I was driving to a client appointment yesterday morning when Josh called. I sat in the parking lot at my client's office for over an hour talking to him.
He had a lot to say and finally I asked, "Honey, are you a bit manic today?"
"No, I took an adderall because I have a lot to get done today and it makes me like this."
"Well, be careful with those, I've read that they can trigger a manic episode."
He told me that he's staying at his job, but that he's embarrassed because the night he gave his notice he'd had a 'breakdown', complete with tears.
"Did something happen that upset you?"
"No, nothing at work, but something I was thinking about upset me."
This triggered my memory. As a Junior in High School Josh worked at a local grocery store as a stock boy. He had an emotional breakdown, complete with tears, one night there too. He had been having issues with his Dad and in thinking about that situation, he had a breakdown.
This made me think about some of the other jobs he'd gone through back then. His first job ever was at Target, stocking shelves. He was there maybe six months when he quit because he hated it and the people. Then he worked at the grocery, which he quit and then he worked as a busboy at a local breakfast/lunch restaurant. He quit that job too. Then he landed at the video store, and he worked there for over two years. He was in his element at that job, which is why I think he stayed as long as he did. But it makes me wonder if Bipolar wasn't present back then to some degree.
Anyway, Josh had been reading and reading about schizophrenia in an OLD, OLD encyclopedia set his Dad had given him. He seems to be trying very hard to figure out what's wrong with him.
"Well honey, reading that probably isn't helpful, the information is so outdated."
"Yea but Mom, this Bipolar thing seems so fuzzy, I just can't figure out where I fit into all this."
"Well Bipolar IS fuzzy, it manifests itself so differently in each individual person, but a doctor should be able to wade through it all and make an accurate diagnosis."
I told Josh about Jim Phelp's book and the Mood spectrum he describes and that I've felt that Josh falls on the depressive side with a slight underlying mania that feeds his negative thoughts.
"Yes! Now that sounds like what I'm feeling."
I told him to come by and get my Kindle so he could read the book, that I thought it would be helpful to him.
He talked a lot about how his mind is working and he said he has had a few auditory hallucinations, where he hears music. "Living in an apartment is great though, if I hear something I just assume it's the neighbors."
He was concerned that those hallucinations are an indicator of schizophrenia.
"Well, a woman I know who has Bipolar told me that she has hallucinations too, but that she KNOWS they're hallucinations. A schizophrenic often doesn't realize that what they're experiencing isn't real."
"Well that's reassuring. When I have them, I KNOW they're not real. I guess I've been thinking that since I have those I MUST be schizophrenic."
"No, and really honey, from the reading I did about it, I really don't think you need to worry about that. So many of the symptoms between the two conditions are the same, but you HAVE to have significant hallucinations to qualify as a schizophrenic."
"Oh good. But what about my paranoia."
"Well, do you think people are out to get you?"
"No, not really, it's more like I think people are talking about me and stuff like that."
"What I read about a paranoid schizophrenic is that they SERIOUSLY think people are out to get them, like tapping their phones, poisoning their food, stuff like that. I think maybe your anxiety is what feeds those thoughts that people are talking about you and stuff. I really think that anxiety is a big part of your problem actually and I think a good anti-anxiety medication could really help you, in fact, that could be all you need, I don't know."
"I agree, I think I need something for anxiety."
Josh expressed concerns about the costs of all this care.
"Well, I've kept your health insurance in force and I'm glad I've done that. Yes, this will cost some money, but it will be basic co-pays. Think about how much more expensive it would be if you didn't address this and wound back up in the hospital."
"True, but I know money is so tight for you right now."
"Honey, please don't worry about that, I don't want you stressed about money. You concentrate on getting well and working towards being able to handle your own rent and living expenses."
"Well, I've already got $70 saved up for my June rent. We talked about me giving you $200 this month and that shouldn't be a problem."
Josh stopped by in the afternoon to get my Kindle, use my computer and do some laundry.
I spent a couple of hours with him, but then I had to leave for a late afternoon client appointment. Before I left I told him, "Honey, I am so proud of you. I know this is so hard, all of it, and I'm so proud that you are self aware and intelligent enough to process this and want to get help."
The look on his face told me that he appreciated my comment.
"I keep thinking about things like being on medicine and never being able to drink again. I guess it's hard to accept that there are things I can't do anymore."
I told him about the essay I'd read on acceptance and that the woman who wrote it expressed that very same thing, "but she realized after struggling against this disorder for twenty years, that she could either accept the limitations this presented so that she could stay healthy and have a good life, or she could continue to quit jobs, throw away relationships and travel the country like a vagabond and never really find any satisfaction. "Josh, it's a choice that every Bipolar person has to make. You have to CHOSE to accept the limitations so you can stay healthy."
"Yea, I guess so, but that is hard."
"I know it is honey and honestly, there are people who have Bipolar who are able to occasionally drink in reasonable quantities. They just know that doing so will throw them a little off kilter and they prepare for it and handle it. They know they can't go on a bender, but they can have a beer or two once in a while. Other people just can't drink, either because of the Bipolar or the medication they're on. All this is unknown for you right now and you'll have to figure out as you go along what is possible for you and what actually causes your illness to get worse."
Right now, and really since he moved into his apartment, Josh's mood has stayed in the normal range, possibly leaning alittle more towards mania actually, but the depression has lifted. I know that the depression can settle back in at anytime though and I don't think in a depressive state, Josh would be able to maintain this desire to get help. So for me, time is of the essence here.
I'm waiting for Josh to text me his schedule for this week so I can call the doctor and make an appointment. I will adjust MY schedule to accommodate this.
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