Since Josh was diagnosed with Bipolar II, I have read countless books and websites on the subject. I have poured through message boards and attended a Bipolar Support Group. Along the way I've learned quite a bit, but I'm still learning.
I downloaded a book onto my Kindle yesterday, and while I'm only about 25% through the book, I have already learned something very important.
Josh probably isn't a good candidate for anti-depressants. Somewhere, in all the reading I've done, I totally missed the concept of anti-depressants triggering mania in someone who is Bipolar. Actually this is complete stupidity on my part because Josh's initial slide into mania was probably 'caused' by the use of Prestiq for his depression.
And that's the problem with this disorder. There are SO many issues at play with it and yet, there is so much unknown. As I've moved through all this, I've actually 'forgotten' some of the things I learned early on.
This is the book I am reading. Dr. Phelps also maintains a website, which is FULL of great information.
On his website (and probably in his book, although I haven't got to that section of it yet) there is DETAILED information about the brain and how it 'might' be effected by Bipolar. Dr. Phelps explains current research and possible explanations for what happens inside a Bipolar brain. While it can all get pretty technical, even *I* could follow along and absorb the information.
In reading this book and website, I can 'see' Josh when Dr. Phelps talks about Mixed States. While Josh doesn't exhibit full blown mania in conjunction with full blown depression, I still can see him when Dr. Phelps explains it like this:
"This combination is one of the most severe and dangerous mood states known. You feel overengergized to the point of agitation, and yet you are terribly depressed. You may feel extremely irritable and extremely hopeless at the same time, giving you an angry, "What's the point anyway?" attitude. Your mind is usually racing with thoughts, nearly all of them very negative. Perhaps worse of all is a reversed self confidence, where the grandiosity of mania is instead experienced as a profound lack of self-esteem, to the point where you feel worse than worthless: you are slime, you are a burden to others, and you cannot do anything correctly or of any value.
While depression alone can lead to suicide, depression in this mixed-state condition often leads to intense suicidal thoughts that seem utterly appropriate. People can really believe their loved ones will be better off without them."
I guess the best way to say it is that it makes sense that in the depressed state Josh is in, when he becomes even slightly manic, all those racing thoughts are negative and directed at himself. I HEARD that in my kitchen the other night.
To put it very simply, Dr. Phelps believes in the concept of a "Mood Spectrum", where mania can be mild and laying beneath the surface, even in someone who 'lives' almost all the way to the left on the Spectrum. He cautions that identifying someone with "Major Depression" and not looking for underlying 'soft' bipolar symptoms is dangerous. If there are underlying 'soft' bipolar symptoms and an anti-depressant is used, the medication can trigger a manic phase.
It's quite possible that this is exactly what happened to Josh. He exhibited many 'soft' bipolar symptoms, yet the original diagnosis was depression. Of course, it's quite possible that the medication had nothing to do with the slide towards the other end of the spectrum, it might have naturally occurred, but it certainly makes you wonder.
I'm terrified that his current depression, when coupled with even a mild manic state, could lead him to suicide. You listen to him and it's hard to miss how much he hates himself and life in general. And if he's all up in his head, having racing thoughts, and all those thoughts are negative...well, it's easy to see how suicide might seem like the perfect solution to the problem.
And yet, he refuses treatment, refuses to accept that Bipolar may be at work in his life.
I can understand the denial, and I imagine that there is a process Josh has to go through to get to acceptance, I just wish he'd GET THERE. It terrifies me to think that he may be one of the many who never accepts the disorder and is handicapped by it forever. More terrifying is thinking that he may kill himself, and in it all, I question how long I can financially hold this all together.
I spoke with Josh last night, and we're going to look at apartments this weekend. He is still in training as a server at work but said he enjoys it and "it's a piece of cake". He begins actually serving next week and I hope that it doesn't stress him. I imagine a server in training isn't given a full section to work, so what looks easy now, may look very different to him next week.
He sounded good though, and I always like to hear that.
And here's my final thought for the day. Where do *I* find a Dr. Phelps? MY therapist suggested a doctor to me, who she doesn't 'know', she only knows that he specializes in Bipolar. When I researched him on the internet, the comments from his patients were HORRIBLE. Let's face it, I've gotten Josh to agree to another assessment, I HAVE to get him in front of someone who is highly skilled in diagnosing but also skilled in guiding a patient towards acceptance. I don't have the luxury of trial and error in finding the correct doctor for Josh.
Dr. Phelps seems like a dedicated, forward thinking practioner; a doctor who looks at the big picture and relates ALL he's learned through his work with patients to each patient. I don't want to put Josh in front of someone who isn't the same. The mental health field is full of horror stories and I don't want Josh to be one of them. I feel intense pressure to 'get this right' because it may be my last chance to get him onboard anytime soon.
I've searched the internet locally seeking someone very gifted in Bipolar, but I've come up with nothing. I think I'll call the therapist that Josh was seeing when he became depressed. In his practice he has a couple of psychiatrists and maybe one of them would be our best choice?
I don't know. All I do know is that this Bipolar thing leaves me constantly feeling like a fish out of water. Can you imagine how Josh must feel then?
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Hopeless
It appears that Josh's situation will soon be changing. He's found out that his father is going to be evicted from his home the beginning of May. His father and step mother are relocating to Florida.
"Are you going with them?"
"Are you nuts? I don't even want to be living with them now, I'm sure not following them to Florida!"
So I've given a lot of thought to what comes next for Josh. Living with me again is not an option. Since Josh moved out I have experienced such calm and peace in my home. Living with Josh had become impossible and nothing about him has changed to make me think that living with him again would be pleasant. I feel horribly guilty about this stance, but there it is. I'm not willing to open my home to him again.
I met with my therapist and told her of a couple of ideas I had to help Josh out. We agreed on one of my plans, to assist Josh financially in getting a studio apartment. I can't really afford this, I will be using borrowed money to provide this assistance, but I feel that I have to DO something.
We felt that choosing a six month lease would prevent me from assuming responsibility for an entire year and would give Josh enough time to gear up for full financial responsibility for himself, and that the time frame might alleviate the stress of having to deal with an immediate need. We felt that having his own place, with his own things with him might enhance his mental health, and we felt that finally having a place of his own might lead him to WANT to do what is necessary to maintain it past the six months.
Well, like sometimes happens....the best laid plans......
.....dont' work out the way you envisioned.
Oh, actually, THAT part of the plan was accepted by Josh in its entirety.
The second part of the plan didn't go so well though. The second part of the plan involved me asking Josh to do me the favor of having an assessment with a doctor who specializes in Bipolar. I broached this subject with him carefully, and explained the things I had seen over the last few months that had me concerned that Bipolar may be tripping him up. I asked him only to commit to an assessment, nothing more. I reminded him that he was diagnosed during a period of sleep deprivation induced mania and I felt it would be beneficial to be assessed in a non-manic state.
He reluctantly agreed to see the doctor 'for me', "But Mom, it doesn't matter what he says, I'm not getting on the pill bandwagon."
The conversation then degraded to what it always degrades to when I try to discuss Bipolar with Josh.
I can't even begin to relate our entire conversation to you, but suffice it to say that with every minute that went by, my heart shattered further. What I'll try to do is just list some of his random comments, but I don't think you will get the totality of what was said, no matter how hard I try to remember the most salient parts of the conversation. My comments to Josh are in italics.
"Mom, don't you GET IT? I'm NEVER going to be happy. I spend most of my time in a suicidal state, overwhelmed with feelings of doubt and self loathing." "Why the self loathing?" "I'm a terrible person, hell, you've lived with me, you better than anyone should see why I hate myself."
"You want to give me a handout and I feel AWFUL accepting it. You of all people, I can't imagine why you feel so compelled to help me." "Because I'm your mother and because I honestly believe there is something bigger than you at work here tripping you up, and because I love you honey." "And that's exactly why I'm never having kids!"
"I'm never going to be able to afford this on my own, NEVER. I'll never make enough money to cover an apartment and all my expenses and have any money left over to have any kind of life...hence the suicidal thoughts." "Well, given some time you can work your way up to making more money, and until you get there, I'm right here to help you." "Yes, but don't you get it? I'll be working for something I don't even WANT?" "Well, what DO you want Josh?" "Nothing Mom, I don't want anything, I sure don't want what most people strive for, all I know is I don't want to work for some piece of shit existence."
"I'd be dead by now Mom, except I'm a coward. You know, everyone says that killing yourself is so cowardly, and I can tell you for a fact, it's not....it takes a very brave person to do that and I'm nothing but a coward." "Well, I for one am GLAD that you're a coward then."
"I don't just NOT want what you have Mom, I don't want ANYTHING. There is no joy in my life, the only thing that would make me happy would be to live in a shack in Tennessee and have a spear and hunt my own food, and that's not likely to happen."
"You know I've had a couple manic episodes since I moved out, and they always happen when I'm sleep deprived." "How did you handle them?!" "I shut up. I just didn't talk, I just got through them up in my head."
"The reason everyone fights so hard to have THINGS is because most people don't see the world the way I do, the world is a mess and all this scurrying around like ants? Well, THAT'S insanity Mom. People don't see reality." "You know Josh, the reality is that most people find pleasure in life, most people don't think of killing themselves 24/7, most people have successful social interactions and find pride in creating a life for themselves. That YOU don't just leads me to believe that Bipolar may be at work here." "Oh bullshit." "No Josh, seriously, think about it, YOU are one of the few people in the entire WORLD who has this all worked out correctly? Can't you see that your thought processes are not the norm, and *I* believe that's because your brain chemistry is messed up, and as your mother, as someone who loves you SO much and wants to see you happy and functioning well, it's heartbreaking to hear you refuse to take a freakin' pill if that pill will allow you to have normal, meaningful social interactions and all that." "See? This is why I hesitated even coming over here to discuss the apartment thing with you cause you start this shit."
"Josh, the idea behind me helping you for six months is to allow you time to settle in at your new job, or get a better full time job, so that at the end of six months you'll be ready to do this on your own. Do you feel like you can work toward that goal?" "I don't KNOW Mom, I can't predict the future. Nothing....absolutely NOTHING in my life has EVER worked out the way I wanted, so I seriously doubt that this will. "Well Josh, I'd hate to get to the end of this six month period and then wind up right back here, with you not able to manage on your own. I mean, what do we do then? What other options do you have NOW?" "A homeless shelter, I guess." "Do you want to do that?!!" "NO! But other than that, my only other option is to sleep in my car and starve to death." "But Josh, look around you, MILLIONS of people do this every single day. I'm not asking you to live in a million dollar mansion and get yourself in the position to afford it. We're talking about a tiny little apartment. The fact that you can't fathom doing what is normal, standard stuff for MOST people indicates to me that SOMETHING is interfering with all this for you."
Nothing I said got through to him, and of course it didn't, he's Bipolar!!
At the time I told him to forget the doctor, thinking that if he really won't accept treatment, what's the point. But after Josh left as I talked to my boyfriend, he said, "Hey! If he agreed to go, I'd take him up on that, you never know, the doctor may be able to make progress with him that you aren't able to, he's a professional, this is what he does, maybe he can get Josh to at least TRY treatment.
And he's right. Josh and I left it that I would do more research and try to find something even cheaper. I'm not sure I CAN find something cheaper in an area that I'm comfortable with, but I'll look. And when he and I talk again, I'm going to tell him that I would like him to see the doctor with me.
As he was leaving I remembered that his bank statement came and gave it to him. Apparently he has overdrawn his checking account and I told him that they charge you $5-7 a day. "How long has it been overdrawn?" "Too long Mom, when my first paycheck goes in there, this is going to eat it up!"
He got very upset and I told him that if he needed some money I could help him out. He wadded the statement up and threw it in the trash, and as he was walking out the door he said, "What? More money I owe you?!!! God, I'm never going to get ahead that way. I love you, I'll talk to you later."
So I sit with worry and concern. I question whether in his current frame of mind my six month plan will work at all. I think the only thing I can do at this point is try to find him something as cheap as possible and hope he WILL see the doctor and that the doctor can make some inroads, because, if not, I imagine things will not only NOT be better in six months, they'll probably be markedly worse.
"Are you going with them?"
"Are you nuts? I don't even want to be living with them now, I'm sure not following them to Florida!"
So I've given a lot of thought to what comes next for Josh. Living with me again is not an option. Since Josh moved out I have experienced such calm and peace in my home. Living with Josh had become impossible and nothing about him has changed to make me think that living with him again would be pleasant. I feel horribly guilty about this stance, but there it is. I'm not willing to open my home to him again.
I met with my therapist and told her of a couple of ideas I had to help Josh out. We agreed on one of my plans, to assist Josh financially in getting a studio apartment. I can't really afford this, I will be using borrowed money to provide this assistance, but I feel that I have to DO something.
We felt that choosing a six month lease would prevent me from assuming responsibility for an entire year and would give Josh enough time to gear up for full financial responsibility for himself, and that the time frame might alleviate the stress of having to deal with an immediate need. We felt that having his own place, with his own things with him might enhance his mental health, and we felt that finally having a place of his own might lead him to WANT to do what is necessary to maintain it past the six months.
Well, like sometimes happens....the best laid plans......
.....dont' work out the way you envisioned.
Oh, actually, THAT part of the plan was accepted by Josh in its entirety.
The second part of the plan didn't go so well though. The second part of the plan involved me asking Josh to do me the favor of having an assessment with a doctor who specializes in Bipolar. I broached this subject with him carefully, and explained the things I had seen over the last few months that had me concerned that Bipolar may be tripping him up. I asked him only to commit to an assessment, nothing more. I reminded him that he was diagnosed during a period of sleep deprivation induced mania and I felt it would be beneficial to be assessed in a non-manic state.
He reluctantly agreed to see the doctor 'for me', "But Mom, it doesn't matter what he says, I'm not getting on the pill bandwagon."
The conversation then degraded to what it always degrades to when I try to discuss Bipolar with Josh.
I can't even begin to relate our entire conversation to you, but suffice it to say that with every minute that went by, my heart shattered further. What I'll try to do is just list some of his random comments, but I don't think you will get the totality of what was said, no matter how hard I try to remember the most salient parts of the conversation. My comments to Josh are in italics.
"Mom, don't you GET IT? I'm NEVER going to be happy. I spend most of my time in a suicidal state, overwhelmed with feelings of doubt and self loathing." "Why the self loathing?" "I'm a terrible person, hell, you've lived with me, you better than anyone should see why I hate myself."
"You want to give me a handout and I feel AWFUL accepting it. You of all people, I can't imagine why you feel so compelled to help me." "Because I'm your mother and because I honestly believe there is something bigger than you at work here tripping you up, and because I love you honey." "And that's exactly why I'm never having kids!"
"I'm never going to be able to afford this on my own, NEVER. I'll never make enough money to cover an apartment and all my expenses and have any money left over to have any kind of life...hence the suicidal thoughts." "Well, given some time you can work your way up to making more money, and until you get there, I'm right here to help you." "Yes, but don't you get it? I'll be working for something I don't even WANT?" "Well, what DO you want Josh?" "Nothing Mom, I don't want anything, I sure don't want what most people strive for, all I know is I don't want to work for some piece of shit existence."
"I'd be dead by now Mom, except I'm a coward. You know, everyone says that killing yourself is so cowardly, and I can tell you for a fact, it's not....it takes a very brave person to do that and I'm nothing but a coward." "Well, I for one am GLAD that you're a coward then."
"I don't just NOT want what you have Mom, I don't want ANYTHING. There is no joy in my life, the only thing that would make me happy would be to live in a shack in Tennessee and have a spear and hunt my own food, and that's not likely to happen."
"You know I've had a couple manic episodes since I moved out, and they always happen when I'm sleep deprived." "How did you handle them?!" "I shut up. I just didn't talk, I just got through them up in my head."
"The reason everyone fights so hard to have THINGS is because most people don't see the world the way I do, the world is a mess and all this scurrying around like ants? Well, THAT'S insanity Mom. People don't see reality." "You know Josh, the reality is that most people find pleasure in life, most people don't think of killing themselves 24/7, most people have successful social interactions and find pride in creating a life for themselves. That YOU don't just leads me to believe that Bipolar may be at work here." "Oh bullshit." "No Josh, seriously, think about it, YOU are one of the few people in the entire WORLD who has this all worked out correctly? Can't you see that your thought processes are not the norm, and *I* believe that's because your brain chemistry is messed up, and as your mother, as someone who loves you SO much and wants to see you happy and functioning well, it's heartbreaking to hear you refuse to take a freakin' pill if that pill will allow you to have normal, meaningful social interactions and all that." "See? This is why I hesitated even coming over here to discuss the apartment thing with you cause you start this shit."
"Josh, the idea behind me helping you for six months is to allow you time to settle in at your new job, or get a better full time job, so that at the end of six months you'll be ready to do this on your own. Do you feel like you can work toward that goal?" "I don't KNOW Mom, I can't predict the future. Nothing....absolutely NOTHING in my life has EVER worked out the way I wanted, so I seriously doubt that this will. "Well Josh, I'd hate to get to the end of this six month period and then wind up right back here, with you not able to manage on your own. I mean, what do we do then? What other options do you have NOW?" "A homeless shelter, I guess." "Do you want to do that?!!" "NO! But other than that, my only other option is to sleep in my car and starve to death." "But Josh, look around you, MILLIONS of people do this every single day. I'm not asking you to live in a million dollar mansion and get yourself in the position to afford it. We're talking about a tiny little apartment. The fact that you can't fathom doing what is normal, standard stuff for MOST people indicates to me that SOMETHING is interfering with all this for you."
Nothing I said got through to him, and of course it didn't, he's Bipolar!!
At the time I told him to forget the doctor, thinking that if he really won't accept treatment, what's the point. But after Josh left as I talked to my boyfriend, he said, "Hey! If he agreed to go, I'd take him up on that, you never know, the doctor may be able to make progress with him that you aren't able to, he's a professional, this is what he does, maybe he can get Josh to at least TRY treatment.
And he's right. Josh and I left it that I would do more research and try to find something even cheaper. I'm not sure I CAN find something cheaper in an area that I'm comfortable with, but I'll look. And when he and I talk again, I'm going to tell him that I would like him to see the doctor with me.
As he was leaving I remembered that his bank statement came and gave it to him. Apparently he has overdrawn his checking account and I told him that they charge you $5-7 a day. "How long has it been overdrawn?" "Too long Mom, when my first paycheck goes in there, this is going to eat it up!"
He got very upset and I told him that if he needed some money I could help him out. He wadded the statement up and threw it in the trash, and as he was walking out the door he said, "What? More money I owe you?!!! God, I'm never going to get ahead that way. I love you, I'll talk to you later."
So I sit with worry and concern. I question whether in his current frame of mind my six month plan will work at all. I think the only thing I can do at this point is try to find him something as cheap as possible and hope he WILL see the doctor and that the doctor can make some inroads, because, if not, I imagine things will not only NOT be better in six months, they'll probably be markedly worse.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
A Holding Pattern
Josh celebrated his birthday with us (us being my BF, his brother and brother's girlfriend). He was a little nit picky with me, but generally seemed ok. His brother felt he seemed OK. So maybe his current 'state of mind' is more a function of how crappy his life is right now and not so much bipolar based. I dunno. He's started his new job; is in training and liking it ok but hoping to get more hours and make more money once training is over. I haven't seen him since his birthday, but have talked to him several times. He is functioning, I guess. He made a dentist's appointment, hoping to get his teeth cleaned and checked before his insurance ran out. Then he slept through the appointment (a $75 missed appointment fee). He rescheduled and called me five minutes after he was supposed to be there and said he'd just woken up. I suggested he call them and see if they could still see him. He shouted, "Whatever!" at me and hung up. BUT, he DID call them and they DID see him and he has one small cavity and will go back tomorrow to have it filled. He also made an appointment with his eye doctor. So in some ways, he's kind of on top of it....kind of. He did mention to me that he has 'fun' at work, "funny thing is that no one there knows how really depressed I am, they just think I'm fun to be around." I KNOW there is underlying depression. Who wouldn't be depressed living as Josh is? The saddest thing for me is that I don't see how his situation is going to improve anytime soon. He's not making enough money to move out of his father's house, so he's stuck in an unhealthy environment. So I worry, and then I move my worry to the back burner because, in the end, there's not much I can do about Josh's situation. I stay in touch and monitor him and hope he stays in a state that slightly resembles stable. I'm not willing to intervene to the point of having him move back here, I merely help where I can and stay in touch. It seems like not enough, but I don't know how else to handle this situation.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Slip Sliding Away
You know, I'm hard pressed to describe exactly 'where' Josh is right now from an emotional standpoint, but all indications are that he's about where he was this time last year. I reread the posts on my personal blog and round about February last year, Josh was irritable, completely unreasonable and he could do chapter and verse about what a horrible mother and human being I am.
He had come out of a stint at the Stress Center (after a severe depressive episode that left him contemplating suicide; sitting in the tub with razor blades) and was doing NOTHING to move his life forward and also wasn't onboard with continuing therapy.
Just a few months later he had ramped up to a manic episode.
Sadly, I see him headed that direction again. He's not 'manic'; not depressed, but he's NOT himself.
This time around he's focused all his anger on his step mother and father, who he is now living with. Their personal situation is not good, huge money problems, may lose their house, she's an alcoholic and on seroquel because hello? I've said for some time that her behavior sounds very bipolar-ish. So Josh can do chapter and verse about what a horrible person she is, he'd like to kill her (scary) and his dad is an idiot and you can't talk to him, and on and on and on.
He says it's so bad that he now 'avoids' them. "I can't talk to them, so I don't even try."
He told me he'd quit his job (stocking grocery shelves on night shift) because the guy who did the dairy aisle quit, so they put him on the dairy aisle and it's really impossible to get it done each night (and from day one, he seemed very stressed about not getting his aisles done, they keep track and he worried when he didn't get done). They were supposed to hire someone new for the dairy aisle but they weren't doing it and this particular night the skids were stacked taller than him and they expected him to get them all done on his shift and there was NO WAY any human could do that, so he left and never went back. Didn't tell anyone he was quitting. They called, he didn't answer.
Not good. Cause to me? Bipolar-ish behavior.
He DID get another job, part time, at a restaurant here by MY house that his friend, Ian works at. Ian's not the best influence ever, but he has been holding down this job for some time which is at least an improvement. Anyway, it's part time, third shift and once he gets settled in he'll try to figure out what hours he can work a second job. While this SOUNDS good, I kinda think he's won't keep this job either.
Because his attitude is sucking.
As an example, last weekend my live in boyfriend asked Josh if he'd like to make some extra money. The BF has a cleaning contract at the county jail and he was spending THIS Friday and Saturday night stripping and waxing floors. Josh jumped at the chance. I warned my BF that Josh may not be the 'best' employee. He's been around Josh enough to know that Josh isn't in the best frame of mind.
On the other hand, I thought it MIGHT do Josh good to spend time with my BF, who has mentored many young men.
Friday night went ok. Tonight, the BF called and complained, "Man, your son has a bad attitude."
"Elaborate."
"Well, he doesn't much like taking orders. I'll ask him to do something and he gets that look on his face....you know, the one I see him give you all the time, kinda like if looks could kill."
"Well, I'm sorry honey. Yea, I know that look."
"He said he's never doing this again."
"I imagine he's got that right!"
Two seconds later, Josh texts me, "Your BF's a dick and I'm never doing this again."
Here I am....stuck in the middle.
You know that famous actor who has melted down on national television? Bipolar anyone? Well, watching those clips stirs up some very powerful emotions in me. Because THAT guy? That was Josh last April.
Sadness, fear and a huge feeling of deja vu wash over me.
And Josh? Josh defends the actors behavior! Thinks it all makes perfect sense! (scary)
Thursday night Josh stopped by to pick up an old pair of shoes because he and Ian were driving down to Josh's dad's property (which houses an old beat up trailer) and spending the night.
"But you have to be back to work for (the BF) tomorrow night at 6!"
"No problem, I'll be back in time."
And he did get back on time, but he was exhausted. He'd slept 6 hours, but they hiked and ran around for HOURS and he was beat. But what was disturbing to me was his lust for all that running around, sword fighting each other with sticks. Hard to explain the conversation, but it just seemed abnormal for a 21 year old to be THAT excited about this rather childish behavior?
And before he starts his new job, he and Ian are thinking about taking off for several days to Tennessee to do the same in the Smokey Mountains. Yikes!
But a year ago? He was JUST LIKE THIS! He wanted to get away....go to his Dad's property or take off to TN. He said at the time (and still today), that his dream is to live in the wild like that, he could just live off the earth. He doesn't want the life society wants him to have...blah blah blah.
And really, from all I've read, so many people with Bipolar seem to have a 'season' when they cycle, and I'm thinking Spring is Josh's 'season'. And ummm, last time I looked, we're headed towards Spring.
Also concerning is the conversation I had with him after he finished working with the BF last night. "It was kinda weird being around all those police officers at the jail, and here I am homicidal."
"You're homicidal!?"
"Well, like kill bad guys.....I'm thinking about the Army. I know (the BF) says the Navy would be a better choice for me, but I WANT to see combat, you know, kill the bad guy. And Ian and I are gonna get some practice swords and hone our skills and we're going to do open knuckle boxing (I think that's what he called it) so we can get better at it."
"Well, I don't think they use swords in the Army anymore." (Jesus, what do you say to THAT?!)
(Hey, with Bipolar in his medical records, I don't even think he can get IN the army, were he not Bipolar, I think that discipline would be good for him, operating as he is now? If he can't take some simple directions from (the BF), I doubt he's gonna like a Sargent breathing down his neck. And the STRESS of the Army? I think it would cause him to cycle?)
I called Josh's Dad tonight. I HATE calling Josh's Dad for a couple of reasons. First of all, his wife hates me and gives him such a hard time when I call and second of all, it sounds like his life was a big enough mess BEFORE Josh moved in and now he has Josh to deal with. But I'm worried, so I called him.
"I have two things to talk to you about. First of all, I'm just really worried about Josh, he's not right....and he says he avoids you because he just can't talk to you, and right now he NEEDS someone to talk to everyday."
"Well, he's impossible to talk to. YOU know that right? I mean, I'll start a pleasant conversation with him and within five minutes he's pissed off at me for something I said, so I've given up. There's no talking to him, no reasoning with him."
"Yea, I know what you mean. Right now the conversations I have with him go ok....while last year when he was living with me, *I* was the problem, now that he's living with you, *you're* the problem."
"Well, why are you calling me? What do you want me to do, kick him out?!"
"God NO! Quite the opposite. I'm hoping that at the very least he's not being a big pain in your butt, that he can at LEAST stay there for now cause I hate the thought of him out there wondering around alone. I'm almost sure he's sliding towards another episode."
"He's not a pain, we are basically all just co-existing, but none of us are really living, frankly, I'm about sick of everyone."
This is very unlike my ex, to sound like this. His life is REALLY in bad shape and I imagine he looks around and feels he's lost all control and doesn't even know what to do next.
"Bottom line," he said, "Josh is probably gonna fall apart again, and if he does, it's likely he'll go out there and screw up...maybe big time, and then Josh is gonna have to pay the consequences. I don't think there's much you or I can do, I hate that, I hate that this is out of our hands, but it really is."
"Yea, well, here's the other thing. He's been saying some things lately about killing and shit that scare me. I know you have a lot of guns around (he hunts)."
"Well there are NO bullets...none, so don't worry about that."
I feel no better after talking to my Ex, but really, I don't think anything's gonna make me feel better short of Josh getting with the program and getting into treatment and on medication.
I'm afraid the day is coming, maybe sooner than I think, when Josh is going to be leaving his dad's house, either because Josh is fed up or because the ex is, and then I have to steel myself, because Josh moving back in here is NOT an option; not if he's like he is now...or worse. If he were on medication and functioning, that would be something to consider, but I don't think I have it in me to allow him back into my home for another round of what we lived through last year.
Basically I have to let him fall....as far as he needs to fall to 'get it', and that might result in him harming himself, or someone else, or winding up crippled in a car wreck or in jail or...or....I shudder to think.
When I get like this, start spinning these awful scenarios in my head, my BF says, "Jesus, stop it. Maybe, just maybe, something will happen that isn't horrible, but enough to wake him up to the reality of this thing."
My other concern is that he was JUST going to get on the company insurance and he quit his job. I paid ONE MORE MONTH of insurance for him, but it's almost $300 a month and I can't afford to pay it each month. So, he'll lose his insurance, and he's now un-insurable. I checked into the state insurance plan, but you have to be without coverage for 6 months to qualify for it, in six months, he can wrack up some huge medical bills if he cycles. Of course, he doesn't think he really NEEDS health insurance.
Sigh.
And at times like this I get angry. Angry that MY child isn't even recognizable anymore. That with all the technology and scientific advances we've made, we can't treat Bipolar more effectively. I'm angry that the very basis of this disorder leaves the person who has it totally unable to SEE IT.
I sit here in tears thinking about that actor and my child; because if someone like that actor, with all his money and 'handlers' and privledge could fall apart to that degree in front of millions of people, then what chance does my kid have of getting to the other side of this successfully?
And that's the rub, they are their own worst enemies, but they see all of 'us' as the enemy, and how do you combat that?
My relationship with Josh currently is in pretty good shape, but that's only because I haven't even TRIED to talk to him about this. I think I'm going to have to, and probably pretty soon, but I know that whatever I say will more than likely fall on deaf ears and might put a hole in our relationship. I don't want to allienate him, I'm about all he has right now, but I feel that about all I CAN do is have a sit down with him and TRY to get him to SEE. I don't know. There's no handbook for this thing.
Josh will turn 21 next Sunday, and I think back to the day I took his older brother home from the hospital....my first child. I was TERRIFIED. As I dressed him to go home, I suddenly felt ill equipped to care for another HUMAN BEING.....what if I inadvertanly KILLED him?!!
I laugh at that now, because THAT terror? That was nothing. This Bipolar thing is bigger than me, and I've never felt so helpless before in my life.
He had come out of a stint at the Stress Center (after a severe depressive episode that left him contemplating suicide; sitting in the tub with razor blades) and was doing NOTHING to move his life forward and also wasn't onboard with continuing therapy.
Just a few months later he had ramped up to a manic episode.
Sadly, I see him headed that direction again. He's not 'manic'; not depressed, but he's NOT himself.
This time around he's focused all his anger on his step mother and father, who he is now living with. Their personal situation is not good, huge money problems, may lose their house, she's an alcoholic and on seroquel because hello? I've said for some time that her behavior sounds very bipolar-ish. So Josh can do chapter and verse about what a horrible person she is, he'd like to kill her (scary) and his dad is an idiot and you can't talk to him, and on and on and on.
He says it's so bad that he now 'avoids' them. "I can't talk to them, so I don't even try."
He told me he'd quit his job (stocking grocery shelves on night shift) because the guy who did the dairy aisle quit, so they put him on the dairy aisle and it's really impossible to get it done each night (and from day one, he seemed very stressed about not getting his aisles done, they keep track and he worried when he didn't get done). They were supposed to hire someone new for the dairy aisle but they weren't doing it and this particular night the skids were stacked taller than him and they expected him to get them all done on his shift and there was NO WAY any human could do that, so he left and never went back. Didn't tell anyone he was quitting. They called, he didn't answer.
Not good. Cause to me? Bipolar-ish behavior.
He DID get another job, part time, at a restaurant here by MY house that his friend, Ian works at. Ian's not the best influence ever, but he has been holding down this job for some time which is at least an improvement. Anyway, it's part time, third shift and once he gets settled in he'll try to figure out what hours he can work a second job. While this SOUNDS good, I kinda think he's won't keep this job either.
Because his attitude is sucking.
As an example, last weekend my live in boyfriend asked Josh if he'd like to make some extra money. The BF has a cleaning contract at the county jail and he was spending THIS Friday and Saturday night stripping and waxing floors. Josh jumped at the chance. I warned my BF that Josh may not be the 'best' employee. He's been around Josh enough to know that Josh isn't in the best frame of mind.
On the other hand, I thought it MIGHT do Josh good to spend time with my BF, who has mentored many young men.
Friday night went ok. Tonight, the BF called and complained, "Man, your son has a bad attitude."
"Elaborate."
"Well, he doesn't much like taking orders. I'll ask him to do something and he gets that look on his face....you know, the one I see him give you all the time, kinda like if looks could kill."
"Well, I'm sorry honey. Yea, I know that look."
"He said he's never doing this again."
"I imagine he's got that right!"
Two seconds later, Josh texts me, "Your BF's a dick and I'm never doing this again."
Here I am....stuck in the middle.
You know that famous actor who has melted down on national television? Bipolar anyone? Well, watching those clips stirs up some very powerful emotions in me. Because THAT guy? That was Josh last April.
Sadness, fear and a huge feeling of deja vu wash over me.
And Josh? Josh defends the actors behavior! Thinks it all makes perfect sense! (scary)
Thursday night Josh stopped by to pick up an old pair of shoes because he and Ian were driving down to Josh's dad's property (which houses an old beat up trailer) and spending the night.
"But you have to be back to work for (the BF) tomorrow night at 6!"
"No problem, I'll be back in time."
And he did get back on time, but he was exhausted. He'd slept 6 hours, but they hiked and ran around for HOURS and he was beat. But what was disturbing to me was his lust for all that running around, sword fighting each other with sticks. Hard to explain the conversation, but it just seemed abnormal for a 21 year old to be THAT excited about this rather childish behavior?
And before he starts his new job, he and Ian are thinking about taking off for several days to Tennessee to do the same in the Smokey Mountains. Yikes!
But a year ago? He was JUST LIKE THIS! He wanted to get away....go to his Dad's property or take off to TN. He said at the time (and still today), that his dream is to live in the wild like that, he could just live off the earth. He doesn't want the life society wants him to have...blah blah blah.
And really, from all I've read, so many people with Bipolar seem to have a 'season' when they cycle, and I'm thinking Spring is Josh's 'season'. And ummm, last time I looked, we're headed towards Spring.
Also concerning is the conversation I had with him after he finished working with the BF last night. "It was kinda weird being around all those police officers at the jail, and here I am homicidal."
"You're homicidal!?"
"Well, like kill bad guys.....I'm thinking about the Army. I know (the BF) says the Navy would be a better choice for me, but I WANT to see combat, you know, kill the bad guy. And Ian and I are gonna get some practice swords and hone our skills and we're going to do open knuckle boxing (I think that's what he called it) so we can get better at it."
"Well, I don't think they use swords in the Army anymore." (Jesus, what do you say to THAT?!)
(Hey, with Bipolar in his medical records, I don't even think he can get IN the army, were he not Bipolar, I think that discipline would be good for him, operating as he is now? If he can't take some simple directions from (the BF), I doubt he's gonna like a Sargent breathing down his neck. And the STRESS of the Army? I think it would cause him to cycle?)
I called Josh's Dad tonight. I HATE calling Josh's Dad for a couple of reasons. First of all, his wife hates me and gives him such a hard time when I call and second of all, it sounds like his life was a big enough mess BEFORE Josh moved in and now he has Josh to deal with. But I'm worried, so I called him.
"I have two things to talk to you about. First of all, I'm just really worried about Josh, he's not right....and he says he avoids you because he just can't talk to you, and right now he NEEDS someone to talk to everyday."
"Well, he's impossible to talk to. YOU know that right? I mean, I'll start a pleasant conversation with him and within five minutes he's pissed off at me for something I said, so I've given up. There's no talking to him, no reasoning with him."
"Yea, I know what you mean. Right now the conversations I have with him go ok....while last year when he was living with me, *I* was the problem, now that he's living with you, *you're* the problem."
"Well, why are you calling me? What do you want me to do, kick him out?!"
"God NO! Quite the opposite. I'm hoping that at the very least he's not being a big pain in your butt, that he can at LEAST stay there for now cause I hate the thought of him out there wondering around alone. I'm almost sure he's sliding towards another episode."
"He's not a pain, we are basically all just co-existing, but none of us are really living, frankly, I'm about sick of everyone."
This is very unlike my ex, to sound like this. His life is REALLY in bad shape and I imagine he looks around and feels he's lost all control and doesn't even know what to do next.
"Bottom line," he said, "Josh is probably gonna fall apart again, and if he does, it's likely he'll go out there and screw up...maybe big time, and then Josh is gonna have to pay the consequences. I don't think there's much you or I can do, I hate that, I hate that this is out of our hands, but it really is."
"Yea, well, here's the other thing. He's been saying some things lately about killing and shit that scare me. I know you have a lot of guns around (he hunts)."
"Well there are NO bullets...none, so don't worry about that."
I feel no better after talking to my Ex, but really, I don't think anything's gonna make me feel better short of Josh getting with the program and getting into treatment and on medication.
I'm afraid the day is coming, maybe sooner than I think, when Josh is going to be leaving his dad's house, either because Josh is fed up or because the ex is, and then I have to steel myself, because Josh moving back in here is NOT an option; not if he's like he is now...or worse. If he were on medication and functioning, that would be something to consider, but I don't think I have it in me to allow him back into my home for another round of what we lived through last year.
Basically I have to let him fall....as far as he needs to fall to 'get it', and that might result in him harming himself, or someone else, or winding up crippled in a car wreck or in jail or...or....I shudder to think.
When I get like this, start spinning these awful scenarios in my head, my BF says, "Jesus, stop it. Maybe, just maybe, something will happen that isn't horrible, but enough to wake him up to the reality of this thing."
My other concern is that he was JUST going to get on the company insurance and he quit his job. I paid ONE MORE MONTH of insurance for him, but it's almost $300 a month and I can't afford to pay it each month. So, he'll lose his insurance, and he's now un-insurable. I checked into the state insurance plan, but you have to be without coverage for 6 months to qualify for it, in six months, he can wrack up some huge medical bills if he cycles. Of course, he doesn't think he really NEEDS health insurance.
Sigh.
And at times like this I get angry. Angry that MY child isn't even recognizable anymore. That with all the technology and scientific advances we've made, we can't treat Bipolar more effectively. I'm angry that the very basis of this disorder leaves the person who has it totally unable to SEE IT.
I sit here in tears thinking about that actor and my child; because if someone like that actor, with all his money and 'handlers' and privledge could fall apart to that degree in front of millions of people, then what chance does my kid have of getting to the other side of this successfully?
And that's the rub, they are their own worst enemies, but they see all of 'us' as the enemy, and how do you combat that?
My relationship with Josh currently is in pretty good shape, but that's only because I haven't even TRIED to talk to him about this. I think I'm going to have to, and probably pretty soon, but I know that whatever I say will more than likely fall on deaf ears and might put a hole in our relationship. I don't want to allienate him, I'm about all he has right now, but I feel that about all I CAN do is have a sit down with him and TRY to get him to SEE. I don't know. There's no handbook for this thing.
Josh will turn 21 next Sunday, and I think back to the day I took his older brother home from the hospital....my first child. I was TERRIFIED. As I dressed him to go home, I suddenly felt ill equipped to care for another HUMAN BEING.....what if I inadvertanly KILLED him?!!
I laugh at that now, because THAT terror? That was nothing. This Bipolar thing is bigger than me, and I've never felt so helpless before in my life.
Friday, February 25, 2011
One Step Forward.....Three Steps Back
Over the last few weeks I've been increasingly concerned that Josh was slipping towards another manic episode.
His behavior at times has been very reminiscent of the behavior he exhibited at the beginning of his slide into his first manic episode.
This young man who texts me, "Yea"..."OK"...."Love ya", suddenly one day began texting me these LONG (but very coherent) texts. It was weird. Then he exploded on me that one day, and then he began talking about symbolism in some books, and when he was headed toward mania before he became VERY interested in dissecting books, movies and art for it's symbolism.
I left on a short vacation and was unsettled about how he was doing. He wasn't sleeping well at all and all these little things that had happened were niggling at me.
While I was gone I kept in touch and he said he was sleeping better. When I got home I talked to him briefly and he sounded OK.
And then today I got a text from him, "We don't need to worry about doing the insurance application, I quit my job."
Well crap!
I asked why.
"It was a shit job and it didn't pay enough."
"Well, did something happen that made you quit?"
"Yes, and we'll talk about that when I see you tomorrow."
I'll be interested to hear what happened. My first thought was that he didn't quit, that he'd gotten fired; you know, maybe he was acting screwy at work last week or something.
The reality is that no matter WHAT job he might find, it's gonna pay NOTHING and be a menial job. At some point he's gonna have to get on board with staying somewhere long enough to move UP. He worked at that big box (going bankrupt) video store for several years, so I know he CAN do long term employment, but he never took advantage of the opportunities there for advancement. Quite the opposite really. He refused to work more than 15-20 hours a week and I really don't think he was their model employee.
So I guess we wait and see what he pulls out of his hat next. I know I'll be able to gauge his real state of mind by spending some time with him tomorrow, and I hope I'm not distressed by what I see.
Sigh.
His behavior at times has been very reminiscent of the behavior he exhibited at the beginning of his slide into his first manic episode.
This young man who texts me, "Yea"..."OK"...."Love ya", suddenly one day began texting me these LONG (but very coherent) texts. It was weird. Then he exploded on me that one day, and then he began talking about symbolism in some books, and when he was headed toward mania before he became VERY interested in dissecting books, movies and art for it's symbolism.
I left on a short vacation and was unsettled about how he was doing. He wasn't sleeping well at all and all these little things that had happened were niggling at me.
While I was gone I kept in touch and he said he was sleeping better. When I got home I talked to him briefly and he sounded OK.
And then today I got a text from him, "We don't need to worry about doing the insurance application, I quit my job."
Well crap!
I asked why.
"It was a shit job and it didn't pay enough."
"Well, did something happen that made you quit?"
"Yes, and we'll talk about that when I see you tomorrow."
I'll be interested to hear what happened. My first thought was that he didn't quit, that he'd gotten fired; you know, maybe he was acting screwy at work last week or something.
The reality is that no matter WHAT job he might find, it's gonna pay NOTHING and be a menial job. At some point he's gonna have to get on board with staying somewhere long enough to move UP. He worked at that big box (going bankrupt) video store for several years, so I know he CAN do long term employment, but he never took advantage of the opportunities there for advancement. Quite the opposite really. He refused to work more than 15-20 hours a week and I really don't think he was their model employee.
So I guess we wait and see what he pulls out of his hat next. I know I'll be able to gauge his real state of mind by spending some time with him tomorrow, and I hope I'm not distressed by what I see.
Sigh.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Progress?
Yesterday I received a text from Josh, basically apologizing for flipping out on me the other day. He said that his books were important to him because he's trying to improve himself and he felt that I 'didn't care'. He mentioned that both his father and I didn't see the books as that important, but he did, "but in summation, sorry I flipped out on you."
Maybe I've been through so much with the kid that I read too much in both the 'good' things I see happening and the 'worrisome' things, but him apologizing to me for his behavior? THAT hasn't happened for over a year.
Prior to Josh's suicide 'attempt' and his Bipolar diagnosis, he would occasionally get really mad at me for no really good reason and flip out like he did this past Sunday. But back then, he would ALWAYS come back to me later and apologize, once he'd calmed down.
During the last year or so he has treated me terribly, and instead of ever feeling remorse and apologizing, he would bring it up later and defend himself because *MY* actions warranted his behavior.
So his apology to me hit me as a 'glimmer of hope'.
I had called his dad to inform him of Josh's behavior at my house and asked him to keep a close eye on Josh. He said that Josh had been having sleep problems, but he would look out for the signs that would indicate a problem starting. I imagine he had a talk with Josh about the books and his behavior towards me. I imagine that talk illustrated to Josh that his behavior was inappropriate, and it heartens me that my ex can at least talk to Josh in a way that allows Josh to hear him and reassess his behavior.
He went to the doctor yesterday and she gave him a three month prescription for Adderall and told him he could call in three months for another three month refill, then after that he'd have to see her again.
He said he paid for the doctor visit (progress!) but he got his refill using our autopay (that goes on my credit card), which I had told him he could use, and that he would reimburse me when he got his next paycheck. (progress!) But I told him that I would pay for the prescription, no problem.
He asked me what he needed to do to register for his insurance, that he'd decided to get the insurance. I had told him that I would pay for it until he got on his feet, but he said he was getting it even if I didn't want to pay for it. (progress!)
Then I tried to delicately express my concern that this basic coverage he'll get at work won't cover mental health benefits. (After a year of employment, his insurance benefits increase). This was a tough thing to bring up with him, especially in text, because he is SURE he isn't Bipolar, and as expected, he took offense.
"Why would you even say that?! I don't need mental health benefits because I'm sane, or do you not think I'm sane?"
"I think you're perfectly sane honey, I just worry that as you're going through such major life changes and all the stress of being at your Dad's that you may find a need for those kind of benefits."
"It sounds like you don't think I'm sane but I can't get the subtle undertones of texting, anyway, I'll stop by tomorrow to use the computer for the insurance stuff. Love you."
And here's the thing, this new insurance may NOT cover mental health and that concerns me, BUT if I can't get Josh to see the need to be concerned about it I guess the best I can do is tell myself that IF he has further problems, well, he's going to wind up with a mountain of medical debt and maybe THAT would be an eye opener for him; that he needs to address the monster that is Bipolar, if he suffers another episode.
I can't allow myself to worry more about all this than he does when I have no ability to impact his decisions.
I have very mixed feelings about where Josh 'is' right now. On one hand I see the positives; he's working and enjoying it, he's making the necessary doctor appointments (dentist, eye, medical) and actually showing up for them, not sleeping through them, he's thinking about the future and working towards it....all good. On the other hand, I worry because his living situation at his Dad's is so full of stress for him, he HATES being there and he gets lonely alot. He never got lonely here, even though I worried he was lonely, because he was content here. He's not content there. So I worry about his mental health. When I see or talk to him he might be happy, or he might seem 'angry' or 'disenchanted'.
This Sunday he expressed to me that he sees himself working hard and still not making enough to live on and he wonders what it's all for. "You wonder why I'd want to kill myself?! I mean, what's the point? Get up everyday and work, just to come home and sleep and then do the same thing again tomorrow?!! And in all of it, not really have enough money to even get a halfway decent place of my own."
"You know Josh, I hate to say, "When I was your age", but honestly, when I was your age I was working a full time job, and to make ends meet I had a part time job...three days a week I worked from 5 AM until 8 AM in a medical x-ray department developing films. And if my car broke down, I didn't have the money to pay for the repairs, my UNCLE would let me take my car to his service guy and use his charge card and then I'd repay him a little each week. I struggled for several years, but I kept getting promotions and making more money and eventually it all got easier. Honey, MOST people begin like you are and like I did, struggling. I just want you to SEE that while it will be difficult for a while, things will continually get easier for you and you KNOW that, just like my Uncle helped me out, I'll always have your back."
But it concerns me that he's thinking in these terms of 'why bother'. One thing I'm going to do is call his father back and ask him to remove all the guns from his house....he has SEVERAL guns, mostly hunting rifles, but I don't think we need to make Josh's potential exit that easy for him.
I'm just sayin'.
Maybe I've been through so much with the kid that I read too much in both the 'good' things I see happening and the 'worrisome' things, but him apologizing to me for his behavior? THAT hasn't happened for over a year.
Prior to Josh's suicide 'attempt' and his Bipolar diagnosis, he would occasionally get really mad at me for no really good reason and flip out like he did this past Sunday. But back then, he would ALWAYS come back to me later and apologize, once he'd calmed down.
During the last year or so he has treated me terribly, and instead of ever feeling remorse and apologizing, he would bring it up later and defend himself because *MY* actions warranted his behavior.
So his apology to me hit me as a 'glimmer of hope'.
I had called his dad to inform him of Josh's behavior at my house and asked him to keep a close eye on Josh. He said that Josh had been having sleep problems, but he would look out for the signs that would indicate a problem starting. I imagine he had a talk with Josh about the books and his behavior towards me. I imagine that talk illustrated to Josh that his behavior was inappropriate, and it heartens me that my ex can at least talk to Josh in a way that allows Josh to hear him and reassess his behavior.
He went to the doctor yesterday and she gave him a three month prescription for Adderall and told him he could call in three months for another three month refill, then after that he'd have to see her again.
He said he paid for the doctor visit (progress!) but he got his refill using our autopay (that goes on my credit card), which I had told him he could use, and that he would reimburse me when he got his next paycheck. (progress!) But I told him that I would pay for the prescription, no problem.
He asked me what he needed to do to register for his insurance, that he'd decided to get the insurance. I had told him that I would pay for it until he got on his feet, but he said he was getting it even if I didn't want to pay for it. (progress!)
Then I tried to delicately express my concern that this basic coverage he'll get at work won't cover mental health benefits. (After a year of employment, his insurance benefits increase). This was a tough thing to bring up with him, especially in text, because he is SURE he isn't Bipolar, and as expected, he took offense.
"Why would you even say that?! I don't need mental health benefits because I'm sane, or do you not think I'm sane?"
"I think you're perfectly sane honey, I just worry that as you're going through such major life changes and all the stress of being at your Dad's that you may find a need for those kind of benefits."
"It sounds like you don't think I'm sane but I can't get the subtle undertones of texting, anyway, I'll stop by tomorrow to use the computer for the insurance stuff. Love you."
And here's the thing, this new insurance may NOT cover mental health and that concerns me, BUT if I can't get Josh to see the need to be concerned about it I guess the best I can do is tell myself that IF he has further problems, well, he's going to wind up with a mountain of medical debt and maybe THAT would be an eye opener for him; that he needs to address the monster that is Bipolar, if he suffers another episode.
I can't allow myself to worry more about all this than he does when I have no ability to impact his decisions.
I have very mixed feelings about where Josh 'is' right now. On one hand I see the positives; he's working and enjoying it, he's making the necessary doctor appointments (dentist, eye, medical) and actually showing up for them, not sleeping through them, he's thinking about the future and working towards it....all good. On the other hand, I worry because his living situation at his Dad's is so full of stress for him, he HATES being there and he gets lonely alot. He never got lonely here, even though I worried he was lonely, because he was content here. He's not content there. So I worry about his mental health. When I see or talk to him he might be happy, or he might seem 'angry' or 'disenchanted'.
This Sunday he expressed to me that he sees himself working hard and still not making enough to live on and he wonders what it's all for. "You wonder why I'd want to kill myself?! I mean, what's the point? Get up everyday and work, just to come home and sleep and then do the same thing again tomorrow?!! And in all of it, not really have enough money to even get a halfway decent place of my own."
"You know Josh, I hate to say, "When I was your age", but honestly, when I was your age I was working a full time job, and to make ends meet I had a part time job...three days a week I worked from 5 AM until 8 AM in a medical x-ray department developing films. And if my car broke down, I didn't have the money to pay for the repairs, my UNCLE would let me take my car to his service guy and use his charge card and then I'd repay him a little each week. I struggled for several years, but I kept getting promotions and making more money and eventually it all got easier. Honey, MOST people begin like you are and like I did, struggling. I just want you to SEE that while it will be difficult for a while, things will continually get easier for you and you KNOW that, just like my Uncle helped me out, I'll always have your back."
But it concerns me that he's thinking in these terms of 'why bother'. One thing I'm going to do is call his father back and ask him to remove all the guns from his house....he has SEVERAL guns, mostly hunting rifles, but I don't think we need to make Josh's potential exit that easy for him.
I'm just sayin'.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I Hope Like Hell I'm Wrong
Josh began working several weeks ago, and for the most part, that has been a positive experience for him. He seems to like his job, is concerned that he's doing a good job and I think the set routine has been beneficial overall.
Until this week when he called me and seemed 'out of sorts', very belligerent with me when there was no need to be and he complained that he was having trouble sleeping. It was 2 in the afternoon and he'd been up since 10 the previous night. He NEEDED to sleep before he had to be at work at 11 that night.
Anytime he's not sleeping concerns me.
I talked to him the next day and he seemed fine, and the next day he seemed fine. He planned on coming by today so I could help him with the insurance enrollment form from work. His father refuses to pay even one more month of his current insurance because he'll be 21 next month. I call foul on that because it's the ONLY thing his Dad has done for the better part of three years. He hasn't paid child support as required, or contributed his half to Josh's medical bills (which have been HUGE this past year and have left me struggling financially). I think the man could pay ONE MORE MONTH of premiums to assure Josh's insurance doesn't lapse.
But no. So I told Josh that *I* would pay one more month and then his work insurance would kick in. We looked at the cost of this new insurance and Josh doesn't feel like he can afford it, even though it's half as much as his current policy. And he's right, he really can't afford it if he wants to get a place of his own. He makes very little money and with his current income it will be difficult to cover the basics, even with a shit apartment.
So I told him that I wanted him to enroll and that *I* would pay it. For one year. So that he can get himself squared away. I do NOT want him to go without insurance just in case there is another bipolar incident.
Which I'm pretty sure we're headed into after today.
When Josh got here today we sat and talked for two hours. Very pleasant conversation, he had a bite to eat, etc. I was a little worried about comments he made about his Dad, how unreasonable and stupid he is, how mad he gets at his Dad, how he doesn't like the way his Dad talks to him, his general demeanor.
Now these attitudes are exactly the same things I experienced with Josh right before he had his manic episode. So that worried me.
Then things got worse. He wanted to take some of his books with him because he's been doing a lot of reading lately due to the fact there's nothing else to do at his Dad's house. I told him I'd take him over to the storage unit. However, since I was last in the storage unit someone else had moved a mess of stuff in there and it was almost impossible to even get INTO the thing.
But that didn't stop Josh, he climbed over everything, like he was scaling a mountain; determined to examine every box in the place until he found his books.
He didn't find his books though. I KNOW they're in there, but have no idea exactly where they are, but he's sure I threw them away and he was quite animated and disrespectful as he delivered his hypothesis.
"You had NO right to take things out of my room! You should have left everything right where it was!"
"Josh, I told you when you left to get everything out of your room you needed in the immediate future because I was going to pack everything up. I didn't throw anything away. They're here and you're just going to have to wait till the weather breaks and I have time to get here and get things organized.
"I'm not waiting, I'll tear this place apart till I find them."
"No you won't, I'm ready to go back home, so come on."
"You're not going anywhere! I drove so you'll stay here until *I'M* ready to go!"
He climbed around some more, walking with wet/salty shoes on the top of my desk and my entertainment center; crushing boxes, throwing things here and there.
And I stood by and waited.
When we got home, he went back into his room and tossed things around in there, then he went into the garage and began going through boxes out there (which are not MINE so I know they don't contain his books.)
"Josh, your books aren't out here and you don't have my permission to go through these boxes."
"I don't NEED your permission!"
"OK Josh, you need to leave now."
"Fuck that!"
"You need to leave now or I'll have the police ask you to leave, you decide."
So he slammed out the door, came back in three times for I don't know what, slamming the door each time.
So I locked the door and he left.
And then I called his dad and updated him and asked him to keep a close eye on Josh.
Sigh.
The only good thing in all of this is that Josh has an appointment with his doctor Tuesday. He wants to get back on his Adderall because he feels it helps him. And THAT might help with the sleep situation?
Other than that, there's not much good news here today :(
Until this week when he called me and seemed 'out of sorts', very belligerent with me when there was no need to be and he complained that he was having trouble sleeping. It was 2 in the afternoon and he'd been up since 10 the previous night. He NEEDED to sleep before he had to be at work at 11 that night.
Anytime he's not sleeping concerns me.
I talked to him the next day and he seemed fine, and the next day he seemed fine. He planned on coming by today so I could help him with the insurance enrollment form from work. His father refuses to pay even one more month of his current insurance because he'll be 21 next month. I call foul on that because it's the ONLY thing his Dad has done for the better part of three years. He hasn't paid child support as required, or contributed his half to Josh's medical bills (which have been HUGE this past year and have left me struggling financially). I think the man could pay ONE MORE MONTH of premiums to assure Josh's insurance doesn't lapse.
But no. So I told Josh that *I* would pay one more month and then his work insurance would kick in. We looked at the cost of this new insurance and Josh doesn't feel like he can afford it, even though it's half as much as his current policy. And he's right, he really can't afford it if he wants to get a place of his own. He makes very little money and with his current income it will be difficult to cover the basics, even with a shit apartment.
So I told him that I wanted him to enroll and that *I* would pay it. For one year. So that he can get himself squared away. I do NOT want him to go without insurance just in case there is another bipolar incident.
Which I'm pretty sure we're headed into after today.
When Josh got here today we sat and talked for two hours. Very pleasant conversation, he had a bite to eat, etc. I was a little worried about comments he made about his Dad, how unreasonable and stupid he is, how mad he gets at his Dad, how he doesn't like the way his Dad talks to him, his general demeanor.
Now these attitudes are exactly the same things I experienced with Josh right before he had his manic episode. So that worried me.
Then things got worse. He wanted to take some of his books with him because he's been doing a lot of reading lately due to the fact there's nothing else to do at his Dad's house. I told him I'd take him over to the storage unit. However, since I was last in the storage unit someone else had moved a mess of stuff in there and it was almost impossible to even get INTO the thing.
But that didn't stop Josh, he climbed over everything, like he was scaling a mountain; determined to examine every box in the place until he found his books.
He didn't find his books though. I KNOW they're in there, but have no idea exactly where they are, but he's sure I threw them away and he was quite animated and disrespectful as he delivered his hypothesis.
"You had NO right to take things out of my room! You should have left everything right where it was!"
"Josh, I told you when you left to get everything out of your room you needed in the immediate future because I was going to pack everything up. I didn't throw anything away. They're here and you're just going to have to wait till the weather breaks and I have time to get here and get things organized.
"I'm not waiting, I'll tear this place apart till I find them."
"No you won't, I'm ready to go back home, so come on."
"You're not going anywhere! I drove so you'll stay here until *I'M* ready to go!"
He climbed around some more, walking with wet/salty shoes on the top of my desk and my entertainment center; crushing boxes, throwing things here and there.
And I stood by and waited.
When we got home, he went back into his room and tossed things around in there, then he went into the garage and began going through boxes out there (which are not MINE so I know they don't contain his books.)
"Josh, your books aren't out here and you don't have my permission to go through these boxes."
"I don't NEED your permission!"
"OK Josh, you need to leave now."
"Fuck that!"
"You need to leave now or I'll have the police ask you to leave, you decide."
So he slammed out the door, came back in three times for I don't know what, slamming the door each time.
So I locked the door and he left.
And then I called his dad and updated him and asked him to keep a close eye on Josh.
Sigh.
The only good thing in all of this is that Josh has an appointment with his doctor Tuesday. He wants to get back on his Adderall because he feels it helps him. And THAT might help with the sleep situation?
Other than that, there's not much good news here today :(
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