Originally posted on my private blog on June 6, 2010
Josh and I got home yesterday afternoon. All in all it was a good trip, one I can at least look back on and 'see' what Josh on medication 'looks like'.
His intention is to see the nurse at the mental health center and get instructions for stepping off his medication now that we're home. And one of the first things he did after we got home was smoke pot. Sigh.
No way does he think he has Bipolar Disorder and therefore he doesn't need to be on medication.
There were many opportunities on vacation to discuss all this with Josh, where I was able to illustrate to him THEN (back home raging and being all over the place emotionally) to NOW (on medication and much more stabilized mood wise). But he doesn't SEE it, doesn't see the difference as being medication based as much as just vacation based.
"There's no stress here Mom and that's the difference."
In all of this I keep getting the strongest feeling that God works in mysterious ways. That this trip (that was supposed to be enjoyed by my boyfriend and me) turned out being shared by Josh and me, well, it seems there was a higher power at work that created this set of circumstances.
As we traveled home, there was another moment that felt like God's hand at work. We stopped in a rest area and as we walked out of the building towards our car, there was a guy in front of us RAGING at the older gentleman that was with him. The guy was in his late twenties and it was clear that he had some kind of mental handicap. He was screaming and cussing and was very animated in his disgust with this older gentlemen.
They arrived at their car, and there was a woman waiting there for them holding a very young baby. This guy reached into the car and pulled out a large heavy plastic shovel and started threatening the older gentlemen with it telling him he was not getting in the f*@king car with them.
The older gentlemen stepped away to the sidewalk and his demeanor broke my heart. Submissive, clearly in pain.....lost.
I saw myself standing there and Josh raging at me. I so related to what this gentlemen was going through and I said to Josh, "I hate to say it honey, but that guy? He is behaving so much like you behave when you're in a rage."
"I don't act like that!"
"Yes you do, you are just that way when you get upset with me."
As we entered the interstate, Josh shut off the radio, "We need to talk about this, cause that is NOT how I act."
"Yes it is Josh and I understand that you can't see it, but you are THAT BAD, so angry and loud that the neighbors become concerned for my safety."
We talked back and forth about it with Josh defending himself by stating that HIS behavior is MY fault. The way I talk to him, the things I say inflame him. I pointed out that he's not had any rages on vacation and that, believe it or not, I'm the same person this week on vacation as I was last week at home AND honestly? NOTHING I could say or do would justify him treating me the way he has. He was becoming more and more upset so I finally defused the situation by telling him that I needed to concentrate on my driving.
But I couldn't really get him to see that his behavior over the last several weeks was inappropriate to the circumstances and that on this medication, his irritability was greatly diminished.
He pointed out to me that his rages have become worse ON the medication and I pointed out that on THIS dosage of medication, with no pot or alcohol interference, he had been FINE.
Like all the conversations we had about the subject of Bipolar and medication while we were on vacation, this one ended in frustration for both of us, but if nothing else, we had the conversation and I left him with food for thought.
But I don't think it was just a coincidence that we encountered that guy at the rest stop.
In the end, nothing has really changed regarding Josh. We are back at square one really. He's going to stop his medication, he doesn't accept the reality of his condition, and the roller coaster is slowly climbing back up the big hill.
I'm unhappy that not more was accomplished on vacation. It would have been really nice and tidy if he'd had a moment of clarity and could SEE the facts, but that didn't happen. At the very least I now know that THIS dosage of medication with no substance abuse works. It would need to be tweaked, there might be additional medications needed to deal with sleep issues or some of the side effects of the medication, but we were closer than we've been so far in hitting 'normal'.
On vacation, on this medication, our conversations were 'normal'. No delusion, no bizarre subject matters.
I imagine when he stops his medication, his thought processes will return to being more abnormal with hints of delusion.
He CANNOT have a normal life, normal relationships in that state. I've made it clear to him that I am not willing to go back to living as we have been, with him raging at me. I tried to discuss 'what if' with him. "What if you go off your medication and you begin raging at me again, what if you become manic and delusional again?"
He wouldn't discuss it, totally dismissed it as me being unreasonable. "Mom, we don't need 'a plan' about 'what if' cause I'm gonna be fine."
He doesn't SEE, can't seem to 'get' the reality of how he WAS compared to how he IS on medication.
The only thing I really accomplished on vacation was getting him to agree that if he intended to stop his medication, that he do it under the care of a professional AND while he's said he doesn't intend to continue therapy, on the way home he said he'd like to see MY therapist.
I emailed her last night and gave her a brief synopsis of the situation and asked if she'd be willing to see Josh and possibly as time unfolded, she could point him in the direction of a psychiatrist, because he REALLY needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist.
So, that's where we are right now and it's not a very comfortable place for me to be. I have no idea how Josh will be once he's stepped off this medication. It's POSSIBLE he'll be fine, but more than likely things are going to go to hell in a handbasket (again).
I'm still very sad about the ending of my relationship with my boyfriend. I could kick myself for putting myself through the last couple of months, I should have walked away long ago, because the fact of the matter is that he isn't capable right now of having a grown up relationship. And with all I'm going through with Josh, I don't have what it takes emotionally to try to hold it all together.
Dealing with loss is always hard, and I'm kind of dealing with a double whammy of it. As hard as it is to deal with the loss of my relationship, the much more difficult loss I'm feeling is the loss regarding Josh.
I don't want him to be defined by Bipolar Disorder, but I can't help but feel that I've lost 'normal' and I'm not sure when or even if we'll ever find 'normal' again. I FEEL like I've lost my son, and while I know it doesn't HAVE to be that way, sitting here today I haven't a clue if I'll ever see MY Josh again, and that is a loss that is so hard to deal with.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
If I'm Ever Gonna be a Grandmother, It Better Happen Soon
Originally posted on my private blog on June 3, 2010
Yesterday Josh and I traveled 7 hours round trip to Orlando to visit Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure.
When we arrived back at the condo last night, we showered and crashed. I laid in bed thinking that I'm getting too old for this shit. I have always envisioned myself taking my grandkids to Disney World, etc. After yesterday, I'm thinking that by the time I have grandkids, I'm gonna be too old to walk, let alone spend the day walking around in the hot sun, having my brains scrambled on coasters.
We did have an enjoyable day though and today is our last day here.
We check out tomorrow and begin the two day drive back home.
Josh had a very sad moment Tuesday night which in turn made me very sad.
I've tried to talk to him further about what happens when we get home, I've stressed the importance of him doing 'whatever he plans to do' regarding medication under the care of a psychiatrist. If I push too far, he gets angry, so I'm walking a fine line.
It's very hard to accept that he's going to undo all the good this trip has done. He is stable on medication although his periods of sadness still need to be addressed, as do some of the side effects, but he is closer to his normal self than I've seen him for months now.
He still hasn't accepted that he has Bipolar Disorder, let alone accept what he has to do to control it. And I just keep talking as opportunities appear.
I will try to hold onto the gift that this time together has been no matter what happens when we get home. I now have a vision of what is possible for him, even if he can't see it.
Please keep us in your prayers, as I continue to pray that God will guide me.
Yesterday Josh and I traveled 7 hours round trip to Orlando to visit Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure.
When we arrived back at the condo last night, we showered and crashed. I laid in bed thinking that I'm getting too old for this shit. I have always envisioned myself taking my grandkids to Disney World, etc. After yesterday, I'm thinking that by the time I have grandkids, I'm gonna be too old to walk, let alone spend the day walking around in the hot sun, having my brains scrambled on coasters.
We did have an enjoyable day though and today is our last day here.
We check out tomorrow and begin the two day drive back home.
Josh had a very sad moment Tuesday night which in turn made me very sad.
I've tried to talk to him further about what happens when we get home, I've stressed the importance of him doing 'whatever he plans to do' regarding medication under the care of a psychiatrist. If I push too far, he gets angry, so I'm walking a fine line.
It's very hard to accept that he's going to undo all the good this trip has done. He is stable on medication although his periods of sadness still need to be addressed, as do some of the side effects, but he is closer to his normal self than I've seen him for months now.
He still hasn't accepted that he has Bipolar Disorder, let alone accept what he has to do to control it. And I just keep talking as opportunities appear.
I will try to hold onto the gift that this time together has been no matter what happens when we get home. I now have a vision of what is possible for him, even if he can't see it.
Please keep us in your prayers, as I continue to pray that God will guide me.
Vacation Update
Originally posted on my private blog on May 30, 2010
We're here on this beautiful Florida Island. My time is focused almost solely on Josh. I have a pocket of free time in the mornings because I'm an early riser and Josh sleeps until about 10. I may not be able to finish this post and tie it up with a bow, so I'll get to the important points first.
Josh is doing better everyday.
Our trip down was difficult, but only in the sense that I felt I was traveling with a 12 year old Zombie. Josh didn't talk a lot and when he did there were moments of delusion that popped out. He complained a lot about the medication he was taking, how it made him feel both physically and mentally. I have been concerned that forcing him to stay on this medication for the duration of our vacation was a mistake, there is a fair measure of guilt that comes into play when you hear and see the effects of your decision.
But each day I've seen improvements in his general mood, I've seen very little delusion. He is less Zombie like, but very 'slow' thinking, which is unlike him. Yesterday was the best day yet. We went out to breakfast, did our grocery shopping for the week and then spent several hours at the beach. We drove into town last night and played putt putt, stopped for ice cream and then came back to the condo and watched a movie together.
Josh seems to get very sad in the evenings and there are tears and proclamations that his future is nonexistent.
I talk and cry with him, reassure him that on the other side of all this, there is hope. I hold him when he cries and tell him how much I love him.
Josh told me that he finds this place very relaxing and you can see that in his demeanor. He is very calm, but he worries about the short term memory loss that is a side effect of this medication. I remind him that many of these side effects dissipate over time, that his body and brain are working hard to adjust.
Putt putt is something that the boys and I have always done together, no matter where we vacation. I pretty much suck at it and Josh, being the very competitive person that he is, takes the whole thing very seriously. When he suggested Putt Putt last night it thrilled me that he wanted to do something that was so much a 'normal' part of our vacations.
I schooled him. I've NEVER beaten him at Putt Putt before, the ending score was very close. I was three over par, he was four over. I told him later, "Well, I considered letting you win, like I used to do when you were little."
He got a sly smile and busted out laughing, cause he knows I never LET him win in the past, I just suck.
And right there in that little story is the saddest part of this for me. To see him like he was while we played, his reaction to my little joke...well, it's heartbreaking to think that such a small, seemingly insignificant moment can take on such magnitude, because all I can hang my hat on right now are the smallest of 'victories'.
When we stopped for ice cream last night, the two girls working the counter were HOT, and they were all over him, didn't take their eyes off him. They flirted and he flirted back. Josh so badly wants a girlfriend and he's feeling unattractive and undesirable. The fact of the matter is that Josh is a very good looking guy, but in his current emotional state, he'd scare any girl away who got close enough to see his cracks. Clearly though, he's still 'got it'.
When we sat down with our cones I told him, "Those girls were eye f@*king you."
This town is very different than the island we're staying on. As we drove through, there were hot men and women everywhere, barely clothed. On the island, it's mostly families and couples and the median age is probably 40. Not many hot bodies on the beaches here.
"Maybe you'd like to come over here to the beach one day? It might be more fun than the beach at the condo."
"I dunno Mom. Yea, there are lots more hot girls over here, but I'm not gonna really meet any of them and it might just drive me nuts having to look at them all."
My problem is going to be keeping Josh occupied. I imagine everyday we'll spend several hours on the beach (as long as no oil washes ashore) or at the pool and then we'll have an afternoon activity of some kind planned. I'm going to try to find time tomorrow morning to search for activities off island, I even considered looking into driving to Orlando and spending an evening and day at Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure.
Keeping us occupied could wind up costing me a fortune :)
So, all in all, he's doing as well as I could hope for and I have my fingers crossed that there is no backsliding, that each day continues to present gifts.
I'm missing my boyfriend; missing the vacation that we were supposed to share.
Like Josh, it's easy to look at where my life is at RIGHT NOW and wonder about my own future. I'll be 53 years old in a few weeks and once again, I'm all alone. My desire to find that one special person to spend the rest of my life with seems like just that, desire, with little hope. On the other hand, as Josh said yesterday, "Jesus Mom, you don't LOOK 53, you're in great shape and you're smart and funny, don't count yourself out. Just like those girls in the ice cream store, I see guys checking you out all the time."
"Yea, well, that's what guys do honey, it doesn't mean much."
"Well, guys don't check out the unattractive girls Mom."
I do know this. I feel strongly that everything having to do with this vacation has played out the way it was supposed to. Bringing Josh here was fraught with concerns and yet, so far, I can see that this time can be very valuable for him. This time with ME, this time to adjust to his medication. And I believe the situation with my boyfriend has played out as it was meant to. Who knows, perhaps this is what needed to happen FOR him?
And because I so strongly believe in the concept that everything happens for a reason, I have to have faith that there was a reason for all of this and that God has plans for me and for my future that I can't even imagine at this point.
Now, Josh is up and I'm off to make him breakfast.
We're here on this beautiful Florida Island. My time is focused almost solely on Josh. I have a pocket of free time in the mornings because I'm an early riser and Josh sleeps until about 10. I may not be able to finish this post and tie it up with a bow, so I'll get to the important points first.
Josh is doing better everyday.
Our trip down was difficult, but only in the sense that I felt I was traveling with a 12 year old Zombie. Josh didn't talk a lot and when he did there were moments of delusion that popped out. He complained a lot about the medication he was taking, how it made him feel both physically and mentally. I have been concerned that forcing him to stay on this medication for the duration of our vacation was a mistake, there is a fair measure of guilt that comes into play when you hear and see the effects of your decision.
But each day I've seen improvements in his general mood, I've seen very little delusion. He is less Zombie like, but very 'slow' thinking, which is unlike him. Yesterday was the best day yet. We went out to breakfast, did our grocery shopping for the week and then spent several hours at the beach. We drove into town last night and played putt putt, stopped for ice cream and then came back to the condo and watched a movie together.
Josh seems to get very sad in the evenings and there are tears and proclamations that his future is nonexistent.
I talk and cry with him, reassure him that on the other side of all this, there is hope. I hold him when he cries and tell him how much I love him.
Josh told me that he finds this place very relaxing and you can see that in his demeanor. He is very calm, but he worries about the short term memory loss that is a side effect of this medication. I remind him that many of these side effects dissipate over time, that his body and brain are working hard to adjust.
Putt putt is something that the boys and I have always done together, no matter where we vacation. I pretty much suck at it and Josh, being the very competitive person that he is, takes the whole thing very seriously. When he suggested Putt Putt last night it thrilled me that he wanted to do something that was so much a 'normal' part of our vacations.
I schooled him. I've NEVER beaten him at Putt Putt before, the ending score was very close. I was three over par, he was four over. I told him later, "Well, I considered letting you win, like I used to do when you were little."
He got a sly smile and busted out laughing, cause he knows I never LET him win in the past, I just suck.
And right there in that little story is the saddest part of this for me. To see him like he was while we played, his reaction to my little joke...well, it's heartbreaking to think that such a small, seemingly insignificant moment can take on such magnitude, because all I can hang my hat on right now are the smallest of 'victories'.
When we stopped for ice cream last night, the two girls working the counter were HOT, and they were all over him, didn't take their eyes off him. They flirted and he flirted back. Josh so badly wants a girlfriend and he's feeling unattractive and undesirable. The fact of the matter is that Josh is a very good looking guy, but in his current emotional state, he'd scare any girl away who got close enough to see his cracks. Clearly though, he's still 'got it'.
When we sat down with our cones I told him, "Those girls were eye f@*king you."
This town is very different than the island we're staying on. As we drove through, there were hot men and women everywhere, barely clothed. On the island, it's mostly families and couples and the median age is probably 40. Not many hot bodies on the beaches here.
"Maybe you'd like to come over here to the beach one day? It might be more fun than the beach at the condo."
"I dunno Mom. Yea, there are lots more hot girls over here, but I'm not gonna really meet any of them and it might just drive me nuts having to look at them all."
My problem is going to be keeping Josh occupied. I imagine everyday we'll spend several hours on the beach (as long as no oil washes ashore) or at the pool and then we'll have an afternoon activity of some kind planned. I'm going to try to find time tomorrow morning to search for activities off island, I even considered looking into driving to Orlando and spending an evening and day at Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure.
Keeping us occupied could wind up costing me a fortune :)
So, all in all, he's doing as well as I could hope for and I have my fingers crossed that there is no backsliding, that each day continues to present gifts.
I'm missing my boyfriend; missing the vacation that we were supposed to share.
Like Josh, it's easy to look at where my life is at RIGHT NOW and wonder about my own future. I'll be 53 years old in a few weeks and once again, I'm all alone. My desire to find that one special person to spend the rest of my life with seems like just that, desire, with little hope. On the other hand, as Josh said yesterday, "Jesus Mom, you don't LOOK 53, you're in great shape and you're smart and funny, don't count yourself out. Just like those girls in the ice cream store, I see guys checking you out all the time."
"Yea, well, that's what guys do honey, it doesn't mean much."
"Well, guys don't check out the unattractive girls Mom."
I do know this. I feel strongly that everything having to do with this vacation has played out the way it was supposed to. Bringing Josh here was fraught with concerns and yet, so far, I can see that this time can be very valuable for him. This time with ME, this time to adjust to his medication. And I believe the situation with my boyfriend has played out as it was meant to. Who knows, perhaps this is what needed to happen FOR him?
And because I so strongly believe in the concept that everything happens for a reason, I have to have faith that there was a reason for all of this and that God has plans for me and for my future that I can't even imagine at this point.
Now, Josh is up and I'm off to make him breakfast.
The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf
Originally posted on my private blog on May 24, 2010
I don't remember my parents reading to me when I was little. I'm not saying they didn't, in fact in a family album I have that belonged to my father, there are pictures of my sister sitting on his lap while he read her a book, so I'm sure they did read to us, I just have no memory of it.
And that makes me wonder (and I intend to ask the boys) if they remember ME reading to them, because I did. A lot. Jordan would sit on my lap for HOURS, literally HOURS, from a very young age, and listen to me read. Josh was more the type of kid who'd listen to two or three books and be done, but I read to him everyday, several times throughout the day.
Anyway, I don't remember being read to, but I remember my father telling me the story of the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. I can remember asking him, at bedtime, to tell me the story again. I must have heard it hundreds of times, and each time my heart would race when the Wolf really was after the little boy and he'd cry and cry for help, "Wolf! Wolf!", but no one would respond because he'd tricked them so many times by calling "Wolf!" when there really wasn't a Wolf after him.
This tale has many lessons in it, but the one that brought the tale to my mind earlier today is the lesson of abuse of trust. Somehow in my twisted little mind, it made me think of my boyfriend. He's like that little boy who keeps tricking the villagers and then is shocked when they don't respond as expected.
Sad.
He spent the evening texting me and ALL his texts were in regards to his feelings about the loss of his vacation plans. At one point he asked if we still couldn't go on vacation together, after all, there are two bedrooms in the condo. Then he commented, "We could have broke up after vacation you know."
It hurts beyond belief that a vacation seems to be a greater loss to him then losing our relationship. I can imagine how disappointed he is to have plans we've been making since January fall apart in this way at the last minute, but his immaturity and limitations are really showing when he A) can't for a second put himself in my place and realize that what I'm going thru with Josh trumps EVERYTHING, and B) can't take just a gander at his behavior that resulted in this turn of events.
I feel awful that all this fell apart as it did at the last minute, and on top of that I'm trying to cope with Josh, I'm consumed with doubts and fears.
Josh slept until noon Sunday and when he got up I talked with him about going to Florida with me. He was resistant, but as we talked I could tell he was coming around. "You know Josh, the other thing is that I don't really want to go to Florida alone. I'm sad about what's happened with my boyfriend and I and you and Jordan are the only people who really know everything that happened, I may need you there to talk to, to help me when the sadness gets to be too much."
"Don't play that card Mom."
"No really, can you imagine how hard it would be to be all alone and sad and have no one to talk to about it? You're so good at helping me remember why this is the best thing for me."
In the end he agreed to go to Florida with me, and he agreed to stay on 150 mg of medication until we got home.
He had to work from 2-5, and during the few hours we were together he was irritable, but generally OK.
He went to work and during the afternoon two of my neighbors 'stopped by'. They both expressed concern about Josh's outbursts yesterday and they both pointed out that Josh seems to be getting more and more volatile. I hadn't told my neighbors about Josh's diagnosis or his hospitalizations, but I shared with them the saga that began with Josh's depression and ended with him being diagnosed with Bipolar.
My neighbor across the street told me that his son (who is a year younger than Josh...Josh and he used to be best friends, but had a falling out four or five years ago) is Bipolar. "But he was never as volatile as Josh seems to be, and Melody, I don't want to intrude but as I've listened to his outbursts over the last month or so, I'm increasing concerned for your safety. I felt I needed to come over and talk to you and let you know that I'm here for you, Chuck next door is here for you. I know you're all alone here but I don't want you to feel alone, we're right here if you need us.
When Josh got home he was pretty upset. His boss had ignored his schedule request for vacation and wouldn't respond to his phone calls. Throughout the evening he got more and more upset, feeling like his boss purposely scheduled him knowing he wouldn't make his shifts and then he could fire him. (I'm quite sure Josh hasn't been a model employee over the last few months and his boss has had to cover Josh's schedule when he was hospitalized, so it's quite possible he's trying to force a situation). I have no idea how many times Josh called and texted him, and nothing I said could get him calmed down about the whole thing.
THEN, he got the blue screen of death on his computer when he was trying to get online to schedule classes for the fall, so that created more yelling and fuming.
And THEN he went to watch a movie that had come in the mail from Blockbuster and when he opened it, it was cracked in two.
He started yelling and carrying on and flew out of the house and left in his car.
When he finally returned, he was very agitated and began crying and had a meltdown about how pointless life is and how MUCH he doesn't want to be here anymore.
By this time it was 10 PM. I had 'suggested' at nine that he take his meds but he got angry and told me he'd take them when he wanted to. So I 'suggested' it again, and again he got mad at me.
"Well Josh, you promised to take your meds the way your supposed to from now until we get home from Florida."
"Fine, I'll take them, I'll do what you want."
I don't think he ever took them though. He went to his room, I shut the house up for the night and turned out the lights and went to bed.
At 11 I heard him leave. I knew he was going to get his friend, Issac (who is really no friend to Josh. He has no job, no car. His girlfriend is still in High School and so when she has to go to bed for the night, he'll call Josh to come get him and then Josh has to drive him home....usually at 2 or 3 in the morning). I called him, "Are you going to get Issac?"
"Yes"
"Josh, I'm trying to sleep, I have to work tomorrow and YOU shouldn't be driving if you've taken your medication."
"Mom, we're just going to quietly hang out in my room and you don't need to worry about me or my driving or my medication! Do you want me to just drive this car into a tree?! Cause if you don't shut the f@*k up, that's what I'm gonna do!"
Yes, the animals are running this Zoo!
I woke up at 1:30, Josh was coming in from taking Issac home. I have no idea if he took his medication, but if he'd taken it at 10, he'd have been sawing logs by midnight.
Here's my dilemma. I really feel that IF Josh would take his medication as he should for the next few days, by the time we leave for Florida he will be manageable. Being away for 11 days ON his medication will be good for him. So I'm trying to cut him a wide berth here to get him to Florida with me. BUT, if he's NOT going to take his medication as he should until we go, or if he mixes it with pot and alcohol, he's not going to be in a good state of mind when it's time to go and there's no way I can take him in a car for a two day drive if he's in a volatile state.
Everyone has an opinion and half the people tell me I should just go without him if he's not in a good frame of mind at the time. They think I should just leave him here and whatever havoc is created as a result may be enough havoc to create a 'bottom' for Josh.
Other's, like my neighbor who has a Bipolar young adult, feel there is no way Josh should be left up to his own devices, that the ramifications of such a thing are too great, that the seriousness of this situation is dire.
And me? I've been awake since 1:30. Unable to sleep, eaten up with fear, wallowing in pain and sorrow.
Josh will more than likely sleep well past noon today, he was up so late, which means tonight he'll be up even later and sleep later tomorrow, so I predict that he won't sleep at all tomorrow night and by Tuesday he will be right back where he was Saturday. And if you ask my neighbors, they'll tell you that wasn't a very good place.
I told my sister (who unfortunately lives out of state or she'd come and stay with him while I'm on vacation) that it seems there should be a place where you could 'send' this kid where he could live for a month under constant care, with ongoing therapy. However, if such a place existed, it would cost more money than I have and in the end, my kid would probably come out stabilized and quickly mess it all up anyway.
She feels that, just like with my boyfriend, the time will come when I'm DONE with Josh too and setting him out on his own won't feel like such a horrible thing to me.
The ONLY thing I know to do right now today that MIGHT help is to call the therapist at the IOP and ask for his advice. And to go to the Bipolar Support Group meeting tonight.
Projecting forward, I see no way that Josh will be in a frame of mind where I'll feel safe taking him to Florida and I see no way, that in my heart I can go and leave him here on his own. If only he would go to his Father's while I'm gone, cause I NEED to get away from all this for awhile, but I can't go if I'm not comfortable that he's being cared for.
Sorry for the long, rambling post. When I started it at 5 AM I had no idea it would go to where it's gone. Anyway, cut me some slack, I'm operating on less than three hours sleep.
I don't remember my parents reading to me when I was little. I'm not saying they didn't, in fact in a family album I have that belonged to my father, there are pictures of my sister sitting on his lap while he read her a book, so I'm sure they did read to us, I just have no memory of it.
And that makes me wonder (and I intend to ask the boys) if they remember ME reading to them, because I did. A lot. Jordan would sit on my lap for HOURS, literally HOURS, from a very young age, and listen to me read. Josh was more the type of kid who'd listen to two or three books and be done, but I read to him everyday, several times throughout the day.
Anyway, I don't remember being read to, but I remember my father telling me the story of the Little Boy Who Cried Wolf. I can remember asking him, at bedtime, to tell me the story again. I must have heard it hundreds of times, and each time my heart would race when the Wolf really was after the little boy and he'd cry and cry for help, "Wolf! Wolf!", but no one would respond because he'd tricked them so many times by calling "Wolf!" when there really wasn't a Wolf after him.
This tale has many lessons in it, but the one that brought the tale to my mind earlier today is the lesson of abuse of trust. Somehow in my twisted little mind, it made me think of my boyfriend. He's like that little boy who keeps tricking the villagers and then is shocked when they don't respond as expected.
Sad.
He spent the evening texting me and ALL his texts were in regards to his feelings about the loss of his vacation plans. At one point he asked if we still couldn't go on vacation together, after all, there are two bedrooms in the condo. Then he commented, "We could have broke up after vacation you know."
It hurts beyond belief that a vacation seems to be a greater loss to him then losing our relationship. I can imagine how disappointed he is to have plans we've been making since January fall apart in this way at the last minute, but his immaturity and limitations are really showing when he A) can't for a second put himself in my place and realize that what I'm going thru with Josh trumps EVERYTHING, and B) can't take just a gander at his behavior that resulted in this turn of events.
I feel awful that all this fell apart as it did at the last minute, and on top of that I'm trying to cope with Josh, I'm consumed with doubts and fears.
Josh slept until noon Sunday and when he got up I talked with him about going to Florida with me. He was resistant, but as we talked I could tell he was coming around. "You know Josh, the other thing is that I don't really want to go to Florida alone. I'm sad about what's happened with my boyfriend and I and you and Jordan are the only people who really know everything that happened, I may need you there to talk to, to help me when the sadness gets to be too much."
"Don't play that card Mom."
"No really, can you imagine how hard it would be to be all alone and sad and have no one to talk to about it? You're so good at helping me remember why this is the best thing for me."
In the end he agreed to go to Florida with me, and he agreed to stay on 150 mg of medication until we got home.
He had to work from 2-5, and during the few hours we were together he was irritable, but generally OK.
He went to work and during the afternoon two of my neighbors 'stopped by'. They both expressed concern about Josh's outbursts yesterday and they both pointed out that Josh seems to be getting more and more volatile. I hadn't told my neighbors about Josh's diagnosis or his hospitalizations, but I shared with them the saga that began with Josh's depression and ended with him being diagnosed with Bipolar.
My neighbor across the street told me that his son (who is a year younger than Josh...Josh and he used to be best friends, but had a falling out four or five years ago) is Bipolar. "But he was never as volatile as Josh seems to be, and Melody, I don't want to intrude but as I've listened to his outbursts over the last month or so, I'm increasing concerned for your safety. I felt I needed to come over and talk to you and let you know that I'm here for you, Chuck next door is here for you. I know you're all alone here but I don't want you to feel alone, we're right here if you need us.
When Josh got home he was pretty upset. His boss had ignored his schedule request for vacation and wouldn't respond to his phone calls. Throughout the evening he got more and more upset, feeling like his boss purposely scheduled him knowing he wouldn't make his shifts and then he could fire him. (I'm quite sure Josh hasn't been a model employee over the last few months and his boss has had to cover Josh's schedule when he was hospitalized, so it's quite possible he's trying to force a situation). I have no idea how many times Josh called and texted him, and nothing I said could get him calmed down about the whole thing.
THEN, he got the blue screen of death on his computer when he was trying to get online to schedule classes for the fall, so that created more yelling and fuming.
And THEN he went to watch a movie that had come in the mail from Blockbuster and when he opened it, it was cracked in two.
He started yelling and carrying on and flew out of the house and left in his car.
When he finally returned, he was very agitated and began crying and had a meltdown about how pointless life is and how MUCH he doesn't want to be here anymore.
By this time it was 10 PM. I had 'suggested' at nine that he take his meds but he got angry and told me he'd take them when he wanted to. So I 'suggested' it again, and again he got mad at me.
"Well Josh, you promised to take your meds the way your supposed to from now until we get home from Florida."
"Fine, I'll take them, I'll do what you want."
I don't think he ever took them though. He went to his room, I shut the house up for the night and turned out the lights and went to bed.
At 11 I heard him leave. I knew he was going to get his friend, Issac (who is really no friend to Josh. He has no job, no car. His girlfriend is still in High School and so when she has to go to bed for the night, he'll call Josh to come get him and then Josh has to drive him home....usually at 2 or 3 in the morning). I called him, "Are you going to get Issac?"
"Yes"
"Josh, I'm trying to sleep, I have to work tomorrow and YOU shouldn't be driving if you've taken your medication."
"Mom, we're just going to quietly hang out in my room and you don't need to worry about me or my driving or my medication! Do you want me to just drive this car into a tree?! Cause if you don't shut the f@*k up, that's what I'm gonna do!"
Yes, the animals are running this Zoo!
I woke up at 1:30, Josh was coming in from taking Issac home. I have no idea if he took his medication, but if he'd taken it at 10, he'd have been sawing logs by midnight.
Here's my dilemma. I really feel that IF Josh would take his medication as he should for the next few days, by the time we leave for Florida he will be manageable. Being away for 11 days ON his medication will be good for him. So I'm trying to cut him a wide berth here to get him to Florida with me. BUT, if he's NOT going to take his medication as he should until we go, or if he mixes it with pot and alcohol, he's not going to be in a good state of mind when it's time to go and there's no way I can take him in a car for a two day drive if he's in a volatile state.
Everyone has an opinion and half the people tell me I should just go without him if he's not in a good frame of mind at the time. They think I should just leave him here and whatever havoc is created as a result may be enough havoc to create a 'bottom' for Josh.
Other's, like my neighbor who has a Bipolar young adult, feel there is no way Josh should be left up to his own devices, that the ramifications of such a thing are too great, that the seriousness of this situation is dire.
And me? I've been awake since 1:30. Unable to sleep, eaten up with fear, wallowing in pain and sorrow.
Josh will more than likely sleep well past noon today, he was up so late, which means tonight he'll be up even later and sleep later tomorrow, so I predict that he won't sleep at all tomorrow night and by Tuesday he will be right back where he was Saturday. And if you ask my neighbors, they'll tell you that wasn't a very good place.
I told my sister (who unfortunately lives out of state or she'd come and stay with him while I'm on vacation) that it seems there should be a place where you could 'send' this kid where he could live for a month under constant care, with ongoing therapy. However, if such a place existed, it would cost more money than I have and in the end, my kid would probably come out stabilized and quickly mess it all up anyway.
She feels that, just like with my boyfriend, the time will come when I'm DONE with Josh too and setting him out on his own won't feel like such a horrible thing to me.
The ONLY thing I know to do right now today that MIGHT help is to call the therapist at the IOP and ask for his advice. And to go to the Bipolar Support Group meeting tonight.
Projecting forward, I see no way that Josh will be in a frame of mind where I'll feel safe taking him to Florida and I see no way, that in my heart I can go and leave him here on his own. If only he would go to his Father's while I'm gone, cause I NEED to get away from all this for awhile, but I can't go if I'm not comfortable that he's being cared for.
Sorry for the long, rambling post. When I started it at 5 AM I had no idea it would go to where it's gone. Anyway, cut me some slack, I'm operating on less than three hours sleep.
And The Adventure Continues
Originally posted on my private blog on May 23, 2010
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
Sometimes when the suckage of life is at an all time high, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to keep in mind that, in spite of the suckage, what we are experiencing is simply Life. (At least that's what my blogging buddy A/ keeps telling me).
In all things that occur, the good and the bad, there is at the core of it, lessons to carry forward, emotional muscles to develop, real growth.
Let me take you through the last few days, step by step, so you have an idea of my headspace as things transpired, because the end result is that yesterday was the second worst day of my life.
It's dangerous to label a day as 'the worst day of my life', because life is prone to try to one up itself, which is what has happened to me. In my old blog I wrote a post entitled, "The Worst Day of my Life, Hands Down", about the day I placed my older son into a youth facility against his will in the hopes that he would get clean and sober and get his life turned around.
But then life one upped me and I got to experience what REALLY has been the worst day to date; the day Josh had his first manic episode just a few weeks ago. THAT day was so much more difficult than what I went through with Jordan, to see your child in a state of delusion and have no idea WHAT to do in terms of helping him is far worse than having a child destroying his life with drugs and alcohol. One situation you KNOW how to handle, the other leaves you feeling ill equipped and lost.
And I've been lost every single day since Josh's first manic episode.
Yesterday also trumps my worst day with Jordan.
When Josh decreased his medication to 150 mg, it seemed to improve his general mood. He was much more like himself, in the few days he was on a decreased dose, he exhibited no anger, not even the slightest frustration. I was hopeful that perhaps the improvement would last and that maybe we would maintain an even keel.
Nope.
In addition to Josh's mood swings, I was dealing with ongoing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. The things that had plagued us just seemed to multiply, and Josh's situation was causing me to reconsider whether I had the energy left to devote to a relationship that was becoming increasingly difficult. I love my boyfriend, SO much, but sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome the obstacles.
The most troubling aspect of our relationship was that I lacked a sense of security in this relationship, and without trust, without open communication, you really can't have a relationship. In spite of all this, I wanted very much for us to enjoy our vacation together, we always have a great time together and we both needed to get away from our individual stresses.
SO, Friday night I went over to his house and we packed for the trip. He packed his clothes, I helped him gather up the kitchen things we'd be taking and he packed them. I spent the night and on Saturday morning he went to work and I went home.
When I got home I walked into the second worst day of my life.
Josh was in the shower and he'd left his bathroom door open, so as I went into my office I called a hello into him so he'd know I was home and not come tearing out of the bathroom naked.
"Did you just get up?"
"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you so you don't worry?"
"The truth."
"Well, I never got to sleep last night."
When he got out of the shower and got dressed he came into my office. It was about 10 AM, and from 10AM until bedtime last night, I lived through a pretty awful day and broke up with my boyfriend in the process.
Josh's mood was 'off'. He wasn't manic, he wasn't depressed, he was almost 'zombie' like. He made perfectly good sense 99% of the time and then he'd say something totally nonsensical, like, "Well Mom, you and I could coexist in this house happily if you'd just open your bedroom window."
"Open my bedroom window?!"
"Yes. You have this window open and if you open your bedroom window it would.........(insert far off stare)......balance things."
Early in the morning he got VERY angry with me. He kicked my desk several times and pounded on it several times hard enough that the things on my desk jumped.
I finally got him calmed down but he was talking about plans he had for when I went on vacation. That he and his buddy were going to go down to my ex's wooded property and 'detox'.
"I'm gonna get this medicine out of my system, no drugs or alcohol, no cigarettes. I'm going out into the wild and come back with clarity."
Well, you can imagine my discomfort with this plan. First of all Josh planned on stopping his medication cold turkey....while in the middle of no where....with no cell phone reception....in company with a 20 year old who wouldn't have a clue how to handle the Josh that might appear on no medication.
Josh became agitated off and on, more and more delusional and eventually I called my ex and asked him if he could please come over, that maybe he could reason with Josh. He said he'd call Josh.
Josh talked to his dad for over an hour; calm, seemingly reasonable and cogent, but I only heard a snippit of their conversation.
In the meantime, I text'd my boyfriend and told him that Josh was a mess, in a rage, and that I was trying to talk him into going to the hospital for an evaluation.
Knowing that Josh has scared me before with his behavior, I was expecting a call back, asking if I was ok, or if there was anything he could do to help.
Instead I got a series of texts lamenting what this would do to our vacation. Pointing out how unfair it was that this might effect our vacation plans. Bitching about how hard he's worked doing side jobs during the prior month so he'd have spending money for vacation.
And I was finally done with him, because, not only was trust and communication an issue for us, but that part about being there for each other....obviously wasn't.
The rest of the day with Josh was awful. At one point after Josh insisted he was going to stop his medications in an unsafe manner, he was kicking furniture and pounding his fist into the walls I finally said, "OK, well, you're an adult and you can do what you want, but I don't have to sit by and watch the results. Right now you need to go pack your things and go to your father's."
He said he wouldn't, I said he would or I'd call the police and have him removed from my house. He took my phone and the house phone so I couldn't call the police. I headed out the front door to use a neighbor's phone and he threw the phones at me and stormed off.
So I called his father again (who by this time was sick of the both of us) and asked him to PLEASE come over. For whatever the reason he said, "let me call you right back."
When he called back he asked to talk to Josh and pretty soon Josh was screaming at him (something that NEVER happens). Josh handed the phone back to me and said, "I'm done talking to him and I'm done talking to you."
I took the phone outside and talked to my ex who told me, "Jesus, it's impossible to talk to him when he's like that, you can't reason with him at all!"
Ya think? Welcome to my 24/7 world sweetheart!
In the end my ex told me, "You know Melody, this is so heartbreaking and I feel so helpless and I know you do too, and I don't know what the RIGHT thing to do is, but in the end, maybe you need to let him hit bottom. He says he's not coming over here, he's just gonna GO. You have no control over him, but if he leaves your house, you have even less control. I don't know, that's maybe the eventual outcome, you need to kick him out and stop padding his fall."
"Yes, but Jerry, HORRIBLE things could happen. He could do something and get arrested, he's clearly on the edge of another manic episode and he shouldn't even be driving, he could have a wreck, hurt himself, kill someone else. I mean, there are just some very serious consequences that could occur. How can I kick him out knowing that?!"
"All I know Melody is that until he gets on board with managing his condition, nothing is going to change. You're going to keep going through these types of episodes."
In the end we decided I should try to calm Josh down, let him stay, let him go to work his 5-9 shift and that hopefully when he got home I could get him to take his medicine and get some sleep. That after a night of sleep he would probably be much better mood wise, much easier to deal with and reason with.
So that's what I did. I calmed him down and spent the rest of the afternoon just talking with him, watching him sink further into delusion as the day continued.
He went to work and my boyfriend came over. We had a discussion about the issues in our relationship, about his lack of support on a day when I needed it the most, and in the end, I broke up with him. So much for our vacation!
When Josh came home from work, I encouraged him to take his medication and told him I'd visited the pharmacist who gave me a compatible over the counter sleep aid in case Josh couldn't sleep. The pharmacist advised me that Josh probably hadn't taken his medication the night before. "It's extremely sedative in nature, if he'd taken it, he would have slept. But if your son won't take his medication tonight, give him this. If he takes his medication, give it two hours to work, if he still can't sleep, then give him a dose of this."
Josh needed to take 3 - 50mg pills. He agreed to take one. I finally convinced him to take two. I made him a bite to eat, he ate and went to bed, where he's still asleep.
Josh probably didn't take his medication Friday night and he told me he'd been drinking whiskey, he couldn't tell me how much. This young man just keeps shooting himself in the foot because he won't get on board and stay on board with his treatment plan.
I got the bill yesterday in the mail for his hospitalization. $9,600. This is the REAL tangible cost of all this. How many more hospitalizations is it gonna take before he gets on board. And the intangible costs are mounting as well.
When Josh gets up today I'm hoping that he is in a good frame of mind and can listen to reason. I would like for him to agree to continue his medication at 150 mg, agree to go to Florida with me for 11 days where he will have no access to drugs/alcohol and can just chill with me. I'd like to see what the results would be if he stayed on this dosage for two weeks without the interference of outside substances, that maybe by the end of that time period he would see the benefits of the medication and the need for abstinence with drugs/alcohol.
He may not be agreeable to this, one never knows what mood is going to be present on any given day. I may be in for another really bad day. Who knows?
What I do know is I'll just keep doing the best I can with it. I keep making mistakes, and as a result I keep making things worse, but I'm learning everyday.
If Josh doesn't agree with my Florida plan, than I'm not going.
Sad situations all the way around, BUT, my child is alive and sleeping soundly in his bed.
Right now, that's enough.
Too Many Freakin' T-shirts!
Originally posted on my private blog on May 20, 2010
I haven't been able to post an update for some time because things around here change almost by the minute.
Josh is fine, almost normal, one minute, and in the next minute he's screaming, "F@*k you!" to me and running around the back yard beating the ground with a baseball bat.
Don't ask.
He is quite unhappy at the moment. He doesn't believe he is Bipolar, he HATES the way his medication makes him feel and he thinks his IOP is a huge waste of time and money.
So, he's decided to decrease his medication from 200 mg to 150. At 100 mg he was still all over the place mood wise, but at 200 he says he physically feels awful and his ability to control his anger and stress is worse. He's going to TRY 150 mg, but if he isn't happy with that dosage, he is going to step himself off the medication and use pot in limited amounts to help calm him and help him sleep at night.
He is no longer going to the mental health center and doesn't feel like he needs ongoing therapy.
While all of that sounds pretty terrible, there are parts of it that may not be as bad as they seem.
I attended a support group Monday night that is presented by the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). It was an interesting and informative evening.
One couple in our group has a 17 year old daughter who is Bipolar. Her mother told me that a year and a half ago her daughter chose to stop taking her meds. She smokes a limited amount of pot each evening to help her sleep and she has done well without meds.
"Honestly, I've heard this time and again over the years, pot seems to be a magic bullet for some people with Bipolar, as long as they limit the quantity. I hate to say it, but I wish they'd legalize it."
A book I read on the subject of Bipolar stresses the importance of medications but points out that there are people who are misdiagnosed and also people who have one depressive and manic episode and NEVER have another one. There are no statistics for these situations though.
So, maybe Josh is right and he doesn't have Bipolar (although after reading that book, I'm more convinced than ever that he is) OR, he has Bipolar, but perhaps he can manage his moods by using pot in modest quantities.
In the end, none of this is MY decision, he has to be responsible for his condition and he has to choose how to manage it. The only thing I've said to him is that I'm OK with whatever he chooses to do, as long as it manages his mood. I'm not willing to live like we've been living; highs and lows, screaming and yelling. If he goes off his medication and has problems, he'll need to reconsider his options.
My heart goes out to him and I pray that he'll be able to manage his moods without medication, but if he can't, well, more wild days ahead for us.
I am leaving in one week on vacation and while I had considered taking Josh with me, I've nixed that idea. He is so volatile, and all his anger is directed towards me. I need to get away; get renewed and refreshed, and I think he needs to get away from me too. His father has agreed to check up on him everyday and Josh has agreed to go visit his dad every other day while I'm gone. Because he's adjusting his medication, I have no idea what he will be like, but he's agreed to hold his dosage at 150 mg until I return. If he's going to step off of it, he'll wait until I'm home to do it.
And then there's my boyfriend. We are to take this vacation together in one week, and to be completely honest, our relationship is not turning out to be all I'd hoped for.
If we do go on vacation together, I can't imagine our relationship lasting much beyond that, which is very sad.
Thank you faithful readers. So many of you have emailed me or commented about your concern for Josh and me and that means so much to me.
This situation with Josh has been the most difficult thing I've ever faced, but I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, like my blogging buddies, it makes everything a bit easier.
I haven't been able to post an update for some time because things around here change almost by the minute.
Josh is fine, almost normal, one minute, and in the next minute he's screaming, "F@*k you!" to me and running around the back yard beating the ground with a baseball bat.
Don't ask.
He is quite unhappy at the moment. He doesn't believe he is Bipolar, he HATES the way his medication makes him feel and he thinks his IOP is a huge waste of time and money.
So, he's decided to decrease his medication from 200 mg to 150. At 100 mg he was still all over the place mood wise, but at 200 he says he physically feels awful and his ability to control his anger and stress is worse. He's going to TRY 150 mg, but if he isn't happy with that dosage, he is going to step himself off the medication and use pot in limited amounts to help calm him and help him sleep at night.
He is no longer going to the mental health center and doesn't feel like he needs ongoing therapy.
While all of that sounds pretty terrible, there are parts of it that may not be as bad as they seem.
I attended a support group Monday night that is presented by the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). It was an interesting and informative evening.
One couple in our group has a 17 year old daughter who is Bipolar. Her mother told me that a year and a half ago her daughter chose to stop taking her meds. She smokes a limited amount of pot each evening to help her sleep and she has done well without meds.
"Honestly, I've heard this time and again over the years, pot seems to be a magic bullet for some people with Bipolar, as long as they limit the quantity. I hate to say it, but I wish they'd legalize it."
A book I read on the subject of Bipolar stresses the importance of medications but points out that there are people who are misdiagnosed and also people who have one depressive and manic episode and NEVER have another one. There are no statistics for these situations though.
So, maybe Josh is right and he doesn't have Bipolar (although after reading that book, I'm more convinced than ever that he is) OR, he has Bipolar, but perhaps he can manage his moods by using pot in modest quantities.
In the end, none of this is MY decision, he has to be responsible for his condition and he has to choose how to manage it. The only thing I've said to him is that I'm OK with whatever he chooses to do, as long as it manages his mood. I'm not willing to live like we've been living; highs and lows, screaming and yelling. If he goes off his medication and has problems, he'll need to reconsider his options.
My heart goes out to him and I pray that he'll be able to manage his moods without medication, but if he can't, well, more wild days ahead for us.
I am leaving in one week on vacation and while I had considered taking Josh with me, I've nixed that idea. He is so volatile, and all his anger is directed towards me. I need to get away; get renewed and refreshed, and I think he needs to get away from me too. His father has agreed to check up on him everyday and Josh has agreed to go visit his dad every other day while I'm gone. Because he's adjusting his medication, I have no idea what he will be like, but he's agreed to hold his dosage at 150 mg until I return. If he's going to step off of it, he'll wait until I'm home to do it.
And then there's my boyfriend. We are to take this vacation together in one week, and to be completely honest, our relationship is not turning out to be all I'd hoped for.
If we do go on vacation together, I can't imagine our relationship lasting much beyond that, which is very sad.
Thank you faithful readers. So many of you have emailed me or commented about your concern for Josh and me and that means so much to me.
This situation with Josh has been the most difficult thing I've ever faced, but I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, like my blogging buddies, it makes everything a bit easier.
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
Originally posted to my Private Blog on May 12, 2010
That's what life with Josh is like at the moment, a very wild ride.
Yesterday when he got home from IOP he was angry. He had met with the psychiatrist and the doctor had doubled his medication. He was taking 100mg, now he is to take 200mg. The doctor told Josh that he will probably increase it one more time in the near future to 300mg.
"Mom, I don't wanna take this medicine AT ALL, I certainly don't want to be taking MORE of it!!!"
He complained about the group therapy at IOP, how useless he found it to be. I told him to ask for individual therapy (which he can do there, with a 24 hour request).
"Tell Rob that you think that's what you NEED right now, ask him for individual therapy for the next two weeks. We're paying for you to get the help you need there, just let them know what you feel will help you."
Josh was very dejected, sick of living in this world, unable to accept that THIS was to be his life. Much of what he said reminded of me of how he was feeling when he became suicidal.
I sat and talked to him for several hours, and throughout the conversation I remained as calm and loving as possible as he hurled insults at me and told me that he hated me; everything about me. Every comment he made I countered with some variation of "well, you are not able to think clearly right now Josh, and it's NOT your fault. Your brain is playing tricks on you. The chemistry of your brain is messed up."
I reminded him to look back at how he felt when he came home from the hospital. "Yes, you were happy to be home, but you were also hopeful and motivated and ready to make important changes in your life that were in your own best interest. You have hampered that process by smoking pot. You just have to accept that you CAN'T do that and maintain your equilibrium."
Eventually it hit me that Josh probably hadn't eaten all day, so I asked if he'd like to go get a bite to eat.
"I'm hungry, but no."
He was distraught, in obvious emotional pain.
So I just kept talking to him.
He began to calm down a bit and finally said, "You know, I think we should go get something to eat, I think I can go out and be cordial." (Cordial? Where did THAT come from?!)
As we drove to the restaurant and sat and ate, he became more and more like 'himself'. During dinner he said, "Do you really think that if I stay on this medicine and avoid drugs and alcohol I could be happy, have a happy life?"
"Yes honey, I do, and I know this is hard for you to adjust to, difficult to accept, but until you begin to accept it and do the things you need to do, you will continue to cycle through these extreme mood swings."
We talked again about the need for him to take good care of his body; the importance of eating properly, keeping his body fueled, the benefits of maintaining a regular sleep schedule (which he has been doing a really good job with) and how helpful it is to exercise everyday...walk Blackie or work with his weights.
By the time we got back home he was FINE. Better than I've seen him since he's been home actually. Not manic, not depressed, just JOSH.
He had a friend over to play guitar for a while and then another friend stopped by for a bit.
I have no idea which version of Josh will return from IOP today, but I'm geared up and ready to deal with whoever walks through the door. I just hope we get to the point where the Josh I know walks through the door everyday.
That's what life with Josh is like at the moment, a very wild ride.
Yesterday when he got home from IOP he was angry. He had met with the psychiatrist and the doctor had doubled his medication. He was taking 100mg, now he is to take 200mg. The doctor told Josh that he will probably increase it one more time in the near future to 300mg.
"Mom, I don't wanna take this medicine AT ALL, I certainly don't want to be taking MORE of it!!!"
He complained about the group therapy at IOP, how useless he found it to be. I told him to ask for individual therapy (which he can do there, with a 24 hour request).
"Tell Rob that you think that's what you NEED right now, ask him for individual therapy for the next two weeks. We're paying for you to get the help you need there, just let them know what you feel will help you."
Josh was very dejected, sick of living in this world, unable to accept that THIS was to be his life. Much of what he said reminded of me of how he was feeling when he became suicidal.
I sat and talked to him for several hours, and throughout the conversation I remained as calm and loving as possible as he hurled insults at me and told me that he hated me; everything about me. Every comment he made I countered with some variation of "well, you are not able to think clearly right now Josh, and it's NOT your fault. Your brain is playing tricks on you. The chemistry of your brain is messed up."
I reminded him to look back at how he felt when he came home from the hospital. "Yes, you were happy to be home, but you were also hopeful and motivated and ready to make important changes in your life that were in your own best interest. You have hampered that process by smoking pot. You just have to accept that you CAN'T do that and maintain your equilibrium."
Eventually it hit me that Josh probably hadn't eaten all day, so I asked if he'd like to go get a bite to eat.
"I'm hungry, but no."
He was distraught, in obvious emotional pain.
So I just kept talking to him.
He began to calm down a bit and finally said, "You know, I think we should go get something to eat, I think I can go out and be cordial." (Cordial? Where did THAT come from?!)
As we drove to the restaurant and sat and ate, he became more and more like 'himself'. During dinner he said, "Do you really think that if I stay on this medicine and avoid drugs and alcohol I could be happy, have a happy life?"
"Yes honey, I do, and I know this is hard for you to adjust to, difficult to accept, but until you begin to accept it and do the things you need to do, you will continue to cycle through these extreme mood swings."
We talked again about the need for him to take good care of his body; the importance of eating properly, keeping his body fueled, the benefits of maintaining a regular sleep schedule (which he has been doing a really good job with) and how helpful it is to exercise everyday...walk Blackie or work with his weights.
By the time we got back home he was FINE. Better than I've seen him since he's been home actually. Not manic, not depressed, just JOSH.
He had a friend over to play guitar for a while and then another friend stopped by for a bit.
I have no idea which version of Josh will return from IOP today, but I'm geared up and ready to deal with whoever walks through the door. I just hope we get to the point where the Josh I know walks through the door everyday.
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