Things around here couldn't be more normal, so normal that there are entire afternoons or mornings when thoughts of Bipolar don't even enter my head.
And then, out of the blue, I'm suddenly gripped by a deep fear when my thoughts turn that direction.
Josh starts classes Tuesday and he is very excited.
On very rare occasions, he will make mention of this 'creature' lurking in the dark, but for the most part, he prefers not to talk about and gets a bit snippy with me if I do.
For now, I am enjoying this calm before the next possible storm and I pray every night that things just stay as they are.
Schmadrian would say I have my head in the sand, that I should be DOING something to prepare for any eventuality. But this is Josh's journey and he is in charge of the road map, I'm just here to act when and if action becomes necessary.
But you can bet that I monitor Josh closely and will be contacting Peter, his therapist, for guidance at the first sign of trouble.
15 comments:
YES! Every time I start feeling really happy, I am scared it's not real. Whenever I am blue, is it normal or is it fixing to tip over into disorder? The constant evaluation SUCKS. The way my husband worries every time I have a bad day, or a poor nights sleep...scary stuff. You just want to be normal, to have a good day or a bad day without the constant examination. But you can't. It't like being diabetic and having to check your blood sugar all the time.
Exactly Rootie, and that's what I find myself doing...constant examination, and I imagine Josh does that too, but just doesn't want to talk about it.
It's hard to know how to handle that. Let him enjoy this time of NORMAL, or engage him more and try to get him to share his feelings.
All I know is that when I bring up BP, he clearly isn't interested in discussing any of it.
Yet, I don't think he's in DEEP denial, I think he just doesn't want to be reminded. I think he too must be pretty frightened, but is not willing to open up and share his feelings.
Well, as long as he's behaving normally, I'd say leave it at that and take it a day at a time. Feeling normal, when you've been so out of whack, is blissful, and I know *I* don't want anyone to mess with that. You can stay alert and let him lead the conversation if he wants to (or doesn't) as long as everything is going ok. I reckon as long as he knows you're there and aware...that helps...I mean I can't speak for him, but it feels good for me to know Terry is watching out in case something goes whack with me.
Rootie - You are like the best! It's so nice to get your take on these things, because I imagine you can relate to how Josh is probably feeling.
Thank you so much for your comments!
Actually, Schmadrian wouldn't have said that at all. In fact, I don't think I've ever launched that kind of notion at you. I may have questioned how you responded to Josh's travails at various junctures, but that's about it.
So without getting into all 'that', I am curious as to what Josh has been doing all summer, seeing as it's almost over and school's approaching. In light of the parallel stuff to bipolar that we've always looked at being at the very least, a major element in his development.
Schmadrian,
Not a ton has changed with Josh over the summer. He has spent the summer with his days largely upside down. He has spent quite a bit of time with his 'good' friends, and a small amount of time with his friends that I consider to be 'not so good'.
His happiest times though, are when he's engaged with me or with his Father.
He has picked up more hours at work, but still normally never more than 15.
He has been more responsible around the house and regularly picks up after himself and does things that need to be done without being told, although his weekly cleaning still isn't being done ON Friday as we had agreed, he does get it done.
What I've found is that Josh simply isn't going to do things 'my' way. Another job? He doesn't CARE about another job, he has enough money to do the things he wants. He seems to be concerned about over scheduling himself, and I think that he is afraid to take on too much until he sees how he is able to transition back into classes.
Josh really does have trouble with having 'too much' on his plate. What to you or I would seem like a couple small tasks can send him all into a dither. It's these things that make me feel he is indeed Bipolar, the inability to handle too much.
It's hard to explain but his reaction to even a gentle nudge is 'not normal' and I'm more inclined all the time to think that this isn't as much a result of immaturity as it is BP. Yes, he is immature, but the struggles I face trying to lead him into maturity, I feel are BP based.
Patrick told me at the beginning of the summer that I need to take baby steps with Josh, and that's what I've done. While it doesn't look to the outside world like we've made much progress, *I* feel we have, but it is such SLOW progress.
I think more than anything else, it shows that you're very much in a grand experiment, one that still has variables that nobody has been able to forecast...yet you've still had to deal with.
Phase Three, Josh returning to school, will no doubt be providing you more 'data'...though I'm sure you're hoping it's of the less-dramatic kind than his last stint.
I'm sure that the equilibrium you've been experiencing will stand you in good stead if things get a little 'testy'...but in any case, you've got more information to work with.
(Have you had any contact with Ms Smith regarding Phase Two of Josh's adventure?)
Schmadrian,
I haven't contacted Ms Smith, but I should send her an email to see if she has any advice about this phase.
I do think that this 'vacation from bp' phase has bolstered me emotionally. I only hope the worst doesn't come our way.
The thing about BP is that it, by nature, comes with 'vacations'. I've learned over the past 28 years of having it what my cycles look like and how to predict what's coming and when. I do have to limit what I can do in order to minimize stress (a huge factor in kick-starting an 'episode') I know when November rolls around, I'm going to start a downslide, and by March I'll be feeling better. I know that PMS makes me crazy for a couple of days...all this took time to figure out. Josh is going to have to learn over time what triggers him, and how to manage it so that he doesn't have to limit the life he enjoys (too much). Bad times will come, but they will also go. It's the nature of the beast. That doesn't mean he (or you) have to live in fear and trepidation about what's coming, or that you can't enjoy the good times. He just has to figure out the cycles and how to handle them.
Oh; what about the endocrinology approach...?
Schmadrian - Josh is unwilling to jump thru the hoops necessary to even SEE an endocrinologist.
I read the link you posted a while back about the thyroid's role in BP, and what *I* got out of it, was that this doctor feels that it's possible that BP kind of 'triggers' the thyroid. So, there isn't necessarily an underlying thyroid problem as much as the thyroid becomes over or under active as a result of a BP cycle.
He treats his patients with thyroid medication in conjunction with their normal BP meds, I suppose in an attempt to keep the BP from triggering the thyroid, and he's had luck with this.
Josh feels that both his bloodwork and his scan came back fine and he wonders if the doctor's opinions in that article aren't correct, that his elevated thyroid levels upon admittance to the hospital weren't triggered by BP as opposed to what *I* had thought, which is that possibly thyroid had triggered BP 'like' symptoms.
My psychiatrist checks my thyroid every 6 months, just to keep an eye on it. So far, for me, that hasn't been the issue. I guess I'm just crazy. :(
It's such a mutifaceted thing, and I believe that what causes it in one person can be completely different than in another. Mine kicked into high gear after having babies, and post-partum depression. It is still very tied to hormonal fluctuations. Obviously, Josh's issues are quite different from mine.
My psychiatrist checks my thyroid every 6 months, just to keep an eye on it. So far, for me, that hasn't been the issue. I guess I'm just crazy. :(
It's such a mutifaceted thing, and I believe that what causes it in one person can be completely different than in another. Mine kicked into high gear after having babies, and post-partum depression. It is still very tied to hormonal fluctuations. Obviously, Josh's issues are quite different from mine.
Rootie - I think that what I've discovered about BP that is the most distressing is that it IS so multifaceted. There is no ONE right med, and it manifests itself so differently in each person.
I pray that someday more is learned about this disorder so that there doesn't have to be so much trial and error in medication administration, etc.
well, as long as there are multiple causes, there will be multiple treatments. They've discovered a gene that predisposes you for it, which was nice because it meant it wasn't a character flaw. With the meds...well...trial and error stinks. It took a good long time for the right combo to be found for me, then 15 years later I had to change again (it went smoothly, thankfully) and now I'm on something I wish I could have had 15 years ago, except that it's only been approved for about 2 years now...so they are doing things toward improving the meds, but the trial and error...kinda stinks. Yes.
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