Josh began working several weeks ago, and for the most part, that has been a positive experience for him. He seems to like his job, is concerned that he's doing a good job and I think the set routine has been beneficial overall.
Until this week when he called me and seemed 'out of sorts', very belligerent with me when there was no need to be and he complained that he was having trouble sleeping. It was 2 in the afternoon and he'd been up since 10 the previous night. He NEEDED to sleep before he had to be at work at 11 that night.
Anytime he's not sleeping concerns me.
I talked to him the next day and he seemed fine, and the next day he seemed fine. He planned on coming by today so I could help him with the insurance enrollment form from work. His father refuses to pay even one more month of his current insurance because he'll be 21 next month. I call foul on that because it's the ONLY thing his Dad has done for the better part of three years. He hasn't paid child support as required, or contributed his half to Josh's medical bills (which have been HUGE this past year and have left me struggling financially). I think the man could pay ONE MORE MONTH of premiums to assure Josh's insurance doesn't lapse.
But no. So I told Josh that *I* would pay one more month and then his work insurance would kick in. We looked at the cost of this new insurance and Josh doesn't feel like he can afford it, even though it's half as much as his current policy. And he's right, he really can't afford it if he wants to get a place of his own. He makes very little money and with his current income it will be difficult to cover the basics, even with a shit apartment.
So I told him that I wanted him to enroll and that *I* would pay it. For one year. So that he can get himself squared away. I do NOT want him to go without insurance just in case there is another bipolar incident.
Which I'm pretty sure we're headed into after today.
When Josh got here today we sat and talked for two hours. Very pleasant conversation, he had a bite to eat, etc. I was a little worried about comments he made about his Dad, how unreasonable and stupid he is, how mad he gets at his Dad, how he doesn't like the way his Dad talks to him, his general demeanor.
Now these attitudes are exactly the same things I experienced with Josh right before he had his manic episode. So that worried me.
Then things got worse. He wanted to take some of his books with him because he's been doing a lot of reading lately due to the fact there's nothing else to do at his Dad's house. I told him I'd take him over to the storage unit. However, since I was last in the storage unit someone else had moved a mess of stuff in there and it was almost impossible to even get INTO the thing.
But that didn't stop Josh, he climbed over everything, like he was scaling a mountain; determined to examine every box in the place until he found his books.
He didn't find his books though. I KNOW they're in there, but have no idea exactly where they are, but he's sure I threw them away and he was quite animated and disrespectful as he delivered his hypothesis.
"You had NO right to take things out of my room! You should have left everything right where it was!"
"Josh, I told you when you left to get everything out of your room you needed in the immediate future because I was going to pack everything up. I didn't throw anything away. They're here and you're just going to have to wait till the weather breaks and I have time to get here and get things organized.
"I'm not waiting, I'll tear this place apart till I find them."
"No you won't, I'm ready to go back home, so come on."
"You're not going anywhere! I drove so you'll stay here until *I'M* ready to go!"
He climbed around some more, walking with wet/salty shoes on the top of my desk and my entertainment center; crushing boxes, throwing things here and there.
And I stood by and waited.
When we got home, he went back into his room and tossed things around in there, then he went into the garage and began going through boxes out there (which are not MINE so I know they don't contain his books.)
"Josh, your books aren't out here and you don't have my permission to go through these boxes."
"I don't NEED your permission!"
"OK Josh, you need to leave now."
"Fuck that!"
"You need to leave now or I'll have the police ask you to leave, you decide."
So he slammed out the door, came back in three times for I don't know what, slamming the door each time.
So I locked the door and he left.
And then I called his dad and updated him and asked him to keep a close eye on Josh.
Sigh.
The only good thing in all of this is that Josh has an appointment with his doctor Tuesday. He wants to get back on his Adderall because he feels it helps him. And THAT might help with the sleep situation?
Other than that, there's not much good news here today :(
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Did YOU Feel the Earth Move?
Josh has gotten a job. Almost TWO months after I asked him to leave my home, he has a job.
He will be working the third shift (his preferred schedule), which is midnight to 8 AM, stocking shelves in the grocery aisle of one of those large discount stores.
He will be making very little an hour, but working full time. Still, it's not going to be enough to pay for an apartment and meet his obligations to me for his car and car insurance, but I guess we're talking baby steps here.
At least it's a step in the right direction.
He has been mostly wonderful with me when we see or talk to each other. He still tries to make me feel bad or accuse me of this or that, but I don't let him get away with that.
He REALLY hates it at his Dad's house, but knows he needs to stay there several more months before he tries to get his own place.
Josh's general mood is good although he says his Dad's is the most depressing place he's ever been. In spite of that, he doesn't 'seem' depressed.
Fingers crossed that he keeps making forward movement.
He will be working the third shift (his preferred schedule), which is midnight to 8 AM, stocking shelves in the grocery aisle of one of those large discount stores.
He will be making very little an hour, but working full time. Still, it's not going to be enough to pay for an apartment and meet his obligations to me for his car and car insurance, but I guess we're talking baby steps here.
At least it's a step in the right direction.
He has been mostly wonderful with me when we see or talk to each other. He still tries to make me feel bad or accuse me of this or that, but I don't let him get away with that.
He REALLY hates it at his Dad's house, but knows he needs to stay there several more months before he tries to get his own place.
Josh's general mood is good although he says his Dad's is the most depressing place he's ever been. In spite of that, he doesn't 'seem' depressed.
Fingers crossed that he keeps making forward movement.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
No Chirstmas Miracles Here
Josh is doing 'ok'. He's at his father's, and apparently doing quite a bit of self medicating with pot. Unfortunately, his father partakes as well.
He stops by every now and then to pick something up. Last week when he came by I asked if he'd like to go out to eat with me.
We had a very pleasant time together and there were moments when the conversation turned to 'heavier' things.
We were talking about pot, about how surprised he is by the number of people my age who smoke pot.
"Well, some people never outgrow it I guess, but me? I guess I'm high on life, I don't need pot."
"Well, you've got a pretty nice life."
"Yep, but Josh, no one handed it to me. I worked hard for everything I have."
He said that he doesn't really want what I have. He has his sights set a bit lower, a small apartment, food, maybe internet access.
Let's hope his desire for those simple things drives him to ACT.
Last night when he stopped by he said he hasn't begun looking for a job yet.
So maybe he's not all that driven yet?
Last night he seemed a bit down, I think his mood was mostly driven by frustration. Life is very frustrating for him right now. He doesn't LIKE living at his dad's, mostly because of his step mom, and his days must seem endless now that school is out and he's stuck in a house with no cable or internet.
Which would spur me to get the heck out of there and get a job, but then, he's not me.
He will be coming here Christmas morning for our traditional Christmas breakfast and he asked what we were doing in the evening. I told him we were deep frying a turkey and he was more than welcome to join us. Not sure if he'll do that or not, but I hope he does.
When we're together, he occasionally tries to play the victim card with me, or he gets accusatory, but I quickly set him straight.
Personal responsibility and all that, don't ya know.
While I'd love to see a Christmas miracle at work where Josh is concerned, I think it's too soon for him to have a real epiphany, but maybe someday soon?
He stops by every now and then to pick something up. Last week when he came by I asked if he'd like to go out to eat with me.
We had a very pleasant time together and there were moments when the conversation turned to 'heavier' things.
We were talking about pot, about how surprised he is by the number of people my age who smoke pot.
"Well, some people never outgrow it I guess, but me? I guess I'm high on life, I don't need pot."
"Well, you've got a pretty nice life."
"Yep, but Josh, no one handed it to me. I worked hard for everything I have."
He said that he doesn't really want what I have. He has his sights set a bit lower, a small apartment, food, maybe internet access.
Let's hope his desire for those simple things drives him to ACT.
Last night when he stopped by he said he hasn't begun looking for a job yet.
So maybe he's not all that driven yet?
Last night he seemed a bit down, I think his mood was mostly driven by frustration. Life is very frustrating for him right now. He doesn't LIKE living at his dad's, mostly because of his step mom, and his days must seem endless now that school is out and he's stuck in a house with no cable or internet.
Which would spur me to get the heck out of there and get a job, but then, he's not me.
He will be coming here Christmas morning for our traditional Christmas breakfast and he asked what we were doing in the evening. I told him we were deep frying a turkey and he was more than welcome to join us. Not sure if he'll do that or not, but I hope he does.
When we're together, he occasionally tries to play the victim card with me, or he gets accusatory, but I quickly set him straight.
Personal responsibility and all that, don't ya know.
While I'd love to see a Christmas miracle at work where Josh is concerned, I think it's too soon for him to have a real epiphany, but maybe someday soon?
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Serenity
There have been many times in my life when The Serenity Prayer has been my mantra.
Once again, I find myself repeating it to myself silently.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
With Josh, I've had to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change the fact that he refuses to seek treatment for his Bipolar.
From where I sit, the solution to almost ALL of Josh's problems lie in finding the correct medication for him. And I'm convinced that his condition is mild enough that the dosage would likely be very small.
He is NOT the person he was a year ago. While he had become increasingly difficult to manage during the last two or three years, he WAS functioning well in general, with his schoolwork and extracurricular activities. He was happy much more often than he was difficult. The person I sent packing is not functioning well in any area of his life, and that makes me so sad, because I know it doesn't have to be that way.
I found the courage to change the things I can, and it takes a lot of courage (and just the right amount of total, utter frustration) to send the son you love packing, but that's where "the wisdom to know the difference" comes in.
Eventually the wisest course of action was to allow Josh to struggle against himself, and he is struggling.
It is heartbreaking to me when he comes over and I see the longing in his eyes, the longing to return to what is "normal" for him. But "normal" isn't going to move him forward and I pray that Rootie is right, that someday he will be able to see that by setting him free, I was giving him legs to walk into a better place.
But I think the most difficult aspect of all of this is that there are some amazingly wonderful changes going on in my life right now, and I would have loved for Josh to have been a part of them, to have benefited from them. Unfortunately, his perspective is that I've made him leave BECAUSE of these changes, and that simply isn't the case, but he's probably always going to look at this time as a time when I selfishly kicked him out so I could have the life *I* wanted. The truth though, is that I truly felt the changes in my life could move him forward.
I pray every night that God will walk with Josh and guide him; that he will lead him to a better place, and I keep asking for courage and wisdom and help with acceptance for myself, because I know that what has always carried me through difficult times is finding Serenity.
Once again, I find myself repeating it to myself silently.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
With Josh, I've had to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change the fact that he refuses to seek treatment for his Bipolar.
From where I sit, the solution to almost ALL of Josh's problems lie in finding the correct medication for him. And I'm convinced that his condition is mild enough that the dosage would likely be very small.
He is NOT the person he was a year ago. While he had become increasingly difficult to manage during the last two or three years, he WAS functioning well in general, with his schoolwork and extracurricular activities. He was happy much more often than he was difficult. The person I sent packing is not functioning well in any area of his life, and that makes me so sad, because I know it doesn't have to be that way.
I found the courage to change the things I can, and it takes a lot of courage (and just the right amount of total, utter frustration) to send the son you love packing, but that's where "the wisdom to know the difference" comes in.
Eventually the wisest course of action was to allow Josh to struggle against himself, and he is struggling.
It is heartbreaking to me when he comes over and I see the longing in his eyes, the longing to return to what is "normal" for him. But "normal" isn't going to move him forward and I pray that Rootie is right, that someday he will be able to see that by setting him free, I was giving him legs to walk into a better place.
But I think the most difficult aspect of all of this is that there are some amazingly wonderful changes going on in my life right now, and I would have loved for Josh to have been a part of them, to have benefited from them. Unfortunately, his perspective is that I've made him leave BECAUSE of these changes, and that simply isn't the case, but he's probably always going to look at this time as a time when I selfishly kicked him out so I could have the life *I* wanted. The truth though, is that I truly felt the changes in my life could move him forward.
I pray every night that God will walk with Josh and guide him; that he will lead him to a better place, and I keep asking for courage and wisdom and help with acceptance for myself, because I know that what has always carried me through difficult times is finding Serenity.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
A LONG Time Coming
I don't intend to go into all the gory details here, I'll save that for my private blog, but Josh moved out tonight.
Since he failed to do his weekly housecleaning last week, I'd told him he would be moving out at the beginning of the year. He has been about as difficult and disrespectful as he could possibly be as a result.
He was sullen and snide on Thanksgiving. He's been shitty and pissy every single day. Last night I told him that if his attitude didn't improve 100%, he'd wouldn't make it in my house till the end of the year.
And then this morning I opened the refrigerator and noticed that the remainder of the beer I'd bought for Thanksgiving was gone.
He was asleep at the time (6 am) and when he woke up at (5 pm) I asked him if he'd drank the beer and he said he had.
"We've talked about this before Josh, you KNOW that is not allowed."
"What do you expect, under the circumstances?"
"Are you telling me that you don't intend to follow the rules?"
"Why should I? What's in it for me?"
We argued and I finally told him to go pack the things he'd need right away and leave tonight.
"I'll pack up the rest of your stuff and move it into storage until you need it, and you need to understand something Josh, this isn't the way *I* want it to be, I love you, but I refuse to continue to provide for all of your needs when what I receive in return is disrespect. I'm changing the garage code and the locks, you're not getting back in this house unless I'm home."
At one point, as I was standing halfway inside his bedroom door he started yelling at me to get out of his room, and as I was trying to talk to him, he repeatedly kicked his door, which bashed into my hip, as he yelled, "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!"
I reminded him that it isn't *his* room, it's a room in *MY* house that I've allowed him to use and that he's no longer welcome to use it.
I called his father and told him the situation and he said he'd call Josh and tell him to come and stay there. Josh wouldn't answer his father's calls though.
As Josh packed, he became nicer than he's been the last few weeks and when he was ready to go I hugged him. At first he balked, but then he put his arms around me and gave me a hug.
"I love you honey, and I get that you don't believe that now, but I think it's time for you to learn what it means to be a grown man. I think you need to talk to you dad and consider staying there for the short term, just a month or two so you can regroup and decide how you want the rest of your life to play out."
"That's not gonna happen, I'm not living in that hellhole."
"Well, your options are somewhat limited, but I know you'll figure out what to do."
And he left.
His father called me about an hour later and said Josh had finally answered his call and said he was chillin' with a friend, but agreed to go to his Dad's when he was done. My ex called back a little later and said that Josh was there.
I've cried off and on since he left, but I feel better that he's at his Dad's and I've spent the hours since he left walking around my house realizing that my home is finally child free.
For the first time in 26 years.
It's a strange feeling.
What happened tonight is what needed to happen, because I think Josh's older brother has been right all along; that Josh is NEVER going to get it while living coddled under my roof.
When I called my older son and told him that I sent his brother on his way, he said, "It's about fucking time. Congratulations!"
This would be MUCH harder to take were Josh out there in the unknown, but I know where he is and in spite of the fact that his father has dropped the ball badly as the boys were being raised, he related to both of our boys better once they reached their teens. He stands a much better chance of getting Josh to see the light than I do and I hope he's able to get the kid on the right path.
My only fear at this point is that the stress that Josh is under will send him one way or other on the Bipolar pole.
Oh, did I mention that he gave two weeks notice at his job last night and then slept through his shift today? When he woke up tonight, he called them and told them he wouldn't be back.
So jobless and homeless in one fell swoop, only he's not really homeless, he's just in a much more unappealing home.
Since he failed to do his weekly housecleaning last week, I'd told him he would be moving out at the beginning of the year. He has been about as difficult and disrespectful as he could possibly be as a result.
He was sullen and snide on Thanksgiving. He's been shitty and pissy every single day. Last night I told him that if his attitude didn't improve 100%, he'd wouldn't make it in my house till the end of the year.
And then this morning I opened the refrigerator and noticed that the remainder of the beer I'd bought for Thanksgiving was gone.
He was asleep at the time (6 am) and when he woke up at (5 pm) I asked him if he'd drank the beer and he said he had.
"We've talked about this before Josh, you KNOW that is not allowed."
"What do you expect, under the circumstances?"
"Are you telling me that you don't intend to follow the rules?"
"Why should I? What's in it for me?"
We argued and I finally told him to go pack the things he'd need right away and leave tonight.
"I'll pack up the rest of your stuff and move it into storage until you need it, and you need to understand something Josh, this isn't the way *I* want it to be, I love you, but I refuse to continue to provide for all of your needs when what I receive in return is disrespect. I'm changing the garage code and the locks, you're not getting back in this house unless I'm home."
At one point, as I was standing halfway inside his bedroom door he started yelling at me to get out of his room, and as I was trying to talk to him, he repeatedly kicked his door, which bashed into my hip, as he yelled, "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!"
I reminded him that it isn't *his* room, it's a room in *MY* house that I've allowed him to use and that he's no longer welcome to use it.
I called his father and told him the situation and he said he'd call Josh and tell him to come and stay there. Josh wouldn't answer his father's calls though.
As Josh packed, he became nicer than he's been the last few weeks and when he was ready to go I hugged him. At first he balked, but then he put his arms around me and gave me a hug.
"I love you honey, and I get that you don't believe that now, but I think it's time for you to learn what it means to be a grown man. I think you need to talk to you dad and consider staying there for the short term, just a month or two so you can regroup and decide how you want the rest of your life to play out."
"That's not gonna happen, I'm not living in that hellhole."
"Well, your options are somewhat limited, but I know you'll figure out what to do."
And he left.
His father called me about an hour later and said Josh had finally answered his call and said he was chillin' with a friend, but agreed to go to his Dad's when he was done. My ex called back a little later and said that Josh was there.
I've cried off and on since he left, but I feel better that he's at his Dad's and I've spent the hours since he left walking around my house realizing that my home is finally child free.
For the first time in 26 years.
It's a strange feeling.
What happened tonight is what needed to happen, because I think Josh's older brother has been right all along; that Josh is NEVER going to get it while living coddled under my roof.
When I called my older son and told him that I sent his brother on his way, he said, "It's about fucking time. Congratulations!"
This would be MUCH harder to take were Josh out there in the unknown, but I know where he is and in spite of the fact that his father has dropped the ball badly as the boys were being raised, he related to both of our boys better once they reached their teens. He stands a much better chance of getting Josh to see the light than I do and I hope he's able to get the kid on the right path.
My only fear at this point is that the stress that Josh is under will send him one way or other on the Bipolar pole.
Oh, did I mention that he gave two weeks notice at his job last night and then slept through his shift today? When he woke up tonight, he called them and told them he wouldn't be back.
So jobless and homeless in one fell swoop, only he's not really homeless, he's just in a much more unappealing home.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
As The Stomach Churns
Well, I drew that line in the sand for Josh, and my therapist advised me that it was an appropriate line to draw and that I must be prepared to follow through if needed.
It's needed.
Josh failed to clean the house this weekend, which means he crossed the line in the sand.
Monday I said to him, "Well, it looks like you've CHOSEN to not live here next year since you didn't clean the house this weekend."
"Whatever."
He gave me a bunch of excuses, like he had to work all weekend, to which I replied, "You worked all of 8 hours the entire weekend, mostly what you did is play online poker."
He wanted to argue, but I just walked away.
But can I tell you how hard it is to envision how this young man is going to be prepared to go it alone, and I don't have the available funds to help him. Furniture, household goods, etc, I can help with, but I have no money to assist him, not to mention assisting him financially is the opposite of what this is about anyway.
I'm sure he thinks I'm not serious, I've certainly given him reasons in the past to assume I'm not serious. When I've tried to discuss this with him since our initial discussion, he just says he doesn't know what he's gonna do and drops it.
He intends to take classes next semester, but I don't know how he plans on paying the fees above what his grant will cover.
He's in la la land!
Any advice?
It's needed.
Josh failed to clean the house this weekend, which means he crossed the line in the sand.
Monday I said to him, "Well, it looks like you've CHOSEN to not live here next year since you didn't clean the house this weekend."
"Whatever."
He gave me a bunch of excuses, like he had to work all weekend, to which I replied, "You worked all of 8 hours the entire weekend, mostly what you did is play online poker."
He wanted to argue, but I just walked away.
But can I tell you how hard it is to envision how this young man is going to be prepared to go it alone, and I don't have the available funds to help him. Furniture, household goods, etc, I can help with, but I have no money to assist him, not to mention assisting him financially is the opposite of what this is about anyway.
I'm sure he thinks I'm not serious, I've certainly given him reasons in the past to assume I'm not serious. When I've tried to discuss this with him since our initial discussion, he just says he doesn't know what he's gonna do and drops it.
He intends to take classes next semester, but I don't know how he plans on paying the fees above what his grant will cover.
He's in la la land!
Any advice?
Saturday, November 13, 2010
No News is Good News?
Schmadrian asked in a comment on my last post for an update and wondered if "no news is good news."
Actually, no news simply means not much movement is taking place in either direction.
Josh is doing better with his school responsibilities. He currently has an 'A' in one class, a high 'B' in another class, but is struggling still to get his final grade up from a low 'C'.
The adderall does seem to have helped him with his ability to focus and, for the most part, he's been better at time management with his school work.
He's still not doing so well with his household responsibilities and his lack of respect for me continues to be problematic.
I had a need to see our Nurse Practitioner this past week and when we were finished discussing my medical issues, she asked how Josh was doing.
I explained that the adderall seemed to help, but he had failed to put in place any of her other suggestions; a daily multivitamin and additional supplements, better eating habits and exercise.
And I started crying as I explained to her that what was hardest for me was remembering Josh as he's always been, very social, always out and about, and contrasting it to this young man who is content (and he DOES seem to be content) alone in his room much of the time, seeing his friends here and there.
We talked long enough that her Nurse finally tapped on the door to remind her that she had other patients waiting. She hugged me and asked if I were getting help for ME in coping with this.
"Well, I have a therapist and she and I HAVE discussed Josh on occasion."
"I think you need to make an appointment to see her. This is all very hard and you need some support and professional advice."
Prior to seeing my therapist though, I had a talk with Josh. He had, once again, failed to clean the house as agreed upon.
I basically told him that he had until the end of this current semester to 'show me' that he would like to continue living here. I told him that I'm not going to mention the housework again, but if he misses a week between now and the end of the year, he will be looking for other living arrangements when 2011 rolls around. And I told him that his lack of respect would not be tolerated.
"I deserve to live in a calm, peaceful environment. You are a GUEST in this house, and like many house guests, your welcome is wearing very thin."
When I met with my therapist, she encouraged me to call him on his disrespect EVERY single time it happens, but to also find opportunities each day to give him some positive affirmations.
"Tell him, "I really like the way you ________" and make a habit of catching him doing things well. It's not enough to read one of his papers and comment that it is good, point out to him an area of the paper where you think he really nailed it. Things like that will give him much needed confidence in himself, and it interjects 'good' feelings between you so that it doesn't all look like negativity regarding his behavior."
She also told me that I have to be fully prepared to set him on his way, but to be very careful of the wording I use. "You aren't 'kicking him out', he has CHOSEN, through his own behavior, to move on."
We talked about my fears, were he to leave my home, and my greatest fear is that he has isolated himself so much, and to go off and live alone would find him in complete isolation. That could lead to a slide into depression.
"Well, he is a young man who should only move out into a roommate situation. Not only will he not be in isolation, but he will then continue to learn HOW to live with someone else."
But finding a roommate situation for Josh won't be easy, he has no friends who are able to share an apartment with him.
My therapist's final advice to me was to try to get Josh to begin seeing her so he could learn anger management skills and better life skills, but also work through his anger and hurt regarding his father and me.
Josh completely shut down a discussion on the subject though.
When I tried to discuss his work situation he told me, and he's really right, that he has an obligation to pay me $100 a month for his car and $100 a month for his auto insurance, and as long as he is meeting those obligations to ME, his work and money situation is none of my business.
I agreed with him, but pointed out that he needs to keep in mind that his car could break tomorrow, or some other calamity could befall him and HE needs to be prepared for that because as an adult it is HIS responsibility to address life's little problems, not to look to me for money.
He has decided to meet with the counselor at school and change his major. His senior year of High School he was set on studying secondary education with a desire to be a High School Literature teacher. He's going to find out what curriculum he needs to follow for a secondary education degree.
I've never cared WHAT he does, but I think some focus would be good for him and honestly, he would be an amazing English teacher.
I told him when we talked, and I've told him this all along, that as long as he is functioning well, living in harmony with me and living up to his responsibilities, he can live here until he's out of school, but it's really all up to him.
He's gonna have to start walkin the walk.
Actually, no news simply means not much movement is taking place in either direction.
Josh is doing better with his school responsibilities. He currently has an 'A' in one class, a high 'B' in another class, but is struggling still to get his final grade up from a low 'C'.
The adderall does seem to have helped him with his ability to focus and, for the most part, he's been better at time management with his school work.
He's still not doing so well with his household responsibilities and his lack of respect for me continues to be problematic.
I had a need to see our Nurse Practitioner this past week and when we were finished discussing my medical issues, she asked how Josh was doing.
I explained that the adderall seemed to help, but he had failed to put in place any of her other suggestions; a daily multivitamin and additional supplements, better eating habits and exercise.
And I started crying as I explained to her that what was hardest for me was remembering Josh as he's always been, very social, always out and about, and contrasting it to this young man who is content (and he DOES seem to be content) alone in his room much of the time, seeing his friends here and there.
We talked long enough that her Nurse finally tapped on the door to remind her that she had other patients waiting. She hugged me and asked if I were getting help for ME in coping with this.
"Well, I have a therapist and she and I HAVE discussed Josh on occasion."
"I think you need to make an appointment to see her. This is all very hard and you need some support and professional advice."
Prior to seeing my therapist though, I had a talk with Josh. He had, once again, failed to clean the house as agreed upon.
I basically told him that he had until the end of this current semester to 'show me' that he would like to continue living here. I told him that I'm not going to mention the housework again, but if he misses a week between now and the end of the year, he will be looking for other living arrangements when 2011 rolls around. And I told him that his lack of respect would not be tolerated.
"I deserve to live in a calm, peaceful environment. You are a GUEST in this house, and like many house guests, your welcome is wearing very thin."
When I met with my therapist, she encouraged me to call him on his disrespect EVERY single time it happens, but to also find opportunities each day to give him some positive affirmations.
"Tell him, "I really like the way you ________" and make a habit of catching him doing things well. It's not enough to read one of his papers and comment that it is good, point out to him an area of the paper where you think he really nailed it. Things like that will give him much needed confidence in himself, and it interjects 'good' feelings between you so that it doesn't all look like negativity regarding his behavior."
She also told me that I have to be fully prepared to set him on his way, but to be very careful of the wording I use. "You aren't 'kicking him out', he has CHOSEN, through his own behavior, to move on."
We talked about my fears, were he to leave my home, and my greatest fear is that he has isolated himself so much, and to go off and live alone would find him in complete isolation. That could lead to a slide into depression.
"Well, he is a young man who should only move out into a roommate situation. Not only will he not be in isolation, but he will then continue to learn HOW to live with someone else."
But finding a roommate situation for Josh won't be easy, he has no friends who are able to share an apartment with him.
My therapist's final advice to me was to try to get Josh to begin seeing her so he could learn anger management skills and better life skills, but also work through his anger and hurt regarding his father and me.
Josh completely shut down a discussion on the subject though.
When I tried to discuss his work situation he told me, and he's really right, that he has an obligation to pay me $100 a month for his car and $100 a month for his auto insurance, and as long as he is meeting those obligations to ME, his work and money situation is none of my business.
I agreed with him, but pointed out that he needs to keep in mind that his car could break tomorrow, or some other calamity could befall him and HE needs to be prepared for that because as an adult it is HIS responsibility to address life's little problems, not to look to me for money.
He has decided to meet with the counselor at school and change his major. His senior year of High School he was set on studying secondary education with a desire to be a High School Literature teacher. He's going to find out what curriculum he needs to follow for a secondary education degree.
I've never cared WHAT he does, but I think some focus would be good for him and honestly, he would be an amazing English teacher.
I told him when we talked, and I've told him this all along, that as long as he is functioning well, living in harmony with me and living up to his responsibilities, he can live here until he's out of school, but it's really all up to him.
He's gonna have to start walkin the walk.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)