Progress?

Yesterday I received a text from Josh, basically apologizing for flipping out on me the other day. He said that his books were important to him because he's trying to improve himself and he felt that I 'didn't care'. He mentioned that both his father and I didn't see the books as that important, but he did, "but in summation, sorry I flipped out on you."

Maybe I've been through so much with the kid that I read too much in both the 'good' things I see happening and the 'worrisome' things, but him apologizing to me for his behavior? THAT hasn't happened for over a year.

Prior to Josh's suicide 'attempt' and his Bipolar diagnosis, he would occasionally get really mad at me for no really good reason and flip out like he did this past Sunday. But back then, he would ALWAYS come back to me later and apologize, once he'd calmed down.

During the last year or so he has treated me terribly, and instead of ever feeling remorse and apologizing, he would bring it up later and defend himself because *MY* actions warranted his behavior.

So his apology to me hit me as a 'glimmer of hope'.

I had called his dad to inform him of Josh's behavior at my house and asked him to keep a close eye on Josh. He said that Josh had been having sleep problems, but he would look out for the signs that would indicate a problem starting. I imagine he had a talk with Josh about the books and his behavior towards me. I imagine that talk illustrated to Josh that his behavior was inappropriate, and it heartens me that my ex can at least talk to Josh in a way that allows Josh to hear him and reassess his behavior.

He went to the doctor yesterday and she gave him a three month prescription for Adderall and told him he could call in three months for another three month refill, then after that he'd have to see her again.

He said he paid for the doctor visit (progress!) but he got his refill using our autopay (that goes on my credit card), which I had told him he could use, and that he would reimburse me when he got his next paycheck. (progress!) But I told him that I would pay for the prescription, no problem.

He asked me what he needed to do to register for his insurance, that he'd decided to get the insurance. I had told him that I would pay for it until he got on his feet, but he said he was getting it even if I didn't want to pay for it. (progress!)

Then I tried to delicately express my concern that this basic coverage he'll get at work won't cover mental health benefits. (After a year of employment, his insurance benefits increase). This was a tough thing to bring up with him, especially in text, because he is SURE he isn't Bipolar, and as expected, he took offense.

"Why would you even say that?! I don't need mental health benefits because I'm sane, or do you not think I'm sane?"

"I think you're perfectly sane honey, I just worry that as you're going through such major life changes and all the stress of being at your Dad's that you may find a need for those kind of benefits."

"It sounds like you don't think I'm sane but I can't get the subtle undertones of texting, anyway, I'll stop by tomorrow to use the computer for the insurance stuff. Love you."

And here's the thing, this new insurance may NOT cover mental health and that concerns me, BUT if I can't get Josh to see the need to be concerned about it I guess the best I can do is tell myself that IF he has further problems, well, he's going to wind up with a mountain of medical debt and maybe THAT would be an eye opener for him; that he needs to address the monster that is Bipolar, if he suffers another episode.

I can't allow myself to worry more about all this than he does when I have no ability to impact his decisions.

I have very mixed feelings about where Josh 'is' right now. On one hand I see the positives; he's working and enjoying it, he's making the necessary doctor appointments (dentist, eye, medical) and actually showing up for them, not sleeping through them, he's thinking about the future and working towards it....all good. On the other hand, I worry because his living situation at his Dad's is so full of stress for him, he HATES being there and he gets lonely alot. He never got lonely here, even though I worried he was lonely, because he was content here. He's not content there. So I worry about his mental health. When I see or talk to him he might be happy, or he might seem 'angry' or 'disenchanted'.

This Sunday he expressed to me that he sees himself working hard and still not making enough to live on and he wonders what it's all for. "You wonder why I'd want to kill myself?! I mean, what's the point? Get up everyday and work, just to come home and sleep and then do the same thing again tomorrow?!! And in all of it, not really have enough money to even get a halfway decent place of my own."

"You know Josh, I hate to say, "When I was your age", but honestly, when I was your age I was working a full time job, and to make ends meet I had a part time job...three days a week I worked from 5 AM until 8 AM in a medical x-ray department developing films. And if my car broke down, I didn't have the money to pay for the repairs, my UNCLE would let me take my car to his service guy and use his charge card and then I'd repay him a little each week. I struggled for several years, but I kept getting promotions and making more money and eventually it all got easier. Honey, MOST people begin like you are and like I did, struggling. I just want you to SEE that while it will be difficult for a while, things will continually get easier for you and you KNOW that, just like my Uncle helped me out, I'll always have your back."

But it concerns me that he's thinking in these terms of 'why bother'. One thing I'm going to do is call his father back and ask him to remove all the guns from his house....he has SEVERAL guns, mostly hunting rifles, but I don't think we need to make Josh's potential exit that easy for him.

I'm just sayin'.