Vacation Update

Originally posted on my private blog on May 30, 2010

We're here on this beautiful Florida Island. My time is focused almost solely on Josh. I have a pocket of free time in the mornings because I'm an early riser and Josh sleeps until about 10. I may not be able to finish this post and tie it up with a bow, so I'll get to the important points first.

Josh is doing better everyday.

Our trip down was difficult, but only in the sense that I felt I was traveling with a 12 year old Zombie. Josh didn't talk a lot and when he did there were moments of delusion that popped out. He complained a lot about the medication he was taking, how it made him feel both physically and mentally. I have been concerned that forcing him to stay on this medication for the duration of our vacation was a mistake, there is a fair measure of guilt that comes into play when you hear and see the effects of your decision.

But each day I've seen improvements in his general mood, I've seen very little delusion. He is less Zombie like, but very 'slow' thinking, which is unlike him. Yesterday was the best day yet. We went out to breakfast, did our grocery shopping for the week and then spent several hours at the beach. We drove into town last night and played putt putt, stopped for ice cream and then came back to the condo and watched a movie together.

Josh seems to get very sad in the evenings and there are tears and proclamations that his future is nonexistent.

I talk and cry with him, reassure him that on the other side of all this, there is hope. I hold him when he cries and tell him how much I love him.

Josh told me that he finds this place very relaxing and you can see that in his demeanor. He is very calm, but he worries about the short term memory loss that is a side effect of this medication. I remind him that many of these side effects dissipate over time, that his body and brain are working hard to adjust.

Putt putt is something that the boys and I have always done together, no matter where we vacation. I pretty much suck at it and Josh, being the very competitive person that he is, takes the whole thing very seriously. When he suggested Putt Putt last night it thrilled me that he wanted to do something that was so much a 'normal' part of our vacations.

I schooled him. I've NEVER beaten him at Putt Putt before, the ending score was very close. I was three over par, he was four over. I told him later, "Well, I considered letting you win, like I used to do when you were little."

He got a sly smile and busted out laughing, cause he knows I never LET him win in the past, I just suck.

And right there in that little story is the saddest part of this for me. To see him like he was while we played, his reaction to my little joke...well, it's heartbreaking to think that such a small, seemingly insignificant moment can take on such magnitude, because all I can hang my hat on right now are the smallest of 'victories'.

When we stopped for ice cream last night, the two girls working the counter were HOT, and they were all over him, didn't take their eyes off him. They flirted and he flirted back. Josh so badly wants a girlfriend and he's feeling unattractive and undesirable. The fact of the matter is that Josh is a very good looking guy, but in his current emotional state, he'd scare any girl away who got close enough to see his cracks. Clearly though, he's still 'got it'.

When we sat down with our cones I told him, "Those girls were eye f@*king you."

This town is very different than the island we're staying on. As we drove through, there were hot men and women everywhere, barely clothed. On the island, it's mostly families and couples and the median age is probably 40. Not many hot bodies on the beaches here.

"Maybe you'd like to come over here to the beach one day? It might be more fun than the beach at the condo."

"I dunno Mom. Yea, there are lots more hot girls over here, but I'm not gonna really meet any of them and it might just drive me nuts having to look at them all."

My problem is going to be keeping Josh occupied. I imagine everyday we'll spend several hours on the beach (as long as no oil washes ashore) or at the pool and then we'll have an afternoon activity of some kind planned. I'm going to try to find time tomorrow morning to search for activities off island, I even considered looking into driving to Orlando and spending an evening and day at Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure.

Keeping us occupied could wind up costing me a fortune :)

So, all in all, he's doing as well as I could hope for and I have my fingers crossed that there is no backsliding, that each day continues to present gifts.

I'm missing my boyfriend; missing the vacation that we were supposed to share.

Like Josh, it's easy to look at where my life is at RIGHT NOW and wonder about my own future. I'll be 53 years old in a few weeks and once again, I'm all alone. My desire to find that one special person to spend the rest of my life with seems like just that, desire, with little hope. On the other hand, as Josh said yesterday, "Jesus Mom, you don't LOOK 53, you're in great shape and you're smart and funny, don't count yourself out. Just like those girls in the ice cream store, I see guys checking you out all the time."

"Yea, well, that's what guys do honey, it doesn't mean much."

"Well, guys don't check out the unattractive girls Mom."

I do know this. I feel strongly that everything having to do with this vacation has played out the way it was supposed to. Bringing Josh here was fraught with concerns and yet, so far, I can see that this time can be very valuable for him. This time with ME, this time to adjust to his medication. And I believe the situation with my boyfriend has played out as it was meant to. Who knows, perhaps this is what needed to happen FOR him?

And because I so strongly believe in the concept that everything happens for a reason, I have to have faith that there was a reason for all of this and that God has plans for me and for my future that I can't even imagine at this point.

Now, Josh is up and I'm off to make him breakfast.