An Update... A LONG ONE (but the most promising one I've ever written)

Sorry about that, I had to take my blog offline for a short time.

Josh had borrowed my laptop, and then he called and needed the password to MY user profile.  He was having cable/internet installed and needed logged in as administrator.

I hadn't anticipated this eventuality and I didn't want him to 'find' this blog while logged in under my profile.

He has asked me not to write about him, and I've grappled with that.  While I understand his position, I also feel like I have a right to share *my* part of this story.  I do so here on my blog anonymously.  Josh is not my son's real name.   Were someone to happen upon this blog who knows us in real life, and then if they took the time to READ a large portion of it, they might be able to put two and two together and realize who we really ARE.

I've told Josh, "I write about my experience with this as a mother, and I do it anonymously.  You know honey, there may be other mother's out there who are struggling as I have and if something I write helps just one other mother, well, I feel a need to do it.  But more than that, it helps me.  It helps me to 'put it out there'.

So I will continue to write here, and starting today, I'm changing my settings to have google crawl over my blog.  Previously, I'd not made this blog 'findable' through searches.  That changes today.

On this blog, there is 'misinformation'.....because my knowledge base is forever changing.  I've been forced to LEARN about this disorder, as my son's experience with it has changed.

The biggest thing I've learned through all of this is that with this disorder, nothing is set in stone, there is no ONE experience with it, no ONE treatment for it, no ONE right path to take.

Now, for an update on Josh.

After moving into his apartment, while working mostly third shifts at a restaurant, he began really struggling.  It seemed to me that he was cycling every few days.  One day he'd be manic and animated, a few days later he would be an emotional wreck.

This played havoc with his work responsibilities.  He'd call in sick frequently, because when it was time to go to work, he was a crying, gooey mess.  He even had this happen AT work.

During this time I was deeply concerned.  It seemed that the stress of LIFE; the stress of work, the stress surrounding beginning to be responsible for RENT and EXPENSES, was too much for him.

And I beat myself up.  *I* did this to him!  I offered to help him with an apartment and he couldn't handle the stress!

Just about the time I was considering what other alternatives were available, he came to me and said, "You had asked me to see a doctor for a second opinion.  Find me a doctor."

Over a year after his Bipolar diagnosis, and he finally had ASKED to see a doctor!  Happy days.

Well, not so much.  And I KNEW this.  I KNEW that his request to SEE a doctor was just the first tiny baby step.

I researched doctors and made an appointment with one who was recommended to me. 

A few hours before we were to go to the doctor Josh called me.  He was filling out paperwork to take with us.  "What is this doctor's name?"

I told him and he wigged out!

Apparently this doctor was the doctor he'd seen while hospitalized and he hated him.  Well, to be fair, he hated everything about that hospital experience, but he felt this doctor didn't listen to him; asked questions and never waited for an answer.  "Mom, he never spent more than two minutes with me.  I'm not going to see him."

"Well, the hospital experience is much different than private practice.  In the hospital, the doctors have such a heavy case load, they don't have TIME to spend like they do in their own offices.  Can't you give this a try since we already have an appointment?"

"NO!"

"OK, well, I'll call them and cancel the appointment and we'll find another doctor."

"Forget it, I don't wanna do this anyway.  Just forget the whole thing."

I was crestfallen.  And I was ANGRY!  "Way to have my back God!!  Thanks a lot!  Of ALL the doctors I researched...I chose THIS one?!!!  WHY?!!!"

Hey! I had to take my frustration out on someone and God seemed like he could handle it.


I never KNEW the name of Josh's doctor in the hospital.  I had left countless messages asking him to call me, but NO ONE ever called me with the exception of the Social Worker.

A week went by, with Josh continuing to cycle, continuing to have issues as a result.

He came back to me, very dejected, and said, "OK, I've researched this till I'm sick of it.  It's hard for me to think that I really am Bipolar, but everything seems to point to it.  I know one thing, I can't live like this, so I'll go see that doctor."

Of course, I was thrilled, but of course, I knew this was just one more tiny baby step.

Turns out that the doctor I had found wouldn't be available to see Josh for WEEKS.  I wasn't willing to wait WEEKS; Josh needed help NOW.  I discussed with the receptionist other alternatives and was told that Dr. H could see him within a few days.  I had been referred to two doctors in this practice, and Dr H. wasn't one of them.  I grappled with this decision.  I knew that whoever saw Josh was going to have to be AMAZING.  I was only going to get this one chance to get him in front of a doctor.  But my options were limited and so I made an appointment with Dr. H.

I went with Josh to his appointment, but he didn't want me to go back with him.  When he came out he had a prescription for blood work, a sample pack of an anti-psychotic, a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication and a prescription for a mood stabilizer (an epilepsy medication).

He said he liked the doctor a lot, that he felt HEARD and that the doctor had explained all the medications to him.  The doctor asked him to see a therapist there at the practice named David.  He told Josh that therapy was as important as the medications.

He told Josh that the Bipolar II diagnosis was spot on, that he felt Josh had been experiencing episodes of hypomania and that he has a separate generalized anxiety disorder.

Josh began taking these medications and the results were almost instantaneous.  The changes in him were amazing.  He LOOKED better!  He was no longer white as a ghost, the dark circles under his eyes were gone and he had LIFE in his eyes.  He smiled, he joked!  His entire demeanor was different. 

Amazing!

A week later he came to see me and told me that he didn't like the medications.  We had a long talk where he told me that he could see the positives, "On one hand I'm getting all these good things; I'm happier, I'm coping better and all that, but I feel like on the other hand I'm losing the part of myself I love the most."

"OK, but Josh, give this some time.  It seems to me that as your body gets better adapted to this medication the positives will increase, and by simply functioning better, you'll regain and actually be able to benefit on that other side."

In the end, I got him to agree to stay on the medication and then talk to his doctor about how he's feeling at his next visit, just a few days away.

I went with him to that appointment and I joined him when he met with the doctor.  I told the doctor that Josh wasn't sure he wanted to remain on medications and that he questions whether he's really Bipolar.

This doctor is Indian, and talks very distinctly.  "OK Josh, let me ask you, does this medication seem to be helping at ALL?"

"Yea, I'm happier and I'm not so anxious.  I'm able to cope really well and everything."

"OK, now, what side effects are you having?"

"Well, I take that anti-psychotic right before bed and it's messing me up.  I sleep for like 12 hours.  I've slept through my alarm and I miss work.  I slept through 18 calls from my manager the other day!"

"OK, well, what I'd like you to do is take just half on nights when you have to work.  The rest of the time, take the full dosage.  That should help clear up that problem.  OK, any more side effects?"

"No, I haven't noticed anything."

"OK Josh, this is what I want to say to you.  You are on the lowest dosages of all these medications possible.  You are seeing very positive effects and no side effects.  Do you know how LUCKY you are?  Don't think of this as Bipolar if you don't want to.  Doesn't matter WHAT was wrong with you that was making you unable to function, this medication is working!  Here's what I want you to do.  I want you to commit to continuing these medications for one month.  I'll see you back in a month and I can almost guarantee you that you'll see more positives AND you'll realize you haven't sacrificed anything on the other side.  It's only been 11 days; in another month you will become stable on these drugs and I think you'll be pleased.  I want you to see David regularly too.  OK?"

Josh willingly agreed to this. 

Since then he's had trouble getting all his dosages in as scheduled due to his wacky work schedule.  He met with David and really liked him and I think he got a lot out of their first session.  He sees David again next week.

He wound up quitting his job because they were very upset he'd slept through those 18 phone calls.  He tried to explain that he'd been on new medication and had since seen the doctor who adjusted his dosage, but his manager kept yelling, wouldn't listen, and so he quit.

Probably for the best anyway.  Josh needs a DAYTIME schedule that is static.  He's actively seeking a new job.

For the most part, I feel like I have my son back again.  On this medicine, it's like we've rolled back the clock about a year and a half.  He is functioning better in every way.  Occasionally his mood seems a little off, but I don't think he's consistently taking his meds on time AND it sounds like he's drinking alcohol on occasion.  I've talked with him about this, about how alcohol disrupts what the medicine is trying to control, but I can get nowhere with him on that front.

Of course, I'd love to see him continue on these meds and with therapy.  IF he would continue down THIS path, I feel confident that he can regain a normal life.  But with this disorder there are no givens.  I realize that he could step off this path at any point and I see my job as being the one to REMIND him how bad it was before he started treatment.

As a mother, the one thing I'd like to feel is secure where he is concerned.  When you face a crisis, there is nothing better than that feeling of finally being able to let out a big sigh when it's over; that calming breath you get to take when you finally get on the other side of it.

It's sad to me to know that it may be a very long time before I feel confident that I can let out this breath I've been holding for the last year and a half.

Everything happens for a reason.  I LOVE Josh's doctor, so all that yelling I did at God?  Well, I've had to apologize for questioning his plan.  THIS doctor is the one Josh was supposed to see and that's exactly what happened.

Josh said to me last night, "I don't know how you've done this Mom.  How have you gotten through all this?"

"Well, first of all I love you.  I would walk through fire for one of my kids, but secondly, none of this is your fault.  You were dealt a crappy hand, right at the VERY moment your adult life should have been taking flight.  I won't stop fighting for you until I see you soaring."