Not Even Sure What to Title This Post

Something pretty amazing has happened and while I should be on Cloud 9, I'm kind of surprised that my feelings are what they are.

Let me explain.

Yesterday I was home all day because I was having a Garage Sale.  Friday Josh asked if he could come over Saturday and use the computer to apply for jobs online.

So I was expecting him yesterday, but he never showed up.

About 4 o'clock I began getting worried about him, so I texted him, "I thought you were coming over today."

No response.

By 5 o'clock, I was beginning to get really worried.  My BF tried to relieve my fear by saying, "He probably got off work really late (he worked at 10PM) and didn't get to bed till 4 or so this morning.  He's probably just asleep."

So I tried not to worry.  The BF and I had plans to go out, so we went.  But the entire time I kept checking my phone. 

Josh finally called, he'd just gotten up and seemed a little put out that I wasn't home.  "Well honey, you can go to the house and use the computer."  He said, "OK," but he sounded 'weird' to me.

A few hours later he called me, "Mom, I'm sorry to bother you but I really need to talk to you about something."

"You're not bothering me honey, what'd you need?"

"You know you talked about taking me to that Bipolar doctor?  Well, I think you need to make an appointment for us."

I was completely taken aback by this, and for some reason, at times like this with Josh I try to react very nonchalantly.  I did this when he was manic.  The entire time he was behaving like a 'crazy' person, I tried very hard not to let him KNOW that I thought he was behaving like a 'crazy' person.  It's the strangest thing, I don't understand why I do this, but I do, and for some reason I didn't want Josh to sense my true feelings at this moment when he asked me to take him to a psychiatrist. 

"OK.  Well I researched that doctor that was referred to me and I wasn't very happy with what I found so I didn't look further, but I'll get right on that Monday honey.  I just want to make sure we get in front of the right doctor."
"OK, I love you."

"Love you too honey."

And we hung up.

I turned to my BF and said, "You won't believe this.  Josh asked me to take him to a Bipolar doctor."

"Wow."

"Yea.  God, I wonder what made him decide this."

The BF must be like me, cause his reaction was about as nonchalant as mine, but I think we were both sitting there just thinking about it. 

"I wonder if he began to regret quitting his job, you know, maybe in a different 'mood', he looked back on it and maybe saw that something bigger was at play when he made that decision."

My BF said, "Well, he could talk to them, just explain he's been under a lot of stress with his move and the new job and all and ask if he could stay."

"From what he's said, I think they like him and it sounds like they think he's doing a good job, so maybe they would let him stay."

And we sat there and thought some more about it and I was wishing I'd asked him more about his change of heart.  I was having such mixed emotions.  This came out of thin air.

Then Josh called me back.

"Mom, I think I need to tell you something else, when I went to the house, I didn't look for jobs online, I did some research and when you're looking for a doctor,  you need to find a doctor who can really make a good diagnosis cause I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not Bipolar, I think I might be schizophrenic."

"Really? Why do you think that, do you hear voices and have hallucinations? I mean, I don't know much about schizophrenia, but I always thought that was one of the big differences between it and Bipolar."

"Just read about it Mom, there are four basic kinds of schizophrenia, and I kinda see myself a little bit in each of them."

"OK, I"ll research that, and I'll make sure that we find a really good doctor honey, but Josh what brought this on, I mean, are you regretting quitting your job?"

"I don't know."

"Well, if you are, I think you could talk to them about that."

"I talked to my manager last night and she said I could stay, and I'm gonna talk to her again tonight, but I don't know."

"OK, I want you to do what's best for you honey, only you know how you're feeling."

We hung up and I was totally wigged out.  "Josh says he thinks he might be schizophrenic and I don't really know much about that disorder except that in reading about Bipolar it seems like schizophrenia is so much worse, so much harder to treat and all."

I got pretty worked up, mostly I was feeling so sad for Josh, that he was going through all this and I was thinking about how he must be struggling so much trying to figure out what is 'wrong' with him.

I began crying thinking of Josh, normal and happy, just a few short years ago.

"Well," my boyfriend said, "this is a start at least."

"Yes, but I guess I'm feeling like that's all it is, just a start.  Tomorrow his mood could change and he'll be back to total denial, or during the process of finding the right medication he could hate the process; the way the medication makes him feel to the point of giving up.  I'm glad he's taking this step, but I guess I'm realizing what a long road lies ahead of him."

Of course, the first thing I did when I got home is research schizophrenia, and I'm not an expert, but I just don't 'see' Josh as schizophrenic.  He never answered me when I asked if he's hearing voices or having hallucinations, so I don't know if he's having those major hallmark type symptoms.  The only other area of schizophrenia where I think he fits is paranoia.  He's never expressed feelings of people being out to get him, but he recently said that he doesn't trust anyone and therefore he doesn't trust what anyone says to him.  This statement was in relation to his job, that his manager said he's doing a good job, but that he doesn't trust anything anyone says anymore.

One of the types of schizophrenia is called catatonic.  In this state people just stare into space, sometimes for hours at a time, not blinking.  But it also describes people with this disorder to be, well, I guess, unemotional.  Incapable of joy or anger.  Josh may see himself here in the sense that he feels no joy with life, but he has no problem expressing his anger, so again, I don't see him in this, and he's never appeared catatonic to me, even for short periods of time.

So, I don't know.  What I did read is that Bipolar and schizophrenia are often misdiagnosed for each other because there are many similar symptoms, but it seems to me in my reading that hearing voices or having hallucinations HAS to be present and ongoing for a month for a diagnosis of schizophrenia to be made.  I'm praying he's wrong because it does sound much harder to treat schizophrenia than Bipolar.

So I'm scared and unsettled.  Nothing new here really, I've been scared and unsettled for over a year now.  It was just over a year ago that Josh was hospitalized.  It has been the longest year of my life.

I have to pass this on too.  I spoke with Josh's brother Friday, telling him that Josh had quit his job and  I expressed how helpless I felt.  We talked about the financial ramifications of all this on me and how impossible it is to talk to Josh about all this stuff.

I got an email from Josh's brother late that night.  He sent me links to a bunch of sites that offer financial assistance and medical support for someone with disabilities, including Bipolar.

"I don't know what we're gonna do with that kid, but maybe you could call some of these places and get some help with all this, for you and for him."

I thought that was sweet of him to take the time to look into this stuff.

Clearly we all want Josh to get 'better'.  We all realize there is no cure, but there is a path forward for him and I'm trying to not project into the future very far and just be glad that Josh has finally put one foot on that path.

On a lighter note, I hope Josh doesn't have schizophrenia because when I spell checked this post, I had spelt it wrong about half the time.  Bipolar is much easier to type.