The Halfway Point

Three months ago I offered to help Josh re-establish his life by supporting him in a studio apartment for six months.  The original plan was for him to contribute to his support in increasing amounts during the six months, so that by the end of the six months, he would be able to completely support himself.

Here we are at the halfway point, and he's unemployed.

Not exactly what I had in mind.  While you could look at this and say this experiment has been a dismal failure; it certainly hasn't played out according to plan, I would say that we're headed in the right direction.

Josh is in treatment; on medications and in weekly therapy.  That alone is worth the money I've spent.

God has answered my prayers in bringing Josh to this point.  I've prayed for lots of things over the last year or so, because Josh's situation isn't the only thing I've been struggling through, in fact, I can think of no other time in my life when I've had AS MUCH to deal with, and I feel strongly that if God is only going to answer ONE of my prayers, this is the ONE I'd want him to address.

And he has.  I continue to ask God to walk with Josh and give him strength and guide him to true acceptance.

But lucky me!  God has also answered several of my other prayers.  He has helped ME in accepting the ending of my personal relationship and he's given me the strength to move forward with my life.

He's also answered my SECOND most important need.  He has put a job opportunity in my path that will allow me to climb out of debt and continue to support Josh financially as long as necessary. 

The relief *I* feel to have Josh in treatment AND my financial situation addressed is HUGE.

Josh considers himself to be agnostic, yet I have a deep faith in God.  Even Josh said not too long ago, "I don't know Mom, you look around at the world, all the beauty and wonder, HOW our bodies are so intricate, how we reproduce.  It's all so finely honed, it almost makes ME believe that a higher power must be at work."

I know that for me, sometimes the ONLY thing that helps when faced with a crisis, is my faith that there is a higher power at work in all of it.  When I'm able to turn my problems over to God....things always seem to begin heading in a better direction.

I spent a lot of time early in Josh's diagnosis holding onto it all so tightly, afraid to let go and let God because I suppose I was angry.  If God could LET THIS HAPPEN, how could I ever trust him to handle it? 

Silly me. 

Eventually, as the stresses in my life began piling up, I had no choice but to turn it ALL over to God.  Certainly when basic functioning was becoming a problem for me, I realized that *I* was powerless over almost ALL of my concerns.

I sit here today with hope, something I haven't felt in a long time.  While I know Josh may continue to struggle with acceptance, that he may give up the fight, I also know that no matter what happens, I'll get through it.  With the help of my friends and family, and my faith.

You might find it interesting that I don't attend church.  I was raised in the church, and have turned to the church sporadically as an adult, but I sit here on a Sunday morning blogging, not in a church pew.  In spite of the fact that I don't 'worship', I feel I have a strong relationship with God. 

My faith has been shaken this past year or so, and I've had to remind myself of the story of Job...that perhaps my faith was just being tested.  I don't KNOW, I'm not able to enter into a deep philosophical discussion on the matter, I only know how I feel about my relationship with God.

Perhaps there IS no God and all my praying is received by no one.  Maybe it only serves to calm me and bring me a new awareness of how I need to move through my challenges.  Whatever is at play, it works.

I believe in God for the same reasons Josh expressed.  SOMEONE much bigger than me created all of this, and while I believe that God gives us free will, I also believe that he guides our lives.  He gives us challenges so that we can learn and grow.  What I have learned this last year or so, will guide the remainder of my life...I can apply these lessons to all areas of my life.

Let's hope that Josh is able to find work soon.  Not so that I can relinquish financial responsibility to him, but so that he can begin to rebuild his life.