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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

No Chirstmas Miracles Here

Josh is doing 'ok'. He's at his father's, and apparently doing quite a bit of self medicating with pot. Unfortunately, his father partakes as well.

He stops by every now and then to pick something up. Last week when he came by I asked if he'd like to go out to eat with me.

We had a very pleasant time together and there were moments when the conversation turned to 'heavier' things.

We were talking about pot, about how surprised he is by the number of people my age who smoke pot.

"Well, some people never outgrow it I guess, but me? I guess I'm high on life, I don't need pot."

"Well, you've got a pretty nice life."

"Yep, but Josh, no one handed it to me. I worked hard for everything I have."

He said that he doesn't really want what I have. He has his sights set a bit lower, a small apartment, food, maybe internet access.

Let's hope his desire for those simple things drives him to ACT.

Last night when he stopped by he said he hasn't begun looking for a job yet.

So maybe he's not all that driven yet?

Last night he seemed a bit down, I think his mood was mostly driven by frustration. Life is very frustrating for him right now. He doesn't LIKE living at his dad's, mostly because of his step mom, and his days must seem endless now that school is out and he's stuck in a house with no cable or internet.

Which would spur me to get the heck out of there and get a job, but then, he's not me.

He will be coming here Christmas morning for our traditional Christmas breakfast and he asked what we were doing in the evening. I told him we were deep frying a turkey and he was more than welcome to join us. Not sure if he'll do that or not, but I hope he does.

When we're together, he occasionally tries to play the victim card with me, or he gets accusatory, but I quickly set him straight.

Personal responsibility and all that, don't ya know.

While I'd love to see a Christmas miracle at work where Josh is concerned, I think it's too soon for him to have a real epiphany, but maybe someday soon?

Saturday, December 4, 2010


There have been many times in my life when The Serenity Prayer has been my mantra.

Once again, I find myself repeating it to myself silently.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

With Josh, I've had to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change the fact that he refuses to seek treatment for his Bipolar.

From where I sit, the solution to almost ALL of Josh's problems lie in finding the correct medication for him. And I'm convinced that his condition is mild enough that the dosage would likely be very small.

He is NOT the person he was a year ago. While he had become increasingly difficult to manage during the last two or three years, he WAS functioning well in general, with his schoolwork and extracurricular activities. He was happy much more often than he was difficult. The person I sent packing is not functioning well in any area of his life, and that makes me so sad, because I know it doesn't have to be that way.

I found the courage to change the things I can, and it takes a lot of courage (and just the right amount of total, utter frustration) to send the son you love packing, but that's where "the wisdom to know the difference" comes in.

Eventually the wisest course of action was to allow Josh to struggle against himself, and he is struggling.

It is heartbreaking to me when he comes over and I see the longing in his eyes, the longing to return to what is "normal" for him. But "normal" isn't going to move him forward and I pray that Rootie is right, that someday he will be able to see that by setting him free, I was giving him legs to walk into a better place.

But I think the most difficult aspect of all of this is that there are some amazingly wonderful changes going on in my life right now, and I would have loved for Josh to have been a part of them, to have benefited from them. Unfortunately, his perspective is that I've made him leave BECAUSE of these changes, and that simply isn't the case, but he's probably always going to look at this time as a time when I selfishly kicked him out so I could have the life *I* wanted. The truth though, is that I truly felt the changes in my life could move him forward.

I pray every night that God will walk with Josh and guide him; that he will lead him to a better place, and I keep asking for courage and wisdom and help with acceptance for myself, because I know that what has always carried me through difficult times is finding Serenity.