It's Never Easy

Josh's continued unemployment concerns me, for two reasons.  One I think a job would help him get on a much needed schedule; add some structure to his life, plus he's bored and lonely, so it would help with that.  And of course secondly, I'd like him to begin supporting himself.  It is a financial burden to be totally supporting him right now.

He can't seem to get his sleep turned round.  He sleeps all day, until 4 or 5 PM.  He needs to be up during daytime hours so he can actually look for a job!

In addition to that concern, I'm concerned in general.  He still doesn't really WANT to believe he's bipolar and the things he's said make me realize that he isn't looking at medication as a long term thing.  He'd love to not be taking them.

So I called his therapist yesterday to voice my concerns.  Josh has never signed a release form so that I can communicate with his new doctors, so I knew that I would only be able to give information to his therapist; his therapist wouldn't be able to give me any information.

I told his therapist of my concerns, that I'm totally supporting Josh, what our arrangement is, and that I'm frustrated that Josh's sleep schedule is such that it doesn't help with the job search.  I told him that I never know how hard to push Josh, not wanting to create anxiety or stress for him, but also not knowing which side of that fine line between enabling and helping I'm walking on.  I told him Josh still doesn't really accept the diagnosis and isn't thrilled being on meds.

He asked me, "Do you believe Josh is Bipolar?"

"Yes.  It breaks my heart, but I've learned enough about it to be pretty sure he's gotten the right diagnosis.  I can't find anything else that explains what happened to his life.  He was my easy child, and while he'd tell you he's never been happy, I would tell you that through his high school years, he was an easy going, fun loving, responsible...great kid.  And then it all went south, his life got totally derailed.  But he doesn't accept this diagnosis yet and he told me the other day he wants to move to his dad's property eventually and stop taking his meds so he can be HIM again."

I got pretty emotional as I talked, I'm sure the guy probably thinks I'm either A) a very loving and concerned mother or B) a complete and total nut case.

Either way, he said, "Well, this is very helpful information to have.  Actually, I see Josh tomorrow and I'm going to tell him I've talked to you and ask him to sign a release form because I think having you involved could help the process along."

"Well, Josh is coming for dinner tonight and I'll tell him I talked to you too, but he may be resistant to signing a form.  He might even be mad I called you, but you know, I'm SO glad he's in treatment, but I still see his mood shifting around and in general I worry about him."

"Well, I'm worried about him too, actually very concerned."

"Are you afraid he's suicidal?"

"He says he's not, but....and I can't say too much here, but I'm very concerned about his hopelessness, I've actually called him several times just to check on him."

"Yes, he doesn't see how anything good is in his future, his negativity is a real problem."

"Yes.....but that's about all I can say right now."

"Well, I've considered coming down a bit harder on him, pushing him to get his sleep turned around and work harder at getting a job.  But like everything else with this disorder, I never know HOW to handle any of this."

"Right now, I think pushing him at all would not be a good idea.  We're at the beginning of this stuff and I think we need to work on where his head is at right now and I don't think he can handle much stress right now."

"OK.  And see, that's the kind of help *I* need with this.  I'm like a fish out of water, I never know the best thing to do."

We ended our conversation and I thought about how I would even tell Josh that I'd talked to his therapist.  I knew there was a good chance he'd be angry.  I have at least gotten better at gauging his mood and knowing when to try to talk to him about things.  I hoped his mood when I saw him would allow us to talk about this.

When Josh came for dinner, it seemed initially that he was not in a great mood.  He'd brought laundry with him to do and was trying to carry it in and my new puppy was all over him.  She loves him.  When I say, "Josh is coming to see you later!" she walks over to the front door expecting him to BE THERE.

As a side note, the happiest I see Josh lately is when he's with my two dogs.  The older dog always loved him, then during the time leading up to his mania, he would get so angry and yell, etc, and it scared our dog.  THEN when he came home from the hospital, the seroquel he was on caused terrible rages, and those rages REALLY scared our dog.  She remained frightened of him for most of the last year, not quite sure about him anymore.  Happily, their relationship has improved since Josh moved out.  He is so happy to see her, she can't help but realize that he's safe to love again.

But anyway, when he came in last night he seemed a bit frustrated, but he quickly began laughing and smiling again as he played with the dogs and talked to me.  At one point, there was a natural segue for me when he was talking about his therapist.

"Yea, I actually talked to him today on the phone."

"Why?!!"

"Well, I'm concerned about you honey and mostly I wanted to get some guidance from him."

"You worry too much!  Why can't you just stop worrying and let me live my life?"

"Well, part of it is that I'm totally FUNDING your life right now Josh, and your sleep schedule isn't conducive to really finding a job, but mostly, I don't really know what you're capable of doing right now.  I thought he could help me with that.  I'm trying to HELP you and I don't want to be doing things that might not be helping.  He's going to ask you to sign a release tomorrow so that he and I can talk, NOT about personal things, but so that, in general, he can guide me to help you better."

"Well, I'm not signing a release form, and Mom, you're doing all you can right now.  Like this, just having me over or dinner or when we go to the movies.  Those are the things you do that help me, the rest I've just got to figure out."

"OK, well, that's your choice, but try to look at it from my perspective.  I'm PAYING for all your visits and if it would HELP the process, why wouldn't you allow me to talk to him?"

"Because I like him mom.  He's the first therapist I've had that I actually like, and that's important, and I don't want you telling him lies and interfering.  Because if you get involved, I'll have to be looking for a new therapist again."

Josh feels like when he and I saw his therapist, Peter, during the time right after his suicidal period, leading up to his mania, that I 'lied' to Peter.  Actually, I sat there with the two of them and was HONEST about Josh's behavior.  His refusal to help with chores, get out of bed for class, his disrespect towards me etc.  We were trying to slowly get him to take responsibility for himself, and he's STILL struggling with many of those same issues.  But he views all that as me lying to his therapist.

But I understand Josh's position....to a point.  His relationship with his therapist is vital and I DON'T want to do anything to change that.  I think more than anything Josh felt like it was Peter and I AGAINST him, when in fact we were both trying to help.  The way he views what happened with Peter is WRONG, but it's his perception and so I have to keep that in mind.

Throughout the night, Josh would bring up the subject of signing a release.  "How do you think it would help?"

"Well Josh, sometimes I don't KNOW what to do, but more important I don't know what NOT to do.  He could help me with that."

Even though we talked about it a lot all night, Josh never really changed his mind.

So I'm going to leave a message for his therapist to call me today before he sees Josh tonight and tell him that Josh didn't seem willing to have me get involved and that I'd rather the therapist not push it too hard right now.  But I need to tell him that in dealing with Josh, the one thing he needs to know is that while Josh was doing very well up to the time his Bipolar began impacting him, that he has ALWAYS been immature, even as a kindergartner, he lagged behind his peers in maturity and THAT is about HALF of the problem we're facing.  I think his therapist needs to know this to effectively work with Josh.  He needs to know that even before Bipolar, while Josh was happy and a good student and responsible with his schoolwork and his part time job work, he NEVER stepped up to the plate, he never wanted to really grow up.  He was often disrespectful to me (NEVER anyone else), lazy and unmotivated (doing his schoolwork and his job work, but never doing MUCH else) and all those negatives were magnified by the Bipolar.

I told Josh last night how glad I am that he's in treatment and that I think his short term goal right now should be continuing to work on his life skills (he's begun working out more, is more conscious of eating regularly, has been working with his therapist on social skills etc) and one he really needs to try very hard to address is his sleep schedule.  "You need to be militant about a set bedtime, and stay within an hour or two of it.  You just can't allow yourself to keep sliding back to sleeping during the day honey."

And I told him that he should probably stop looking for full time work and find a part time job that fits his daytime schedule and is the type of job that has as little stress as possible.  "Listen, I know you feel you NEED a full time job, but I think we should take baby steps here honey.  Since you've started your medication we don't KNOW what you can handle stress wise, so lets start small.  While ultimately I'd like you to be able to fully support yourself, for right now if you're only able to cover your gas and groceries with your job, that's enough."

He told me how badly he wants to work.  How hard it is to have all this time on his hands.  "Don't you think I want the same thing you do?  I hate living like this Mom, I WANT to work."

He also said he'd like to run for exercise but he has no running shoes, "And even if I WAS working, I probably couldn't afford them anyway."

Because I WANT him to develop good health habits, I'm going to tell him to take my charge card and buy a pair of running shoes.  It might be a waste of money; he might get them and then never really develop the habit of running, but it's important enough that I'm willing to spend the money in the hopes he will run.  I'll tell him that he needs to start slowly with it, but run everyday and that within just a few weeks he will have developed the habit of running.  It could be a lifelong positive addition to his life.  He could use the endorphins if nothing else.

I'm able to continue supporting him now that I have a new job, but on the other hand, every dime I spend on him is one dime I could be applying towards the debt I've amassed over the last couple of years, so I WANT him to eventually be able to stand on his own two feet.

He did ask me last night, "Do you think I should consider disability?"

"Well, that's up to you Josh, the only problem I see with it is what your social worker told me, that it WILL limit your life.  We don't really know yet what you are capable of handling, you just started meds, so my opinion would be not to do it YET, it's something we can always do later if we find you just can't handle full time work."

"OK.  Sometimes I feel like I can, and other times I'm afraid I can't."

We also talked about his old bedroom.  I was going to have my handymen paint it, for $200.  "You know Josh, when I asked you if you'd help me paint your old room, there was NO WAY you would help me.  That kind of hurts.  You know what I've been through lately; all I've had to do around here, and it hurts that in spite of all I've done to help YOU, you don't WANT to help me out.  I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I'm trying to point out that sometimes in life it's appropriate to help others, not only is it appropriate, it can make you feel good that you were able to help someone.  I'm spending so much money helping you, I hate to spend more money to have that room painted."

"How much are they charging you?"

"$200"

"Yea, that's almost half my rent........well, I'll paint it, but will you help me?  I've never painted a ceiling before, and it would be nice if we did it together."

"Of course I'll help, but I've never painted a ceiling before either.  I've never painted WALLS before, but I'm pretty good at trim work now!"

You can bet that when we get the room painted, he's going to get a lot of positive comments from me, about how good of job he did, how much I appreciate it and all that.  I think he NEEDS that so he can learn how nice it does feel to help others out.  There are so many lessons like this that he should have learned by now, and I can't help but feel I've failed him as a parent in these areas.  But it's never too late to learn!

So, as usual, we're not where we need to be, but we seem to be continually moving forward, no matter how small the steps seem to be.