An Introduction

Hi, my name is Melody. My son, Josh, and I began our wild ride through Bipolar in April 2010, but looking back, I'm almost sure that Josh had been suffering with Bipolar symptoms for several years.

At the end of Josh's first year of college, things began to shift for him. He was attending college locally and living at home. He began to struggle toward the end of the last semester with a mild depression that slowly built over the following summer. When the new fall term began he was able to maintain focus, but by the end of the semester he was in a major depression, sleeping the days away, missing classes and generally not functioning well at all.

During the term I encouraged him to seek medical help for his depression, but he was resistant to medications. Eventually he saw the doctor and began taking Wellbutrin. While I felt it was helping him, HE felt more depressed, so he stopped taking it.

As he slid further into depression, I finally got him to agree to see the doctor again for a different medication. He was prescribed Prestiq. Before the medication could take effect, during an argument with me one night, he told me that he had attempted suicide several weeks prior.

"You don't understand Mom! I don't want to BE here, living this life. That's why, on Black Friday, I filled the bathtub with water, got in, and tried to find the courage to slit my wrists!"

I had no idea that he was having suicidal thoughts.

I convinced him to seek treatment for his depression at the local hospital's Stress Center. He was admitted into an Intensive Outpatient Program. Once discharged, Josh still struggled with depression, which resulted in him not completing his aftercare therapy.

And then, he stopped taking the Prestiq without my knowledge.

His depression got worse and by the time I realized he was not taking his medication he was in pretty bad shape.

We had constant arguments where I pointed out that he was not being responsible in any area of his life and where he pointed out that life wasn't worth living.

It is terrifying to have your child in this state; having come close to suicide once and clearly headed right back to the bathtub with razor blades.

I'm a single mom, so during this time I walked around with a rock in my stomach everyday, afraid that while I was gone to work, or out with friends, he would take his life.

I had a client whose 24 year old son had committed suicide the past fall. I had an example of a life destroyed and I knew that I didn't want to be living THAT nightmare.

One of the things she said helped me immeasurably during that time. The feeling you have when your child has considered suicide is that you need to BE THERE, WITH THEM, 24/7, but that is practically impossible to do.

The fact of the matter is, that if someone really wants to commit suicide, they'll do it; they'll find a way to do it. My client's son hung himself in the basement, directly under where my client was sitting working in her office. She was RIGHT THERE, and yet, it didn't change the outcome.

That was SOME comfort to me during that time, that if Josh intended to kill himself, he would, no matter how 'present' I was. As I said, that was SOME comfort to me, but the reality is that there is NO comfort when you're dealing with someone in the state my son was in.

And then one day I came home from work and found that our lives had shifted completely off center.......