The last time I posted was September 2016. Wow!
I'm happy to say that my Josh is doing very well. He and his girlfriend broke up shortly after that last post, but he found a young woman who is very well suited to him and she moved in with him about a year ago now.
The result of this is that he's visibly happier.
He's had some rough patches, especially in the winter...he gets into that deep depression and I talk, talk, talk to keep him from killing himself. But for the first time last winter, with his new girlfriend, he did not sink as deep and this winter he's been fine.
He continues to be off medications.
We had a tragedy in our family recently, my older son shot himself in the head on July 27th. I was out of town at the time and it took me 12 hours to get home. They told me immediately that his injuries were non-survivable. He was in the hospital 7 days and in hospice for 9. He was young and strong and in good health so it took his body a while to let go. The entire thing was, of course, horribly and I'm brokenhearted and struggle everyday with this loss.
All this time I've been so worried that Josh would kill himself, it's too unbelievable that my other son did.
He has struggled with addiction his entire adult life, but went into recovery about 18 months before he died. After his death I realized that he had been struggling for a few months with his sobriety and I think he was really, really unhappy with his girlfriend. They had been together for 13 years and had a true LOVE/HATE relationship. They fought all that week she said and then they fought that night, he left and went to the bar, came home drunk and killed himself. I imagine when he came home they fought more, but she's not admitting to that. Her story is he stopped on the way home to get soda, walked in and put them in the fridge and then shot himself. I call bullshit on that. If he intended to shoot himself all night, he wouldn't have stopped to get sodas, right? Like I said, I bet they continued to fight and then he'd had enough and was drunk. Guns and alcohol are not a good combination.
I honestly don't think he would have done this in a sober state of mind. We'd had many discussions about suicide because of Josh's situation and he had strong feelings about it. It's ironic, I always thought alcohol would kill him, but not like this. Not at his own hand.
Josh has handled this pretty well, I was afraid it would cause him to cycle, but he's been a rock for me. He struggles the most with the way his brother looked in the hospital, with his head so swollen and his eyes black and swollen. He is haunted by that.
I'm haunted by all of it. I talked to him on Monday, he called me, just to talk and we made plans to have breakfast, just he and I when I got back from my trip. That Friday night he shot himself. I'm glad we had connected that week and as always, we said "I love you" to each other.
Hold your babies close, even when they're 34, that's all I've got to say.
I continue to pray for everyone who struggles with mental illness or has a loved one who struggles.
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Another Year Gone By
Josh continues to be in a good place. He gets wobbly every now and then, but for the most part I find his coping skills much better than they used to be.
He went off of his medicine again about six months ago, and while I saw him get wobbly in the spring, he never went too far one way or another.
I relieve my stress about a back slide by reminding myself that he has, in the past, gotten himself back to the doctor and back on meds when things start to get bad, and so I remind myself that he seems to be self aware and that he'll take care of it.
He purchased a house this March! A really adorable 2 story, 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home that's about 6 years old. A great starter home. He and his girlfriend now have two dogs and two cats. He doesn't feel like he'll ever want children, and with all those animals I don't think he needs a child right now.
I pray all the time that we continue to be blessed with his improved mental health and I pray that for you and your loved one too.
He went off of his medicine again about six months ago, and while I saw him get wobbly in the spring, he never went too far one way or another.
I relieve my stress about a back slide by reminding myself that he has, in the past, gotten himself back to the doctor and back on meds when things start to get bad, and so I remind myself that he seems to be self aware and that he'll take care of it.
He purchased a house this March! A really adorable 2 story, 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home that's about 6 years old. A great starter home. He and his girlfriend now have two dogs and two cats. He doesn't feel like he'll ever want children, and with all those animals I don't think he needs a child right now.
I pray all the time that we continue to be blessed with his improved mental health and I pray that for you and your loved one too.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Time for a new Post
Here we are again, approaching another Spring. Josh typically cycles in the Spring.
What makes this Spring different for Josh than past Springs is that he is on medication.
He has remained on his anti-convulsive and therefore, his life is moving along nicely.
I think he drinks occasionally, but more in a social way then an abusive way.
He has lived with his girlfriend for two years now, has done very well in his career making more than enough money to live on.
He actually is a lot of fun to be around and that really sweet guy I've always known, is the face I see all the time.
It's funny because when he talks about Bipolar he moves between speaking of it as just a part of himself and then other times he states that he's not convinced he has Bipolar.
What he has told me about being on medication is that he still sometimes feels depressed, but it's not as deep of a depression and it hangs in for a much shorter time period. Conversely, I still occasionally see him a bit 'speedy' and he will say he feels a bit 'speedy' every now and then, but again he's never manic and the speedy feeling is rather fleeting.
He copes amazingly well now that he's on medication. He has gone through some pretty stressful things during this last six months or so and he actually is calmer about it all than I seem to be.
I continue to read a great deal about Bipolar and know that there are many people who advocate for no medication, the thinking being that therapy and behavior modification/biofeedback, etc. can manage it. I think that's probably true for some people, but I know that for Josh, medication has made all the difference between a life worth living and suicide.
When I read the comments here and the emails I receive from other parents of children with Bipolar, I feel your pain. I hear the desperation in your words and remember well that desperation and hopelessness.
I pray that your children will eventually find their way to the right doctor and the right medication, because for me and my child, it has set our world 'right' again.
What makes this Spring different for Josh than past Springs is that he is on medication.
He has remained on his anti-convulsive and therefore, his life is moving along nicely.
I think he drinks occasionally, but more in a social way then an abusive way.
He has lived with his girlfriend for two years now, has done very well in his career making more than enough money to live on.
He actually is a lot of fun to be around and that really sweet guy I've always known, is the face I see all the time.
It's funny because when he talks about Bipolar he moves between speaking of it as just a part of himself and then other times he states that he's not convinced he has Bipolar.
What he has told me about being on medication is that he still sometimes feels depressed, but it's not as deep of a depression and it hangs in for a much shorter time period. Conversely, I still occasionally see him a bit 'speedy' and he will say he feels a bit 'speedy' every now and then, but again he's never manic and the speedy feeling is rather fleeting.
He copes amazingly well now that he's on medication. He has gone through some pretty stressful things during this last six months or so and he actually is calmer about it all than I seem to be.
I continue to read a great deal about Bipolar and know that there are many people who advocate for no medication, the thinking being that therapy and behavior modification/biofeedback, etc. can manage it. I think that's probably true for some people, but I know that for Josh, medication has made all the difference between a life worth living and suicide.
When I read the comments here and the emails I receive from other parents of children with Bipolar, I feel your pain. I hear the desperation in your words and remember well that desperation and hopelessness.
I pray that your children will eventually find their way to the right doctor and the right medication, because for me and my child, it has set our world 'right' again.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Robin Williams RIP
We talk about the day the music died, yesterday will go down in history as the day that comedy died.
Robin Williams cannot be replaced. He was a comic genius.
My heart goes out to his family and friends.
Mr. Williams was a perfect example of the notion, 'the higher the highs, the lower the lows'. His manic performances are legendary, yet he often talked about the crushing lows. In an interview in 2006 he stated that he had never been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or Clinical Depression. He stated that his mania was an act, but that the depression was real.
For those of us who have a loved one who struggles with the depression that accompanies Bipolar Disorder, losing Robin Williams to depression induced suicide is a wake up call to increase our vigilance......
and to talk about mental illness!
When will the stigma go away? How many lives have to be lost in this way before we, as a society, lift the veil, step out from behind the curtain and actually begin dealing with this illness in appropriate ways?
I'm a bit of a hypocrite in this because, here I am writing a blog about parenting a Bipolar Son anonymously. I do this to protect my son's privacy because he has yet to fully embrace his diagnosis; he is a prisoner of the stigma.
Mr. Williams gave the world so much, but maybe in the end he'll leave behind a legacy of not just his amazing talent, but also the beginnings of a movement to de-stigmatize mental illness.
In his honor, educate yourselves about mental illness so that you can offer support for the people in your life who suffer from it. And trust me, there is someone in your life who is suffering from mental illness, whether you recognize it or not.
Robin Williams cannot be replaced. He was a comic genius.
My heart goes out to his family and friends.
Mr. Williams was a perfect example of the notion, 'the higher the highs, the lower the lows'. His manic performances are legendary, yet he often talked about the crushing lows. In an interview in 2006 he stated that he had never been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or Clinical Depression. He stated that his mania was an act, but that the depression was real.
For those of us who have a loved one who struggles with the depression that accompanies Bipolar Disorder, losing Robin Williams to depression induced suicide is a wake up call to increase our vigilance......
and to talk about mental illness!
When will the stigma go away? How many lives have to be lost in this way before we, as a society, lift the veil, step out from behind the curtain and actually begin dealing with this illness in appropriate ways?
I'm a bit of a hypocrite in this because, here I am writing a blog about parenting a Bipolar Son anonymously. I do this to protect my son's privacy because he has yet to fully embrace his diagnosis; he is a prisoner of the stigma.
Mr. Williams gave the world so much, but maybe in the end he'll leave behind a legacy of not just his amazing talent, but also the beginnings of a movement to de-stigmatize mental illness.
In his honor, educate yourselves about mental illness so that you can offer support for the people in your life who suffer from it. And trust me, there is someone in your life who is suffering from mental illness, whether you recognize it or not.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
A Very Bright Young Man
As I said in my post four months ago, Josh has been struggling. Thankfully his mood swings have been fairly mild, but they do make his life more difficult than it needs to be.
He has slowly arrived at a better place, and all of it was through his own desire to get there.
He stopped drinking, etc. because he's wise enough to know that it only creates more issues.
He went shopping for a new psychiatrist, because his old doctor isn't covered under his new health insurance.
The process took a while, and his heart wasn't really it, but his head knew that he needed to stick with it and get some help.
He seems to like his new doctor, who put him on an anti-convulsive med (which has some pretty scary side effects). So far he's doing OK on the med, but it will take another week or so to see improvements in his mood.
He met for the first time this week with a new therapist who works under his psychiatrist. "She's a little bit older than you I think, and I really liked her."
"Well, if she's my age it means she probably has amassed lots of wisdom she can share with you."
I'm so proud of Josh for getting here on his own. Yes, we've had many discussions about his moods, and yes, I've encouraged him and offered support, but he picked up the ball and carried it.
I think that's key with all this Bipolar stuff. They have to find their way, and we're left to stand by and wring our hands. We want to rescue them, but they really have to save themselves.
He has slowly arrived at a better place, and all of it was through his own desire to get there.
He stopped drinking, etc. because he's wise enough to know that it only creates more issues.
He went shopping for a new psychiatrist, because his old doctor isn't covered under his new health insurance.
The process took a while, and his heart wasn't really it, but his head knew that he needed to stick with it and get some help.
He seems to like his new doctor, who put him on an anti-convulsive med (which has some pretty scary side effects). So far he's doing OK on the med, but it will take another week or so to see improvements in his mood.
He met for the first time this week with a new therapist who works under his psychiatrist. "She's a little bit older than you I think, and I really liked her."
"Well, if she's my age it means she probably has amassed lots of wisdom she can share with you."
I'm so proud of Josh for getting here on his own. Yes, we've had many discussions about his moods, and yes, I've encouraged him and offered support, but he picked up the ball and carried it.
I think that's key with all this Bipolar stuff. They have to find their way, and we're left to stand by and wring our hands. We want to rescue them, but they really have to save themselves.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Almost Four Years
Josh was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder in April 2010. That seems like a lifetime ago, and yet, those first two years are as fresh in my memory as if they happened last week.
In spite of the fact that I haven't posted anything here for months and months, this blog continues to get a massive number of hits each month. That reality saddens me because it means that there are a large number of people who are effected by Bipolar in some way.
Josh remains off meds, but I continue to see glimpses of Bipolar working its way through his life. He has dealt with several pretty stressful life events, and at those times he gets a bit 'wobbly'; he loses his temper easily and reacts in ways that are out of character for him and over the top considering the event that set him off.
I believe Josh self medicates with alcohol and recently he told me that he had been using inhalants (purchased legally at a head shop). Of course, I was.......appalled, worried, disappointed. He had stopped using the inhalants but he said to me, "It's a decision I have to make anew every single day. It's not easy Mom." As is true for most people who struggle with mental illness (or addictions), the goal for Josh is to "feel better or cope better".
Clearly his coping skills are not what they should be, but all of this is out of my hands. Please don't read that as..."I wash my hands of the whole mess." It's just that all I can do is monitor, advise and pray a lot. I do all three. Josh refuses to see a therapist to help in learning better coping skills, he continues to refuse medications and he continues to say that he doesn't have Bipolar.
I read a book this weekend, "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. It's the story of his families experience as his son, Nic, struggles through Meth addiction. It's a sad, hard book to read but much of it resonated with me. My older son has struggled with addiction and as most parents of Bipolar children know, often addiction and Bipolar go hand in hand. What some of my readers might find helpful about the book is the process that David Sheff goes through in finding that delicate fine line between worry and (relative) peace.
You worry about your child, endlessly, and yet, you cannot stop living. You don't know how much to do, or even what to do. You can't sleep, can't eat, often can't function.
Eventually you realize that you also can't live that way and you find that the Serenity Prayer is the ONE thing you can do, the ONE life line that is always readily available to you, and if you're smart, you'll use it and own it and be one with it.
"Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference"
There is nothing more than that. It says it all.
To live with the specter of drug addiction or mental illness in our children's lives, the Serenity Prayer becomes our saving Grace. Available to everyone and totally free.
It's easy for me to walk that fine line while Josh is (mostly) healthy. If he ever cycles again, I hope that I'll come back to this blog and read these posts that I've written during the easier times and find the help I'll need during the bad times.
Your comments that tell of your own personal struggles continue to sadden me, and yet, I'm always thankful that some of you find hope in Josh's story. I pray that you all can find that fine line and learn to walk it.
In spite of the fact that I haven't posted anything here for months and months, this blog continues to get a massive number of hits each month. That reality saddens me because it means that there are a large number of people who are effected by Bipolar in some way.
Josh remains off meds, but I continue to see glimpses of Bipolar working its way through his life. He has dealt with several pretty stressful life events, and at those times he gets a bit 'wobbly'; he loses his temper easily and reacts in ways that are out of character for him and over the top considering the event that set him off.
I believe Josh self medicates with alcohol and recently he told me that he had been using inhalants (purchased legally at a head shop). Of course, I was.......appalled, worried, disappointed. He had stopped using the inhalants but he said to me, "It's a decision I have to make anew every single day. It's not easy Mom." As is true for most people who struggle with mental illness (or addictions), the goal for Josh is to "feel better or cope better".
Clearly his coping skills are not what they should be, but all of this is out of my hands. Please don't read that as..."I wash my hands of the whole mess." It's just that all I can do is monitor, advise and pray a lot. I do all three. Josh refuses to see a therapist to help in learning better coping skills, he continues to refuse medications and he continues to say that he doesn't have Bipolar.
I read a book this weekend, "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. It's the story of his families experience as his son, Nic, struggles through Meth addiction. It's a sad, hard book to read but much of it resonated with me. My older son has struggled with addiction and as most parents of Bipolar children know, often addiction and Bipolar go hand in hand. What some of my readers might find helpful about the book is the process that David Sheff goes through in finding that delicate fine line between worry and (relative) peace.
You worry about your child, endlessly, and yet, you cannot stop living. You don't know how much to do, or even what to do. You can't sleep, can't eat, often can't function.
Eventually you realize that you also can't live that way and you find that the Serenity Prayer is the ONE thing you can do, the ONE life line that is always readily available to you, and if you're smart, you'll use it and own it and be one with it.
"Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference"
There is nothing more than that. It says it all.
To live with the specter of drug addiction or mental illness in our children's lives, the Serenity Prayer becomes our saving Grace. Available to everyone and totally free.
It's easy for me to walk that fine line while Josh is (mostly) healthy. If he ever cycles again, I hope that I'll come back to this blog and read these posts that I've written during the easier times and find the help I'll need during the bad times.
Your comments that tell of your own personal struggles continue to sadden me, and yet, I'm always thankful that some of you find hope in Josh's story. I pray that you all can find that fine line and learn to walk it.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
And Now it's Fall
Josh had a few small 'bumps' after moving in with his girlfriend. It was a very stressful adjustment for him, and there were a few times when his reactions were.....not good.
He also lost it at work one day and was in fear of losing his job. Everything worked out in the end though.
The further away from meds he gets, the more convinced he is that he was misdiagnosed. I'm not a health care professional, but I feel strongly that he was not misdiagnosed. I feel that Bipolar will negatively effect his life again sometime in the future.
I'd LOVE to be wrong.
Enough time has passed since Josh went off his meds that I have begun to let go of that low grade worry that I have carried around. No matter how hard you try to let it go, even though you know it's all out of your control, there remains a niggling worry, but mine has become less and less.
I continue to be broken hearted by the emails I receive and comments left on this blog from people who have also been negatively effected by Bipolar. It is such a difficult path to walk and I admire so much the people who live with it and find a way to create a normal life around it.
He also lost it at work one day and was in fear of losing his job. Everything worked out in the end though.
The further away from meds he gets, the more convinced he is that he was misdiagnosed. I'm not a health care professional, but I feel strongly that he was not misdiagnosed. I feel that Bipolar will negatively effect his life again sometime in the future.
I'd LOVE to be wrong.
Enough time has passed since Josh went off his meds that I have begun to let go of that low grade worry that I have carried around. No matter how hard you try to let it go, even though you know it's all out of your control, there remains a niggling worry, but mine has become less and less.
I continue to be broken hearted by the emails I receive and comments left on this blog from people who have also been negatively effected by Bipolar. It is such a difficult path to walk and I admire so much the people who live with it and find a way to create a normal life around it.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Another Spring is Here
Josh continues to do well, but I'll tell you that I still find myself occasionally waiting for the other shoe to fall, so to speak.
He and his girlfriend are moving into a new apartment together next weekend. He has been a little stressed by this, hoping that he's not making a mistake.
We've had many talks where I've tried to inform him of the realities of living with someone else. "The first year will be a little more difficult than you might imagine, it takes time to adjust to living with someone else. Just keep in mind always how much you love her and don't let the little things get to you."
I worry that this major life change will cause him enough stress to cycle. I worry that we won't get through April without a cycle. I worry, I worry, I worry.
And then.....
I let go of my anxiety and remind myself how far Josh has come and what he's had to overcome to get here. I know that he is mindful of his mood and his sleep. He mentioned to me one day a few months ago that he thought maybe he'd been "a little manic" the prior evening.
"I realized I was chattering away, but, I'd had trouble sleeping the night before and so I got myself to bed and I've been fine since then."
I'd love to pull his girlfriend aside and let her know the things she should watch out for, but that's not my place. Maybe Josh has told her enough that she has an idea what is possible, or maybe she's taken it upon herself to acquire some knowledge on the subject?
All I know for sure is how proud I am of him. He has matured so much and taken control of his life, which means that it's easier for me to let go of that need to TRY to control a situation that is largely out of my control anyway.
We live. We learn.
He and his girlfriend are moving into a new apartment together next weekend. He has been a little stressed by this, hoping that he's not making a mistake.
We've had many talks where I've tried to inform him of the realities of living with someone else. "The first year will be a little more difficult than you might imagine, it takes time to adjust to living with someone else. Just keep in mind always how much you love her and don't let the little things get to you."
I worry that this major life change will cause him enough stress to cycle. I worry that we won't get through April without a cycle. I worry, I worry, I worry.
And then.....
I let go of my anxiety and remind myself how far Josh has come and what he's had to overcome to get here. I know that he is mindful of his mood and his sleep. He mentioned to me one day a few months ago that he thought maybe he'd been "a little manic" the prior evening.
"I realized I was chattering away, but, I'd had trouble sleeping the night before and so I got myself to bed and I've been fine since then."
I'd love to pull his girlfriend aside and let her know the things she should watch out for, but that's not my place. Maybe Josh has told her enough that she has an idea what is possible, or maybe she's taken it upon herself to acquire some knowledge on the subject?
All I know for sure is how proud I am of him. He has matured so much and taken control of his life, which means that it's easier for me to let go of that need to TRY to control a situation that is largely out of my control anyway.
We live. We learn.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Heading Towards Spring
Josh continues to be OK off of his medicine. I would say that he's not quite as good as he was while on it, but he's doing OK.
He's completely supporting himself, is maintaining a relationship with his girlfriend and the two of them got a kitten that he keeps at his apartment. He's been amazingly responsible and manages to keep his collective shit together.
I feel truly blessed.
But spring looms right up ahead there, and I'm concerned for him. Nothing would make me happier than to see him sail right through March and April, but history tells me that the likelihood of that happening is slim.
And if he does cycle, I have no idea how far down he'll allow himself to get before he reaches out for help.
I do know one thing. I've learned so much over the last couple of years and I know that this is HIS journey and that HE gets to make the decisions about his life.
I also know from past experience that he has a breaking point; a point that he reaches where he feels he can't go on in that state any longer and he asks for help.
He has shifted back into denial about having bipolar, but he's a very intelligent young man. I think if he were faced again with hypomania, he'd recognize it for what it was.
I continue to be heartbroken by the comments and emails I receive from other parents who are struggling through life with a bipolar child. It's a difficult path to walk and 'the system' does such a poor job of educating and supporting both the patient and their loved ones.
He's completely supporting himself, is maintaining a relationship with his girlfriend and the two of them got a kitten that he keeps at his apartment. He's been amazingly responsible and manages to keep his collective shit together.
I feel truly blessed.
But spring looms right up ahead there, and I'm concerned for him. Nothing would make me happier than to see him sail right through March and April, but history tells me that the likelihood of that happening is slim.
And if he does cycle, I have no idea how far down he'll allow himself to get before he reaches out for help.
I do know one thing. I've learned so much over the last couple of years and I know that this is HIS journey and that HE gets to make the decisions about his life.
I also know from past experience that he has a breaking point; a point that he reaches where he feels he can't go on in that state any longer and he asks for help.
He has shifted back into denial about having bipolar, but he's a very intelligent young man. I think if he were faced again with hypomania, he'd recognize it for what it was.
I continue to be heartbroken by the comments and emails I receive from other parents who are struggling through life with a bipolar child. It's a difficult path to walk and 'the system' does such a poor job of educating and supporting both the patient and their loved ones.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Two Long Years
Here I sit, just a little more than two years after Josh was diagnosed with Bipolar II.
A year or so in he was still in complete denial, then almost a year on very successful medications, and now, several months with no meds.
I see the changes in him, with no meds, but he's doing OK. He's snippy, with me and I'm sure with the people he works with. He complains about work when he calls me on his breaks, but when I see him, he seems mostly happy and normal.
I'm not sure what to think to be honest, but I can tell you that I feel like I'm holding my breath.
If I'm correct, and Josh cycles seasonally, I would assume he'll remain in his present state until we move into spring next year. Then again, a major stressor coming alone might send him cycling?
Right now the hardest part of this for me is knowing HOW GOOD...no...HOW GREAT...he is on meds.
I've made it clear to him that my financial support is over. He is in a position to more than support himself as a Dog Groomer. If he cycles and somehow loses that job...he's on his own.
"You have a lot at stake here Josh, I just can't imagine why you'd want to jeopardize all you've built."
The only small hope I hold onto is that a year ago, when he was suffering through hypomania, HE came to ME and asked me to help him find a doctor, feeling like he couldn't live like that.
I just hope that he gets to that point sooner this time if he cycles...you know...before he destroys this wonderful life he's built.
I'm so proud of how far he was able to come, against some pretty difficult odds (bipolar and the economy). I got a good long glimpse of who Josh is capable of being as an adult; responsible, caring, kind, loving, fun and fun loving).
I want him to be his best, and to me, he's his best self ON MEDS.
A year or so in he was still in complete denial, then almost a year on very successful medications, and now, several months with no meds.
I see the changes in him, with no meds, but he's doing OK. He's snippy, with me and I'm sure with the people he works with. He complains about work when he calls me on his breaks, but when I see him, he seems mostly happy and normal.
I'm not sure what to think to be honest, but I can tell you that I feel like I'm holding my breath.
If I'm correct, and Josh cycles seasonally, I would assume he'll remain in his present state until we move into spring next year. Then again, a major stressor coming alone might send him cycling?
Right now the hardest part of this for me is knowing HOW GOOD...no...HOW GREAT...he is on meds.
I've made it clear to him that my financial support is over. He is in a position to more than support himself as a Dog Groomer. If he cycles and somehow loses that job...he's on his own.
"You have a lot at stake here Josh, I just can't imagine why you'd want to jeopardize all you've built."
The only small hope I hold onto is that a year ago, when he was suffering through hypomania, HE came to ME and asked me to help him find a doctor, feeling like he couldn't live like that.
I just hope that he gets to that point sooner this time if he cycles...you know...before he destroys this wonderful life he's built.
I'm so proud of how far he was able to come, against some pretty difficult odds (bipolar and the economy). I got a good long glimpse of who Josh is capable of being as an adult; responsible, caring, kind, loving, fun and fun loving).
I want him to be his best, and to me, he's his best self ON MEDS.
Monday, January 30, 2012
A Life Sentence
I haven't written here in a LONG time because my life has been full of changes and Josh has been doing so well.
He continues in his job as a Dog Washer and generally loves it. He really does like dogs more than most people!
He has made new friends at work and actually has a girlfriend. He acts very responsibly in all areas of his life; keeping his apartment clean, getting oil changes...basic things we all do, but things I didn't even realize that Josh cared about doing. He's paying his own living expenses (although I'm still paying about half his rent and his health insurance and medical bills).
A couple of months ago I noticed a change in him. He seemed 'moody' and 'touchy'. He wasn't tired and he wasn't hungry (two things I know of that create a mood shift for him). I asked him if he was still taking his medicines and he told me he was. The next weekend when I saw him, he admitted that he had quit taking his anti-psychotic. He hated how lethargic it made him feel. He had been to the doctor that week and told the doctor that he'd stopped the medication. His doctor said that he was actually going to stop his anti-seizure medicine, but since Josh had stopped the other, they'd just see how that went.
Josh lost his 'shine' when he stopped that medication. That glow he had, the ever present smile and obvious joy in his face went away. It made me sad to see him in this diminished state, but slowly, as his body adjusted, he seemed to get better; not as good as he was on the medicine, but better.
Josh is going to Grooming School in mid February. He has mixed emotions about this. He has favorite breeds of dogs, like boxers, labs, german shepherds, etc, and those dogs don't get groomed, just bathed. He'll miss working with his favorite dogs. Secondly, Groomers aren't on salary, they make a 50% commission. The Groomers at his store make almost twice what he does, but that's only if they have enough work. Thirdly, Grooming School is 'free' (you have to buy about $600 worth of tools) but you have a two year commitment with the store and if you don't honor that commitment, you have to reimburse them for the education (a lot of money).
I encouraged Josh to go to Grooming School, arguing that he can still see and 'play' with his favorite dogs who are being bathed, as he has time in his schedule, and I told him that he NEEDS to make more money, that I'm just about finished subsidizing his existence.
And then.....he told me last weekend that he's going to stop taking his anti-depressant. I'm not just unhappy about this, I'm pretty pissed off at him too. I know it's his life and his decision, but I think he's doing what so many Bipolar people do.....derail their progress because they think...in their heads...that they're doing FINE and will NOT acknowledge that the medication is what's keeping them fine.
I told him how I felt, I reminded him that when he asked the doctor to add the anti-depressant, IT was what HE said made him feel better. I reminded him what his life was like before the medication and pointed out how far he's come since he began treating his Bipolar. And I told him that THIS was the worst possible time to experiment with his life...just getting ready to start Grooming School...just beginning to really be able to support himself.
Deaf ears. It all fell on deaf ears.
I said my peace, made the best points I could make and told him, "Your life, your decision, but I cannot continue to support you, so if this causes you to cycle, you are on your own."
I'm going to have one more talk with him. The tools he needs for school, he can buy at his store and they will deduct the cost out of each check, but all the groomers say their tools suck and break and have suggested he buy his tools on his own elsewhere. He asked if I could help him buy the tools and he'd pay me back. Of course I'm willing to do this, but I think my willingness to help him out financially ONCE AGAIN, is going to have a stipulation placed on it and that stipulation is that he make no more medication changes until early summer (he tends to cycle in the spring). Of course, he can agree to this and then not really take the medicine, but if he does that and things go haywire, he's gonna have to deal with the consequences. And if he feels I'm strong-arming him, he can buy the tools at the store and have them deduct the cost from his checks.
All of this reminds me that this Bipolar stuff is really a life sentence, and not just for the poor person suffering the disorder, but also for every single person who cares about them.
And I care deeply about Josh.
He continues in his job as a Dog Washer and generally loves it. He really does like dogs more than most people!
He has made new friends at work and actually has a girlfriend. He acts very responsibly in all areas of his life; keeping his apartment clean, getting oil changes...basic things we all do, but things I didn't even realize that Josh cared about doing. He's paying his own living expenses (although I'm still paying about half his rent and his health insurance and medical bills).
A couple of months ago I noticed a change in him. He seemed 'moody' and 'touchy'. He wasn't tired and he wasn't hungry (two things I know of that create a mood shift for him). I asked him if he was still taking his medicines and he told me he was. The next weekend when I saw him, he admitted that he had quit taking his anti-psychotic. He hated how lethargic it made him feel. He had been to the doctor that week and told the doctor that he'd stopped the medication. His doctor said that he was actually going to stop his anti-seizure medicine, but since Josh had stopped the other, they'd just see how that went.
Josh lost his 'shine' when he stopped that medication. That glow he had, the ever present smile and obvious joy in his face went away. It made me sad to see him in this diminished state, but slowly, as his body adjusted, he seemed to get better; not as good as he was on the medicine, but better.
Josh is going to Grooming School in mid February. He has mixed emotions about this. He has favorite breeds of dogs, like boxers, labs, german shepherds, etc, and those dogs don't get groomed, just bathed. He'll miss working with his favorite dogs. Secondly, Groomers aren't on salary, they make a 50% commission. The Groomers at his store make almost twice what he does, but that's only if they have enough work. Thirdly, Grooming School is 'free' (you have to buy about $600 worth of tools) but you have a two year commitment with the store and if you don't honor that commitment, you have to reimburse them for the education (a lot of money).
I encouraged Josh to go to Grooming School, arguing that he can still see and 'play' with his favorite dogs who are being bathed, as he has time in his schedule, and I told him that he NEEDS to make more money, that I'm just about finished subsidizing his existence.
And then.....he told me last weekend that he's going to stop taking his anti-depressant. I'm not just unhappy about this, I'm pretty pissed off at him too. I know it's his life and his decision, but I think he's doing what so many Bipolar people do.....derail their progress because they think...in their heads...that they're doing FINE and will NOT acknowledge that the medication is what's keeping them fine.
I told him how I felt, I reminded him that when he asked the doctor to add the anti-depressant, IT was what HE said made him feel better. I reminded him what his life was like before the medication and pointed out how far he's come since he began treating his Bipolar. And I told him that THIS was the worst possible time to experiment with his life...just getting ready to start Grooming School...just beginning to really be able to support himself.
Deaf ears. It all fell on deaf ears.
I said my peace, made the best points I could make and told him, "Your life, your decision, but I cannot continue to support you, so if this causes you to cycle, you are on your own."
I'm going to have one more talk with him. The tools he needs for school, he can buy at his store and they will deduct the cost out of each check, but all the groomers say their tools suck and break and have suggested he buy his tools on his own elsewhere. He asked if I could help him buy the tools and he'd pay me back. Of course I'm willing to do this, but I think my willingness to help him out financially ONCE AGAIN, is going to have a stipulation placed on it and that stipulation is that he make no more medication changes until early summer (he tends to cycle in the spring). Of course, he can agree to this and then not really take the medicine, but if he does that and things go haywire, he's gonna have to deal with the consequences. And if he feels I'm strong-arming him, he can buy the tools at the store and have them deduct the cost from his checks.
All of this reminds me that this Bipolar stuff is really a life sentence, and not just for the poor person suffering the disorder, but also for every single person who cares about them.
And I care deeply about Josh.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
In Response to a Comment
On this post, Robin commented about Josh's violent behavior a year ago and questioned his rapid cycling early this spring.
Robin, when Josh was violent it turned out to be the result of the anti-psychotic that he was on. It is one of the side effects. When he stopped the medication, ALL the violent behavior ended.
When Josh was cycling up and down so quickly, he wasn't on ANY medication at all and hadn't been for 9 months or so. He was experiencing quite a bit of stress in his life at the time. This is when he actually sought medical help for the first time and the doctor said he was experiencing hypomanic episodes.
Does that clear it up?
Thanks for the comment
Robin, when Josh was violent it turned out to be the result of the anti-psychotic that he was on. It is one of the side effects. When he stopped the medication, ALL the violent behavior ended.
When Josh was cycling up and down so quickly, he wasn't on ANY medication at all and hadn't been for 9 months or so. He was experiencing quite a bit of stress in his life at the time. This is when he actually sought medical help for the first time and the doctor said he was experiencing hypomanic episodes.
Does that clear it up?
Thanks for the comment
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
It's Just Too Sad
In just ONE week, these are the searches that brought people to this blog:
boyfriend is mean to my bi polar son
can i ever stop worring about my bipolar son
for the love of god i can not handle my bipolar son
how to explain to child that mom has bipolar
meds overcharge
mom of bipolar son
my bipolar son took his life
my perspective on bipolar
my son is 21 and said he has never been happy, always bored
my son is hopeless
What these searches remind me of is twofold. First that there are SO many people struggling as I have with their bipolar children, but secondly, and probably most important to note, is how many people are left to turn to the internet for information and support.
Our society has GOT to get with the program and put an end to the stigma attached to mental illness, and the mental health profession has got to begin doing a better job of educating and supporting not only the Bipolar patient, but the families and loved ones of someone diagnosed with this disorder.
Every single thing I know about Bipolar, I learned from reading books and searching the internet. It shouldn't BE that way. When Josh was diagnosed while hospitalized, I received NO information and ZERO support. Our journey through this disorder could have been so much easier if I had been educated and if there was ongoing support available to assist me as questions and problems cropped up.
I attended our local Bipolar Support Group, and that was incredibly helpful but desperation led me there. I am 100% convinced that the experience of Bipolar could be very different if more attention was given to education and support of loved ones.
Everyone who reads here and emails me says that it helps to know they're not alone with all this. Sadly, they are not. As parents of Bipolar children we are in a club none of us signed up for, and the number of members in this club is staggering. The saddest truth is that this is a club we'll belong to the rest of our lives.
How true is the search, "can I ever stop worrying about my Bipolar son."
I KNOW the answer to that one. No. I don't think it will matter how well Josh is doing, now or in the future, 'worry' will always be there for me, no matter how far in the background I try to force it.
Because of the stigma attached to mental illness, many people don't share their struggle with the people in their lives, but how is the stigma ever going to be diminished if we don't TALK about this? I openly share my experience with this disorder with anyone willing to listen, yet I also try very hard to respect Josh's wishes. His cousins STILL don't know about his illness. I'm sure they wonder, "what the hell happened?" as they've watched their cousin's life spin out of control. But he isn't comfortable sharing this with them, and so they're left to wonder.
Things have to change and each one of us are responsible for making that change happen. I for one am beginning the process of identifying how to do that. I have no idea WHO to contact, but I'm going to go back to the internet and figure out the best options for having my voice heard.
I refuse to struggle in silence. This blog has allowed me to connect with people who are struggling as I am, but I feel compelled to take my story to a broader audience. It's not enough to get through the tough times, I want to make people's struggles easier in the future.
boyfriend is mean to my bi polar son
can i ever stop worring about my bipolar son
for the love of god i can not handle my bipolar son
how to explain to child that mom has bipolar
meds overcharge
mom of bipolar son
my bipolar son took his life
my perspective on bipolar
my son is 21 and said he has never been happy, always bored
my son is hopeless
What these searches remind me of is twofold. First that there are SO many people struggling as I have with their bipolar children, but secondly, and probably most important to note, is how many people are left to turn to the internet for information and support.
Our society has GOT to get with the program and put an end to the stigma attached to mental illness, and the mental health profession has got to begin doing a better job of educating and supporting not only the Bipolar patient, but the families and loved ones of someone diagnosed with this disorder.
Every single thing I know about Bipolar, I learned from reading books and searching the internet. It shouldn't BE that way. When Josh was diagnosed while hospitalized, I received NO information and ZERO support. Our journey through this disorder could have been so much easier if I had been educated and if there was ongoing support available to assist me as questions and problems cropped up.
I attended our local Bipolar Support Group, and that was incredibly helpful but desperation led me there. I am 100% convinced that the experience of Bipolar could be very different if more attention was given to education and support of loved ones.
Everyone who reads here and emails me says that it helps to know they're not alone with all this. Sadly, they are not. As parents of Bipolar children we are in a club none of us signed up for, and the number of members in this club is staggering. The saddest truth is that this is a club we'll belong to the rest of our lives.
How true is the search, "can I ever stop worrying about my Bipolar son."
I KNOW the answer to that one. No. I don't think it will matter how well Josh is doing, now or in the future, 'worry' will always be there for me, no matter how far in the background I try to force it.
Because of the stigma attached to mental illness, many people don't share their struggle with the people in their lives, but how is the stigma ever going to be diminished if we don't TALK about this? I openly share my experience with this disorder with anyone willing to listen, yet I also try very hard to respect Josh's wishes. His cousins STILL don't know about his illness. I'm sure they wonder, "what the hell happened?" as they've watched their cousin's life spin out of control. But he isn't comfortable sharing this with them, and so they're left to wonder.
Things have to change and each one of us are responsible for making that change happen. I for one am beginning the process of identifying how to do that. I have no idea WHO to contact, but I'm going to go back to the internet and figure out the best options for having my voice heard.
I refuse to struggle in silence. This blog has allowed me to connect with people who are struggling as I am, but I feel compelled to take my story to a broader audience. It's not enough to get through the tough times, I want to make people's struggles easier in the future.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Oh the Difference!
Josh began working last week and so far he's enjoying it. He's worked four days in a row, pretty long days, and when he stops by after work, he's tired.
But he's also very happy, full of stories about the dogs he worked with that day. He's finding the differences in dogs very interesting and their different personalities amuse him.
As I've spent time with Josh over the last month, the changes in him are stunning. His mood is very stable, the Josh I saw yesterday, is the same Josh who will walk in my door today. As he prepared to begin this job, there seemed to be very little anxiety about it; what I would consider to be 'normal' anxiety. He hasn't taken his anxiety medicine in months, feeling like he doesn't need it.
He told me recently that he considers himself to be happy and that the anti-depressant seems to have really made a difference for him. Yet, he also feels like he's 'boring', "my thoughts are so boring to me, I miss my insane mind."
We discussed this, the fact that many people who are on medications for Bipolar feel that way. "But Josh, an insane mind doesn't produce a happy, successful life. The doctor is going to begin removing some of your meds soon, so maybe you'll find that some of the creative thoughts you're missing will return."
Here's an example of a change I see in Josh that really surprises me. He gets up for work two hours before he needs to leave, feeling like he enjoys some time in the morning before work. This from my son who has always hit the snooze button until the last possible minute, or beyond, IF he even heard the alarm at all. He sets FOUR alarms, afraid of oversleeping, but wakes up every day when the first alarm goes off. "Then I have to run around and shut off the other three alarms, it's kinda nuts!" His sleep schedule is right side up for the first time in a long time.
It's these seemingly small changes in Josh's general routines that surprise me, in a good way.
I've also noticed that he willingly does things to help me out; small things, but in the past if I'd asked Josh to, say, help me move something, he'd have balked and complained and acted as if I'd asked him to rebuild my house from the ground up.
The journey to THIS place has been so long and difficult, and I feel so blessed that every single day I get to actually 'enjoy' my son again.
Will this last? Who knows, and that's probably one of the more difficult aspects of this disorder. So many people struggle and finally find 'normal', only to lose it again somewhere along the line.
I've been in this living hell called Bipolar long enough to know that my job right now as Josh's mother is to be there for him as he begins rediscovering life. I am mindful of the facts; I know this could all go tits up at any time, but I have laid my fears of this aside and tasked myself with simply being in each individual moment, and I thank God when I pray every night and ask that God continue to move through Josh's life.
But he's also very happy, full of stories about the dogs he worked with that day. He's finding the differences in dogs very interesting and their different personalities amuse him.
As I've spent time with Josh over the last month, the changes in him are stunning. His mood is very stable, the Josh I saw yesterday, is the same Josh who will walk in my door today. As he prepared to begin this job, there seemed to be very little anxiety about it; what I would consider to be 'normal' anxiety. He hasn't taken his anxiety medicine in months, feeling like he doesn't need it.
He told me recently that he considers himself to be happy and that the anti-depressant seems to have really made a difference for him. Yet, he also feels like he's 'boring', "my thoughts are so boring to me, I miss my insane mind."
We discussed this, the fact that many people who are on medications for Bipolar feel that way. "But Josh, an insane mind doesn't produce a happy, successful life. The doctor is going to begin removing some of your meds soon, so maybe you'll find that some of the creative thoughts you're missing will return."
Here's an example of a change I see in Josh that really surprises me. He gets up for work two hours before he needs to leave, feeling like he enjoys some time in the morning before work. This from my son who has always hit the snooze button until the last possible minute, or beyond, IF he even heard the alarm at all. He sets FOUR alarms, afraid of oversleeping, but wakes up every day when the first alarm goes off. "Then I have to run around and shut off the other three alarms, it's kinda nuts!" His sleep schedule is right side up for the first time in a long time.
It's these seemingly small changes in Josh's general routines that surprise me, in a good way.
I've also noticed that he willingly does things to help me out; small things, but in the past if I'd asked Josh to, say, help me move something, he'd have balked and complained and acted as if I'd asked him to rebuild my house from the ground up.
The journey to THIS place has been so long and difficult, and I feel so blessed that every single day I get to actually 'enjoy' my son again.
Will this last? Who knows, and that's probably one of the more difficult aspects of this disorder. So many people struggle and finally find 'normal', only to lose it again somewhere along the line.
I've been in this living hell called Bipolar long enough to know that my job right now as Josh's mother is to be there for him as he begins rediscovering life. I am mindful of the facts; I know this could all go tits up at any time, but I have laid my fears of this aside and tasked myself with simply being in each individual moment, and I thank God when I pray every night and ask that God continue to move through Josh's life.
Monday, August 29, 2011
He Got the JOB!!!
Josh got the job he was wanting. Hopefully things will continue looking up for him.
He deserves it, he's a good kid who has gone through hell.
He deserves it, he's a good kid who has gone through hell.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Almost a Month to the Day Later
It's been almost a month since I posted my last fairly frantic post. Josh is still in treatment and doing fairly well mood wise.
He's yet to find a job, although he HAD a job offer contingent on passing a drug test. But, oh, he had smoked pot with his friend a week and a half or so prior to the drug test, so who knows if he'll actually pass it and get the job or not. If he doesn't, I HOPE it is a lesson for him.
He has made reference to his 'bipolar' lately, as if he might actually accept that he has it.
In this journey I remind myself to look at how far we've come. He's in treatment, his mood is pretty stable, he actually cares about keeping his apartment clean, his laundry done. He's trying to eat more healthy foods and he's been working out regularly, and it shows.
During the first two months on medication he had gained 25 pounds. He needed the extra weight, but he has turned it all into muscle. He looks really good.
So that's where we are today. I try very hard to appreciate the positive changes and have patience with the job thing, but sometimes I get frustrated. Still, in the end, I'd rather have him where he IS than homeless, or in a psych ward or dead.
I appreciate all your comments and the private emails I receive. It all makes me realize just how many parents are struggling right along with me and my heart and prayers go out to each and every one of you and your children.
He's yet to find a job, although he HAD a job offer contingent on passing a drug test. But, oh, he had smoked pot with his friend a week and a half or so prior to the drug test, so who knows if he'll actually pass it and get the job or not. If he doesn't, I HOPE it is a lesson for him.
He has made reference to his 'bipolar' lately, as if he might actually accept that he has it.
In this journey I remind myself to look at how far we've come. He's in treatment, his mood is pretty stable, he actually cares about keeping his apartment clean, his laundry done. He's trying to eat more healthy foods and he's been working out regularly, and it shows.
During the first two months on medication he had gained 25 pounds. He needed the extra weight, but he has turned it all into muscle. He looks really good.
So that's where we are today. I try very hard to appreciate the positive changes and have patience with the job thing, but sometimes I get frustrated. Still, in the end, I'd rather have him where he IS than homeless, or in a psych ward or dead.
I appreciate all your comments and the private emails I receive. It all makes me realize just how many parents are struggling right along with me and my heart and prayers go out to each and every one of you and your children.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
It's Never Easy
Josh's continued unemployment concerns me, for two reasons. One I think a job would help him get on a much needed schedule; add some structure to his life, plus he's bored and lonely, so it would help with that. And of course secondly, I'd like him to begin supporting himself. It is a financial burden to be totally supporting him right now.
He can't seem to get his sleep turned round. He sleeps all day, until 4 or 5 PM. He needs to be up during daytime hours so he can actually look for a job!
In addition to that concern, I'm concerned in general. He still doesn't really WANT to believe he's bipolar and the things he's said make me realize that he isn't looking at medication as a long term thing. He'd love to not be taking them.
So I called his therapist yesterday to voice my concerns. Josh has never signed a release form so that I can communicate with his new doctors, so I knew that I would only be able to give information to his therapist; his therapist wouldn't be able to give me any information.
I told his therapist of my concerns, that I'm totally supporting Josh, what our arrangement is, and that I'm frustrated that Josh's sleep schedule is such that it doesn't help with the job search. I told him that I never know how hard to push Josh, not wanting to create anxiety or stress for him, but also not knowing which side of that fine line between enabling and helping I'm walking on. I told him Josh still doesn't really accept the diagnosis and isn't thrilled being on meds.
He asked me, "Do you believe Josh is Bipolar?"
"Yes. It breaks my heart, but I've learned enough about it to be pretty sure he's gotten the right diagnosis. I can't find anything else that explains what happened to his life. He was my easy child, and while he'd tell you he's never been happy, I would tell you that through his high school years, he was an easy going, fun loving, responsible...great kid. And then it all went south, his life got totally derailed. But he doesn't accept this diagnosis yet and he told me the other day he wants to move to his dad's property eventually and stop taking his meds so he can be HIM again."
I got pretty emotional as I talked, I'm sure the guy probably thinks I'm either A) a very loving and concerned mother or B) a complete and total nut case.
Either way, he said, "Well, this is very helpful information to have. Actually, I see Josh tomorrow and I'm going to tell him I've talked to you and ask him to sign a release form because I think having you involved could help the process along."
"Well, Josh is coming for dinner tonight and I'll tell him I talked to you too, but he may be resistant to signing a form. He might even be mad I called you, but you know, I'm SO glad he's in treatment, but I still see his mood shifting around and in general I worry about him."
"Well, I'm worried about him too, actually very concerned."
"Are you afraid he's suicidal?"
"He says he's not, but....and I can't say too much here, but I'm very concerned about his hopelessness, I've actually called him several times just to check on him."
"Yes, he doesn't see how anything good is in his future, his negativity is a real problem."
"Yes.....but that's about all I can say right now."
"Well, I've considered coming down a bit harder on him, pushing him to get his sleep turned around and work harder at getting a job. But like everything else with this disorder, I never know HOW to handle any of this."
"Right now, I think pushing him at all would not be a good idea. We're at the beginning of this stuff and I think we need to work on where his head is at right now and I don't think he can handle much stress right now."
"OK. And see, that's the kind of help *I* need with this. I'm like a fish out of water, I never know the best thing to do."
We ended our conversation and I thought about how I would even tell Josh that I'd talked to his therapist. I knew there was a good chance he'd be angry. I have at least gotten better at gauging his mood and knowing when to try to talk to him about things. I hoped his mood when I saw him would allow us to talk about this.
When Josh came for dinner, it seemed initially that he was not in a great mood. He'd brought laundry with him to do and was trying to carry it in and my new puppy was all over him. She loves him. When I say, "Josh is coming to see you later!" she walks over to the front door expecting him to BE THERE.
As a side note, the happiest I see Josh lately is when he's with my two dogs. The older dog always loved him, then during the time leading up to his mania, he would get so angry and yell, etc, and it scared our dog. THEN when he came home from the hospital, the seroquel he was on caused terrible rages, and those rages REALLY scared our dog. She remained frightened of him for most of the last year, not quite sure about him anymore. Happily, their relationship has improved since Josh moved out. He is so happy to see her, she can't help but realize that he's safe to love again.
But anyway, when he came in last night he seemed a bit frustrated, but he quickly began laughing and smiling again as he played with the dogs and talked to me. At one point, there was a natural segue for me when he was talking about his therapist.
"Yea, I actually talked to him today on the phone."
"Why?!!"
"Well, I'm concerned about you honey and mostly I wanted to get some guidance from him."
"You worry too much! Why can't you just stop worrying and let me live my life?"
"Well, part of it is that I'm totally FUNDING your life right now Josh, and your sleep schedule isn't conducive to really finding a job, but mostly, I don't really know what you're capable of doing right now. I thought he could help me with that. I'm trying to HELP you and I don't want to be doing things that might not be helping. He's going to ask you to sign a release tomorrow so that he and I can talk, NOT about personal things, but so that, in general, he can guide me to help you better."
"Well, I'm not signing a release form, and Mom, you're doing all you can right now. Like this, just having me over or dinner or when we go to the movies. Those are the things you do that help me, the rest I've just got to figure out."
"OK, well, that's your choice, but try to look at it from my perspective. I'm PAYING for all your visits and if it would HELP the process, why wouldn't you allow me to talk to him?"
"Because I like him mom. He's the first therapist I've had that I actually like, and that's important, and I don't want you telling him lies and interfering. Because if you get involved, I'll have to be looking for a new therapist again."
Josh feels like when he and I saw his therapist, Peter, during the time right after his suicidal period, leading up to his mania, that I 'lied' to Peter. Actually, I sat there with the two of them and was HONEST about Josh's behavior. His refusal to help with chores, get out of bed for class, his disrespect towards me etc. We were trying to slowly get him to take responsibility for himself, and he's STILL struggling with many of those same issues. But he views all that as me lying to his therapist.
But I understand Josh's position....to a point. His relationship with his therapist is vital and I DON'T want to do anything to change that. I think more than anything Josh felt like it was Peter and I AGAINST him, when in fact we were both trying to help. The way he views what happened with Peter is WRONG, but it's his perception and so I have to keep that in mind.
Throughout the night, Josh would bring up the subject of signing a release. "How do you think it would help?"
"Well Josh, sometimes I don't KNOW what to do, but more important I don't know what NOT to do. He could help me with that."
Even though we talked about it a lot all night, Josh never really changed his mind.
So I'm going to leave a message for his therapist to call me today before he sees Josh tonight and tell him that Josh didn't seem willing to have me get involved and that I'd rather the therapist not push it too hard right now. But I need to tell him that in dealing with Josh, the one thing he needs to know is that while Josh was doing very well up to the time his Bipolar began impacting him, that he has ALWAYS been immature, even as a kindergartner, he lagged behind his peers in maturity and THAT is about HALF of the problem we're facing. I think his therapist needs to know this to effectively work with Josh. He needs to know that even before Bipolar, while Josh was happy and a good student and responsible with his schoolwork and his part time job work, he NEVER stepped up to the plate, he never wanted to really grow up. He was often disrespectful to me (NEVER anyone else), lazy and unmotivated (doing his schoolwork and his job work, but never doing MUCH else) and all those negatives were magnified by the Bipolar.
I told Josh last night how glad I am that he's in treatment and that I think his short term goal right now should be continuing to work on his life skills (he's begun working out more, is more conscious of eating regularly, has been working with his therapist on social skills etc) and one he really needs to try very hard to address is his sleep schedule. "You need to be militant about a set bedtime, and stay within an hour or two of it. You just can't allow yourself to keep sliding back to sleeping during the day honey."
And I told him that he should probably stop looking for full time work and find a part time job that fits his daytime schedule and is the type of job that has as little stress as possible. "Listen, I know you feel you NEED a full time job, but I think we should take baby steps here honey. Since you've started your medication we don't KNOW what you can handle stress wise, so lets start small. While ultimately I'd like you to be able to fully support yourself, for right now if you're only able to cover your gas and groceries with your job, that's enough."
He told me how badly he wants to work. How hard it is to have all this time on his hands. "Don't you think I want the same thing you do? I hate living like this Mom, I WANT to work."
He also said he'd like to run for exercise but he has no running shoes, "And even if I WAS working, I probably couldn't afford them anyway."
Because I WANT him to develop good health habits, I'm going to tell him to take my charge card and buy a pair of running shoes. It might be a waste of money; he might get them and then never really develop the habit of running, but it's important enough that I'm willing to spend the money in the hopes he will run. I'll tell him that he needs to start slowly with it, but run everyday and that within just a few weeks he will have developed the habit of running. It could be a lifelong positive addition to his life. He could use the endorphins if nothing else.
I'm able to continue supporting him now that I have a new job, but on the other hand, every dime I spend on him is one dime I could be applying towards the debt I've amassed over the last couple of years, so I WANT him to eventually be able to stand on his own two feet.
He did ask me last night, "Do you think I should consider disability?"
"Well, that's up to you Josh, the only problem I see with it is what your social worker told me, that it WILL limit your life. We don't really know yet what you are capable of handling, you just started meds, so my opinion would be not to do it YET, it's something we can always do later if we find you just can't handle full time work."
"OK. Sometimes I feel like I can, and other times I'm afraid I can't."
We also talked about his old bedroom. I was going to have my handymen paint it, for $200. "You know Josh, when I asked you if you'd help me paint your old room, there was NO WAY you would help me. That kind of hurts. You know what I've been through lately; all I've had to do around here, and it hurts that in spite of all I've done to help YOU, you don't WANT to help me out. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I'm trying to point out that sometimes in life it's appropriate to help others, not only is it appropriate, it can make you feel good that you were able to help someone. I'm spending so much money helping you, I hate to spend more money to have that room painted."
"How much are they charging you?"
"$200"
"Yea, that's almost half my rent........well, I'll paint it, but will you help me? I've never painted a ceiling before, and it would be nice if we did it together."
"Of course I'll help, but I've never painted a ceiling before either. I've never painted WALLS before, but I'm pretty good at trim work now!"
You can bet that when we get the room painted, he's going to get a lot of positive comments from me, about how good of job he did, how much I appreciate it and all that. I think he NEEDS that so he can learn how nice it does feel to help others out. There are so many lessons like this that he should have learned by now, and I can't help but feel I've failed him as a parent in these areas. But it's never too late to learn!
So, as usual, we're not where we need to be, but we seem to be continually moving forward, no matter how small the steps seem to be.
He can't seem to get his sleep turned round. He sleeps all day, until 4 or 5 PM. He needs to be up during daytime hours so he can actually look for a job!
In addition to that concern, I'm concerned in general. He still doesn't really WANT to believe he's bipolar and the things he's said make me realize that he isn't looking at medication as a long term thing. He'd love to not be taking them.
So I called his therapist yesterday to voice my concerns. Josh has never signed a release form so that I can communicate with his new doctors, so I knew that I would only be able to give information to his therapist; his therapist wouldn't be able to give me any information.
I told his therapist of my concerns, that I'm totally supporting Josh, what our arrangement is, and that I'm frustrated that Josh's sleep schedule is such that it doesn't help with the job search. I told him that I never know how hard to push Josh, not wanting to create anxiety or stress for him, but also not knowing which side of that fine line between enabling and helping I'm walking on. I told him Josh still doesn't really accept the diagnosis and isn't thrilled being on meds.
He asked me, "Do you believe Josh is Bipolar?"
"Yes. It breaks my heart, but I've learned enough about it to be pretty sure he's gotten the right diagnosis. I can't find anything else that explains what happened to his life. He was my easy child, and while he'd tell you he's never been happy, I would tell you that through his high school years, he was an easy going, fun loving, responsible...great kid. And then it all went south, his life got totally derailed. But he doesn't accept this diagnosis yet and he told me the other day he wants to move to his dad's property eventually and stop taking his meds so he can be HIM again."
I got pretty emotional as I talked, I'm sure the guy probably thinks I'm either A) a very loving and concerned mother or B) a complete and total nut case.
Either way, he said, "Well, this is very helpful information to have. Actually, I see Josh tomorrow and I'm going to tell him I've talked to you and ask him to sign a release form because I think having you involved could help the process along."
"Well, Josh is coming for dinner tonight and I'll tell him I talked to you too, but he may be resistant to signing a form. He might even be mad I called you, but you know, I'm SO glad he's in treatment, but I still see his mood shifting around and in general I worry about him."
"Well, I'm worried about him too, actually very concerned."
"Are you afraid he's suicidal?"
"He says he's not, but....and I can't say too much here, but I'm very concerned about his hopelessness, I've actually called him several times just to check on him."
"Yes, he doesn't see how anything good is in his future, his negativity is a real problem."
"Yes.....but that's about all I can say right now."
"Well, I've considered coming down a bit harder on him, pushing him to get his sleep turned around and work harder at getting a job. But like everything else with this disorder, I never know HOW to handle any of this."
"Right now, I think pushing him at all would not be a good idea. We're at the beginning of this stuff and I think we need to work on where his head is at right now and I don't think he can handle much stress right now."
"OK. And see, that's the kind of help *I* need with this. I'm like a fish out of water, I never know the best thing to do."
We ended our conversation and I thought about how I would even tell Josh that I'd talked to his therapist. I knew there was a good chance he'd be angry. I have at least gotten better at gauging his mood and knowing when to try to talk to him about things. I hoped his mood when I saw him would allow us to talk about this.
When Josh came for dinner, it seemed initially that he was not in a great mood. He'd brought laundry with him to do and was trying to carry it in and my new puppy was all over him. She loves him. When I say, "Josh is coming to see you later!" she walks over to the front door expecting him to BE THERE.
As a side note, the happiest I see Josh lately is when he's with my two dogs. The older dog always loved him, then during the time leading up to his mania, he would get so angry and yell, etc, and it scared our dog. THEN when he came home from the hospital, the seroquel he was on caused terrible rages, and those rages REALLY scared our dog. She remained frightened of him for most of the last year, not quite sure about him anymore. Happily, their relationship has improved since Josh moved out. He is so happy to see her, she can't help but realize that he's safe to love again.
But anyway, when he came in last night he seemed a bit frustrated, but he quickly began laughing and smiling again as he played with the dogs and talked to me. At one point, there was a natural segue for me when he was talking about his therapist.
"Yea, I actually talked to him today on the phone."
"Why?!!"
"Well, I'm concerned about you honey and mostly I wanted to get some guidance from him."
"You worry too much! Why can't you just stop worrying and let me live my life?"
"Well, part of it is that I'm totally FUNDING your life right now Josh, and your sleep schedule isn't conducive to really finding a job, but mostly, I don't really know what you're capable of doing right now. I thought he could help me with that. I'm trying to HELP you and I don't want to be doing things that might not be helping. He's going to ask you to sign a release tomorrow so that he and I can talk, NOT about personal things, but so that, in general, he can guide me to help you better."
"Well, I'm not signing a release form, and Mom, you're doing all you can right now. Like this, just having me over or dinner or when we go to the movies. Those are the things you do that help me, the rest I've just got to figure out."
"OK, well, that's your choice, but try to look at it from my perspective. I'm PAYING for all your visits and if it would HELP the process, why wouldn't you allow me to talk to him?"
"Because I like him mom. He's the first therapist I've had that I actually like, and that's important, and I don't want you telling him lies and interfering. Because if you get involved, I'll have to be looking for a new therapist again."
Josh feels like when he and I saw his therapist, Peter, during the time right after his suicidal period, leading up to his mania, that I 'lied' to Peter. Actually, I sat there with the two of them and was HONEST about Josh's behavior. His refusal to help with chores, get out of bed for class, his disrespect towards me etc. We were trying to slowly get him to take responsibility for himself, and he's STILL struggling with many of those same issues. But he views all that as me lying to his therapist.
But I understand Josh's position....to a point. His relationship with his therapist is vital and I DON'T want to do anything to change that. I think more than anything Josh felt like it was Peter and I AGAINST him, when in fact we were both trying to help. The way he views what happened with Peter is WRONG, but it's his perception and so I have to keep that in mind.
Throughout the night, Josh would bring up the subject of signing a release. "How do you think it would help?"
"Well Josh, sometimes I don't KNOW what to do, but more important I don't know what NOT to do. He could help me with that."
Even though we talked about it a lot all night, Josh never really changed his mind.
So I'm going to leave a message for his therapist to call me today before he sees Josh tonight and tell him that Josh didn't seem willing to have me get involved and that I'd rather the therapist not push it too hard right now. But I need to tell him that in dealing with Josh, the one thing he needs to know is that while Josh was doing very well up to the time his Bipolar began impacting him, that he has ALWAYS been immature, even as a kindergartner, he lagged behind his peers in maturity and THAT is about HALF of the problem we're facing. I think his therapist needs to know this to effectively work with Josh. He needs to know that even before Bipolar, while Josh was happy and a good student and responsible with his schoolwork and his part time job work, he NEVER stepped up to the plate, he never wanted to really grow up. He was often disrespectful to me (NEVER anyone else), lazy and unmotivated (doing his schoolwork and his job work, but never doing MUCH else) and all those negatives were magnified by the Bipolar.
I told Josh last night how glad I am that he's in treatment and that I think his short term goal right now should be continuing to work on his life skills (he's begun working out more, is more conscious of eating regularly, has been working with his therapist on social skills etc) and one he really needs to try very hard to address is his sleep schedule. "You need to be militant about a set bedtime, and stay within an hour or two of it. You just can't allow yourself to keep sliding back to sleeping during the day honey."
And I told him that he should probably stop looking for full time work and find a part time job that fits his daytime schedule and is the type of job that has as little stress as possible. "Listen, I know you feel you NEED a full time job, but I think we should take baby steps here honey. Since you've started your medication we don't KNOW what you can handle stress wise, so lets start small. While ultimately I'd like you to be able to fully support yourself, for right now if you're only able to cover your gas and groceries with your job, that's enough."
He told me how badly he wants to work. How hard it is to have all this time on his hands. "Don't you think I want the same thing you do? I hate living like this Mom, I WANT to work."
He also said he'd like to run for exercise but he has no running shoes, "And even if I WAS working, I probably couldn't afford them anyway."
Because I WANT him to develop good health habits, I'm going to tell him to take my charge card and buy a pair of running shoes. It might be a waste of money; he might get them and then never really develop the habit of running, but it's important enough that I'm willing to spend the money in the hopes he will run. I'll tell him that he needs to start slowly with it, but run everyday and that within just a few weeks he will have developed the habit of running. It could be a lifelong positive addition to his life. He could use the endorphins if nothing else.
I'm able to continue supporting him now that I have a new job, but on the other hand, every dime I spend on him is one dime I could be applying towards the debt I've amassed over the last couple of years, so I WANT him to eventually be able to stand on his own two feet.
He did ask me last night, "Do you think I should consider disability?"
"Well, that's up to you Josh, the only problem I see with it is what your social worker told me, that it WILL limit your life. We don't really know yet what you are capable of handling, you just started meds, so my opinion would be not to do it YET, it's something we can always do later if we find you just can't handle full time work."
"OK. Sometimes I feel like I can, and other times I'm afraid I can't."
We also talked about his old bedroom. I was going to have my handymen paint it, for $200. "You know Josh, when I asked you if you'd help me paint your old room, there was NO WAY you would help me. That kind of hurts. You know what I've been through lately; all I've had to do around here, and it hurts that in spite of all I've done to help YOU, you don't WANT to help me out. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I'm trying to point out that sometimes in life it's appropriate to help others, not only is it appropriate, it can make you feel good that you were able to help someone. I'm spending so much money helping you, I hate to spend more money to have that room painted."
"How much are they charging you?"
"$200"
"Yea, that's almost half my rent........well, I'll paint it, but will you help me? I've never painted a ceiling before, and it would be nice if we did it together."
"Of course I'll help, but I've never painted a ceiling before either. I've never painted WALLS before, but I'm pretty good at trim work now!"
You can bet that when we get the room painted, he's going to get a lot of positive comments from me, about how good of job he did, how much I appreciate it and all that. I think he NEEDS that so he can learn how nice it does feel to help others out. There are so many lessons like this that he should have learned by now, and I can't help but feel I've failed him as a parent in these areas. But it's never too late to learn!
So, as usual, we're not where we need to be, but we seem to be continually moving forward, no matter how small the steps seem to be.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Forward Movement Would be Nice
It will seem a bit ungrateful of me to say this, but I'm beginning to feel pretty frustrated with Josh.
I am SO glad that he's on medications and seeing a therapist. For that alone I will be eternally grateful, but since that process began, and he quit his highly stressful, night job, nothing much else has happened.
It's been six weeks (six weeks where he has one of MY credit cards to use for gas and food, etc. Six weeks of me paying all his bills), and he still hasn't found work.
I have told him, over and over again, that applying for jobs online probably isn't going to get the job done. "You need to walk in and fill out an application and then follow up the next day with a call when there is a place with a sign advertising help wanted.
I can't get him to do this.
He saw his therapist yesterday and then he and I went out for dinner.
"I have something to ask you Mom."
"OK."
"Well, when my lease is up, how would you feel about me living with you again?"
Not good, that's the real, true answer, but of course I didn't SAY that.
"I don't know, it would depend on a lot of things I guess. Why would you want to do that though? I thought you wanted the independence of a place of your own."
"Well, I want a HOME of my own, not an apartment. If I could live with you for a year or two, I could save money for a house. Dad said that I could build a cabin like his, on his property, and if I paid for the shell, he'd help me finish the interior. It's only $5,000 for the shell."
"OK, but I imagine the interior stuff has got to run $10,000 or more."
"You think it would be that much, even if we did all the work?"
"Probably. You're talking kitchen and bath fixtures, kitchen appliances, a heating/ac unit, so yea, with insulation, plumbing, electrical, drywall, I bet it could be at least that. Then there's flooring too."
"Well, I guess I'd have to live with you more like two years then."
"Well Josh, I'm open to discussing it as we get closer to the time that your lease runs out, but for right now, you need to get a job. I'm a little concerned though, at the thought of you living in such isolation. I know there's a town close by where you could possibly find work, but all your friends will be several hours away from you. I'm not sure if that's the best thing for you. And I hate the thought of you being that far away from me too, with no cell phone reception."
"I guess I'd have to make new friends. Maybe it's a pipe dream, but I feel like I want to be ME again. On this medicine, well, I function better and the anti-depressant has helped too, but this isn't me."
"I know you'd love to live surrounded by the woods and all, but Josh, without medication you'd be living in a bad mental state most of the time. It would become hard for you to hold down a job again. While it SOUNDS like an answer to you, I can see many problems with the whole thing, but we can talk about it further in six months or so, ok?"
So even though my boy is on medication and doing better, this isn't something he can see himself doing long term. I'm not terribly shocked by that, yet it still disheartens me.
I'm going to leave a message for his therapist and ask that he call me. While he doesn't have permission to share information with ME, I feel the need to share my point of view with HIM. Josh sees him again Wednesday, and it doesn't escape my notice that this therapist is scheduling Josh twice a week now, instead of once every two weeks. I'm sure he sees a real need for intervention here and so do I, so I'll intervene as I'm able.
But no, I don't want Josh living here. I don't think that's in his best interest or my own.
Oh, and he's gained TWENTY pounds since starting his meds. It looks GOOD on him, it does, but much more weight and it's NOT gonna look so good on him.
I am SO glad that he's on medications and seeing a therapist. For that alone I will be eternally grateful, but since that process began, and he quit his highly stressful, night job, nothing much else has happened.
It's been six weeks (six weeks where he has one of MY credit cards to use for gas and food, etc. Six weeks of me paying all his bills), and he still hasn't found work.
I have told him, over and over again, that applying for jobs online probably isn't going to get the job done. "You need to walk in and fill out an application and then follow up the next day with a call when there is a place with a sign advertising help wanted.
I can't get him to do this.
He saw his therapist yesterday and then he and I went out for dinner.
"I have something to ask you Mom."
"OK."
"Well, when my lease is up, how would you feel about me living with you again?"
Not good, that's the real, true answer, but of course I didn't SAY that.
"I don't know, it would depend on a lot of things I guess. Why would you want to do that though? I thought you wanted the independence of a place of your own."
"Well, I want a HOME of my own, not an apartment. If I could live with you for a year or two, I could save money for a house. Dad said that I could build a cabin like his, on his property, and if I paid for the shell, he'd help me finish the interior. It's only $5,000 for the shell."
"OK, but I imagine the interior stuff has got to run $10,000 or more."
"You think it would be that much, even if we did all the work?"
"Probably. You're talking kitchen and bath fixtures, kitchen appliances, a heating/ac unit, so yea, with insulation, plumbing, electrical, drywall, I bet it could be at least that. Then there's flooring too."
"Well, I guess I'd have to live with you more like two years then."
"Well Josh, I'm open to discussing it as we get closer to the time that your lease runs out, but for right now, you need to get a job. I'm a little concerned though, at the thought of you living in such isolation. I know there's a town close by where you could possibly find work, but all your friends will be several hours away from you. I'm not sure if that's the best thing for you. And I hate the thought of you being that far away from me too, with no cell phone reception."
"I guess I'd have to make new friends. Maybe it's a pipe dream, but I feel like I want to be ME again. On this medicine, well, I function better and the anti-depressant has helped too, but this isn't me."
"I know you'd love to live surrounded by the woods and all, but Josh, without medication you'd be living in a bad mental state most of the time. It would become hard for you to hold down a job again. While it SOUNDS like an answer to you, I can see many problems with the whole thing, but we can talk about it further in six months or so, ok?"
So even though my boy is on medication and doing better, this isn't something he can see himself doing long term. I'm not terribly shocked by that, yet it still disheartens me.
I'm going to leave a message for his therapist and ask that he call me. While he doesn't have permission to share information with ME, I feel the need to share my point of view with HIM. Josh sees him again Wednesday, and it doesn't escape my notice that this therapist is scheduling Josh twice a week now, instead of once every two weeks. I'm sure he sees a real need for intervention here and so do I, so I'll intervene as I'm able.
But no, I don't want Josh living here. I don't think that's in his best interest or my own.
Oh, and he's gained TWENTY pounds since starting his meds. It looks GOOD on him, it does, but much more weight and it's NOT gonna look so good on him.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
The Halfway Point
Three months ago I offered to help Josh re-establish his life by supporting him in a studio apartment for six months. The original plan was for him to contribute to his support in increasing amounts during the six months, so that by the end of the six months, he would be able to completely support himself.
Here we are at the halfway point, and he's unemployed.
Not exactly what I had in mind. While you could look at this and say this experiment has been a dismal failure; it certainly hasn't played out according to plan, I would say that we're headed in the right direction.
Josh is in treatment; on medications and in weekly therapy. That alone is worth the money I've spent.
God has answered my prayers in bringing Josh to this point. I've prayed for lots of things over the last year or so, because Josh's situation isn't the only thing I've been struggling through, in fact, I can think of no other time in my life when I've had AS MUCH to deal with, and I feel strongly that if God is only going to answer ONE of my prayers, this is the ONE I'd want him to address.
And he has. I continue to ask God to walk with Josh and give him strength and guide him to true acceptance.
But lucky me! God has also answered several of my other prayers. He has helped ME in accepting the ending of my personal relationship and he's given me the strength to move forward with my life.
He's also answered my SECOND most important need. He has put a job opportunity in my path that will allow me to climb out of debt and continue to support Josh financially as long as necessary.
The relief *I* feel to have Josh in treatment AND my financial situation addressed is HUGE.
Josh considers himself to be agnostic, yet I have a deep faith in God. Even Josh said not too long ago, "I don't know Mom, you look around at the world, all the beauty and wonder, HOW our bodies are so intricate, how we reproduce. It's all so finely honed, it almost makes ME believe that a higher power must be at work."
I know that for me, sometimes the ONLY thing that helps when faced with a crisis, is my faith that there is a higher power at work in all of it. When I'm able to turn my problems over to God....things always seem to begin heading in a better direction.
I spent a lot of time early in Josh's diagnosis holding onto it all so tightly, afraid to let go and let God because I suppose I was angry. If God could LET THIS HAPPEN, how could I ever trust him to handle it?
Silly me.
Eventually, as the stresses in my life began piling up, I had no choice but to turn it ALL over to God. Certainly when basic functioning was becoming a problem for me, I realized that *I* was powerless over almost ALL of my concerns.
I sit here today with hope, something I haven't felt in a long time. While I know Josh may continue to struggle with acceptance, that he may give up the fight, I also know that no matter what happens, I'll get through it. With the help of my friends and family, and my faith.
You might find it interesting that I don't attend church. I was raised in the church, and have turned to the church sporadically as an adult, but I sit here on a Sunday morning blogging, not in a church pew. In spite of the fact that I don't 'worship', I feel I have a strong relationship with God.
My faith has been shaken this past year or so, and I've had to remind myself of the story of Job...that perhaps my faith was just being tested. I don't KNOW, I'm not able to enter into a deep philosophical discussion on the matter, I only know how I feel about my relationship with God.
Perhaps there IS no God and all my praying is received by no one. Maybe it only serves to calm me and bring me a new awareness of how I need to move through my challenges. Whatever is at play, it works.
I believe in God for the same reasons Josh expressed. SOMEONE much bigger than me created all of this, and while I believe that God gives us free will, I also believe that he guides our lives. He gives us challenges so that we can learn and grow. What I have learned this last year or so, will guide the remainder of my life...I can apply these lessons to all areas of my life.
Let's hope that Josh is able to find work soon. Not so that I can relinquish financial responsibility to him, but so that he can begin to rebuild his life.
Here we are at the halfway point, and he's unemployed.
Not exactly what I had in mind. While you could look at this and say this experiment has been a dismal failure; it certainly hasn't played out according to plan, I would say that we're headed in the right direction.
Josh is in treatment; on medications and in weekly therapy. That alone is worth the money I've spent.
God has answered my prayers in bringing Josh to this point. I've prayed for lots of things over the last year or so, because Josh's situation isn't the only thing I've been struggling through, in fact, I can think of no other time in my life when I've had AS MUCH to deal with, and I feel strongly that if God is only going to answer ONE of my prayers, this is the ONE I'd want him to address.
And he has. I continue to ask God to walk with Josh and give him strength and guide him to true acceptance.
But lucky me! God has also answered several of my other prayers. He has helped ME in accepting the ending of my personal relationship and he's given me the strength to move forward with my life.
He's also answered my SECOND most important need. He has put a job opportunity in my path that will allow me to climb out of debt and continue to support Josh financially as long as necessary.
The relief *I* feel to have Josh in treatment AND my financial situation addressed is HUGE.
Josh considers himself to be agnostic, yet I have a deep faith in God. Even Josh said not too long ago, "I don't know Mom, you look around at the world, all the beauty and wonder, HOW our bodies are so intricate, how we reproduce. It's all so finely honed, it almost makes ME believe that a higher power must be at work."
I know that for me, sometimes the ONLY thing that helps when faced with a crisis, is my faith that there is a higher power at work in all of it. When I'm able to turn my problems over to God....things always seem to begin heading in a better direction.
I spent a lot of time early in Josh's diagnosis holding onto it all so tightly, afraid to let go and let God because I suppose I was angry. If God could LET THIS HAPPEN, how could I ever trust him to handle it?
Silly me.
Eventually, as the stresses in my life began piling up, I had no choice but to turn it ALL over to God. Certainly when basic functioning was becoming a problem for me, I realized that *I* was powerless over almost ALL of my concerns.
I sit here today with hope, something I haven't felt in a long time. While I know Josh may continue to struggle with acceptance, that he may give up the fight, I also know that no matter what happens, I'll get through it. With the help of my friends and family, and my faith.
You might find it interesting that I don't attend church. I was raised in the church, and have turned to the church sporadically as an adult, but I sit here on a Sunday morning blogging, not in a church pew. In spite of the fact that I don't 'worship', I feel I have a strong relationship with God.
My faith has been shaken this past year or so, and I've had to remind myself of the story of Job...that perhaps my faith was just being tested. I don't KNOW, I'm not able to enter into a deep philosophical discussion on the matter, I only know how I feel about my relationship with God.
Perhaps there IS no God and all my praying is received by no one. Maybe it only serves to calm me and bring me a new awareness of how I need to move through my challenges. Whatever is at play, it works.
I believe in God for the same reasons Josh expressed. SOMEONE much bigger than me created all of this, and while I believe that God gives us free will, I also believe that he guides our lives. He gives us challenges so that we can learn and grow. What I have learned this last year or so, will guide the remainder of my life...I can apply these lessons to all areas of my life.
Let's hope that Josh is able to find work soon. Not so that I can relinquish financial responsibility to him, but so that he can begin to rebuild his life.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
We've Ramped Up to Where we Are
I wonder if parenting experiences are similar for people who have sons or daughters who have Bipolar.
For me, I realize in looking back, that I 'learned' how to enable Josh, long before I ever knew there was a mental illness at work.
Josh was my 'easy' child. Always. The only real difficulty I ever had with him related to his incredibly, over the top, sore loser thing. Seriously, if this child lost at Monopoly, the board would go flying and he'd stomp off in anger. As he got older, he got better at taking his losses with something close to grace, but he was always very competitive.
And then this easy child became more difficult. More combative. Less easy to reason with. We could have a fruitful discussion about a current issue one day, and then, two days later his reaction to a continued discussion on the same topic would have him yelling and screaming and slamming doors.
Some of the good skills I use today when communicating with Josh, were established back then, but also, some of the bad skills I developed back then have been in play since Josh's diagnosis.
It has been an ongoing struggle to identify the things that work, and the things that don't, but I can tell you, ALL of it started during the few years before Josh actually began having the types of problems that lead us to a diagnosis.
I remember long chat discussions with a blogging buddy of mine back then, BEFORE Josh began having major problems. I remember trying many different things to get Josh more in line with where he should be, but his mood was ever changing. He'd be as lovable as a newborn kitten one day, and a few days later he'd be an angry lion.
I began enabling Josh back then, because so much of the time I was just trying to keep the peace.
Tough love is...well...tough to DO, and back then I had many things going on in my life that made it very easy to 'lighten up' too much on Josh, but once his issues became more severe, I had no choice but to figure out HOW to do Tough love right...consistently....and stick with it.
That has been one of the hardest things for me, because the ramifications of doing something like tossing your child out of your house, has such potential for some serious consequences.
I think that I realize better today just how important it is to take all this with a one day at a time attitude. Each situation you're faced with as you travel through a new bipolar diagnosis, well, you can only do your best at the time. But I can clearly see that I was given many opportunities along the way...some of them I didn't embrace as I should have, and others seemed almost 'destined'.
Kicking Josh out of my house was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and certainly I agonized over that decision every single day, but I learned to make peace with the decision and worked on taking care of myself so I could be really strong for the NEXT step, whatever that might be.
I would encourage anyone facing a similar crisis to spend some time honestly looking back to identify how the patterns you use got established in the first place, and when you look back, it's usually easy to see what works, and why, and what you should have done differently.
I'd be curious to know how many parents feel as I do; that all this started long before I realized there was a serious medical issue at play.
The one thing I've found out for sure is that there is a special skill set you must develop when dealing with a bipolar child who is a young adult, and you also have to develop a pretty thick skin as well. Josh and I have always shared a very close relationship; his friends were often astounded that he would shout back to me as they flew out of the house on their way to do something, "I love you Mom!".
Because we've always been close, and because he was always so easy to parent, the disconnect in our relationship that is very much a part of Bipolar, has been especially hard to adjust to, hence the need for the thick skin. I think Tough Love becomes so much harder to accomplish when dealing with Bipolar...there is so much at stake, so much that can 'go wrong' and I always have a strong feeling of not wanting to do something that might push Josh towards suicide. I do not want to have to live without him or with THAT guilt the rest of my life!
For me, I've found that looking a ways back has helped me a lot in dealing with this current situation. Unfortunately, I don't get a 'do over', I can only do better from here forward.
For me, I realize in looking back, that I 'learned' how to enable Josh, long before I ever knew there was a mental illness at work.
Josh was my 'easy' child. Always. The only real difficulty I ever had with him related to his incredibly, over the top, sore loser thing. Seriously, if this child lost at Monopoly, the board would go flying and he'd stomp off in anger. As he got older, he got better at taking his losses with something close to grace, but he was always very competitive.
And then this easy child became more difficult. More combative. Less easy to reason with. We could have a fruitful discussion about a current issue one day, and then, two days later his reaction to a continued discussion on the same topic would have him yelling and screaming and slamming doors.
Some of the good skills I use today when communicating with Josh, were established back then, but also, some of the bad skills I developed back then have been in play since Josh's diagnosis.
It has been an ongoing struggle to identify the things that work, and the things that don't, but I can tell you, ALL of it started during the few years before Josh actually began having the types of problems that lead us to a diagnosis.
I remember long chat discussions with a blogging buddy of mine back then, BEFORE Josh began having major problems. I remember trying many different things to get Josh more in line with where he should be, but his mood was ever changing. He'd be as lovable as a newborn kitten one day, and a few days later he'd be an angry lion.
I began enabling Josh back then, because so much of the time I was just trying to keep the peace.
Tough love is...well...tough to DO, and back then I had many things going on in my life that made it very easy to 'lighten up' too much on Josh, but once his issues became more severe, I had no choice but to figure out HOW to do Tough love right...consistently....and stick with it.
That has been one of the hardest things for me, because the ramifications of doing something like tossing your child out of your house, has such potential for some serious consequences.
I think that I realize better today just how important it is to take all this with a one day at a time attitude. Each situation you're faced with as you travel through a new bipolar diagnosis, well, you can only do your best at the time. But I can clearly see that I was given many opportunities along the way...some of them I didn't embrace as I should have, and others seemed almost 'destined'.
Kicking Josh out of my house was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and certainly I agonized over that decision every single day, but I learned to make peace with the decision and worked on taking care of myself so I could be really strong for the NEXT step, whatever that might be.
I would encourage anyone facing a similar crisis to spend some time honestly looking back to identify how the patterns you use got established in the first place, and when you look back, it's usually easy to see what works, and why, and what you should have done differently.
I'd be curious to know how many parents feel as I do; that all this started long before I realized there was a serious medical issue at play.
The one thing I've found out for sure is that there is a special skill set you must develop when dealing with a bipolar child who is a young adult, and you also have to develop a pretty thick skin as well. Josh and I have always shared a very close relationship; his friends were often astounded that he would shout back to me as they flew out of the house on their way to do something, "I love you Mom!".
Because we've always been close, and because he was always so easy to parent, the disconnect in our relationship that is very much a part of Bipolar, has been especially hard to adjust to, hence the need for the thick skin. I think Tough Love becomes so much harder to accomplish when dealing with Bipolar...there is so much at stake, so much that can 'go wrong' and I always have a strong feeling of not wanting to do something that might push Josh towards suicide. I do not want to have to live without him or with THAT guilt the rest of my life!
For me, I've found that looking a ways back has helped me a lot in dealing with this current situation. Unfortunately, I don't get a 'do over', I can only do better from here forward.
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