A Sense of Responsibility

Having just recently made this blog 'findable' via search engines, I realize I have a responsibility to anyone who might land here seeking information, support, or a CLUE what the hell to do with THEIR Bipolar Son.

Since I began letting Search Engines 'crawl' over my blog, my stats have shown the searches that land people here on my blog.

Things like, "Should I kick my Bipolar son out of my home" and "Bipolar Son ruining my life".

My heart breaks when I see these things, because I GET it.

I get the frustration, the heartache, the FEAR.  I've woken up and gone back to bed every evening with all those feelings for over a year now.

Right now Josh is receiving treatment.  He's SO much 'better'.  But things aren't 100% wonderful.  He continues to drink alcohol on occasion, he isn't taking his medication exactly as prescribed, his sleep is upside down AND he isn't completely his 'old self'.

He isn't working and I'm paying his rent and utility bills.  He just received his last check from his old job, that will be his gas and food money until it's gone.

So things aren't 'normal' yet, and there still is fear that I live with everyday.  He very easily could decide to stop his medications, he might increase his alcohol usage in an attempt to 'feel better', or begin using pot again.  He might refuse to see his therapist or make his next doctor appointment.

Nothing can be taken for granted with this disorder.

Other mothers who have a Bipolar son may read here and think, "Yes!  I'll kick my son out.  That worked for THIS mother!"  But I'd hesitate for anyone to use my experience and apply it to their own situation.

Offering to help Josh get his own apartment did eventually result in him FINALLY coming to me and asking to see a doctor.  The stress of trying to work everyday in the hopes that he could eventually become financially independent DID cause him to cycle to a degree that he couldn't live with, hence his request for medical help.

But any number of things could have happened as a result of handing him responsibility for his own existence.  He could have killed himself.  He could have done something in a mental state that resulted in police intervention.  The outcome could have been very different, and I'll point out, we're not at the 'end' here.  We haven't reached a 'happy ending' yet.  There is no way to predict what might happen today, or tomorrow.

I'll also mention that in the year and half since all this 'began', Josh's condition, everything I've tried to do to help him, has spiraled me into debt.  I HAD a nice little savings account and no debt.  I now have NO savings and have had to use my equity line of credit to help him.  My debt is mounting.  Even if Josh were to stay in treatment and slowly become financially independent from me, the amount of debt I have amassed will leave me battling it for YEARS.

The fact of the matter is, that for Josh to get the medical help he needs, *I* have to pay for it.  He isn't able to, and no one is going to treat him if someone isn't paying the bills.

We are 'lucky' in the sense that Josh has a private health insurance policy.  *I* have been maintaining the payments for his insurance to the tune of $200+ a month.  I have refused to let him become uninsured, my fear being that he'll never be able to get insurance with this diagnosis.  Our state insurance plan requires that you be uninsured for six months to qualify.  How stupid is that?!!

But even with insurance, the uninsured costs of Josh's care (especially his hospitalization last year) are staggering.  Plus I'm supporting him, trying to help him stay in his own apartment.

Would I suggest this to anyone else in my situation?  No.  I wouldn't suggest anything to anyone.  Bipolar manifests itself differently in each person.  There is no ONE way to treat it, there is no ONE way to move through all this.

I have moved through it by the seat of my pants.  I've made many missteps and I've occasionally 'lucked out'. 

More than anything I would hope that any other mother of a Bipolar son who might read here would find comfort in the knowledge that they're not alone, but I sure wouldn't want them to ACT with their child based on my experiences with MY child.

There's too much at stake and everyone moves through this disorder very differently.  Every situation is different, everyone's circumstances are very unique.

Having researched this disorder till I'm SICK TO DEATH of it, I have come to believe that Josh's symptoms, the way this disorder manifests itself in HIM, is very mild compared to many.  Yet, even though it's 'mild', it has totally derailed his life and without treatment he'll never have a 'normal', functioning life.  I cannot imagine having to deal with more severe symptoms.

The best advice I can give, is the best advice I've received.  Over and over again I'm told to take care of myself first.  My friend A reminds me that when flight attendants give their safety talk, they admonish passengers to put on their own oxygen masks, before helping others. 

In all of this, sometimes the ONLY thing you can do at any given moment, is to take care of YOU, because so often, you cannot really take care of THEM.  As I've moved through this, I've done my best in each moment and then tried very hard to let go of it.  Let go and let God.

That's hard to do when the outcome is so fraught with negative possibilities, but the reality is you have to continue to live your life and make the best of a bad situation.

Easy to say, often not so easy to do.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't cried myself to sleep many times over the last year and a half.  And sometimes, that's what you NEED to do.  Let it out and then regroup and face the next day with renewed determination.

One thing I know for sure is I won't give up.  Not yet.  Easily HALF the homeless people you see on a street corner talking gibberish are people who have a mental illness and their families have been forced to finally 'give up'.  I don't ever want to be faced with deciding to give up on Josh, but someday I might have to.

At what point do you decide that you can do no more?  I don't know, I just know that I haven't reached that point yet.  Not by a long shot.

For me, there is always the option of letting Josh move back in with me.  The only upside to that is the money that would be saved.  The downside though is that it will negatively impact my day to day life AND it might 'allow' Josh to not fight so hard for himself, for independence.

Bottom line, day by day is how you cope with this.  It isn't helpful to project and try to figure out the future, because things change with this disorder so quickly.  You make the best decisions you can make and then sit back and wait to see what happens.

That's what I'm doing, waiting to see what happens next.