It's been a stressful weekend for me. I have several things to get done for work this weekend and I've been trying to help Josh get settled into his apartment.
HE has been working almost non-stop, and his shifts are all over the place. In between, he's tried to get some sleep, which is hard for him to do with his ever changing schedule.
He would do so much better with a set schedule, and probably with a set paycheck; not having to rely on tips. However, he made $40 in tips Thursday night and $60 in tips Friday night, so that's not bad.
He picked up his apartment key Friday and signed his lease. He moved everything from his Dad's in, then went to work, dropping his apartment key off to me on the way.
My boyfriend and I took a load of boxes, etc to the apartment, then once the rain looked like it would hold off awhile, we moved Josh's bed and dresser in.
Josh had asked that we not unpack anything, he wanted to do it himself so he'd know where everything was. I did hang his shower curtain and towels in the bathroom, and put a rug down for him. I stocked his bathroom with toilet paper and his kitchen with paper towels.
My boyfriend has been wonderful through all this. Because we just combined households, we both have a lot of household things we're no longer using. My boyfriend gave Josh a practically new, great set of pots and pans, and all the bathroom stuff was his. He gave Josh a full set of silverware and a large variety of cooking spoons and spatulas, etc. He gave Josh his entertainment center as well.
We made Josh a basket with cleaning supplies and I had gone to the grocery and got him some basic food items to get him started.
It was hard to keep my boyfriend from unpacking and organizing the entire apartment; he can't stand clutter and messes. He did unpack the groceries and put them on the counter so Josh could decide where they would go. He set the pots and pans on the stove and loaded the dishwasher with the silverware and a few other kitchen items that we'd had in storage. We started the dishwasher and I almost had to bodily remove the boyfriend to prevent him from unpacking anything else.
Josh still hasn't unpacked. He's been working a lot and I know that Friday night when he got off work, he had a couple of friends over to just chill. Among the mess.
He worked all day yesterday and stopped by after work. He seemed in good spirits, but was very tired. We were planning on moving his couch, but he asked if we could wait. He wanted to go home and get some sleep. We agreed to do it today (Sunday), but he texted me this morning and asked if we could put it off again. "I don't even know if I want the couch Mom. I'm not sure I'd really use it. But right now, I'm gonna try to get some sleep before I have to work at 2:30."
The good news is that he seems to be being responsible about work. He told me yesterday that his only day off was Tuesday, but he'd picked up a shift and was going to work that day.
The bad news is that he's working an awful lot and 'worrying' about getting settled in his apartment. I've offered and offered to come and help him ANYTIME; that I would make myself available around his schedule. I see the stress in his eyes and his stress is stressing ME.
He was REALLY stressed when we saw him Friday before work.
And my boyfriend doesn't really 'get it'. He doesn't really 'get' Bipolar at all. He views Josh as a spoiled, entitled man child who needs to get his shit together. And Josh is those things, but the BF doesn't get that on top of those things, Josh is bipolar, and the bipolar makes it much more difficult to deal with Josh's immature nature. He also doesn't understand how stress can trigger a slide on the bipolar pole.
"Well, it's just like Catherine Zeta Jones, she's had a lot of stress in her life, and for someone with bipolar, that stress builds and builds and builds and then, BAM....it triggers a slide. She wound up in a mental facility for God's sake. And for Josh? It doesn't take much to stress him really. Things that would be wind in the face to you or me are HUGE stressors to someone like Josh."
The BF has mentioned several times as we were moving Josh's things, "You know, Josh should really be here doing this with us, this is HIS stuff."
"I know honey, but his work schedule doesn't really coincide with our schedules, and I want to do this FOR him, to alleviate some stress for him. That's important to me, it's just one of the little things I can do to keep his stress level down. I really do appreciate all your help with this and Josh does too."
As I was typing this post, Josh called, "So, what are your plans today?"
"Oh, I have some work to do, but it won't take all day, what did you need?"
"Well, I wondered if you wanted to go to breakfast."
"Sure."
I picked Josh up and after we ate we stopped at Meijer and got him a small microwave and some measuring cups and spoons. And Butter. He had slept right after work Saturday, from about 4 pm to 1 am. When he got up, he'd gone to the store for groceries, but had forgotten butter.
He seemed pretty tired and a bit 'out of it'. When we got back to his apartment, I unpacked the rest of his kitchen stuff and organized his kitchen for him. Then I unpacked and shelved his books. When I headed to the bathroom to put away his toiletries he said he'd rather do that himself. Then he said he was getting tired so he planned on taking a nap before work, so I left.
His mood is kind of all over the place. He's been pretty 'up' all last week, and even yesterday after work when we saw him briefly. Today he seemed on the downslide. Mostly he just seemed tired and like his brain wasn't firing right. He's stopped smoking pot which is good, but he said he drank 'too much' Friday night and felt like it left him not feeling well. He doesn't drink often (I don't think) and when he does he drinks in moderation. He's not used to drinking 'too much' and I know that on the rare occasions when I tie one on, it leaves me feeling 'off' for a day or two.
He told me that after going to the grocery at 1AM, he just watched some tv and this morning he was feeling a little bored, so he was glad I could spend some time with him. He said he sleeps like the dead there, in his own bed, and I know what he means. I always sleep so well when I return home from a vacation to my own bed. He's been missing his bed for almost six months now.
All in all, I'm not sure how I feel about him, I can't get a good gauge on his mood. I imagine some of that is because he's going through a few pretty big life changes; adjusting to a new job and then this move. In the end, if he manages himself right, both of these things will be positives for him, and that's the outcome I'm hoping for.
I feel the need to express my opinion about Catherine Zeta Jones' admission that she has Bipolar II. We don't have much information; like was this her first experience with it or has she been long diagnosed? I imagine she would have preferred to never reveal this, but when someone with her exposure is admitted to a Mental Health Facility, it's pretty hard to hide that information.
I think she's in a very powerful position to enlighten the world about this disorder, and I hope that she takes the opportunity to speak openly about it because she could make real inroads in decreasing the stigma attached to it. I'd much rather see her face associated with this disorder than Charlie Sheen's.
Not that I have anything against Charlie Sheen, not at all. If you listen to the experts, they all feel that Charlie's appearances on talk shows was during a Bipolar manic state (either that or very heavy drug use). *I'm* not an expert and I have no idea if Charlie is Bipolar or not. What I do know is that when I saw those clips of him, it reminded me so much of when Josh was manic and admitted to the hospital. It offended me that news organizations didn't use more discretion and compassion towards him when he was in that state. While that looked very much to me like the 'reality' of Bipolar, I'm not sure his appearances did anything to further the discussion about this disorder.
Basically, these two actors have shown both sides of this disorder. One quietly managing it and getting appropriate treatment when necessary, and the other, well the other was too heartbreaking to even watch for very long.
Josh refuses to accept that he has Bipolar. I look at the son I raised and KNOW that something very powerful has derailed his life. I see all kinds of behaviors that convince me that he is Bipolar. I feel very strongly that someone in his state, struggling with the 'softer' symptoms of Bipolar COULD live life unmedicated. But that person has to be VERY aware and do all the basic lifestyle management things that aid brain function. At the very least, I believe that for someone like Josh who is so medication adverse, it would behoove him to do everything in his power to manage his life in ways that are 'natural'.
I intend to talk to Josh about this, at the right moment, and basically say, "If you don't ever want to be on 'brain' medication, then do these four or five things as INSURANCE against depression and the soft symptoms I see. Be militant about sleep. Cut caffeine out of your life. Exercise every single day. Take a multivitamin everyday, as well as B vitamin supplements and Fish Oil. Eat from the 'outside' aisle of the grocery store; fresh meats, fruits and vegetables. Eggs,yogurt and Milk."
I would like to see Josh adopt good, basic, healthy lifestyle practices, because I think he MIGHT be able to avoid medication. And finally, I'd like to get him to see my therapist. NOT a psychiatrist, but my very, very skilled therapist. I think she could help him learn to manage his stress and frustration better (which will aid him in interpersonal relationships as well as workplace incidents). She could teach him basic coping skills and teach him to be aware of his feelings and have a plan of action to deal with those feelings.
I think Josh is SO intelligent and self aware and if anyone can manage Bipolar without medication, he could. But it would take a real dedication on his part. I honestly think that at some level he knows or at least is afraid that he does have Bipolar. I somehow need to get in touch with that part of Josh who KNOWS he's struggling against something that is bigger than he is, and hopefully get him to see that very small lifestyle changes will give him a much better chance of handling this the way HE wants to; without medical intervention.
Wish me luck.
Please.
5 comments:
Some very encouraging stuff here. Especially when you contrast with other recent entries.
"I feel very strongly that someone in his state, struggling with the 'softer' symptoms of Bipolar COULD live life unmedicated. But that person has to be VERY aware and do all the basic lifestyle management things that aid brain function. At the very least, I believe that for someone like Josh who is so medication adverse, it would behoove him to do everything in his power to manage his life in ways that are 'natural'."
A lot of what you've mentioned here is stuff that I'd put forward some time back, especially the fitness. I'm curious, though: in order for him to do what you're suggesting, this would require him to see a need...which would require him to be on-board with a bipolar II diagnosis, yes?
One of the things I've learned about anything having to do with our mental health, our emotions, however you wish to frame the reference, is that there's a continuum. We're all different, and what manifests in one may not manifest in another. Additionally, I caught an article last week about how the human brain really doesn't finish maturing until past the age of 25, with some believing it's age 30. (Apparently there *is* some logic behind car rental companies only being willing to rent to those 25 and up...)
There's a long adventure in here. And Josh will be so glad down the road to have had you as his mom.
(I can't help but think there's a film in this story, a bipolar II spin on 'Peaceful Warrior'.)
Schmadrian,
Yes, it would require Josh to see a need, BUT, I think he does, kindasorta.
I can illustrate to him how he USED to function. How he USED to be happy. I can point to the things I feel are 'off' in his behaviors, etc. And...and...and...I think he DOES see. He may not want to admit it, but he does see that there is something tripping him up. He doesn't want to call it Bipolar? That's OK I guess.
Basically everything I will be suggesting to him are things that will either elevate his mood or allow him to cope/manage his feelings better. They are things I'm hoping he'll be willing to TRY in the quest to be in a better place with his life.
Fingers crossed and all that.
So if we were to look at 2011 so far, could you chart 'How Josh Has Been'? Would you be able to show his ups and downs? Proof?
Or, getting back to a previous suggestion, if you were to video when he's in his worst place, when he declares his worst views on things, and you were to show him this 'proof', would he be able to concede?
Maybe this is just a question of time; building up a good amount of 'functional' time, then contrasting it with a 'dysfunctional' time.
Yes, 'fingers crossed, and all that.'
I just kicked my bp1 21 year son out of the house last night. Your story resonates with Josh being onboard attempting to get his life together. Mine has been ruining his like with drugs. Meth is his favorite, but anything else works, including 3 or 4 addicitions bouts with heroin. I kicked him out cause he's using marijuana again daily. This is after just getting kicked out last week of a addicition program 17 days into a 28 day program. He was there after shooting meth for 6 weeks. Meth is the worst thing on earth. Mix it with bp, and it's hard to describe. He's been in three mania's in the last 22 months after his initial bout with it when he walked back to his apt nude from class in his 1st semester of college in LA. You guessed it. Meth, and whatever he has was the culprit. He thought it would help the world be a better place. At this point in time, the mariuana use leaves him unable to talk very well, and impairs all his motor skills. It's like he's very, very drunk. He's extremely strong headed, and takes advantage of his family in the sense he doesn't focus on what's he's doing to his family of 4 others. He's been in jail about 5 times in the last 3 years for various drug, and petty theft issues. He's become "toxic" to his friends in the fact they won't hang with him. Kicking him out of the house last night brought some kind of peace to me, and my wife. I, like yourself have devoured all informtion I could on his condition in the last two years; as you say, it is a journey.
WELL, SURPRISE......
He came back home this morning saying he'll surrender, after sleeping outside his old elementart school a couple of blocks away. Well see, but I'll give him a chance. I am a member of NAMI, Alanon, and seek support at times, besides contributing. It is a must for those codependants living with love ones, and their sickness. I'll be back when there's something to say. Good luck to you, and us all.
Anonymous - I feel your pain and I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with so much with your son.
It sounds like your journey has been far worse than mine so far, but let's face it, this Bipolar stuff is NO FUN!!
I will tell you this, when I kicked my son out of my house, right after Thanksgiving last year, there is NO WAY I would have let him back in UNTIL he PROVED he was onboard with doing what he needed to do. I imagine you are able to gauge your son's sincerity about getting help and I hope he DOES.
Just remember that you need to take care of yourself and the rest of your family too, and sometimes that involves having to 'let go' of the Bipolar person and hope they finally sink far enough that they have NO CHOICe but to get it.
Your son is into such heavy drugs, I cannot imagine. :(
Keep me informed about how things are going for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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