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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Two Long Years

Here I sit, just a little more than two years after Josh was diagnosed with Bipolar II.

A year or so in he was still in complete denial, then almost a year on very successful medications, and now, several months with no meds.

I see the changes in him, with no meds, but he's doing OK.  He's snippy, with me and I'm sure with the people he works with.  He complains about work when he calls me on his breaks, but when I see him, he seems mostly happy and normal.

I'm not sure what to think to be honest, but I can tell you that I feel like I'm holding my breath.

If I'm correct, and Josh cycles seasonally, I would assume he'll remain in his present state until we move into spring next year.  Then again, a major stressor coming alone might send him cycling?

Right now the hardest part of this for me is knowing HOW GOOD...no...HOW GREAT...he is on meds.

I've made it clear to him that my financial support is over.  He is in a position to more than support himself as a Dog Groomer.  If he cycles and somehow loses that job...he's on his own.

"You have a lot at stake here Josh, I just can't imagine why you'd want to jeopardize all you've built."

The only small hope I hold onto is that a year ago, when he was suffering through hypomania, HE came to ME and asked me to help him find a doctor, feeling like he couldn't live like that.

I just hope that he gets to that point sooner this time if he cycles...you know...before he destroys this wonderful life he's built.

I'm so proud of how far he was able to come, against some pretty difficult odds (bipolar and the economy).  I got a good long glimpse of who Josh is capable of being as an adult; responsible, caring, kind, loving, fun and fun loving).

I want him to be his best, and to me, he's his best self ON MEDS.