Two Long Years

Here I sit, just a little more than two years after Josh was diagnosed with Bipolar II.

A year or so in he was still in complete denial, then almost a year on very successful medications, and now, several months with no meds.

I see the changes in him, with no meds, but he's doing OK.  He's snippy, with me and I'm sure with the people he works with.  He complains about work when he calls me on his breaks, but when I see him, he seems mostly happy and normal.

I'm not sure what to think to be honest, but I can tell you that I feel like I'm holding my breath.

If I'm correct, and Josh cycles seasonally, I would assume he'll remain in his present state until we move into spring next year.  Then again, a major stressor coming alone might send him cycling?

Right now the hardest part of this for me is knowing HOW GOOD...no...HOW GREAT...he is on meds.

I've made it clear to him that my financial support is over.  He is in a position to more than support himself as a Dog Groomer.  If he cycles and somehow loses that job...he's on his own.

"You have a lot at stake here Josh, I just can't imagine why you'd want to jeopardize all you've built."

The only small hope I hold onto is that a year ago, when he was suffering through hypomania, HE came to ME and asked me to help him find a doctor, feeling like he couldn't live like that.

I just hope that he gets to that point sooner this time if he cycles...you know...before he destroys this wonderful life he's built.

I'm so proud of how far he was able to come, against some pretty difficult odds (bipolar and the economy).  I got a good long glimpse of who Josh is capable of being as an adult; responsible, caring, kind, loving, fun and fun loving).

I want him to be his best, and to me, he's his best self ON MEDS.

A Life Sentence

I haven't written here in a LONG time because my life has been full of changes and Josh has been doing so well.

He continues in his job as a Dog Washer and generally loves it.  He really does like dogs more than most people! 

He has made new friends at work and actually has a girlfriend.  He acts very responsibly in all areas of his life; keeping his apartment clean, getting oil changes...basic things we all do, but things I didn't even realize that Josh cared about doing.  He's paying his own living expenses (although I'm still paying about half his rent and his health insurance and medical bills).

A couple of months ago I noticed a change in him.  He seemed 'moody' and 'touchy'.  He wasn't tired and he wasn't hungry (two things I know of that create a mood shift for him).  I asked him if he was still taking his medicines and he told me he was.  The next weekend when I saw him, he admitted that he had quit taking his anti-psychotic.  He hated how lethargic it made him feel.  He had been to the doctor that week and told the doctor that he'd stopped the medication.  His doctor said that he was actually going to stop his anti-seizure medicine, but since Josh had stopped the other, they'd just see how that went.

Josh lost his 'shine' when he stopped that medication.  That glow he had, the ever present smile and obvious joy in his face went away.  It made me sad to see him in this diminished state, but slowly, as his body adjusted, he seemed to get better; not as good as he was on the medicine, but better.

Josh is going to Grooming School in mid February.  He has mixed emotions about this.  He has favorite breeds of dogs, like boxers, labs, german shepherds, etc, and those dogs don't get groomed, just bathed.  He'll miss working with his favorite dogs.  Secondly, Groomers aren't on salary, they make a 50% commission.  The Groomers at his store make almost twice what he does, but that's only if they have enough work.  Thirdly, Grooming School is 'free' (you have to buy about $600 worth of tools) but you have a two year commitment with the store and if you don't honor that commitment, you have to reimburse them for the education (a lot of money).

I encouraged Josh to go to Grooming School, arguing that he can still see and 'play' with his favorite dogs who are being bathed, as he has time in his schedule, and I told him that he NEEDS to make more money, that I'm just about finished subsidizing his existence.

And then.....he told me last weekend that he's going to stop taking his anti-depressant.  I'm not just unhappy about this, I'm pretty pissed off at him too.  I know it's his life and his decision, but I think he's doing what so many Bipolar people do.....derail their progress because they think...in their heads...that they're doing FINE and will NOT acknowledge that the medication is what's keeping them fine.

I told him how I felt, I reminded him that when he asked the doctor to add the anti-depressant, IT was what  HE said made him feel better.  I reminded him what his life was like before the medication and pointed out how far he's come since he began treating his Bipolar.  And I told him that THIS was the worst possible time to experiment with his life...just getting ready to start Grooming School...just beginning to really be able to support himself.

Deaf ears.  It all fell on deaf ears. 

I said my peace, made the best points I could make and told him, "Your life, your decision, but I cannot continue to support you, so if this causes you to cycle, you are on your own."

I'm going to have one more talk with him.  The tools he needs for school, he can buy at his store and they will deduct the cost out of each check, but all the groomers say their tools suck and break and have suggested he buy his tools on his own elsewhere.  He asked if I could help him buy the tools and he'd pay me back.  Of course I'm willing to do this, but I think my willingness to help him out financially ONCE AGAIN, is going to have a stipulation placed on it and that stipulation is that he make no more medication changes until early summer (he tends to cycle in the spring).  Of course, he can agree to this and then not really take the medicine, but if he does that and things go haywire, he's gonna have to deal with the consequences.  And if he feels I'm strong-arming him, he can buy the tools at the store and have them deduct the cost from his checks.

All of this reminds me that this Bipolar stuff is really a life sentence, and not just for the poor person suffering the disorder, but also for every single person who cares about them.

And I care deeply about Josh.

In Response to a Comment

On this post, Robin commented about Josh's violent behavior a year ago and questioned his rapid cycling early this spring.

Robin, when Josh was violent it turned out to be the result of the anti-psychotic that he was on.  It is one of the side effects.  When he stopped the medication, ALL the violent behavior ended.

When Josh was cycling up and down so quickly, he wasn't on ANY medication at all and hadn't been for 9 months or so.  He was experiencing quite a bit of stress in his life at the time.  This is when he actually sought medical help for the first time and the doctor said he was experiencing hypomanic episodes.

Does that clear it up?

Thanks for the comment

It's Just Too Sad

In just ONE week, these are the searches that brought people to this blog:

boyfriend is mean to my bi polar son


can i ever stop worring about my bipolar son


for the love of god i can not handle my bipolar son


how to explain to child that mom has bipolar


meds overcharge


mom of bipolar son


my bipolar son took his life
my perspective on bipolar

my son is 21 and said he has never been happy, always bored


my son is hopeless

What these searches remind me of is twofold.  First that there are SO many people struggling as I have with their bipolar children, but secondly, and probably most important to note, is how many people are left to turn to the internet for information and support.

Our society has GOT to get with the program and put an end to the stigma attached to mental illness, and the mental health profession has got to begin doing a better job of educating and supporting not only the Bipolar patient, but the families and loved ones of someone diagnosed with this disorder.

Every single thing I know about Bipolar, I learned from reading books and searching the internet.  It shouldn't BE that way.  When Josh was diagnosed while hospitalized, I received NO information and ZERO support.  Our journey through this disorder could have been so much easier if I had been educated and if there was ongoing support available to assist me as questions and problems cropped up.

I attended our local Bipolar Support Group, and that was incredibly helpful but desperation led me there.  I am 100% convinced that the experience of Bipolar could be very different if more attention was given to education and support of loved ones.

Everyone who reads here and emails me says that it helps to know they're not alone with all this.  Sadly, they are not.  As parents of Bipolar children we are in a club none of us signed up for, and the number of members in this club is staggering.   The saddest truth is that this is a club we'll belong to the rest of our lives.

How true is the search, "can I ever stop worrying about my Bipolar son."

I KNOW the answer to that one.  No.  I don't think it will matter how well Josh is doing, now or in the future, 'worry' will always be there for me, no matter how far in the background I try to force it.

Because of the stigma attached to mental illness, many people don't share their struggle with the people in their lives, but how is the stigma ever going to be diminished if we don't TALK about this? I openly share my experience with this disorder with anyone willing to listen, yet I also try very hard to respect Josh's wishes. His cousins STILL don't know about his illness. I'm sure they wonder, "what the hell happened?" as they've watched their cousin's life spin out of control. But he isn't comfortable sharing this with them, and so they're left to wonder.

Things have to change and each one of us are responsible for making that change happen.  I for one am beginning the process of identifying how to do that.  I have no idea WHO to contact, but I'm going to go back to the internet and figure out the best options for having my voice heard.

I refuse to struggle in silence.  This blog has allowed me to connect with people who are struggling as I am, but I feel compelled to take my story to a broader audience.  It's not enough to get through the tough times, I want to make people's struggles easier in the future.

Oh the Difference!

Josh began working last week and so far he's enjoying it.  He's worked four days in a row, pretty long days, and when he stops by after work, he's tired.

But he's also very happy, full of stories about the dogs he worked with that day.  He's finding the differences in dogs very interesting and their different personalities amuse him.

As I've spent time with Josh over the last month, the changes in him are stunning.  His mood is very stable, the Josh I saw yesterday, is the same Josh who will walk in my door today.  As he prepared to begin this job, there seemed to be very little anxiety about it; what I would consider to be 'normal' anxiety.  He hasn't taken his anxiety medicine in months, feeling like he doesn't need it.

He told me recently that he considers himself to be happy and that the anti-depressant seems to have really made a difference for him.  Yet, he also feels like he's 'boring', "my thoughts are so boring to me, I miss my insane mind."

We discussed this, the fact that many people who are on medications for Bipolar feel that way.  "But Josh, an insane mind doesn't produce a happy, successful life.  The doctor is going to begin removing some of your meds soon, so maybe you'll find that some of the creative thoughts you're missing will return."

Here's an example of a change I see in Josh that really surprises me.  He gets up for work two hours before he needs to leave, feeling like he enjoys some time in the morning before work.  This from my son who has always hit the snooze button until the last possible minute, or beyond, IF he even heard the alarm at all.  He sets FOUR alarms, afraid of oversleeping, but wakes up every day when the first alarm goes off.  "Then I have to run around and shut off the other three alarms, it's kinda nuts!"   His sleep schedule is right side up for the first time in a long time.

It's these seemingly small changes in Josh's general routines that surprise me, in a good way.

I've also noticed that he willingly does things to help me out; small things, but in the past if I'd asked Josh to, say, help me move something, he'd have balked and complained and acted as if I'd asked him to rebuild my house from the ground up.

The journey to THIS place has been so long and difficult, and I feel so blessed that every single day I get to actually 'enjoy' my son again.

Will this last?  Who knows, and that's probably one of the more difficult aspects of this disorder.  So many people struggle and finally find 'normal', only to lose it again somewhere along the line.

I've been in this living hell called Bipolar long enough to know that my job right now as Josh's mother is to be there for him as he begins rediscovering life.  I am mindful of the facts; I know this could all go tits up at any time, but I have laid my fears of this aside and tasked myself with simply being in each individual moment, and I thank God when I pray every night and ask that God continue to move through Josh's life.

He Got the JOB!!!

Josh got the job he was wanting.  Hopefully things will continue looking up for him.

He deserves it, he's a good kid who has gone through hell.

Almost a Month to the Day Later

It's been almost a month since I posted my last fairly frantic post.  Josh is still in treatment and doing fairly well mood wise.

He's yet to find a job, although he HAD a job offer contingent on passing a drug test.  But, oh, he had smoked pot with his friend a week and a half or so prior to the drug test, so who knows if he'll actually pass it and get the job or not.  If he doesn't, I HOPE it is a lesson for him.

He has made reference to his 'bipolar' lately, as if he might actually accept that he has it.

In this journey I remind myself to look at how far we've come.  He's in treatment, his mood is pretty stable, he actually cares about keeping his apartment clean, his laundry done.  He's trying to eat more healthy foods and he's been working out regularly, and it shows.

During the first two months on medication he had gained 25 pounds.  He needed the extra weight, but he has turned it all into muscle.  He looks really good.

So that's where we are today.  I try very hard to appreciate the positive changes and have patience with the job thing, but sometimes I get frustrated.  Still, in the end, I'd rather have him where he IS than homeless, or in a psych ward or dead.

I appreciate all your comments and the private emails I receive.  It all makes me realize just how many parents are struggling right along with me and my heart and prayers go out to each and every one of you and your children.