All Josh, All The Time

Originally Posted to my Private Blog On May 10, 2010

Sorry for the lack of updates since Josh came home from the hospital, but things have been very difficult.

He came home last Tuesday and was still very manic...not 'crazy'...just very 'up'; very talkative, racing thoughts, etc.

Everyday since he came home his condition has deteriorated, to the point that last night I was afraid to be with him.

It is very hard to describe what I have been experiencing with him. I've spent HOURS just sitting and listening to him talk, and each day the conversation has gotten more alarming.

As an example of how his mind is processing information, I'll tell you a little tale, but there are probably a hundred such tales I could relay to you that are as disturbing as this one is:

Josh took his extended wear lenses out Saturday morning because he had developed an infection in his LEFT eye.

Last night, as he was raging at me about many, many different things (pacing back and forth at the end of my bed screaming and pounding his fist on the bed and the dresser for emphasis) he started talking about the medication he was taking and all the things he didn't like about it; how it makes him FEEL inside and how he can't possibly live with this FEELING the rest of his life. And then he said, "This medicine is slowly killing the LEFT side of my brain while it builds up the RIGHT side, and if you don't believe that MOM, look at my LEFT eye, that's the dead brain cells coming out of my eye."

Jordan, his girlfriend and my boyfriend came for Mother's Day dinner last night. None of them have seen Josh since he's been home. They were all three appalled by his condition, and I have to say that with the extra activity in the house, Josh was probably 50% BETTER than normal.

After Jordan and his girlfriend left, my boyfriend said that he thought he'd go home too, that he didn't feel like he could handle being there with Josh in that condition.

That kind of disappointed me. I have been there beside him through some pretty difficult stuff. It wasn't COMFORTABLE for me, but I did it because I care about him. I am here ALL ALONE with Josh. I'm scared to death about his condition, about my safety, about HIS safety, and it was a bit hard to swallow that my boyfriend wasn't able to stay with me last night.

On the other hand, he's never had children and so he feels very out of his element with all this (uh huh, join the club!). In addition to that, Josh is NOT himself, by any stretch of the imagination. He is being HORRIBLE to me. My boyfriend saw enough of that last night (although NOT to the degree Josh goes to when we're alone together) and it is hard for him to watch me being treated that way.

On the phone last night he said, "Melody, you've never seen me angry, but if I had stayed I probably wouldn't have been able to continue to watch him treat you that way and I'm sure he and I would have gotten into a pretty good argument about it. Basically, you'd have had two crazy acting people to deal with."

Since Josh came home, he has argued with me regularly about his ability to still smoke pot on occasion, that it actually 'helps' him. So, according to him, he has smoked a small amount of pot twice. He also drank a beer "to detox his system before they drug tested him at IOP Monday morning." Clearly his mind is not working properly and nothing *I* say can deter him from doing these things that I know are counterproductive.

His deterioration may be largely due to him self medicating, or it could be that his medication needs further tweaking.

Backing up to last Wednesday, Josh met with a counselor at the Mental Health Center that has taken over his outpatient care. He was evaluated to determine the level of care he needed. It was decided that he would attend IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) five days a week, from 9AM till 3 PM. Now THAT's some Intensive care.

After Josh met with the counselor, Rob, I asked to speak to him and tried to impress on him the things Josh had been saying to me about pot usage and his belief that he isn't Bipolar and does not plan on staying on medications for more than 3-6 months.

Rob very nicely told me to stay out of it and let them do their job, that they would be addressing all of this with Josh during his IOP.

I called Rob this morning and left him a VM, "I know that you'd like me to 'stay out of it and let you do your job', but Josh's state is of great concern to me. I'd like to talk with you before IOP today and let you know what's going on with him."

Rob called me back and stated that he couldn't talk to me about Josh's condition, but he could listen to anything I felt he needed to know. On Wednesday, while Josh was in with Rob, I asked the desk clerk if the form that allowed the doctors to speak with me regarding Josh's care that Josh had signed upon admittance to the hospital had come over to them. She checked his records in the computer, asked if I was Melody and said that they had the form there. Rob couldn't find that form in Josh's chart so he was unable to GIVE me any information, but I gave him plenty.

He was very concerned and stated, "Well, maybe this isn't going to work after all, but let me spend the day with him and get a feel for what's going on, and I'll try to get him to sign another permission form today too. Also, I want you to know that my remarks to you last week were in no way meant to make you feel like your fears and concerns shouldn't be discussed with me. I merely wanted the frustration between you and Josh to be diminished where his medication and pot usage are concerned because that is something we will be working on with him. You call me anytime there is something you think I need to know because I'm not going to see the same Josh here that you are living with."

I'm not sure what Rob meant when he said, "Maybe this isn't going to work." Does he mean IOP isn't the answer for Josh? Does he feel that Josh needs to be hospitalized again?

I don't know and until they either locate the original permission form or get a new one signed, I'm unable to GET any information from them.

Sigh