Knowledge is Power

When Josh landed in the hospital and the man who had evaluated him opened his mouth and said, "Your son is in a mild manic state and from his history, it's clear that he has Bipolar Disorder," I was too exhausted and frightened to fully get the gravity of the diagnosis.

Oh, I knew it was bad.

I remember standing and talking with a teacher on Field Day when Jordan was in Elementary School. For some reason, this woman shared with me the story of her son, who was what was then called Manic-Depressive. Unfortunately, it was a fairly typical story of a young man who struggled against the Disorder and lost his battle with it at the age of 24 by killing himself.

I can remember so clearly having the sensation of this woman's pain pouring over me in waves.

So, I knew it was bad.

But I really knew nothing at all.

I now know more than I ever wanted to know about this Disorder, and I'm pretty sure I'll never stop learning.

The internet is a both a blessing and a curse when researching something of this nature. There is a wealth of useful information to be had and what you read there can scare the holy crap out of you.

I visited message boards and forums and the stories I read kept me awake at night, it seemed like everyone was so badly affected by Bipolar. What I quickly realized though is that the people who are posting on message boards fall into one of maybe three categories.

1. People like myself who are new to the Disorder and are seeking help.

2. People who are struggling with the disorder and are seeking help.

3. People who have the disorder and have no intention of addressing it properly, but want to whine.

The fact of the matter is, that for the most part, people who are struggling post on message boards. People who have control over the disorder and are living perfectly normal lives, thankyouverymuch, are out living their perfectly normal lives and not posting messages on boards and forums.

So keep that in mind when you are searching for information. Don't be discouraged by the dearth of happily ever after you read there.

While searching for information about various medications, there are horror stories aplenty too. Because these drugs affect everyone so differently, it can be disheartening to read about other's experiences with side effects and withdrawal symptoms. It is beyond alarming what some people have been through on the journey for the right combination of medications.

It didn't take me long to decide that I needed a book. A good book. A simple, but thorough book, and so I headed to Borders.

I came home with a book that I felt was appropriate to the situation, "Bipolar For Dummies", because I definitely qualified as a Dummy on the subject.

As a starter book, I would highly recommend this one. It covers all aspects of the Disorder and has a section for Caretakers. It is very technical in explaining the Disorder and I completely understood what "happens" in the Bipolar Brain. Granted, I couldn't explain it to anyone else if my life depended on it, but I understood it as I read it.

The book was copyrighted several years ago, so the information may not be the most up-to-date, but I still think it provides a good jumping off point in the quest for Knowledge.

Next I contacted the local chapter of The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: DBSA and I began attending Support Group meetings.

This was a difficult step for me to take, and I hate to admit it, but it took me several weeks to make that call. And another week to actually attend a meeting. It seemed like stepping across that threshold was me acknowledging the reality of Josh's illness.

Yes, even parents have to work through denial.

If you're faced with a diagnosis of Bipolar, get over your denial quicker than I did, because the help and support you will find at DBSA will be invaluable to you. I actually look forward to our Monday night meetings.

Once I'd armed myself with knowledge and support, I realized that I didn't have a clue how to actually deal with my son on a day to day basis.

All of a sudden this son of mine was completely unfamiliar to me. He was unstable when he came home from the hospital, and while the medications had brought him down from his high, his disordered and occasional delusional thought processes were something totally new to me. I had no idea how to communicate with him.

At a time when I REALLY needed to be able to communicate with him effectively.

Josh displayed HORRIBLE rages when he came home, all directed at me. Anything was liable to set him off. One day he was sitting in my office talking to me and a bird flew by my office window. In a natural response to peripheral movement, I shifted my eyes to the window. Josh jumped up, pounded his fist in the middle of my desk hard enough to make things on it jump, and screamed at me, "Pay attention when I talk to you!" Clearly I'd done nothing 'wrong', but in his mind I was Satan incarnate sent up from the bowels of hell with the express purpose of infuriating him. His rages could have been induced by the medication, irritability IS one of the lovely attibutes of Bipolar Disorder, but some medications ramp it up a notch, to one notch just below homicidal.

So I learned. Slowly. Over WEEKS.

The problem was that everyday, a different version of Josh climbed out of bed. What worked yesterday in that mood, inflamed him today in this mood.

I'll save anyone out there who is dealing with a newly diagnosed Bipolar person some time and tell you a little secret. No matter what, stay calm and agree with everything they say.

OK, so I hate to admit this too, but early on I would make matters worse by arguing with Josh and occasionally I got downright mad at him.

Who wouldn't? Seriously?!

It takes time to realize that this person in front of you HAS NO CONCEPT OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

Oh, you know it on an intellectual level, but it takes real effort to remember that in the heat of a very violent moment.

The truth is that stress is one of the worst things for a Bipolar person. Stress builds and builds and builds inside them, and can send them directly into a manic state; do not pass go, do not collect your Seroquel.

So for days, maybe even weeks *shudders* I made matters worse for Josh, and myself, but I learned. Eventually I learned.

I learned to agree with anything he said, "Yes, I'm the most horrible parent in the world, I don't know how you've lived with me all these years, and yes, I need therapy and probably a parenting class or two."

But the biggest thing I learned was to let go and let God.

And God seems to be doing a pretty good job of handling this, because yesterday? JOSH climbed out of bed. My Josh. The one I knew before that awful man in the hospital uttered those words, the one I knew before depression settled over him like an early morning fog, the one who used to be happy and surrounded by friends, rushing here and there, living a busy, fulfilling life.

It seems the medication has quickly worked its way out of Josh's system and, where he was slow and foggy, he's sharp and bright. Where he was sad and desolate, he's happy and hopeful. He's not the slightest bit manic and his thought processes seem to be in good working order.

Today while I was out of town, Josh went out to play baseball with two of his OLD friends. You know, the friends HE pushed out of his life way back there when he was depressed and on the way to suicidal. And as I type this, one of those friends is in his room with him, doing what they used to do...play a video game.

The most difficult lesson I've learned though is that tomorrow is a complete unknown with this Disorder, especially at the stage of acceptance that we are in.

We aren't treating the Disorder at all at this point, although Josh is being very careful about his sleep schedule, because for him and many who suffer with Bipolar, sleep deprivation is a one way ticket to Mania City.

Josh could be fine for days or months, or possibly even years before the monster rears it's ugly head again. And Josh could wake up TOMORROW headed towards a manic state.

So I've learned to take all this one day at a time, appreciating the good days and looking for more lessons in the bad ones.

Because in the end? I'm just about all Josh has right now and I don't intend to let him down.