Forward Movement Would be Nice

It will seem a bit ungrateful of me to say this, but I'm beginning to feel pretty frustrated with Josh.

I am SO glad that he's on medications and seeing a therapist.  For that alone I will be eternally grateful, but since that process began, and he quit his highly stressful, night job, nothing much else has happened.

It's been six weeks (six weeks where he has one of MY credit cards to use for gas and food, etc.  Six weeks of me paying all his bills), and he still hasn't found work.

I have told him, over and over again, that applying for jobs online probably isn't going to get the job done.  "You need to walk in and fill out an application and then follow up the next day with a call when there is a place with a sign advertising help wanted.

I can't get him to do this.

He saw his therapist yesterday and then he and I went out for dinner. 

"I have something to ask you Mom."

"OK."

"Well, when my lease is up, how would you feel about me living with you again?"

Not good, that's the real, true answer, but of course I didn't SAY that.

"I don't know, it would depend on a lot of things I guess.  Why would you want to do that though?  I thought you wanted the independence of a place of your own."

"Well, I want a HOME of my own, not an apartment.  If I could live with you for a year or two, I could save money for a house.  Dad said that I could build a cabin like his, on his property, and if I paid for the shell, he'd help me finish the interior.  It's only $5,000 for the shell."

"OK, but I imagine the interior stuff has got to run $10,000 or more."

"You think it would be that much, even if we did all the work?"

"Probably.  You're talking kitchen and bath fixtures, kitchen appliances, a heating/ac unit, so yea, with insulation, plumbing, electrical, drywall, I bet it could be at least that.  Then there's flooring too."

"Well, I guess I'd have to live with you more like two years then."

"Well Josh, I'm open to discussing it as we get closer to the time that your lease runs out, but for right now, you need to get a job.  I'm a little concerned though, at the thought of you living in such isolation.  I know there's a town close by where you could possibly find work, but all your friends will be several hours away from you.  I'm not sure if that's the best thing for you.  And I hate the thought of you being that far away from me too, with no cell phone reception."

"I guess I'd have to make new friends.  Maybe it's a pipe dream, but I feel like I want to be ME again.  On this medicine, well, I function better and the anti-depressant has helped too, but this isn't me."

"I know you'd love to live surrounded by the woods and all, but Josh, without medication you'd be living in a bad mental state most of the time.  It would become hard for you to hold down a job again.  While it SOUNDS like an answer to you, I can see many problems with the whole thing, but we can talk about it further in six months or so, ok?"

So even though my boy is on medication and doing better, this isn't something he can see himself doing long term.  I'm not terribly shocked by that, yet it still disheartens me.

I'm going to leave a message for his therapist and ask that he call me.  While he doesn't have permission to share information with ME, I feel the need to share my point of view with HIM. Josh sees him again Wednesday, and it doesn't escape my notice that this therapist is scheduling Josh twice a week now, instead of once every two weeks.  I'm sure he sees a real need for intervention here and so do I, so I'll intervene as I'm able.

But no, I don't want Josh living here.  I don't think that's in his best interest or my own.

Oh, and he's gained TWENTY pounds since starting his meds.  It looks GOOD on him, it does, but much more weight and it's NOT gonna look so good on him.