderall?"

"Then you should make an appointment and go see the doctor, and maybe while you're there you could discuss a sleep aid with her. Do you feel depressed at all?"

"No."

"Well one thing to think about, and I know you don't want to believe you really have Bipolar, but you need to really consider that it's possible that the trouble you had with this paper could be the 'disordered thinking' that is part of Bipolar."

"I don't know how Bipolar could make me not be able to write a paper, it seems more likely it's my ADD. There are tons of people with Bipolar who can write a paper mom."

"Yep, tons of Bipolar people ON BIPOLAR MEDICATION can write a paper. But with Bipolar your brain doesn't process information properly and I think you owe it to yourself to really think about the possibility that the problem you had with this paper may NOT be ADD, but just a part of Bipolar. I know you wanna think you're not Bipolar, but things like this...this disordered thinking, are a part of it. If you think back to last fall semester, you had this same problem writing one of your fiction stories, something you used to be able to just sit down and pound out. I don't know Josh, if you want to REALLY be successful in school this year, you've got to take a hard look at what's happening and be willing to explore all the possibilities and do whatever it takes to make it better. Maybe see the doctor and try adderall, cause that will work IMMEDIATELY, if the problem is ADD, but if you find yourself still struggling, I think you need to consider a bipolar medication maybe."

He didn't make a decision, but I'm going to ask him to make an appointment with his doctor tomorrow. I've learned that *I* have to stay right on top of these things, cause he'll just let it slide and not address it. That's not gonna work, so I'm gonna have to push him to ACT.

Something I've been doing for the last year, with mixed results. The problem is he'll finally act after he's gotten himself SO FAR DOWN, I have to really keep pushing him to ACT NOW.

I did remind him that HE will have to repay the grant money if he fails a class, that I'M not going to repay it, the grant is in HIS name, they will look to HIM for repayment.

"Something else to consider is dropping all your classes now, before the grant funds, and getting a full time job and see what the next year or so brings in terms of this Bipolar stuff. You can go back to school at anytime."

"So you think I should drop out of school?!!!"

"No, *I* think you should address what's happening right now and realize you need help. Josh, something has shifted for you. In High School and your first year of college, you didn't have these issues and you can stay in denial and NOT look at the reality here, but if you're gonna be in denial, you might as well be there in a full time job MAKING money instead of at an institution of higher learning WASTING money."