Hopeless

It appears that Josh's situation will soon be changing.  He's found out that his father is going to be evicted from his home the beginning of May.  His father and step mother are relocating to Florida.

"Are you going with them?"

"Are you nuts?  I don't even want to be living with them now, I'm sure not following them to Florida!"

So I've given a lot of thought to what comes next for Josh.  Living with me again is not an option.  Since Josh moved out I have experienced such calm and peace in my home.  Living with Josh had become impossible and nothing about him has changed to make me think that living with him again would be pleasant.  I feel horribly guilty about this stance, but there it is.  I'm not willing to open my home to him again.

I met with my therapist and told her of a couple of ideas I had to help Josh out.  We agreed on one of my plans, to assist Josh financially in getting a studio apartment.  I can't really afford this, I will be using borrowed money to provide this assistance, but I feel that I have to DO something.

We felt that choosing a six month lease would prevent me from assuming responsibility for an entire year and would give Josh enough time to gear up for full financial responsibility for himself, and that the time frame might alleviate the stress of having to deal with an immediate need.  We felt that having his own place, with his own things with him might enhance his mental health, and we felt that finally having a place of his own might lead him to WANT to do what is necessary to maintain it past the six months.

Well, like sometimes happens....the best laid plans......

.....dont' work out the way you envisioned.

Oh, actually, THAT part of the plan was accepted by Josh in its entirety.

The second part of the plan didn't go so well though.  The second part of the plan involved me asking Josh to do me the favor of having an assessment with a doctor who specializes in Bipolar.  I broached this subject with him carefully, and explained the things I had seen over the last few months that had me concerned that Bipolar may be tripping him up.  I asked him only to commit to an assessment, nothing more.  I reminded him that he was diagnosed during a period of sleep deprivation induced mania and I felt it would be beneficial to be assessed in a non-manic state.

He reluctantly agreed to see the doctor 'for me', "But Mom, it doesn't matter what he says, I'm not getting on the pill bandwagon."

The conversation then degraded to what it always degrades to when I try to discuss Bipolar with Josh.

I can't even begin to relate our entire conversation to you, but suffice it to say that with every minute that went by, my heart shattered further.  What I'll try to do is just list some of his random comments, but I don't think you will get the totality of what was said, no matter how hard I try to remember the most salient parts of the conversation.  My comments to Josh are in italics.

"Mom, don't you GET IT?  I'm NEVER going to be happy.  I spend most of my time in a suicidal state, overwhelmed with feelings of doubt and self loathing."  "Why the self loathing?"  "I'm a terrible person, hell, you've lived with me, you better than anyone should see why I hate myself."

"You want to give me a handout and I feel AWFUL accepting it.  You of all people, I can't imagine why you feel so compelled to help me."  "Because I'm your mother and because I honestly believe there is something bigger than you at work here tripping you up, and because I love you honey."  "And that's exactly why I'm never having kids!"

"I'm never going to be able to afford this on my own, NEVER.  I'll never make enough money to cover an apartment and all my expenses and have any money left over to have any kind of life...hence the suicidal thoughts."  "Well, given some time you can work your way up to making more money, and until you get there, I'm right here to help you."  "Yes, but don't you get it?  I'll be working for something I don't even WANT?"  "Well, what DO you want Josh?"  "Nothing Mom, I don't want anything, I sure don't want what most people strive for, all I know is I don't want to work for some piece of shit existence."

"I'd be dead by now Mom, except I'm a coward.  You know, everyone says that killing yourself is so cowardly, and I can tell you for a fact, it's not....it takes a very brave person to do that and I'm nothing but a coward."  "Well, I for one am GLAD that you're a coward then."

"I don't just NOT want what you have Mom, I don't want ANYTHING.  There is no joy in my life, the only thing that would make me happy would be to live in a shack in Tennessee and have a spear and hunt my own food, and that's not likely to happen."

"You know I've had a couple manic episodes since I moved out, and they always happen when I'm sleep deprived."  "How did you handle them?!"  "I shut up.  I just didn't talk, I just got through them up in my head."

"The reason everyone fights so hard to have THINGS is because most people don't see the world the way I do, the world is a mess and all this scurrying around like ants?  Well, THAT'S insanity Mom.  People don't see reality."  "You know Josh, the reality is that most people find pleasure in life, most people don't think of killing themselves 24/7, most people have successful social interactions and find pride in creating a life for themselves.  That YOU don't just leads me to believe that Bipolar may be at work here."  "Oh bullshit."  "No Josh, seriously, think about it, YOU are one of the few people in the entire WORLD who has this all worked out correctly?  Can't you see that your thought processes are not the norm, and *I* believe that's because your brain chemistry is messed up, and as your mother, as someone who loves you SO much and wants to see you happy and functioning well, it's heartbreaking to hear you refuse to take a freakin' pill if that pill will allow you to have normal, meaningful social interactions and all that."  "See?  This is why I hesitated even coming over here to discuss the apartment thing with you cause you start this shit."

"Josh, the idea behind me helping you for six months is to allow you time to settle in at your new job, or get a better full time job, so that at the end of six months you'll be ready to do this on your own.  Do you feel like you can work toward that goal?"  "I don't KNOW Mom, I can't predict the future.  Nothing....absolutely NOTHING in my life has EVER worked out the way I wanted, so I seriously doubt that this will.  "Well Josh, I'd hate to get to the end of this six month period and then wind up right back here, with you not able to manage on your own.  I mean, what do we do then?  What other options do you have NOW?"  "A homeless shelter, I guess."  "Do you want to do that?!!"  "NO! But other than that, my only other option is to sleep in my car and starve to death."  "But Josh, look around you, MILLIONS of people do this every single day.  I'm not asking you to live in a million dollar mansion and get yourself in the position to afford it.  We're talking about a tiny little apartment.  The fact that you can't fathom doing what is normal, standard stuff for MOST people indicates to me that SOMETHING is interfering with all this for you." 

Nothing I said got through to him, and of course it didn't, he's Bipolar!!

At the time I told him to forget the doctor, thinking that if he really won't accept treatment, what's the point.  But after Josh left as I talked to my boyfriend, he said, "Hey!  If he agreed to go, I'd take him up on that, you never know, the doctor may be able to make progress with him that you aren't able to, he's a professional, this is what he does, maybe he can get Josh to at least TRY treatment.

And he's right.  Josh and I left it that I would do more research and try to find something even cheaper.  I'm not sure I CAN find something cheaper in an area that I'm comfortable with, but I'll look.  And when he and I talk again, I'm going to tell him that I would like him to see the doctor with me.

As he was leaving I remembered that his bank statement came and gave it to him.  Apparently he has overdrawn his checking account and I told him that they charge you $5-7 a day.  "How long has it been overdrawn?"  "Too long Mom, when my first paycheck goes in there, this is going to eat it up!"

He got very upset and I told him that if he needed some money I could help him out.  He wadded the statement up and threw it in the trash, and as he was walking out the door he said, "What?  More money I owe you?!!!  God, I'm never going to get ahead that way.  I love you, I'll talk to you later."

So I sit with worry and concern.  I question whether in his current frame of mind my six month plan will work at all.  I think the only thing I can do at this point is try to find him something as cheap as possible and hope he WILL see the doctor and that the doctor can make some inroads, because, if not, I imagine things will not only NOT be better in six months, they'll probably be markedly worse.