Schmadrian asked in a comment on my last post for an update and wondered if "no news is good news."
Actually, no news simply means not much movement is taking place in either direction.
Josh is doing better with his school responsibilities. He currently has an 'A' in one class, a high 'B' in another class, but is struggling still to get his final grade up from a low 'C'.
The adderall does seem to have helped him with his ability to focus and, for the most part, he's been better at time management with his school work.
He's still not doing so well with his household responsibilities and his lack of respect for me continues to be problematic.
I had a need to see our Nurse Practitioner this past week and when we were finished discussing my medical issues, she asked how Josh was doing.
I explained that the adderall seemed to help, but he had failed to put in place any of her other suggestions; a daily multivitamin and additional supplements, better eating habits and exercise.
And I started crying as I explained to her that what was hardest for me was remembering Josh as he's always been, very social, always out and about, and contrasting it to this young man who is content (and he DOES seem to be content) alone in his room much of the time, seeing his friends here and there.
We talked long enough that her Nurse finally tapped on the door to remind her that she had other patients waiting. She hugged me and asked if I were getting help for ME in coping with this.
"Well, I have a therapist and she and I HAVE discussed Josh on occasion."
"I think you need to make an appointment to see her. This is all very hard and you need some support and professional advice."
Prior to seeing my therapist though, I had a talk with Josh. He had, once again, failed to clean the house as agreed upon.
I basically told him that he had until the end of this current semester to 'show me' that he would like to continue living here. I told him that I'm not going to mention the housework again, but if he misses a week between now and the end of the year, he will be looking for other living arrangements when 2011 rolls around. And I told him that his lack of respect would not be tolerated.
"I deserve to live in a calm, peaceful environment. You are a GUEST in this house, and like many house guests, your welcome is wearing very thin."
When I met with my therapist, she encouraged me to call him on his disrespect EVERY single time it happens, but to also find opportunities each day to give him some positive affirmations.
"Tell him, "I really like the way you ________" and make a habit of catching him doing things well. It's not enough to read one of his papers and comment that it is good, point out to him an area of the paper where you think he really nailed it. Things like that will give him much needed confidence in himself, and it interjects 'good' feelings between you so that it doesn't all look like negativity regarding his behavior."
She also told me that I have to be fully prepared to set him on his way, but to be very careful of the wording I use. "You aren't 'kicking him out', he has CHOSEN, through his own behavior, to move on."
We talked about my fears, were he to leave my home, and my greatest fear is that he has isolated himself so much, and to go off and live alone would find him in complete isolation. That could lead to a slide into depression.
"Well, he is a young man who should only move out into a roommate situation. Not only will he not be in isolation, but he will then continue to learn HOW to live with someone else."
But finding a roommate situation for Josh won't be easy, he has no friends who are able to share an apartment with him.
My therapist's final advice to me was to try to get Josh to begin seeing her so he could learn anger management skills and better life skills, but also work through his anger and hurt regarding his father and me.
Josh completely shut down a discussion on the subject though.
When I tried to discuss his work situation he told me, and he's really right, that he has an obligation to pay me $100 a month for his car and $100 a month for his auto insurance, and as long as he is meeting those obligations to ME, his work and money situation is none of my business.
I agreed with him, but pointed out that he needs to keep in mind that his car could break tomorrow, or some other calamity could befall him and HE needs to be prepared for that because as an adult it is HIS responsibility to address life's little problems, not to look to me for money.
He has decided to meet with the counselor at school and change his major. His senior year of High School he was set on studying secondary education with a desire to be a High School Literature teacher. He's going to find out what curriculum he needs to follow for a secondary education degree.
I've never cared WHAT he does, but I think some focus would be good for him and honestly, he would be an amazing English teacher.
I told him when we talked, and I've told him this all along, that as long as he is functioning well, living in harmony with me and living up to his responsibilities, he can live here until he's out of school, but it's really all up to him.
He's gonna have to start walkin the walk.
4 comments:
Such a long, unmapped journey, huh?
From here, a particular picture is painted of him, especially in his reaction to your enquiries about money.
How is his brother seeing 'all this'?
And does Josh have a primary confidante?
my name is ciara I'm 19 and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since i was 9. I've been where your son Josh is now. He's starting meds again and still in a mood state that seems somewhat normal but at a drop of the hat can change. Ive experienced having jumbled thoughts or racing thoughts where the information is there but it wont come out. I've taken some meds that worked and some that didn't it was a long rollercoaster ride to find the exact combo that worked for me, abilify, serequil, and buspar. However i'm proof that it does get better. You do find stability, and some peace of mind. Unfortunately this is a life situation not a temporary one, but with the right med combo it gets easier. Over time you also need to increase or decrease your meds theres no fixed dose usually. I've felt like i don't want to get out of bed in the morning even though my mind knew i should. I've also regretably been disrespectful to my mother and had shouting matches over some insignificant thing. However every time that happened i was unstable and not myself. Stable i would never shout at my mom, or get into an unwinnable argument over something little or big. It's only when i'm on the edge of unstability that this happens. Later on i feel horrible about it, but at the time i'm not myself. I don't act or think like i do normally. thankfully my mother understands this, and is my biggest supporter and advocate. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior by saying i was unstable i'm saying that was the root of it i was wrong to do that and regreted it almost immediately, and like you my mom didn't just brush it under the rug she let me know. However my brother is more like josh in the arguing aspect. He still does it but he does it when he's "triggered" something someone says or does will "trigger" a part of him that will get angry and theres no reasoning with him, becuase in that backward state reason isn't logical. My mother knows she has to let him go in his room and calm down. However my brother is 17 and still a minor so the moving out isn't an option. My mother knows theres going to be a time where he will move out but she also knows that kicking him out when he's in that state will be setting him up for failure instead he'll move out when he's stable. (I'm not giving you advice on what to do becasue i have no business doing that i'm just stating my brothers experience)You both have a long journey ahead of you, but no matter how lost he feels or how desperate you feel always remember this is temporary there is light at the end of the tunnel and with some work you'll both reach that light. Trust me you will both get through. Having bipolar disorder and dealing with a person who has bipolar disorder is confusing and challenging. Self help books help but that is what works for some people might not work for you. You will find what works for you in your own way. My mother dealt with our illness in part by writing books about the subject she has several that you might like to read. Her website is www.bpkids.org her website is directed more to kids but she has a lot of stuff for parents too. I know i'm no expert and i certainly am not qualified to give adice but i do have bipolar disorder and i've had it for 10 years so i am an expert in having it and dealing with it. If you ever have a question for me go to my blog www.support4bipolarteens.blogspot.com and leave a comment i will be happy to respond. You will get through keep that thoughg in mind and i promise you'll keep your sanity in this insane time.
name is ciara I'm 19 and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since i was 9. I've been where your son Josh is now. He's starting meds again and still in a mood state that seems somewhat normal but at a drop of the hat can change. Ive experienced having jumbled thoughts or racing thoughts where the information is there but it wont come out. I've taken some meds that worked and some that didn't it was a long rollercoaster ride to find the exact combo that worked for me, abilify, serequil, and buspar. However i'm proof that it does get better. You do find stability, and some peace of mind. Unfortunately this is a life situation not a temporary one, but with the right med combo it gets easier. Over time you also need to increase or decrease your meds theres no fixed dose usually. I've felt like i don't want to get out of bed in the morning even though my mind knew i should. I've also regretably been disrespectful to my mother and had shouting matches over some insignificant thing. However every time that happened i was unstable and not myself. Stable i would never shout at my mom, or get into an unwinnable argument over something little or big. It's only when i'm on the edge of unstability that this happens. Later on i feel horrible about it, but at the time i'm not myself. I don't act or think like i do normally. thankfully my mother understands this, and is my biggest supporter and advocate. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior by saying i was unstable i'm saying that was the root of it i was wrong to do that and regreted it almost immediately, and like you my mom didn't just brush it under the rug she let me know. However my brother is more like josh in the arguing aspect. He still does it but he does it when he's "triggered" something someone says or does will "trigger" a part of him that will get angry and theres no reasoning with him, becuase in that backward state reason isn't logical. My mother knows she has to let him go in his room and calm down. However my brother is 17 and still a minor so the moving out isn't an option. My mother knows theres going to be a time where he will move out but she also knows that kicking him out when he's in that state will be setting him up for failure instead he'll move out when he's stable. (I'm not giving you advice on what to do becasue i have no business doing that i'm just stating my brothers experience)You both have a long journey ahead of you, but no matter how lost he feels or how desperate you feel always remember this is temporary there is light at the end of the tunnel and with some work you'll both reach that light. Trust me you will both get through. Having bipolar disorder and dealing with a person who has bipolar disorder is confusing and challenging. Self help books help but that is what works for some people might not work for you. You will find what works for you in your own way. My mother dealt with our illness in part by writing books about the subject she has several that you might like to read. Her website is www.bpkids.org her website is directed more to kids but she has a lot of stuff for parents too. I know i'm no expert and i certainly am not qualified to give adice but i do have bipolar disorder and i've had it for 10 years so i am an expert in having it and dealing with it. If you ever have a question for me go to my blog www.support4bipolarteens.blogspot.com and leave a comment i will be happy to respond. You will get through keep that thoughg in mind and i promise you'll keep your sanity in this insane time.
Hi my name is Ciara. I'm the previous commenter and writer of www.support4bipolarteens.blogspot.com I wanted to tell you about a contest CABF (Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation) is in. The contest is for $250,000 in grant money. The organization with the most votes wins. They will use it to help children with depression and bipolar disorder. The contest is based on how many votes they get so people have to vote everyday for them to win. For all the information on it go to www.bpkids.org/pepsi. It's a really good cause that i know you'll care about since your son also has bipolar disorder. This organization does wonderful things to help people with bipolar disorder and also support their families. Please help them win by voting everyday. Thank you, and good luck.
Post a Comment