Oh the Difference!

Josh began working last week and so far he's enjoying it.  He's worked four days in a row, pretty long days, and when he stops by after work, he's tired.

But he's also very happy, full of stories about the dogs he worked with that day.  He's finding the differences in dogs very interesting and their different personalities amuse him.

As I've spent time with Josh over the last month, the changes in him are stunning.  His mood is very stable, the Josh I saw yesterday, is the same Josh who will walk in my door today.  As he prepared to begin this job, there seemed to be very little anxiety about it; what I would consider to be 'normal' anxiety.  He hasn't taken his anxiety medicine in months, feeling like he doesn't need it.

He told me recently that he considers himself to be happy and that the anti-depressant seems to have really made a difference for him.  Yet, he also feels like he's 'boring', "my thoughts are so boring to me, I miss my insane mind."

We discussed this, the fact that many people who are on medications for Bipolar feel that way.  "But Josh, an insane mind doesn't produce a happy, successful life.  The doctor is going to begin removing some of your meds soon, so maybe you'll find that some of the creative thoughts you're missing will return."

Here's an example of a change I see in Josh that really surprises me.  He gets up for work two hours before he needs to leave, feeling like he enjoys some time in the morning before work.  This from my son who has always hit the snooze button until the last possible minute, or beyond, IF he even heard the alarm at all.  He sets FOUR alarms, afraid of oversleeping, but wakes up every day when the first alarm goes off.  "Then I have to run around and shut off the other three alarms, it's kinda nuts!"   His sleep schedule is right side up for the first time in a long time.

It's these seemingly small changes in Josh's general routines that surprise me, in a good way.

I've also noticed that he willingly does things to help me out; small things, but in the past if I'd asked Josh to, say, help me move something, he'd have balked and complained and acted as if I'd asked him to rebuild my house from the ground up.

The journey to THIS place has been so long and difficult, and I feel so blessed that every single day I get to actually 'enjoy' my son again.

Will this last?  Who knows, and that's probably one of the more difficult aspects of this disorder.  So many people struggle and finally find 'normal', only to lose it again somewhere along the line.

I've been in this living hell called Bipolar long enough to know that my job right now as Josh's mother is to be there for him as he begins rediscovering life.  I am mindful of the facts; I know this could all go tits up at any time, but I have laid my fears of this aside and tasked myself with simply being in each individual moment, and I thank God when I pray every night and ask that God continue to move through Josh's life.