Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Originally posted to my Private Blog on May 12, 2010

That's what life with Josh is like at the moment, a very wild ride.

Yesterday when he got home from IOP he was angry. He had met with the psychiatrist and the doctor had doubled his medication. He was taking 100mg, now he is to take 200mg. The doctor told Josh that he will probably increase it one more time in the near future to 300mg.

"Mom, I don't wanna take this medicine AT ALL, I certainly don't want to be taking MORE of it!!!"

He complained about the group therapy at IOP, how useless he found it to be. I told him to ask for individual therapy (which he can do there, with a 24 hour request).

"Tell Rob that you think that's what you NEED right now, ask him for individual therapy for the next two weeks. We're paying for you to get the help you need there, just let them know what you feel will help you."

Josh was very dejected, sick of living in this world, unable to accept that THIS was to be his life. Much of what he said reminded of me of how he was feeling when he became suicidal.

I sat and talked to him for several hours, and throughout the conversation I remained as calm and loving as possible as he hurled insults at me and told me that he hated me; everything about me. Every comment he made I countered with some variation of "well, you are not able to think clearly right now Josh, and it's NOT your fault. Your brain is playing tricks on you. The chemistry of your brain is messed up."

I reminded him to look back at how he felt when he came home from the hospital. "Yes, you were happy to be home, but you were also hopeful and motivated and ready to make important changes in your life that were in your own best interest. You have hampered that process by smoking pot. You just have to accept that you CAN'T do that and maintain your equilibrium."

Eventually it hit me that Josh probably hadn't eaten all day, so I asked if he'd like to go get a bite to eat.

"I'm hungry, but no."

He was distraught, in obvious emotional pain.

So I just kept talking to him.

He began to calm down a bit and finally said, "You know, I think we should go get something to eat, I think I can go out and be cordial." (Cordial? Where did THAT come from?!)

As we drove to the restaurant and sat and ate, he became more and more like 'himself'. During dinner he said, "Do you really think that if I stay on this medicine and avoid drugs and alcohol I could be happy, have a happy life?"

"Yes honey, I do, and I know this is hard for you to adjust to, difficult to accept, but until you begin to accept it and do the things you need to do, you will continue to cycle through these extreme mood swings."

We talked again about the need for him to take good care of his body; the importance of eating properly, keeping his body fueled, the benefits of maintaining a regular sleep schedule (which he has been doing a really good job with) and how helpful it is to exercise everyday...walk Blackie or work with his weights.

By the time we got back home he was FINE. Better than I've seen him since he's been home actually. Not manic, not depressed, just JOSH.

He had a friend over to play guitar for a while and then another friend stopped by for a bit.

I have no idea which version of Josh will return from IOP today, but I'm geared up and ready to deal with whoever walks through the door. I just hope we get to the point where the Josh I know walks through the door everyday.