Originally posted on my private blog on June 6, 2010

Josh and I got home yesterday afternoon. All in all it was a good trip, one I can at least look back on and 'see' what Josh on medication 'looks like'.

His intention is to see the nurse at the mental health center and get instructions for stepping off his medication now that we're home. And one of the first things he did after we got home was smoke pot. Sigh.

No way does he think he has Bipolar Disorder and therefore he doesn't need to be on medication.

There were many opportunities on vacation to discuss all this with Josh, where I was able to illustrate to him THEN (back home raging and being all over the place emotionally) to NOW (on medication and much more stabilized mood wise). But he doesn't SEE it, doesn't see the difference as being medication based as much as just vacation based.

"There's no stress here Mom and that's the difference."

In all of this I keep getting the strongest feeling that God works in mysterious ways. That this trip (that was supposed to be enjoyed by my boyfriend and me) turned out being shared by Josh and me, well, it seems there was a higher power at work that created this set of circumstances.

As we traveled home, there was another moment that felt like God's hand at work. We stopped in a rest area and as we walked out of the building towards our car, there was a guy in front of us RAGING at the older gentleman that was with him. The guy was in his late twenties and it was clear that he had some kind of mental handicap. He was screaming and cussing and was very animated in his disgust with this older gentlemen.

They arrived at their car, and there was a woman waiting there for them holding a very young baby. This guy reached into the car and pulled out a large heavy plastic shovel and started threatening the older gentlemen with it telling him he was not getting in the f*@king car with them.

The older gentlemen stepped away to the sidewalk and his demeanor broke my heart. Submissive, clearly in pain.....lost.

I saw myself standing there and Josh raging at me. I so related to what this gentlemen was going through and I said to Josh, "I hate to say it honey, but that guy? He is behaving so much like you behave when you're in a rage."

"I don't act like that!"

"Yes you do, you are just that way when you get upset with me."

As we entered the interstate, Josh shut off the radio, "We need to talk about this, cause that is NOT how I act."

"Yes it is Josh and I understand that you can't see it, but you are THAT BAD, so angry and loud that the neighbors become concerned for my safety."

We talked back and forth about it with Josh defending himself by stating that HIS behavior is MY fault. The way I talk to him, the things I say inflame him. I pointed out that he's not had any rages on vacation and that, believe it or not, I'm the same person this week on vacation as I was last week at home AND honestly? NOTHING I could say or do would justify him treating me the way he has. He was becoming more and more upset so I finally defused the situation by telling him that I needed to concentrate on my driving.

But I couldn't really get him to see that his behavior over the last several weeks was inappropriate to the circumstances and that on this medication, his irritability was greatly diminished.

He pointed out to me that his rages have become worse ON the medication and I pointed out that on THIS dosage of medication, with no pot or alcohol interference, he had been FINE.

Like all the conversations we had about the subject of Bipolar and medication while we were on vacation, this one ended in frustration for both of us, but if nothing else, we had the conversation and I left him with food for thought.

But I don't think it was just a coincidence that we encountered that guy at the rest stop.

In the end, nothing has really changed regarding Josh. We are back at square one really. He's going to stop his medication, he doesn't accept the reality of his condition, and the roller coaster is slowly climbing back up the big hill.

I'm unhappy that not more was accomplished on vacation. It would have been really nice and tidy if he'd had a moment of clarity and could SEE the facts, but that didn't happen. At the very least I now know that THIS dosage of medication with no substance abuse works. It would need to be tweaked, there might be additional medications needed to deal with sleep issues or some of the side effects of the medication, but we were closer than we've been so far in hitting 'normal'.

On vacation, on this medication, our conversations were 'normal'. No delusion, no bizarre subject matters.

I imagine when he stops his medication, his thought processes will return to being more abnormal with hints of delusion.

He CANNOT have a normal life, normal relationships in that state. I've made it clear to him that I am not willing to go back to living as we have been, with him raging at me. I tried to discuss 'what if' with him. "What if you go off your medication and you begin raging at me again, what if you become manic and delusional again?"

He wouldn't discuss it, totally dismissed it as me being unreasonable. "Mom, we don't need 'a plan' about 'what if' cause I'm gonna be fine."

He doesn't SEE, can't seem to 'get' the reality of how he WAS compared to how he IS on medication.

The only thing I really accomplished on vacation was getting him to agree that if he intended to stop his medication, that he do it under the care of a professional AND while he's said he doesn't intend to continue therapy, on the way home he said he'd like to see MY therapist.

I emailed her last night and gave her a brief synopsis of the situation and asked if she'd be willing to see Josh and possibly as time unfolded, she could point him in the direction of a psychiatrist, because he REALLY needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist.

So, that's where we are right now and it's not a very comfortable place for me to be. I have no idea how Josh will be once he's stepped off this medication. It's POSSIBLE he'll be fine, but more than likely things are going to go to hell in a handbasket (again).

I'm still very sad about the ending of my relationship with my boyfriend. I could kick myself for putting myself through the last couple of months, I should have walked away long ago, because the fact of the matter is that he isn't capable right now of having a grown up relationship. And with all I'm going through with Josh, I don't have what it takes emotionally to try to hold it all together.

Dealing with loss is always hard, and I'm kind of dealing with a double whammy of it. As hard as it is to deal with the loss of my relationship, the much more difficult loss I'm feeling is the loss regarding Josh.

I don't want him to be defined by Bipolar Disorder, but I can't help but feel that I've lost 'normal' and I'm not sure when or even if we'll ever find 'normal' again. I FEEL like I've lost my son, and while I know it doesn't HAVE to be that way, sitting here today I haven't a clue if I'll ever see MY Josh again, and that is a loss that is so hard to deal with.