Three months ago I offered to help Josh re-establish his life by supporting him in a studio apartment for six months. The original plan was for him to contribute to his support in increasing amounts during the six months, so that by the end of the six months, he would be able to completely support himself.
Here we are at the halfway point, and he's unemployed.
Not exactly what I had in mind. While you could look at this and say this experiment has been a dismal failure; it certainly hasn't played out according to plan, I would say that we're headed in the right direction.
Josh is in treatment; on medications and in weekly therapy. That alone is worth the money I've spent.
God has answered my prayers in bringing Josh to this point. I've prayed for lots of things over the last year or so, because Josh's situation isn't the only thing I've been struggling through, in fact, I can think of no other time in my life when I've had AS MUCH to deal with, and I feel strongly that if God is only going to answer ONE of my prayers, this is the ONE I'd want him to address.
And he has. I continue to ask God to walk with Josh and give him strength and guide him to true acceptance.
But lucky me! God has also answered several of my other prayers. He has helped ME in accepting the ending of my personal relationship and he's given me the strength to move forward with my life.
He's also answered my SECOND most important need. He has put a job opportunity in my path that will allow me to climb out of debt and continue to support Josh financially as long as necessary.
The relief *I* feel to have Josh in treatment AND my financial situation addressed is HUGE.
Josh considers himself to be agnostic, yet I have a deep faith in God. Even Josh said not too long ago, "I don't know Mom, you look around at the world, all the beauty and wonder, HOW our bodies are so intricate, how we reproduce. It's all so finely honed, it almost makes ME believe that a higher power must be at work."
I know that for me, sometimes the ONLY thing that helps when faced with a crisis, is my faith that there is a higher power at work in all of it. When I'm able to turn my problems over to God....things always seem to begin heading in a better direction.
I spent a lot of time early in Josh's diagnosis holding onto it all so tightly, afraid to let go and let God because I suppose I was angry. If God could LET THIS HAPPEN, how could I ever trust him to handle it?
Silly me.
Eventually, as the stresses in my life began piling up, I had no choice but to turn it ALL over to God. Certainly when basic functioning was becoming a problem for me, I realized that *I* was powerless over almost ALL of my concerns.
I sit here today with hope, something I haven't felt in a long time. While I know Josh may continue to struggle with acceptance, that he may give up the fight, I also know that no matter what happens, I'll get through it. With the help of my friends and family, and my faith.
You might find it interesting that I don't attend church. I was raised in the church, and have turned to the church sporadically as an adult, but I sit here on a Sunday morning blogging, not in a church pew. In spite of the fact that I don't 'worship', I feel I have a strong relationship with God.
My faith has been shaken this past year or so, and I've had to remind myself of the story of Job...that perhaps my faith was just being tested. I don't KNOW, I'm not able to enter into a deep philosophical discussion on the matter, I only know how I feel about my relationship with God.
Perhaps there IS no God and all my praying is received by no one. Maybe it only serves to calm me and bring me a new awareness of how I need to move through my challenges. Whatever is at play, it works.
I believe in God for the same reasons Josh expressed. SOMEONE much bigger than me created all of this, and while I believe that God gives us free will, I also believe that he guides our lives. He gives us challenges so that we can learn and grow. What I have learned this last year or so, will guide the remainder of my life...I can apply these lessons to all areas of my life.
Let's hope that Josh is able to find work soon. Not so that I can relinquish financial responsibility to him, but so that he can begin to rebuild his life.
Showing posts with label The Stress is Killing Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Stress is Killing Me. Show all posts
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Why do they have to make it so hard?
Josh was referred to an Endocrinologist by our Primary Care Physician.
No one mentioned how difficult it is to get an appointment with an Endocrinologist.
I was given three names and checked with Josh's insurance company to determine which doctors were in his network. I then called to schedule an appointment.
Sheesh!
You can't make an appointment with any of these doctors without first having a years worth of medical records sent to them so they can determine the urgency of care needed, but the real kicker is that once they receive the records, the first available appointment isn't until mid to late September.
This was the case with all three doctors I called.
It seems to me that they're going to need not only Josh's records from his Primary Care Physician, but also records from his IOP at the Stress Center back in January, AND his records from the Psych Hospital.
By the time they receive all that information, I imagine the September appointments will be filled and we'll be looking closer to October.
And in all of this, there is an issue with Josh's Student Aid for the Fall Term. We have to present documentation from a physician stating that Josh is OK to attend school in the Fall. The problem is that Josh isn't really under any doctor's care right now. The student aid office doesn't know that he has been diagnosed as Bipolar, they are concerned with the depression that caused him to fail out of last Fall's classes. This documentation needs to be to the Student Aid office by the 14th of July. We were hoping that Josh's Thyroid tests would come back and indicate an underlying Thyroid condition that we could state we were treating.
Josh and me have an appointment with his therapist, Peter, this Wednesday. Peter is willing to compose a letter that explains the situation; that Josh recovered fully from the depression, became sleep deprived that resulted in a manic episode, whereby he was diagnosed with Bipolar. But then it gets a little tricky. We are not treating Josh's Bipolar at the moment, so Peter is going to have to dance around a bit, stating that Josh is functioning well right now and will treat any further episodes, if they occur, as needed.
Josh has FREE money available this year, for the first time, and I hate the thought of him losing out on that. He has decided to start back to school in a very cautious manner, taking only three classes. While he hates taking such a light class load, he understands that he needs to avoid stress. I told him that he could catch up during the summer session, but that since we really don't KNOW what might happen; he could experience more Bipolar issues, that a cautious approach would be best.
Worse case scenario, I will have to pay for his classes this year and I hate to do that since I have spent so much money on his medical bills this year. I don't think it is in Josh's best interest to sit out the Fall Term. I feel strongly that he needs to 'get his life back' because it has spiraled horribly out of control over the last year. Some normalcy would be good for him and he needs to be working towards a goal and school would force him to get on a healthier schedule.
In addition to the medical issues he is facing, his employer (a national chain) is close to bankruptcy. He may not have a job for long and they have cut back every one's schedules to the point that Josh is working only about 10 hours a week. Jobs are hard to come by though, especially with the college kids home for the summer. Josh's older brother has been unemployed now for a year and a half and his unemployment benefits ended three weeks ago. His brother is in that first wave pool of people who were laid off, so there will be a glut of those people whose unemployment benefits have ended, who are aggressively seeking any available opportunities. Which means it will be even more difficult for Josh to find employment.
Added to my financial woes is the fact that for the first time EVER, Josh's brother has had to ask me for money, and I'm sure his needs will continue.
Right now everything, every aspect of our lives, is in flux and that's a very uncomfortable position to be in. Josh could experience Bipolar symptoms at any moment, or he could be fine for years. It's hard to know WHAT to do because nothing is a given, so we'll just have to take things as they come, deal with the issues in front of us each day and be frugal as hell because everybody is in my pocket right now.
Sigh.
No one mentioned how difficult it is to get an appointment with an Endocrinologist.
I was given three names and checked with Josh's insurance company to determine which doctors were in his network. I then called to schedule an appointment.
Sheesh!
You can't make an appointment with any of these doctors without first having a years worth of medical records sent to them so they can determine the urgency of care needed, but the real kicker is that once they receive the records, the first available appointment isn't until mid to late September.
This was the case with all three doctors I called.
It seems to me that they're going to need not only Josh's records from his Primary Care Physician, but also records from his IOP at the Stress Center back in January, AND his records from the Psych Hospital.
By the time they receive all that information, I imagine the September appointments will be filled and we'll be looking closer to October.
And in all of this, there is an issue with Josh's Student Aid for the Fall Term. We have to present documentation from a physician stating that Josh is OK to attend school in the Fall. The problem is that Josh isn't really under any doctor's care right now. The student aid office doesn't know that he has been diagnosed as Bipolar, they are concerned with the depression that caused him to fail out of last Fall's classes. This documentation needs to be to the Student Aid office by the 14th of July. We were hoping that Josh's Thyroid tests would come back and indicate an underlying Thyroid condition that we could state we were treating.
Josh and me have an appointment with his therapist, Peter, this Wednesday. Peter is willing to compose a letter that explains the situation; that Josh recovered fully from the depression, became sleep deprived that resulted in a manic episode, whereby he was diagnosed with Bipolar. But then it gets a little tricky. We are not treating Josh's Bipolar at the moment, so Peter is going to have to dance around a bit, stating that Josh is functioning well right now and will treat any further episodes, if they occur, as needed.
Josh has FREE money available this year, for the first time, and I hate the thought of him losing out on that. He has decided to start back to school in a very cautious manner, taking only three classes. While he hates taking such a light class load, he understands that he needs to avoid stress. I told him that he could catch up during the summer session, but that since we really don't KNOW what might happen; he could experience more Bipolar issues, that a cautious approach would be best.
Worse case scenario, I will have to pay for his classes this year and I hate to do that since I have spent so much money on his medical bills this year. I don't think it is in Josh's best interest to sit out the Fall Term. I feel strongly that he needs to 'get his life back' because it has spiraled horribly out of control over the last year. Some normalcy would be good for him and he needs to be working towards a goal and school would force him to get on a healthier schedule.
In addition to the medical issues he is facing, his employer (a national chain) is close to bankruptcy. He may not have a job for long and they have cut back every one's schedules to the point that Josh is working only about 10 hours a week. Jobs are hard to come by though, especially with the college kids home for the summer. Josh's older brother has been unemployed now for a year and a half and his unemployment benefits ended three weeks ago. His brother is in that first wave pool of people who were laid off, so there will be a glut of those people whose unemployment benefits have ended, who are aggressively seeking any available opportunities. Which means it will be even more difficult for Josh to find employment.
Added to my financial woes is the fact that for the first time EVER, Josh's brother has had to ask me for money, and I'm sure his needs will continue.
Right now everything, every aspect of our lives, is in flux and that's a very uncomfortable position to be in. Josh could experience Bipolar symptoms at any moment, or he could be fine for years. It's hard to know WHAT to do because nothing is a given, so we'll just have to take things as they come, deal with the issues in front of us each day and be frugal as hell because everybody is in my pocket right now.
Sigh.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Realities of Hospitalization
When Josh became manic, I didn't even know he was manic. I didn't know what manic meant. If I'm being honest I would tell you that I came home and found Josh acting nutso.
Ahem.
Anyway, long story short, off to the Psych Hospital we went, with me encouraging him the entire way that this was the right thing to do.
And he'll probably hold that against me the rest of my life.
It was not a good experience for him, but I've come to realize that Mental Institutions aren't a good experience for anyone.
It seems the goal is to bring em' down or lift em' up, begin a medication and get them out of there in a perfectly timed maneuver that has them walking OUT the door at precisely the moment their insurance stops paying.
Unfortunately, fiscal concerns determine the level of care received, and the hospitals aren't driving the bus, the insurers are.
That's a fact.
A sad fact.
In addition to that, there is very little competition to force better care. We live in a fairly large metropolitan area and I can only think of maybe four Psychiatric Hospitals in a 50 mile radius.
Mental Institutions are pushed up against a wall to make a profit, so things like, oh...communicating with caretakers, falls by the wayside, as does educating caretakers.
Seriously, Josh came home with a prescription and a piece of paper that explained side effects to watch out for and a notation that he had an appointment the next day with some dude. I had no idea what the dude's purpose was, just that Josh was to see him.
I also didn't know what to expect in the coming days. I wasn't prepared for his rages, or disordered thinking. I didn't know what my JOB was.
A simple pamphlet could have alleviated some of the missteps I made over the first days and weeks. A one page sheet of paper could have imparted much needed information.
Because in the end, Josh's best interests were not served by the lack of communication and education I received from the hospital...which was zip.
Another aspect of Hospitalization where mental illness is concerned is that the person in charge of making decisions and asking the right questions (the patient) is temporarily incapacitated mentally! Add to that the fact that historical data about past episodes and behaviors are being collected from someone who thinks he's a messiah put here to spread the truth, and it's pretty evident that THE DOCTORS SHOULD BE TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO ISN'T SUFFERING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!
Even though Josh had signed a release so the doctors could talk to me, even though I left messages asking the doctors to call me, they didn't.
Because time is money.
So basically, they can prescribe whatever they want cause they know the patient isn't capable of any input into the decision.
Josh NEVER wants to go to the hospital again, and I don't want him to EVER have to go to the hospital again, but when you're in a state of mania, your options become limited.
It's just possible that if hospitals were able to provide the necessary level of care, communication and education that this Disorder requires, then repeated hospitalizations may not be needed, thus saving insurance companies money in the long run.
If a patient could stay in the hospital long enough to become stable, go on a medication that a loved one helped choose after discussing side effects, lifestyles and past behaviors, and then went home with a caregiver who knew what the hell was going on, the cycle of non-compliance could be shortened.
I'm just sayin'
Ahem.
Anyway, long story short, off to the Psych Hospital we went, with me encouraging him the entire way that this was the right thing to do.
And he'll probably hold that against me the rest of my life.
It was not a good experience for him, but I've come to realize that Mental Institutions aren't a good experience for anyone.
It seems the goal is to bring em' down or lift em' up, begin a medication and get them out of there in a perfectly timed maneuver that has them walking OUT the door at precisely the moment their insurance stops paying.
Unfortunately, fiscal concerns determine the level of care received, and the hospitals aren't driving the bus, the insurers are.
That's a fact.
A sad fact.
In addition to that, there is very little competition to force better care. We live in a fairly large metropolitan area and I can only think of maybe four Psychiatric Hospitals in a 50 mile radius.
Mental Institutions are pushed up against a wall to make a profit, so things like, oh...communicating with caretakers, falls by the wayside, as does educating caretakers.
Seriously, Josh came home with a prescription and a piece of paper that explained side effects to watch out for and a notation that he had an appointment the next day with some dude. I had no idea what the dude's purpose was, just that Josh was to see him.
I also didn't know what to expect in the coming days. I wasn't prepared for his rages, or disordered thinking. I didn't know what my JOB was.
A simple pamphlet could have alleviated some of the missteps I made over the first days and weeks. A one page sheet of paper could have imparted much needed information.
Because in the end, Josh's best interests were not served by the lack of communication and education I received from the hospital...which was zip.
Another aspect of Hospitalization where mental illness is concerned is that the person in charge of making decisions and asking the right questions (the patient) is temporarily incapacitated mentally! Add to that the fact that historical data about past episodes and behaviors are being collected from someone who thinks he's a messiah put here to spread the truth, and it's pretty evident that THE DOCTORS SHOULD BE TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO ISN'T SUFFERING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!
Even though Josh had signed a release so the doctors could talk to me, even though I left messages asking the doctors to call me, they didn't.
Because time is money.
So basically, they can prescribe whatever they want cause they know the patient isn't capable of any input into the decision.
Josh NEVER wants to go to the hospital again, and I don't want him to EVER have to go to the hospital again, but when you're in a state of mania, your options become limited.
It's just possible that if hospitals were able to provide the necessary level of care, communication and education that this Disorder requires, then repeated hospitalizations may not be needed, thus saving insurance companies money in the long run.
If a patient could stay in the hospital long enough to become stable, go on a medication that a loved one helped choose after discussing side effects, lifestyles and past behaviors, and then went home with a caregiver who knew what the hell was going on, the cycle of non-compliance could be shortened.
I'm just sayin'
Thursday, June 17, 2010
So Here We Are
Today I sat down with Peter, the therapist that Josh had been seeing before being hospitalized. Peter has been very helpful to ME as I've moved through the past few months trying to deal with something I have no knowledge about.
Bipolar.
Specifically, I need Peter to help me in guiding Josh toward mature responsibility. Not just responsibility surrounding his disorder, but his long standing life issues; his inability to just basically get his shit together and act like a 20 year old.
I made headway this week during a discussion with Josh about his need to contribute in some way to the running of this household. He does basic chores if asked, on occasion without being asked, but he has a sense of entitlement that needs to change.
On the one hand Josh insists on being treated like an adult, because hey! He's 20 years old! But often his behavior is more akin to a 12 year old. I've been encouraging him to get a second job since he sat out a semester of college due to his depression. Well, it's about time for college to start again and he still has one job that offers him less than 20 hours a week. There's a whole lot of time in there that he needs to fill.
After much discussion we agreed that he would clean the house each Friday in lieu of beginning to pay me a nominal amount of 'rent'. His brain is so fuzzy right now though that he asked me to text him each Friday morning to remind him to clean the house.
Peter and I agree that baby steps are in order. The one thing that someone dealing with Bipolar needs to avoid is stress. Stress builds and builds and sends someone with Bipolar into a manic episode.
So tread lightly.
Peter and I talked about the discussions that Josh and I have been having where I feel he is leaning more towards acceptance. Peter feels that I am handling those discussions very well, acknowledging how difficult of a diagnosis it is to accept, and stressing the importance of management as the key.
Peter feels that Josh's questions regarding past delusional episodes, and his recognition that he was likely a bit delusional when talking with his friend one night, are all great indicators that he's really beginning to 'see' the truth.
Josh has been extremely flaky today. We went out to dinner and when we returned he told me he was going to smoke pot.
My stand on pot? Well, I'm not gonna sit here and lie and say I've never smoked pot, or lie and say that when I did smoke it I didn't inhale. Personally, I wish they'd legalize the stuff because then the product that our kids would be smoking would be controlled and safer, there would be tax revenues, and if you think for one second that you can control it's use by keeping it illegal, you're nuts.
Do I want Josh smokin' pot? I honestly can't say because I've read such differing views on the subject of pot and bipolar. I think that's a heavy subject for its own post in the near future.
I can tell you this much. The problem with pot is probably twofold. It affects everyone differently and each medication differently and the quality of pot and what it might be laced with is a concern.
And I'll also tell you this. After Josh smoked tonight, he joined me out on the deck and he became increasingly 'sad'. He said he feels like he's a shitty person, that *I* think he's a shitty person. And while his anxiety level was a little elevated all day, he became more and more anxious as the evening wore on. But the interesting thing is that HE noticed this himself.
His anxiety took MANY forms tonight. He's worried about his thyroid, had me pull up a picture of it on the internet. Then he was concerned that the benadryl he was taking to help him sleep was SO little it would get stuck in his throat because his throat hurts and he thinks his thyroid may be enlarged. And he's almost sure he's all of a sudden allergic to his contact solution because his eyes look weird to him and in fact, last night he got some contact solution on his finger and it burned.
It is almost midnight and he's having a hell of a time getting to sleep. I taught him how to belly breath, because he's SO anxious. I finally said, "Go lay down, put on some soft music and belly breath...just concentrate on your breath."
Sheesh, he's wearin' me out.
The fact of the matter is, and I told Josh this, the last eight weeks have been hell. For both of us, but mostly for his poor brain. It's be inundated with all manner of drugs. Sedatives, sleeping aids, this dose of medicine, NO, this dose, NO this dose. Sheesh, no wonder Josh is a walking buffoon.
"I think you'll feel less foggy in a week or so, once all these chemicals are out of your brain, and then we'll see what happens."
And today, while sitting on the front porch with me, Josh looked at me and said, "Well, what are we gonna do if I get bad again?
"You mean like manic?"
"Yeah"
"Well, I don't know. I talked to Patrick today about the Psychiatrists in his office, and that's an option, but he also said they have a Clinical NP who is very good, a little less expensive and he felt she might be a good fit for you, so you should think about if you'd like to see her, or one of their Psychiatrists sometime soon, so they know you, you are under their care, and then if you become manic, we have someone who can help us out."
Josh and I both are having fasting blood work done next Wednesday, ahead of our Physicals which are scheduled for Monday. I will go in with Josh at the beginning of his appointment and discuss our concerns with the doctor. I told Josh that I want him to listen as I talk to the doctor so he can learn to communicate effectively with the professionals in charge of his care.
"It's going to be very important that YOU learn how to ask questions and even challenge the doctors. If they suggest something you don't understand, ask them to explain. If they propose something that you're not comfortable with, ask them what alternatives are available. YOU really are in charge of ALL the decisions about this, but you have to be able to be an advocate for yourself."
Bipolar.
Specifically, I need Peter to help me in guiding Josh toward mature responsibility. Not just responsibility surrounding his disorder, but his long standing life issues; his inability to just basically get his shit together and act like a 20 year old.
I made headway this week during a discussion with Josh about his need to contribute in some way to the running of this household. He does basic chores if asked, on occasion without being asked, but he has a sense of entitlement that needs to change.
On the one hand Josh insists on being treated like an adult, because hey! He's 20 years old! But often his behavior is more akin to a 12 year old. I've been encouraging him to get a second job since he sat out a semester of college due to his depression. Well, it's about time for college to start again and he still has one job that offers him less than 20 hours a week. There's a whole lot of time in there that he needs to fill.
After much discussion we agreed that he would clean the house each Friday in lieu of beginning to pay me a nominal amount of 'rent'. His brain is so fuzzy right now though that he asked me to text him each Friday morning to remind him to clean the house.
Peter and I agree that baby steps are in order. The one thing that someone dealing with Bipolar needs to avoid is stress. Stress builds and builds and sends someone with Bipolar into a manic episode.
So tread lightly.
Peter and I talked about the discussions that Josh and I have been having where I feel he is leaning more towards acceptance. Peter feels that I am handling those discussions very well, acknowledging how difficult of a diagnosis it is to accept, and stressing the importance of management as the key.
Peter feels that Josh's questions regarding past delusional episodes, and his recognition that he was likely a bit delusional when talking with his friend one night, are all great indicators that he's really beginning to 'see' the truth.
Josh has been extremely flaky today. We went out to dinner and when we returned he told me he was going to smoke pot.
My stand on pot? Well, I'm not gonna sit here and lie and say I've never smoked pot, or lie and say that when I did smoke it I didn't inhale. Personally, I wish they'd legalize the stuff because then the product that our kids would be smoking would be controlled and safer, there would be tax revenues, and if you think for one second that you can control it's use by keeping it illegal, you're nuts.
Do I want Josh smokin' pot? I honestly can't say because I've read such differing views on the subject of pot and bipolar. I think that's a heavy subject for its own post in the near future.
I can tell you this much. The problem with pot is probably twofold. It affects everyone differently and each medication differently and the quality of pot and what it might be laced with is a concern.
And I'll also tell you this. After Josh smoked tonight, he joined me out on the deck and he became increasingly 'sad'. He said he feels like he's a shitty person, that *I* think he's a shitty person. And while his anxiety level was a little elevated all day, he became more and more anxious as the evening wore on. But the interesting thing is that HE noticed this himself.
His anxiety took MANY forms tonight. He's worried about his thyroid, had me pull up a picture of it on the internet. Then he was concerned that the benadryl he was taking to help him sleep was SO little it would get stuck in his throat because his throat hurts and he thinks his thyroid may be enlarged. And he's almost sure he's all of a sudden allergic to his contact solution because his eyes look weird to him and in fact, last night he got some contact solution on his finger and it burned.
It is almost midnight and he's having a hell of a time getting to sleep. I taught him how to belly breath, because he's SO anxious. I finally said, "Go lay down, put on some soft music and belly breath...just concentrate on your breath."
Sheesh, he's wearin' me out.
The fact of the matter is, and I told Josh this, the last eight weeks have been hell. For both of us, but mostly for his poor brain. It's be inundated with all manner of drugs. Sedatives, sleeping aids, this dose of medicine, NO, this dose, NO this dose. Sheesh, no wonder Josh is a walking buffoon.
"I think you'll feel less foggy in a week or so, once all these chemicals are out of your brain, and then we'll see what happens."
And today, while sitting on the front porch with me, Josh looked at me and said, "Well, what are we gonna do if I get bad again?
"You mean like manic?"
"Yeah"
"Well, I don't know. I talked to Patrick today about the Psychiatrists in his office, and that's an option, but he also said they have a Clinical NP who is very good, a little less expensive and he felt she might be a good fit for you, so you should think about if you'd like to see her, or one of their Psychiatrists sometime soon, so they know you, you are under their care, and then if you become manic, we have someone who can help us out."
Josh and I both are having fasting blood work done next Wednesday, ahead of our Physicals which are scheduled for Monday. I will go in with Josh at the beginning of his appointment and discuss our concerns with the doctor. I told Josh that I want him to listen as I talk to the doctor so he can learn to communicate effectively with the professionals in charge of his care.
"It's going to be very important that YOU learn how to ask questions and even challenge the doctors. If they suggest something you don't understand, ask them to explain. If they propose something that you're not comfortable with, ask them what alternatives are available. YOU really are in charge of ALL the decisions about this, but you have to be able to be an advocate for yourself."
And I Just Keep Learning........
Originally posted on my private blog on June 16, 2010
Yesterday I went with Josh to his Nurses Appointment at the Mental Health Center. The nurse took Josh back and wouldn't let me go back with him. But when he came out, she asked to speak to me.
She said that Josh is unwilling to continue therapy there, has been resistant to talking to ANY of them and because of that he is considered to be no longer under their care, therefore she can't provide a prescription for him.
"That's fine," I said, "that's his decision, but he's chosen to stop his medication and I was hoping that you could at least prescribe enough medicine for him to carefully step off the meds."
"Well, I'm willing to give you a one month prescription, but really, he doesn't need to step off of this. He's on a fairly low dosage, so if he discontinues it, there will be no withdrawal symptoms."
Then she preceded to tell me that Josh needs addiction counseling. "He's going to get nowhere until he stops using pot, and I explained that to him, explained why pot interferes with his disorder. This is a very difficult situation for you, I know that, what are you doing to take care of yourself?"
"Well, I have a lot of support from friends and family and I attend a Bipolar Support Group, I'm doing ok, but yes, it's a very frustrating position to be in."
"Yes it is and I'm glad you're getting support, but you should consider seeing a therapist for yourself to help you with all this. The lines between helping and enabling get very blurry when you're in the middle of something like this."
Duh.
Josh and I spent the rest of the day and evening together. We talked a lot. And for the first time I felt like I'd made a few small victories. He began asking me more questions about his behavior, specifically what things he'd said in the past that seemed delusional.
"Well, you told me that you and I could get along together better if I'd open my bedroom window. That my office window was open and that we could live peacefully here together if I'd just open my bedroom window too."
"Yeah, but I know what I meant by that."
"What did you mean then? In what context does a statement like that make ANY sense?"
He started to talk, but stopped and stared off into space. Then his face fell and he said, "None huh?"
Then later he said that when his friend Jon was over the night before, Jon told him that he didn't seem like himself, so he was thinking about what he had been talking about at the time, "I think maybe I was a little delusional Mom."
And the look on his face? Well, it was heartbreaking, because he looked so defeated.
"Josh, I know it must be so hard to realize that you've said things like that that make no sense, but to YOU, in a certain frame of mind, at the time, they made PERFECT sense. That's why I wanted you to read that book, "Welcome to the Jungle". She says, "Hey, it's horrible to find out you have this disorder, that you have something that can't be cured and that you have to live with for the rest of your life; that totally sucks," but the book is very empowering Josh cause she shows you that yes, it sucks, but it's manageable, you can live a normal life if you manage it properly with medication and good lifestyle choices, cause the alternative, to do nothing, will destroy your life."
"But how Mom, how can something like this destroy your life?"
"Well, it affects all aspects of your life. Like Jon last night, he knows about your disorder, so you can explain to him that your nonsense talk is related to that, but what if you were talking to a girl you just met at school and said something nutty, chances are good she's not gonna want to continue talking to you. And what if, as part of your job, you had to give a presentation to the Board of Directors, and in the middle of it you finish a sentence by saying, "so it's plain to see that if we dip our tampons in our coffee, it sweetens it." The point is that without treatment, Bipolar can affect every aspect of your life negatively, and it doesn't have to be that way. Millions of people who have Bipolar live perfectly normal lives. Yes, they have to manage it everyday, but there are tons of people walking around with this and you'd never even know they have it because they manage it properly."
I could just tell that he was really thinking about all this in a different way then he has in the past. You can tell he wants to stay in denial, that's a really warm comfy blanket, but he's beginning to at least pull back the covers and consider that there might be something to all this.
And then this morning when I got up I found him still awake in his room. He stopped his meds last night, and as a result he hadn't slept. He had taken a dose of pediatric benadryl, but it hadn't helped. He has been borderline manic the last two days, since he missed a night of sleep. He's not hyper talking, but his thoughts are jumbled, he struggles to stay on track in conversation. So another night of missed sleep and I fear we're off to the races.
I tried to explain to him yesterday that what SHOULD have happened is that he be under the care of a Psychiatrist when he stopped his meds, then the doctor could prescribe a sleep aid. But since he's refused to stay in care, he's in the position of having no one to help him with all this.
We also talked about 'what if', something he wasn't willing to talk about before. I told him that when he stops his meds it's possible he'll be fine, but it's also possible that he'll struggle with sleep and become manic. "You say you don't want to be hospitalized again EVER, but the first thing they do is give you sedatives to bring you down. If you become manic again, WHAT do you want me to do?"
"Nothing!"
"But honey, you can't just go on like that, in that state! A manic episode can last MONTHS, I barely made it through that one day with you like that! I suppose if you were under the care of a psychiatrist, he might be able to prescribe something that we could have on hand to assist in bringing you down, but you're not under the care of ANYONE. Honey, you kind of put me in a bad position here. You don't want to go to the hospital, but I have no real tools here to help you in a situation like that."
Nothing was really settled yesterday. I still have no idea what I'll do if he becomes manic again, I suppose I'd have to call the police and have him hospitalized against his will, but man, I hate the thought of having to do that.
Since he missed another nights sleep last night, I imagine the next day or two are going to be interesting.
So, I'm learning. I'm learning how to find the right words and the right moments to impact Josh's thinking.
Please keep Josh in your prayers. I'm almost sure the roller coaster is cresting the hill again.
Yesterday I went with Josh to his Nurses Appointment at the Mental Health Center. The nurse took Josh back and wouldn't let me go back with him. But when he came out, she asked to speak to me.
She said that Josh is unwilling to continue therapy there, has been resistant to talking to ANY of them and because of that he is considered to be no longer under their care, therefore she can't provide a prescription for him.
"That's fine," I said, "that's his decision, but he's chosen to stop his medication and I was hoping that you could at least prescribe enough medicine for him to carefully step off the meds."
"Well, I'm willing to give you a one month prescription, but really, he doesn't need to step off of this. He's on a fairly low dosage, so if he discontinues it, there will be no withdrawal symptoms."
Then she preceded to tell me that Josh needs addiction counseling. "He's going to get nowhere until he stops using pot, and I explained that to him, explained why pot interferes with his disorder. This is a very difficult situation for you, I know that, what are you doing to take care of yourself?"
"Well, I have a lot of support from friends and family and I attend a Bipolar Support Group, I'm doing ok, but yes, it's a very frustrating position to be in."
"Yes it is and I'm glad you're getting support, but you should consider seeing a therapist for yourself to help you with all this. The lines between helping and enabling get very blurry when you're in the middle of something like this."
Duh.
Josh and I spent the rest of the day and evening together. We talked a lot. And for the first time I felt like I'd made a few small victories. He began asking me more questions about his behavior, specifically what things he'd said in the past that seemed delusional.
"Well, you told me that you and I could get along together better if I'd open my bedroom window. That my office window was open and that we could live peacefully here together if I'd just open my bedroom window too."
"Yeah, but I know what I meant by that."
"What did you mean then? In what context does a statement like that make ANY sense?"
He started to talk, but stopped and stared off into space. Then his face fell and he said, "None huh?"
Then later he said that when his friend Jon was over the night before, Jon told him that he didn't seem like himself, so he was thinking about what he had been talking about at the time, "I think maybe I was a little delusional Mom."
And the look on his face? Well, it was heartbreaking, because he looked so defeated.
"Josh, I know it must be so hard to realize that you've said things like that that make no sense, but to YOU, in a certain frame of mind, at the time, they made PERFECT sense. That's why I wanted you to read that book, "Welcome to the Jungle". She says, "Hey, it's horrible to find out you have this disorder, that you have something that can't be cured and that you have to live with for the rest of your life; that totally sucks," but the book is very empowering Josh cause she shows you that yes, it sucks, but it's manageable, you can live a normal life if you manage it properly with medication and good lifestyle choices, cause the alternative, to do nothing, will destroy your life."
"But how Mom, how can something like this destroy your life?"
"Well, it affects all aspects of your life. Like Jon last night, he knows about your disorder, so you can explain to him that your nonsense talk is related to that, but what if you were talking to a girl you just met at school and said something nutty, chances are good she's not gonna want to continue talking to you. And what if, as part of your job, you had to give a presentation to the Board of Directors, and in the middle of it you finish a sentence by saying, "so it's plain to see that if we dip our tampons in our coffee, it sweetens it." The point is that without treatment, Bipolar can affect every aspect of your life negatively, and it doesn't have to be that way. Millions of people who have Bipolar live perfectly normal lives. Yes, they have to manage it everyday, but there are tons of people walking around with this and you'd never even know they have it because they manage it properly."
I could just tell that he was really thinking about all this in a different way then he has in the past. You can tell he wants to stay in denial, that's a really warm comfy blanket, but he's beginning to at least pull back the covers and consider that there might be something to all this.
And then this morning when I got up I found him still awake in his room. He stopped his meds last night, and as a result he hadn't slept. He had taken a dose of pediatric benadryl, but it hadn't helped. He has been borderline manic the last two days, since he missed a night of sleep. He's not hyper talking, but his thoughts are jumbled, he struggles to stay on track in conversation. So another night of missed sleep and I fear we're off to the races.
I tried to explain to him yesterday that what SHOULD have happened is that he be under the care of a Psychiatrist when he stopped his meds, then the doctor could prescribe a sleep aid. But since he's refused to stay in care, he's in the position of having no one to help him with all this.
We also talked about 'what if', something he wasn't willing to talk about before. I told him that when he stops his meds it's possible he'll be fine, but it's also possible that he'll struggle with sleep and become manic. "You say you don't want to be hospitalized again EVER, but the first thing they do is give you sedatives to bring you down. If you become manic again, WHAT do you want me to do?"
"Nothing!"
"But honey, you can't just go on like that, in that state! A manic episode can last MONTHS, I barely made it through that one day with you like that! I suppose if you were under the care of a psychiatrist, he might be able to prescribe something that we could have on hand to assist in bringing you down, but you're not under the care of ANYONE. Honey, you kind of put me in a bad position here. You don't want to go to the hospital, but I have no real tools here to help you in a situation like that."
Nothing was really settled yesterday. I still have no idea what I'll do if he becomes manic again, I suppose I'd have to call the police and have him hospitalized against his will, but man, I hate the thought of having to do that.
Since he missed another nights sleep last night, I imagine the next day or two are going to be interesting.
So, I'm learning. I'm learning how to find the right words and the right moments to impact Josh's thinking.
Please keep Josh in your prayers. I'm almost sure the roller coaster is cresting the hill again.
Well, As Birthdays Go, That One Sucked
Originally posted on my private blog on June 14, 2010
Thank you for all your Birthday wishes. It would have been nice to have a bright sunny birthday, but that's not how it played out.
And really, it was just one more shitty day in a long line of pretty shitty days.
I'm struggling where Josh is concerned and I feel like I'm in a box.
I know how to get out. Of course I do! You open these flaps up here and climb out!
Easy right?
Only, I try to open the flaps, and THIS box isn't like any box I've ever encountered before. I push up on the flaps, and nothing happens. I try to punch through the side of the box and it's made out of some super strong material that won't give.
With Josh, I can SEE what needs to happen. And I know that allowing him to sit in his room doing nothing but getting more depressed isn't helpful.
But I talk to him and tell him that he's got to act. Must look for a job! Must participate in getting his life on track!
And I get blank stares.
I tell him, "You know that TV you've watched all week is run on electricity that I pay for. The food you've eaten all week has been provided by me. The hot water you shower with, the air conditioning you soak up? All me. How would you like it if I shut the breaker off to your room, disconnected your plumbing?"
"Go ahead."
Josh went to sleep Saturday night about 1AM (guess that's technically Sunday morning) and when I tried to get him up for my Birthday lunch at 2, he wouldn't get up. He talked to me, told me he was hungry, but after four trips into his room, I gave up.
I finally got him up at almost 6 PM! He had slept, well, you do the math. A LONG time!
When he got up he accused me of not even trying to get him up.
So, he didn't sleep last night at all, which means today I dealt with a young man whose thought processes were completely jumbled. There was no reasoning with him. So finally, I gave up trying to actually talk to him, and just listened to him.
For SIX hours.
And when I told him that I had to get ready to go out, he got angry and said that I didn't care about him. (I was going to a Bipolar Support Group meeting, because honestly? I could give a shit about the kid.)
So basically, not a lot of fun around HERE today.
Thank you for all your Birthday wishes. It would have been nice to have a bright sunny birthday, but that's not how it played out.
And really, it was just one more shitty day in a long line of pretty shitty days.
I'm struggling where Josh is concerned and I feel like I'm in a box.
I know how to get out. Of course I do! You open these flaps up here and climb out!
Easy right?
Only, I try to open the flaps, and THIS box isn't like any box I've ever encountered before. I push up on the flaps, and nothing happens. I try to punch through the side of the box and it's made out of some super strong material that won't give.
With Josh, I can SEE what needs to happen. And I know that allowing him to sit in his room doing nothing but getting more depressed isn't helpful.
But I talk to him and tell him that he's got to act. Must look for a job! Must participate in getting his life on track!
And I get blank stares.
I tell him, "You know that TV you've watched all week is run on electricity that I pay for. The food you've eaten all week has been provided by me. The hot water you shower with, the air conditioning you soak up? All me. How would you like it if I shut the breaker off to your room, disconnected your plumbing?"
"Go ahead."
Josh went to sleep Saturday night about 1AM (guess that's technically Sunday morning) and when I tried to get him up for my Birthday lunch at 2, he wouldn't get up. He talked to me, told me he was hungry, but after four trips into his room, I gave up.
I finally got him up at almost 6 PM! He had slept, well, you do the math. A LONG time!
When he got up he accused me of not even trying to get him up.
So, he didn't sleep last night at all, which means today I dealt with a young man whose thought processes were completely jumbled. There was no reasoning with him. So finally, I gave up trying to actually talk to him, and just listened to him.
For SIX hours.
And when I told him that I had to get ready to go out, he got angry and said that I didn't care about him. (I was going to a Bipolar Support Group meeting, because honestly? I could give a shit about the kid.)
So basically, not a lot of fun around HERE today.
And The Adventure Continues
Originally posted on my private blog on May 23, 2010
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
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