Bipolar Rears Its Ugly Head AGAIN

My BF and I went out last night and had a great evening.  As we were driving home, I got this text from Josh:

"I gave my two weeks notice at work."

"Why?!"

"I'm miserable and tired of the bullshit there."

As my heart was breaking ALL OVER AGAIN, my BF began venting.

"You need to tell him that bullshit is part of just about every job out there.  He can't just quit, he has responsibilities now.  He can't hop from job to job like this, eventually it's gonna catch up with him.  You need to tell him....and on and on and on....."

I don't know how to help Josh get to acceptance and a better place, but I do know that saying any of THOSE things will not help.  I know that because hearing them doesn't help ME.  While my BF views Josh as a normal kid who just doesn't 'get it', I know that my BF doesn't 'get it' at all.

As my BF vented, I just kept repeating my mantra, "Yea, but that's the Bipolar at work honey.  This is what Bipolar people do.  They can't COPE, they can't handle STRESS, they don't make good decisions for themselves because they don't SEE that they're the problem."

I'm hit from both sides with this Bipolar thing.  I am TERRIFIED for my son and worry about what the future holds for him and I have a BF who just can't understand the whole thing. 

I don't know HOW to help Josh.  I don't know what to SAY to him.  I kind of get what NOT to say, but I can't find the right words that will lead him to see REALITY.

I search the internet at times like this and I always find something that helps me.

Last night I was up for hours reading and I found this:

Julie Fast's Essay about Acceptance

Which lead me to her Blog where I found this:

Bipolar in the NFL

I shared these articles with my BF today.  In both of them, it's very easy to SEE Josh's behavior.  Demitius Underwood (an NFL player) even was haunted by visions of the apocalypse, something Josh talks about ALL THE TIME.

My BF left for work this morning saying, "I just find it so sad."

"Well, it is sad, and I know that you worry about how THIS will effect our lives, but I show you these articles to help you understand better that this is NOT Josh, THIS is Bipolar.  Of course he shouldn't quit his job, of course he should cope with the bullshit, but he's not capable.  He's just not capable.  Your reactions are totally appropriate if we were talking about a normal person, but Josh isn't normal, he has a mental illness."

"I'm just not going to involve myself in it then, I'll keep my mouth shut.  But if he comes in this house and is verbally abusive to you I know I'll go off on him."

I'm basically struggling here to get TWO people to understand what's at play here and I hate that Josh's troubles negatively impact my relationship with my BF.

My BF said, "I will never allow him to be disrespectful to you in this house."

"Honey, *I* don't let him be disrespectful to me in this house anymore either.  When he lost it that day at the storage unit, I made him leave.  If he hadn't left, I WOULD have called the police."

"You've let him treat you terribly!  The things he's said to you, calling you names, showing absolutely NO appreciation for what you do for him.  It's hard to watch that."

"Well, it took me a LONG time to accept this myself, and to understand it.  For a long time *I* didn't understand that his behaviors were Bipolar related.  So I understand it all better now, but just because I understand doesn't mean I'll allow him to ruin my life or our life.  My friend A tells me all the time to remember the flight attendants instructions, "Put on your oxygen mask first before helping your neighbor".  I had to LEARN how to protect myself from this, and that's the hardest part for me.  I'm a MOTHER, I want to help him, but at some point I may have to accept that it's all out of my hands."

He said, "Let's face it, we just need to set aside about $1,000 a month to support Josh, for the rest of our lives.  Then he can sit in his apartment and dream about the apocalypse."

I tried to explain to my BF that that is NOT something I intend to do.  Support Josh forever?  No.  I can't afford to support Josh for the six months I've promised, I certainly can't do it forever. 

I said, "At some point I'm going to have to let go and let him fall.  I have just held on to hope that in this six months I can get him to a better place.  If I can't, well, I don't want to even think about that, but I know I'm not willing to have TWO (or THREE) lives ruined here."

So I showed him this post from Julie Fast's Blog:

Julie Fast talks about Charlie Sheen

In this post Julie quotes Martin Sheen:  His father said, “I’ve tried everything. We have done everything. All I know do to now is leave and hope he will be ok.”

I may have to do the same thing eventually, but it doesn't escape my notice that Charlie losing the support of his friends and family left him in a horribly vulnerable position.

Josh and I continued texting last night; I was being very careful not to offend him:

"So where are you gonna look for a job?"

"I don't know."

"What time do you work tomorrow"

"10 PM"

"Maybe you could try Aldi's tomorrow?"

"I don't think they have an opening now, but I could try.  I just know I need to pick a job that doesn't suck dick this time."

"Well, in this economy almost any job you get is probably gonna kinda suck, so you have to figure out a way to cope.  Maybe a job like you had at the grocery IS good cause you don't have to deal with SO MANY people?"

"I guess but you are a little annoying right now so how about we talk later."

"OK"

Seriously, I was a 'little annoying'?!

The BF and I have a horrible three days ahead.  We moved in together about six months ago, and in combining two households we have a MOUNTAIN of stuff in our storage unit to get rid of.  Our neighborhood is having a garage sale tomorrow, so we will spend the afternoon and evening dragging everything to the garage and setting up for the sale, which takes place Saturday.

I don't have TIME to be sitting here blogging, but this is what *I* do to cope with all this.  I pour it all out here, and then I try to get on with MY life the best I can.

I totally fell apart last night when we got home.  I don't do this very often and I've never done it in the presence of my BF before.  I curled up in bed and cried.

My BF came in and laid down and I began talking about Josh and how scared I am, and then I made an awful confession, and as I made it I totally lost it, barely able to talk as I sobbed.

"You know my greatest fear in all of this is that Josh will kill himself, but let me tell you a secret.  There's a part of me that would understand if he did that.  *I* don't want to see him live the rest of his life like this.  I cannot imagine how awful this life seems to him.  I think about him killing himself and I can see how someone in this state can see that as the perfect solution."

My BF help his arm out, and I rolled over and laid my head on his chest and as he wrapped his arms around me he got to see his strong, capable girlfriend turn into a complete puddle of goo (complete with snot and tears).

"Oh honey," he said, as he held me tighter and kissed the top of my head.

"You know, as I've raised these two boys, I've always KNOWN what to say, what to do, to help them.  I KNOW them, I know what approach works best with each of them and I've always been able to move them forward.  Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to suddenly be incapable of effecting change?  To not be able to communicate with one of my kids?  I've said it before, I have never felt so helpless before in my life.  This disorder is so insidious."

I'll spend the day doing what I have to do to get ready for this garage sale.  A lot of physical labor and time to think can only do me some good.  I don't have a plan, but I need one badly.

Perhaps the first thing I'll do is attend the Bipolar Support Group Monday night.