Three months ago I offered to help Josh re-establish his life by supporting him in a studio apartment for six months. The original plan was for him to contribute to his support in increasing amounts during the six months, so that by the end of the six months, he would be able to completely support himself.
Here we are at the halfway point, and he's unemployed.
Not exactly what I had in mind. While you could look at this and say this experiment has been a dismal failure; it certainly hasn't played out according to plan, I would say that we're headed in the right direction.
Josh is in treatment; on medications and in weekly therapy. That alone is worth the money I've spent.
God has answered my prayers in bringing Josh to this point. I've prayed for lots of things over the last year or so, because Josh's situation isn't the only thing I've been struggling through, in fact, I can think of no other time in my life when I've had AS MUCH to deal with, and I feel strongly that if God is only going to answer ONE of my prayers, this is the ONE I'd want him to address.
And he has. I continue to ask God to walk with Josh and give him strength and guide him to true acceptance.
But lucky me! God has also answered several of my other prayers. He has helped ME in accepting the ending of my personal relationship and he's given me the strength to move forward with my life.
He's also answered my SECOND most important need. He has put a job opportunity in my path that will allow me to climb out of debt and continue to support Josh financially as long as necessary.
The relief *I* feel to have Josh in treatment AND my financial situation addressed is HUGE.
Josh considers himself to be agnostic, yet I have a deep faith in God. Even Josh said not too long ago, "I don't know Mom, you look around at the world, all the beauty and wonder, HOW our bodies are so intricate, how we reproduce. It's all so finely honed, it almost makes ME believe that a higher power must be at work."
I know that for me, sometimes the ONLY thing that helps when faced with a crisis, is my faith that there is a higher power at work in all of it. When I'm able to turn my problems over to God....things always seem to begin heading in a better direction.
I spent a lot of time early in Josh's diagnosis holding onto it all so tightly, afraid to let go and let God because I suppose I was angry. If God could LET THIS HAPPEN, how could I ever trust him to handle it?
Silly me.
Eventually, as the stresses in my life began piling up, I had no choice but to turn it ALL over to God. Certainly when basic functioning was becoming a problem for me, I realized that *I* was powerless over almost ALL of my concerns.
I sit here today with hope, something I haven't felt in a long time. While I know Josh may continue to struggle with acceptance, that he may give up the fight, I also know that no matter what happens, I'll get through it. With the help of my friends and family, and my faith.
You might find it interesting that I don't attend church. I was raised in the church, and have turned to the church sporadically as an adult, but I sit here on a Sunday morning blogging, not in a church pew. In spite of the fact that I don't 'worship', I feel I have a strong relationship with God.
My faith has been shaken this past year or so, and I've had to remind myself of the story of Job...that perhaps my faith was just being tested. I don't KNOW, I'm not able to enter into a deep philosophical discussion on the matter, I only know how I feel about my relationship with God.
Perhaps there IS no God and all my praying is received by no one. Maybe it only serves to calm me and bring me a new awareness of how I need to move through my challenges. Whatever is at play, it works.
I believe in God for the same reasons Josh expressed. SOMEONE much bigger than me created all of this, and while I believe that God gives us free will, I also believe that he guides our lives. He gives us challenges so that we can learn and grow. What I have learned this last year or so, will guide the remainder of my life...I can apply these lessons to all areas of my life.
Let's hope that Josh is able to find work soon. Not so that I can relinquish financial responsibility to him, but so that he can begin to rebuild his life.
Showing posts with label My Boyfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Boyfriend. Show all posts
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf
Originally posted on my private blog on May 24, 2010
I don't remember my parents reading to me when I was little. I'm not saying they didn't, in fact in a family album I have that belonged to my father, there are pictures of my sister sitting on his lap while he read her a book, so I'm sure they did read to us, I just have no memory of it.
And that makes me wonder (and I intend to ask the boys) if they remember ME reading to them, because I did. A lot. Jordan would sit on my lap for HOURS, literally HOURS, from a very young age, and listen to me read. Josh was more the type of kid who'd listen to two or three books and be done, but I read to him everyday, several times throughout the day.
Anyway, I don't remember being read to, but I remember my father telling me the story of the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. I can remember asking him, at bedtime, to tell me the story again. I must have heard it hundreds of times, and each time my heart would race when the Wolf really was after the little boy and he'd cry and cry for help, "Wolf! Wolf!", but no one would respond because he'd tricked them so many times by calling "Wolf!" when there really wasn't a Wolf after him.
This tale has many lessons in it, but the one that brought the tale to my mind earlier today is the lesson of abuse of trust. Somehow in my twisted little mind, it made me think of my boyfriend. He's like that little boy who keeps tricking the villagers and then is shocked when they don't respond as expected.
Sad.
He spent the evening texting me and ALL his texts were in regards to his feelings about the loss of his vacation plans. At one point he asked if we still couldn't go on vacation together, after all, there are two bedrooms in the condo. Then he commented, "We could have broke up after vacation you know."
It hurts beyond belief that a vacation seems to be a greater loss to him then losing our relationship. I can imagine how disappointed he is to have plans we've been making since January fall apart in this way at the last minute, but his immaturity and limitations are really showing when he A) can't for a second put himself in my place and realize that what I'm going thru with Josh trumps EVERYTHING, and B) can't take just a gander at his behavior that resulted in this turn of events.
I feel awful that all this fell apart as it did at the last minute, and on top of that I'm trying to cope with Josh, I'm consumed with doubts and fears.
Josh slept until noon Sunday and when he got up I talked with him about going to Florida with me. He was resistant, but as we talked I could tell he was coming around. "You know Josh, the other thing is that I don't really want to go to Florida alone. I'm sad about what's happened with my boyfriend and I and you and Jordan are the only people who really know everything that happened, I may need you there to talk to, to help me when the sadness gets to be too much."
"Don't play that card Mom."
"No really, can you imagine how hard it would be to be all alone and sad and have no one to talk to about it? You're so good at helping me remember why this is the best thing for me."
In the end he agreed to go to Florida with me, and he agreed to stay on 150 mg of medication until we got home.
He had to work from 2-5, and during the few hours we were together he was irritable, but generally OK.
He went to work and during the afternoon two of my neighbors 'stopped by'. They both expressed concern about Josh's outbursts yesterday and they both pointed out that Josh seems to be getting more and more volatile. I hadn't told my neighbors about Josh's diagnosis or his hospitalizations, but I shared with them the saga that began with Josh's depression and ended with him being diagnosed with Bipolar.
My neighbor across the street told me that his son (who is a year younger than Josh...Josh and he used to be best friends, but had a falling out four or five years ago) is Bipolar. "But he was never as volatile as Josh seems to be, and Melody, I don't want to intrude but as I've listened to his outbursts over the last month or so, I'm increasing concerned for your safety. I felt I needed to come over and talk to you and let you know that I'm here for you, Chuck next door is here for you. I know you're all alone here but I don't want you to feel alone, we're right here if you need us.
When Josh got home he was pretty upset. His boss had ignored his schedule request for vacation and wouldn't respond to his phone calls. Throughout the evening he got more and more upset, feeling like his boss purposely scheduled him knowing he wouldn't make his shifts and then he could fire him. (I'm quite sure Josh hasn't been a model employee over the last few months and his boss has had to cover Josh's schedule when he was hospitalized, so it's quite possible he's trying to force a situation). I have no idea how many times Josh called and texted him, and nothing I said could get him calmed down about the whole thing.
THEN, he got the blue screen of death on his computer when he was trying to get online to schedule classes for the fall, so that created more yelling and fuming.
And THEN he went to watch a movie that had come in the mail from Blockbuster and when he opened it, it was cracked in two.
He started yelling and carrying on and flew out of the house and left in his car.
When he finally returned, he was very agitated and began crying and had a meltdown about how pointless life is and how MUCH he doesn't want to be here anymore.
By this time it was 10 PM. I had 'suggested' at nine that he take his meds but he got angry and told me he'd take them when he wanted to. So I 'suggested' it again, and again he got mad at me.
"Well Josh, you promised to take your meds the way your supposed to from now until we get home from Florida."
"Fine, I'll take them, I'll do what you want."
I don't think he ever took them though. He went to his room, I shut the house up for the night and turned out the lights and went to bed.
At 11 I heard him leave. I knew he was going to get his friend, Issac (who is really no friend to Josh. He has no job, no car. His girlfriend is still in High School and so when she has to go to bed for the night, he'll call Josh to come get him and then Josh has to drive him home....usually at 2 or 3 in the morning). I called him, "Are you going to get Issac?"
"Yes"
"Josh, I'm trying to sleep, I have to work tomorrow and YOU shouldn't be driving if you've taken your medication."
"Mom, we're just going to quietly hang out in my room and you don't need to worry about me or my driving or my medication! Do you want me to just drive this car into a tree?! Cause if you don't shut the f@*k up, that's what I'm gonna do!"
Yes, the animals are running this Zoo!
I woke up at 1:30, Josh was coming in from taking Issac home. I have no idea if he took his medication, but if he'd taken it at 10, he'd have been sawing logs by midnight.
Here's my dilemma. I really feel that IF Josh would take his medication as he should for the next few days, by the time we leave for Florida he will be manageable. Being away for 11 days ON his medication will be good for him. So I'm trying to cut him a wide berth here to get him to Florida with me. BUT, if he's NOT going to take his medication as he should until we go, or if he mixes it with pot and alcohol, he's not going to be in a good state of mind when it's time to go and there's no way I can take him in a car for a two day drive if he's in a volatile state.
Everyone has an opinion and half the people tell me I should just go without him if he's not in a good frame of mind at the time. They think I should just leave him here and whatever havoc is created as a result may be enough havoc to create a 'bottom' for Josh.
Other's, like my neighbor who has a Bipolar young adult, feel there is no way Josh should be left up to his own devices, that the ramifications of such a thing are too great, that the seriousness of this situation is dire.
And me? I've been awake since 1:30. Unable to sleep, eaten up with fear, wallowing in pain and sorrow.
Josh will more than likely sleep well past noon today, he was up so late, which means tonight he'll be up even later and sleep later tomorrow, so I predict that he won't sleep at all tomorrow night and by Tuesday he will be right back where he was Saturday. And if you ask my neighbors, they'll tell you that wasn't a very good place.
I told my sister (who unfortunately lives out of state or she'd come and stay with him while I'm on vacation) that it seems there should be a place where you could 'send' this kid where he could live for a month under constant care, with ongoing therapy. However, if such a place existed, it would cost more money than I have and in the end, my kid would probably come out stabilized and quickly mess it all up anyway.
She feels that, just like with my boyfriend, the time will come when I'm DONE with Josh too and setting him out on his own won't feel like such a horrible thing to me.
The ONLY thing I know to do right now today that MIGHT help is to call the therapist at the IOP and ask for his advice. And to go to the Bipolar Support Group meeting tonight.
Projecting forward, I see no way that Josh will be in a frame of mind where I'll feel safe taking him to Florida and I see no way, that in my heart I can go and leave him here on his own. If only he would go to his Father's while I'm gone, cause I NEED to get away from all this for awhile, but I can't go if I'm not comfortable that he's being cared for.
Sorry for the long, rambling post. When I started it at 5 AM I had no idea it would go to where it's gone. Anyway, cut me some slack, I'm operating on less than three hours sleep.
I don't remember my parents reading to me when I was little. I'm not saying they didn't, in fact in a family album I have that belonged to my father, there are pictures of my sister sitting on his lap while he read her a book, so I'm sure they did read to us, I just have no memory of it.
And that makes me wonder (and I intend to ask the boys) if they remember ME reading to them, because I did. A lot. Jordan would sit on my lap for HOURS, literally HOURS, from a very young age, and listen to me read. Josh was more the type of kid who'd listen to two or three books and be done, but I read to him everyday, several times throughout the day.
Anyway, I don't remember being read to, but I remember my father telling me the story of the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. I can remember asking him, at bedtime, to tell me the story again. I must have heard it hundreds of times, and each time my heart would race when the Wolf really was after the little boy and he'd cry and cry for help, "Wolf! Wolf!", but no one would respond because he'd tricked them so many times by calling "Wolf!" when there really wasn't a Wolf after him.
This tale has many lessons in it, but the one that brought the tale to my mind earlier today is the lesson of abuse of trust. Somehow in my twisted little mind, it made me think of my boyfriend. He's like that little boy who keeps tricking the villagers and then is shocked when they don't respond as expected.
Sad.
He spent the evening texting me and ALL his texts were in regards to his feelings about the loss of his vacation plans. At one point he asked if we still couldn't go on vacation together, after all, there are two bedrooms in the condo. Then he commented, "We could have broke up after vacation you know."
It hurts beyond belief that a vacation seems to be a greater loss to him then losing our relationship. I can imagine how disappointed he is to have plans we've been making since January fall apart in this way at the last minute, but his immaturity and limitations are really showing when he A) can't for a second put himself in my place and realize that what I'm going thru with Josh trumps EVERYTHING, and B) can't take just a gander at his behavior that resulted in this turn of events.
I feel awful that all this fell apart as it did at the last minute, and on top of that I'm trying to cope with Josh, I'm consumed with doubts and fears.
Josh slept until noon Sunday and when he got up I talked with him about going to Florida with me. He was resistant, but as we talked I could tell he was coming around. "You know Josh, the other thing is that I don't really want to go to Florida alone. I'm sad about what's happened with my boyfriend and I and you and Jordan are the only people who really know everything that happened, I may need you there to talk to, to help me when the sadness gets to be too much."
"Don't play that card Mom."
"No really, can you imagine how hard it would be to be all alone and sad and have no one to talk to about it? You're so good at helping me remember why this is the best thing for me."
In the end he agreed to go to Florida with me, and he agreed to stay on 150 mg of medication until we got home.
He had to work from 2-5, and during the few hours we were together he was irritable, but generally OK.
He went to work and during the afternoon two of my neighbors 'stopped by'. They both expressed concern about Josh's outbursts yesterday and they both pointed out that Josh seems to be getting more and more volatile. I hadn't told my neighbors about Josh's diagnosis or his hospitalizations, but I shared with them the saga that began with Josh's depression and ended with him being diagnosed with Bipolar.
My neighbor across the street told me that his son (who is a year younger than Josh...Josh and he used to be best friends, but had a falling out four or five years ago) is Bipolar. "But he was never as volatile as Josh seems to be, and Melody, I don't want to intrude but as I've listened to his outbursts over the last month or so, I'm increasing concerned for your safety. I felt I needed to come over and talk to you and let you know that I'm here for you, Chuck next door is here for you. I know you're all alone here but I don't want you to feel alone, we're right here if you need us.
When Josh got home he was pretty upset. His boss had ignored his schedule request for vacation and wouldn't respond to his phone calls. Throughout the evening he got more and more upset, feeling like his boss purposely scheduled him knowing he wouldn't make his shifts and then he could fire him. (I'm quite sure Josh hasn't been a model employee over the last few months and his boss has had to cover Josh's schedule when he was hospitalized, so it's quite possible he's trying to force a situation). I have no idea how many times Josh called and texted him, and nothing I said could get him calmed down about the whole thing.
THEN, he got the blue screen of death on his computer when he was trying to get online to schedule classes for the fall, so that created more yelling and fuming.
And THEN he went to watch a movie that had come in the mail from Blockbuster and when he opened it, it was cracked in two.
He started yelling and carrying on and flew out of the house and left in his car.
When he finally returned, he was very agitated and began crying and had a meltdown about how pointless life is and how MUCH he doesn't want to be here anymore.
By this time it was 10 PM. I had 'suggested' at nine that he take his meds but he got angry and told me he'd take them when he wanted to. So I 'suggested' it again, and again he got mad at me.
"Well Josh, you promised to take your meds the way your supposed to from now until we get home from Florida."
"Fine, I'll take them, I'll do what you want."
I don't think he ever took them though. He went to his room, I shut the house up for the night and turned out the lights and went to bed.
At 11 I heard him leave. I knew he was going to get his friend, Issac (who is really no friend to Josh. He has no job, no car. His girlfriend is still in High School and so when she has to go to bed for the night, he'll call Josh to come get him and then Josh has to drive him home....usually at 2 or 3 in the morning). I called him, "Are you going to get Issac?"
"Yes"
"Josh, I'm trying to sleep, I have to work tomorrow and YOU shouldn't be driving if you've taken your medication."
"Mom, we're just going to quietly hang out in my room and you don't need to worry about me or my driving or my medication! Do you want me to just drive this car into a tree?! Cause if you don't shut the f@*k up, that's what I'm gonna do!"
Yes, the animals are running this Zoo!
I woke up at 1:30, Josh was coming in from taking Issac home. I have no idea if he took his medication, but if he'd taken it at 10, he'd have been sawing logs by midnight.
Here's my dilemma. I really feel that IF Josh would take his medication as he should for the next few days, by the time we leave for Florida he will be manageable. Being away for 11 days ON his medication will be good for him. So I'm trying to cut him a wide berth here to get him to Florida with me. BUT, if he's NOT going to take his medication as he should until we go, or if he mixes it with pot and alcohol, he's not going to be in a good state of mind when it's time to go and there's no way I can take him in a car for a two day drive if he's in a volatile state.
Everyone has an opinion and half the people tell me I should just go without him if he's not in a good frame of mind at the time. They think I should just leave him here and whatever havoc is created as a result may be enough havoc to create a 'bottom' for Josh.
Other's, like my neighbor who has a Bipolar young adult, feel there is no way Josh should be left up to his own devices, that the ramifications of such a thing are too great, that the seriousness of this situation is dire.
And me? I've been awake since 1:30. Unable to sleep, eaten up with fear, wallowing in pain and sorrow.
Josh will more than likely sleep well past noon today, he was up so late, which means tonight he'll be up even later and sleep later tomorrow, so I predict that he won't sleep at all tomorrow night and by Tuesday he will be right back where he was Saturday. And if you ask my neighbors, they'll tell you that wasn't a very good place.
I told my sister (who unfortunately lives out of state or she'd come and stay with him while I'm on vacation) that it seems there should be a place where you could 'send' this kid where he could live for a month under constant care, with ongoing therapy. However, if such a place existed, it would cost more money than I have and in the end, my kid would probably come out stabilized and quickly mess it all up anyway.
She feels that, just like with my boyfriend, the time will come when I'm DONE with Josh too and setting him out on his own won't feel like such a horrible thing to me.
The ONLY thing I know to do right now today that MIGHT help is to call the therapist at the IOP and ask for his advice. And to go to the Bipolar Support Group meeting tonight.
Projecting forward, I see no way that Josh will be in a frame of mind where I'll feel safe taking him to Florida and I see no way, that in my heart I can go and leave him here on his own. If only he would go to his Father's while I'm gone, cause I NEED to get away from all this for awhile, but I can't go if I'm not comfortable that he's being cared for.
Sorry for the long, rambling post. When I started it at 5 AM I had no idea it would go to where it's gone. Anyway, cut me some slack, I'm operating on less than three hours sleep.
And The Adventure Continues
Originally posted on my private blog on May 23, 2010
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
Too Many Freakin' T-shirts!
Originally posted on my private blog on May 20, 2010
I haven't been able to post an update for some time because things around here change almost by the minute.
Josh is fine, almost normal, one minute, and in the next minute he's screaming, "F@*k you!" to me and running around the back yard beating the ground with a baseball bat.
Don't ask.
He is quite unhappy at the moment. He doesn't believe he is Bipolar, he HATES the way his medication makes him feel and he thinks his IOP is a huge waste of time and money.
So, he's decided to decrease his medication from 200 mg to 150. At 100 mg he was still all over the place mood wise, but at 200 he says he physically feels awful and his ability to control his anger and stress is worse. He's going to TRY 150 mg, but if he isn't happy with that dosage, he is going to step himself off the medication and use pot in limited amounts to help calm him and help him sleep at night.
He is no longer going to the mental health center and doesn't feel like he needs ongoing therapy.
While all of that sounds pretty terrible, there are parts of it that may not be as bad as they seem.
I attended a support group Monday night that is presented by the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). It was an interesting and informative evening.
One couple in our group has a 17 year old daughter who is Bipolar. Her mother told me that a year and a half ago her daughter chose to stop taking her meds. She smokes a limited amount of pot each evening to help her sleep and she has done well without meds.
"Honestly, I've heard this time and again over the years, pot seems to be a magic bullet for some people with Bipolar, as long as they limit the quantity. I hate to say it, but I wish they'd legalize it."
A book I read on the subject of Bipolar stresses the importance of medications but points out that there are people who are misdiagnosed and also people who have one depressive and manic episode and NEVER have another one. There are no statistics for these situations though.
So, maybe Josh is right and he doesn't have Bipolar (although after reading that book, I'm more convinced than ever that he is) OR, he has Bipolar, but perhaps he can manage his moods by using pot in modest quantities.
In the end, none of this is MY decision, he has to be responsible for his condition and he has to choose how to manage it. The only thing I've said to him is that I'm OK with whatever he chooses to do, as long as it manages his mood. I'm not willing to live like we've been living; highs and lows, screaming and yelling. If he goes off his medication and has problems, he'll need to reconsider his options.
My heart goes out to him and I pray that he'll be able to manage his moods without medication, but if he can't, well, more wild days ahead for us.
I am leaving in one week on vacation and while I had considered taking Josh with me, I've nixed that idea. He is so volatile, and all his anger is directed towards me. I need to get away; get renewed and refreshed, and I think he needs to get away from me too. His father has agreed to check up on him everyday and Josh has agreed to go visit his dad every other day while I'm gone. Because he's adjusting his medication, I have no idea what he will be like, but he's agreed to hold his dosage at 150 mg until I return. If he's going to step off of it, he'll wait until I'm home to do it.
And then there's my boyfriend. We are to take this vacation together in one week, and to be completely honest, our relationship is not turning out to be all I'd hoped for.
If we do go on vacation together, I can't imagine our relationship lasting much beyond that, which is very sad.
Thank you faithful readers. So many of you have emailed me or commented about your concern for Josh and me and that means so much to me.
This situation with Josh has been the most difficult thing I've ever faced, but I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, like my blogging buddies, it makes everything a bit easier.
I haven't been able to post an update for some time because things around here change almost by the minute.
Josh is fine, almost normal, one minute, and in the next minute he's screaming, "F@*k you!" to me and running around the back yard beating the ground with a baseball bat.
Don't ask.
He is quite unhappy at the moment. He doesn't believe he is Bipolar, he HATES the way his medication makes him feel and he thinks his IOP is a huge waste of time and money.
So, he's decided to decrease his medication from 200 mg to 150. At 100 mg he was still all over the place mood wise, but at 200 he says he physically feels awful and his ability to control his anger and stress is worse. He's going to TRY 150 mg, but if he isn't happy with that dosage, he is going to step himself off the medication and use pot in limited amounts to help calm him and help him sleep at night.
He is no longer going to the mental health center and doesn't feel like he needs ongoing therapy.
While all of that sounds pretty terrible, there are parts of it that may not be as bad as they seem.
I attended a support group Monday night that is presented by the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). It was an interesting and informative evening.
One couple in our group has a 17 year old daughter who is Bipolar. Her mother told me that a year and a half ago her daughter chose to stop taking her meds. She smokes a limited amount of pot each evening to help her sleep and she has done well without meds.
"Honestly, I've heard this time and again over the years, pot seems to be a magic bullet for some people with Bipolar, as long as they limit the quantity. I hate to say it, but I wish they'd legalize it."
A book I read on the subject of Bipolar stresses the importance of medications but points out that there are people who are misdiagnosed and also people who have one depressive and manic episode and NEVER have another one. There are no statistics for these situations though.
So, maybe Josh is right and he doesn't have Bipolar (although after reading that book, I'm more convinced than ever that he is) OR, he has Bipolar, but perhaps he can manage his moods by using pot in modest quantities.
In the end, none of this is MY decision, he has to be responsible for his condition and he has to choose how to manage it. The only thing I've said to him is that I'm OK with whatever he chooses to do, as long as it manages his mood. I'm not willing to live like we've been living; highs and lows, screaming and yelling. If he goes off his medication and has problems, he'll need to reconsider his options.
My heart goes out to him and I pray that he'll be able to manage his moods without medication, but if he can't, well, more wild days ahead for us.
I am leaving in one week on vacation and while I had considered taking Josh with me, I've nixed that idea. He is so volatile, and all his anger is directed towards me. I need to get away; get renewed and refreshed, and I think he needs to get away from me too. His father has agreed to check up on him everyday and Josh has agreed to go visit his dad every other day while I'm gone. Because he's adjusting his medication, I have no idea what he will be like, but he's agreed to hold his dosage at 150 mg until I return. If he's going to step off of it, he'll wait until I'm home to do it.
And then there's my boyfriend. We are to take this vacation together in one week, and to be completely honest, our relationship is not turning out to be all I'd hoped for.
If we do go on vacation together, I can't imagine our relationship lasting much beyond that, which is very sad.
Thank you faithful readers. So many of you have emailed me or commented about your concern for Josh and me and that means so much to me.
This situation with Josh has been the most difficult thing I've ever faced, but I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, like my blogging buddies, it makes everything a bit easier.
All Josh, All The Time
Originally Posted to my Private Blog On May 10, 2010
Sorry for the lack of updates since Josh came home from the hospital, but things have been very difficult.
He came home last Tuesday and was still very manic...not 'crazy'...just very 'up'; very talkative, racing thoughts, etc.
Everyday since he came home his condition has deteriorated, to the point that last night I was afraid to be with him.
It is very hard to describe what I have been experiencing with him. I've spent HOURS just sitting and listening to him talk, and each day the conversation has gotten more alarming.
As an example of how his mind is processing information, I'll tell you a little tale, but there are probably a hundred such tales I could relay to you that are as disturbing as this one is:
Josh took his extended wear lenses out Saturday morning because he had developed an infection in his LEFT eye.
Last night, as he was raging at me about many, many different things (pacing back and forth at the end of my bed screaming and pounding his fist on the bed and the dresser for emphasis) he started talking about the medication he was taking and all the things he didn't like about it; how it makes him FEEL inside and how he can't possibly live with this FEELING the rest of his life. And then he said, "This medicine is slowly killing the LEFT side of my brain while it builds up the RIGHT side, and if you don't believe that MOM, look at my LEFT eye, that's the dead brain cells coming out of my eye."
Jordan, his girlfriend and my boyfriend came for Mother's Day dinner last night. None of them have seen Josh since he's been home. They were all three appalled by his condition, and I have to say that with the extra activity in the house, Josh was probably 50% BETTER than normal.
After Jordan and his girlfriend left, my boyfriend said that he thought he'd go home too, that he didn't feel like he could handle being there with Josh in that condition.
That kind of disappointed me. I have been there beside him through some pretty difficult stuff. It wasn't COMFORTABLE for me, but I did it because I care about him. I am here ALL ALONE with Josh. I'm scared to death about his condition, about my safety, about HIS safety, and it was a bit hard to swallow that my boyfriend wasn't able to stay with me last night.
On the other hand, he's never had children and so he feels very out of his element with all this (uh huh, join the club!). In addition to that, Josh is NOT himself, by any stretch of the imagination. He is being HORRIBLE to me. My boyfriend saw enough of that last night (although NOT to the degree Josh goes to when we're alone together) and it is hard for him to watch me being treated that way.
On the phone last night he said, "Melody, you've never seen me angry, but if I had stayed I probably wouldn't have been able to continue to watch him treat you that way and I'm sure he and I would have gotten into a pretty good argument about it. Basically, you'd have had two crazy acting people to deal with."
Since Josh came home, he has argued with me regularly about his ability to still smoke pot on occasion, that it actually 'helps' him. So, according to him, he has smoked a small amount of pot twice. He also drank a beer "to detox his system before they drug tested him at IOP Monday morning." Clearly his mind is not working properly and nothing *I* say can deter him from doing these things that I know are counterproductive.
His deterioration may be largely due to him self medicating, or it could be that his medication needs further tweaking.
Backing up to last Wednesday, Josh met with a counselor at the Mental Health Center that has taken over his outpatient care. He was evaluated to determine the level of care he needed. It was decided that he would attend IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) five days a week, from 9AM till 3 PM. Now THAT's some Intensive care.
After Josh met with the counselor, Rob, I asked to speak to him and tried to impress on him the things Josh had been saying to me about pot usage and his belief that he isn't Bipolar and does not plan on staying on medications for more than 3-6 months.
Rob very nicely told me to stay out of it and let them do their job, that they would be addressing all of this with Josh during his IOP.
I called Rob this morning and left him a VM, "I know that you'd like me to 'stay out of it and let you do your job', but Josh's state is of great concern to me. I'd like to talk with you before IOP today and let you know what's going on with him."
Rob called me back and stated that he couldn't talk to me about Josh's condition, but he could listen to anything I felt he needed to know. On Wednesday, while Josh was in with Rob, I asked the desk clerk if the form that allowed the doctors to speak with me regarding Josh's care that Josh had signed upon admittance to the hospital had come over to them. She checked his records in the computer, asked if I was Melody and said that they had the form there. Rob couldn't find that form in Josh's chart so he was unable to GIVE me any information, but I gave him plenty.
He was very concerned and stated, "Well, maybe this isn't going to work after all, but let me spend the day with him and get a feel for what's going on, and I'll try to get him to sign another permission form today too. Also, I want you to know that my remarks to you last week were in no way meant to make you feel like your fears and concerns shouldn't be discussed with me. I merely wanted the frustration between you and Josh to be diminished where his medication and pot usage are concerned because that is something we will be working on with him. You call me anytime there is something you think I need to know because I'm not going to see the same Josh here that you are living with."
I'm not sure what Rob meant when he said, "Maybe this isn't going to work." Does he mean IOP isn't the answer for Josh? Does he feel that Josh needs to be hospitalized again?
I don't know and until they either locate the original permission form or get a new one signed, I'm unable to GET any information from them.
Sigh
Sorry for the lack of updates since Josh came home from the hospital, but things have been very difficult.
He came home last Tuesday and was still very manic...not 'crazy'...just very 'up'; very talkative, racing thoughts, etc.
Everyday since he came home his condition has deteriorated, to the point that last night I was afraid to be with him.
It is very hard to describe what I have been experiencing with him. I've spent HOURS just sitting and listening to him talk, and each day the conversation has gotten more alarming.
As an example of how his mind is processing information, I'll tell you a little tale, but there are probably a hundred such tales I could relay to you that are as disturbing as this one is:
Josh took his extended wear lenses out Saturday morning because he had developed an infection in his LEFT eye.
Last night, as he was raging at me about many, many different things (pacing back and forth at the end of my bed screaming and pounding his fist on the bed and the dresser for emphasis) he started talking about the medication he was taking and all the things he didn't like about it; how it makes him FEEL inside and how he can't possibly live with this FEELING the rest of his life. And then he said, "This medicine is slowly killing the LEFT side of my brain while it builds up the RIGHT side, and if you don't believe that MOM, look at my LEFT eye, that's the dead brain cells coming out of my eye."
Jordan, his girlfriend and my boyfriend came for Mother's Day dinner last night. None of them have seen Josh since he's been home. They were all three appalled by his condition, and I have to say that with the extra activity in the house, Josh was probably 50% BETTER than normal.
After Jordan and his girlfriend left, my boyfriend said that he thought he'd go home too, that he didn't feel like he could handle being there with Josh in that condition.
That kind of disappointed me. I have been there beside him through some pretty difficult stuff. It wasn't COMFORTABLE for me, but I did it because I care about him. I am here ALL ALONE with Josh. I'm scared to death about his condition, about my safety, about HIS safety, and it was a bit hard to swallow that my boyfriend wasn't able to stay with me last night.
On the other hand, he's never had children and so he feels very out of his element with all this (uh huh, join the club!). In addition to that, Josh is NOT himself, by any stretch of the imagination. He is being HORRIBLE to me. My boyfriend saw enough of that last night (although NOT to the degree Josh goes to when we're alone together) and it is hard for him to watch me being treated that way.
On the phone last night he said, "Melody, you've never seen me angry, but if I had stayed I probably wouldn't have been able to continue to watch him treat you that way and I'm sure he and I would have gotten into a pretty good argument about it. Basically, you'd have had two crazy acting people to deal with."
Since Josh came home, he has argued with me regularly about his ability to still smoke pot on occasion, that it actually 'helps' him. So, according to him, he has smoked a small amount of pot twice. He also drank a beer "to detox his system before they drug tested him at IOP Monday morning." Clearly his mind is not working properly and nothing *I* say can deter him from doing these things that I know are counterproductive.
His deterioration may be largely due to him self medicating, or it could be that his medication needs further tweaking.
Backing up to last Wednesday, Josh met with a counselor at the Mental Health Center that has taken over his outpatient care. He was evaluated to determine the level of care he needed. It was decided that he would attend IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) five days a week, from 9AM till 3 PM. Now THAT's some Intensive care.
After Josh met with the counselor, Rob, I asked to speak to him and tried to impress on him the things Josh had been saying to me about pot usage and his belief that he isn't Bipolar and does not plan on staying on medications for more than 3-6 months.
Rob very nicely told me to stay out of it and let them do their job, that they would be addressing all of this with Josh during his IOP.
I called Rob this morning and left him a VM, "I know that you'd like me to 'stay out of it and let you do your job', but Josh's state is of great concern to me. I'd like to talk with you before IOP today and let you know what's going on with him."
Rob called me back and stated that he couldn't talk to me about Josh's condition, but he could listen to anything I felt he needed to know. On Wednesday, while Josh was in with Rob, I asked the desk clerk if the form that allowed the doctors to speak with me regarding Josh's care that Josh had signed upon admittance to the hospital had come over to them. She checked his records in the computer, asked if I was Melody and said that they had the form there. Rob couldn't find that form in Josh's chart so he was unable to GIVE me any information, but I gave him plenty.
He was very concerned and stated, "Well, maybe this isn't going to work after all, but let me spend the day with him and get a feel for what's going on, and I'll try to get him to sign another permission form today too. Also, I want you to know that my remarks to you last week were in no way meant to make you feel like your fears and concerns shouldn't be discussed with me. I merely wanted the frustration between you and Josh to be diminished where his medication and pot usage are concerned because that is something we will be working on with him. You call me anytime there is something you think I need to know because I'm not going to see the same Josh here that you are living with."
I'm not sure what Rob meant when he said, "Maybe this isn't going to work." Does he mean IOP isn't the answer for Josh? Does he feel that Josh needs to be hospitalized again?
I don't know and until they either locate the original permission form or get a new one signed, I'm unable to GET any information from them.
Sigh
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