The last time I posted was September 2016. Wow!
I'm happy to say that my Josh is doing very well. He and his girlfriend broke up shortly after that last post, but he found a young woman who is very well suited to him and she moved in with him about a year ago now.
The result of this is that he's visibly happier.
He's had some rough patches, especially in the winter...he gets into that deep depression and I talk, talk, talk to keep him from killing himself. But for the first time last winter, with his new girlfriend, he did not sink as deep and this winter he's been fine.
He continues to be off medications.
We had a tragedy in our family recently, my older son shot himself in the head on July 27th. I was out of town at the time and it took me 12 hours to get home. They told me immediately that his injuries were non-survivable. He was in the hospital 7 days and in hospice for 9. He was young and strong and in good health so it took his body a while to let go. The entire thing was, of course, horribly and I'm brokenhearted and struggle everyday with this loss.
All this time I've been so worried that Josh would kill himself, it's too unbelievable that my other son did.
He has struggled with addiction his entire adult life, but went into recovery about 18 months before he died. After his death I realized that he had been struggling for a few months with his sobriety and I think he was really, really unhappy with his girlfriend. They had been together for 13 years and had a true LOVE/HATE relationship. They fought all that week she said and then they fought that night, he left and went to the bar, came home drunk and killed himself. I imagine when he came home they fought more, but she's not admitting to that. Her story is he stopped on the way home to get soda, walked in and put them in the fridge and then shot himself. I call bullshit on that. If he intended to shoot himself all night, he wouldn't have stopped to get sodas, right? Like I said, I bet they continued to fight and then he'd had enough and was drunk. Guns and alcohol are not a good combination.
I honestly don't think he would have done this in a sober state of mind. We'd had many discussions about suicide because of Josh's situation and he had strong feelings about it. It's ironic, I always thought alcohol would kill him, but not like this. Not at his own hand.
Josh has handled this pretty well, I was afraid it would cause him to cycle, but he's been a rock for me. He struggles the most with the way his brother looked in the hospital, with his head so swollen and his eyes black and swollen. He is haunted by that.
I'm haunted by all of it. I talked to him on Monday, he called me, just to talk and we made plans to have breakfast, just he and I when I got back from my trip. That Friday night he shot himself. I'm glad we had connected that week and as always, we said "I love you" to each other.
Hold your babies close, even when they're 34, that's all I've got to say.
I continue to pray for everyone who struggles with mental illness or has a loved one who struggles.
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Another Year Gone By
Josh continues to be in a good place. He gets wobbly every now and then, but for the most part I find his coping skills much better than they used to be.
He went off of his medicine again about six months ago, and while I saw him get wobbly in the spring, he never went too far one way or another.
I relieve my stress about a back slide by reminding myself that he has, in the past, gotten himself back to the doctor and back on meds when things start to get bad, and so I remind myself that he seems to be self aware and that he'll take care of it.
He purchased a house this March! A really adorable 2 story, 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home that's about 6 years old. A great starter home. He and his girlfriend now have two dogs and two cats. He doesn't feel like he'll ever want children, and with all those animals I don't think he needs a child right now.
I pray all the time that we continue to be blessed with his improved mental health and I pray that for you and your loved one too.
He went off of his medicine again about six months ago, and while I saw him get wobbly in the spring, he never went too far one way or another.
I relieve my stress about a back slide by reminding myself that he has, in the past, gotten himself back to the doctor and back on meds when things start to get bad, and so I remind myself that he seems to be self aware and that he'll take care of it.
He purchased a house this March! A really adorable 2 story, 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home that's about 6 years old. A great starter home. He and his girlfriend now have two dogs and two cats. He doesn't feel like he'll ever want children, and with all those animals I don't think he needs a child right now.
I pray all the time that we continue to be blessed with his improved mental health and I pray that for you and your loved one too.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Time for a new Post
Here we are again, approaching another Spring. Josh typically cycles in the Spring.
What makes this Spring different for Josh than past Springs is that he is on medication.
He has remained on his anti-convulsive and therefore, his life is moving along nicely.
I think he drinks occasionally, but more in a social way then an abusive way.
He has lived with his girlfriend for two years now, has done very well in his career making more than enough money to live on.
He actually is a lot of fun to be around and that really sweet guy I've always known, is the face I see all the time.
It's funny because when he talks about Bipolar he moves between speaking of it as just a part of himself and then other times he states that he's not convinced he has Bipolar.
What he has told me about being on medication is that he still sometimes feels depressed, but it's not as deep of a depression and it hangs in for a much shorter time period. Conversely, I still occasionally see him a bit 'speedy' and he will say he feels a bit 'speedy' every now and then, but again he's never manic and the speedy feeling is rather fleeting.
He copes amazingly well now that he's on medication. He has gone through some pretty stressful things during this last six months or so and he actually is calmer about it all than I seem to be.
I continue to read a great deal about Bipolar and know that there are many people who advocate for no medication, the thinking being that therapy and behavior modification/biofeedback, etc. can manage it. I think that's probably true for some people, but I know that for Josh, medication has made all the difference between a life worth living and suicide.
When I read the comments here and the emails I receive from other parents of children with Bipolar, I feel your pain. I hear the desperation in your words and remember well that desperation and hopelessness.
I pray that your children will eventually find their way to the right doctor and the right medication, because for me and my child, it has set our world 'right' again.
What makes this Spring different for Josh than past Springs is that he is on medication.
He has remained on his anti-convulsive and therefore, his life is moving along nicely.
I think he drinks occasionally, but more in a social way then an abusive way.
He has lived with his girlfriend for two years now, has done very well in his career making more than enough money to live on.
He actually is a lot of fun to be around and that really sweet guy I've always known, is the face I see all the time.
It's funny because when he talks about Bipolar he moves between speaking of it as just a part of himself and then other times he states that he's not convinced he has Bipolar.
What he has told me about being on medication is that he still sometimes feels depressed, but it's not as deep of a depression and it hangs in for a much shorter time period. Conversely, I still occasionally see him a bit 'speedy' and he will say he feels a bit 'speedy' every now and then, but again he's never manic and the speedy feeling is rather fleeting.
He copes amazingly well now that he's on medication. He has gone through some pretty stressful things during this last six months or so and he actually is calmer about it all than I seem to be.
I continue to read a great deal about Bipolar and know that there are many people who advocate for no medication, the thinking being that therapy and behavior modification/biofeedback, etc. can manage it. I think that's probably true for some people, but I know that for Josh, medication has made all the difference between a life worth living and suicide.
When I read the comments here and the emails I receive from other parents of children with Bipolar, I feel your pain. I hear the desperation in your words and remember well that desperation and hopelessness.
I pray that your children will eventually find their way to the right doctor and the right medication, because for me and my child, it has set our world 'right' again.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Robin Williams RIP
We talk about the day the music died, yesterday will go down in history as the day that comedy died.
Robin Williams cannot be replaced. He was a comic genius.
My heart goes out to his family and friends.
Mr. Williams was a perfect example of the notion, 'the higher the highs, the lower the lows'. His manic performances are legendary, yet he often talked about the crushing lows. In an interview in 2006 he stated that he had never been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or Clinical Depression. He stated that his mania was an act, but that the depression was real.
For those of us who have a loved one who struggles with the depression that accompanies Bipolar Disorder, losing Robin Williams to depression induced suicide is a wake up call to increase our vigilance......
and to talk about mental illness!
When will the stigma go away? How many lives have to be lost in this way before we, as a society, lift the veil, step out from behind the curtain and actually begin dealing with this illness in appropriate ways?
I'm a bit of a hypocrite in this because, here I am writing a blog about parenting a Bipolar Son anonymously. I do this to protect my son's privacy because he has yet to fully embrace his diagnosis; he is a prisoner of the stigma.
Mr. Williams gave the world so much, but maybe in the end he'll leave behind a legacy of not just his amazing talent, but also the beginnings of a movement to de-stigmatize mental illness.
In his honor, educate yourselves about mental illness so that you can offer support for the people in your life who suffer from it. And trust me, there is someone in your life who is suffering from mental illness, whether you recognize it or not.
Robin Williams cannot be replaced. He was a comic genius.
My heart goes out to his family and friends.
Mr. Williams was a perfect example of the notion, 'the higher the highs, the lower the lows'. His manic performances are legendary, yet he often talked about the crushing lows. In an interview in 2006 he stated that he had never been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or Clinical Depression. He stated that his mania was an act, but that the depression was real.
For those of us who have a loved one who struggles with the depression that accompanies Bipolar Disorder, losing Robin Williams to depression induced suicide is a wake up call to increase our vigilance......
and to talk about mental illness!
When will the stigma go away? How many lives have to be lost in this way before we, as a society, lift the veil, step out from behind the curtain and actually begin dealing with this illness in appropriate ways?
I'm a bit of a hypocrite in this because, here I am writing a blog about parenting a Bipolar Son anonymously. I do this to protect my son's privacy because he has yet to fully embrace his diagnosis; he is a prisoner of the stigma.
Mr. Williams gave the world so much, but maybe in the end he'll leave behind a legacy of not just his amazing talent, but also the beginnings of a movement to de-stigmatize mental illness.
In his honor, educate yourselves about mental illness so that you can offer support for the people in your life who suffer from it. And trust me, there is someone in your life who is suffering from mental illness, whether you recognize it or not.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
A Very Bright Young Man
As I said in my post four months ago, Josh has been struggling. Thankfully his mood swings have been fairly mild, but they do make his life more difficult than it needs to be.
He has slowly arrived at a better place, and all of it was through his own desire to get there.
He stopped drinking, etc. because he's wise enough to know that it only creates more issues.
He went shopping for a new psychiatrist, because his old doctor isn't covered under his new health insurance.
The process took a while, and his heart wasn't really it, but his head knew that he needed to stick with it and get some help.
He seems to like his new doctor, who put him on an anti-convulsive med (which has some pretty scary side effects). So far he's doing OK on the med, but it will take another week or so to see improvements in his mood.
He met for the first time this week with a new therapist who works under his psychiatrist. "She's a little bit older than you I think, and I really liked her."
"Well, if she's my age it means she probably has amassed lots of wisdom she can share with you."
I'm so proud of Josh for getting here on his own. Yes, we've had many discussions about his moods, and yes, I've encouraged him and offered support, but he picked up the ball and carried it.
I think that's key with all this Bipolar stuff. They have to find their way, and we're left to stand by and wring our hands. We want to rescue them, but they really have to save themselves.
He has slowly arrived at a better place, and all of it was through his own desire to get there.
He stopped drinking, etc. because he's wise enough to know that it only creates more issues.
He went shopping for a new psychiatrist, because his old doctor isn't covered under his new health insurance.
The process took a while, and his heart wasn't really it, but his head knew that he needed to stick with it and get some help.
He seems to like his new doctor, who put him on an anti-convulsive med (which has some pretty scary side effects). So far he's doing OK on the med, but it will take another week or so to see improvements in his mood.
He met for the first time this week with a new therapist who works under his psychiatrist. "She's a little bit older than you I think, and I really liked her."
"Well, if she's my age it means she probably has amassed lots of wisdom she can share with you."
I'm so proud of Josh for getting here on his own. Yes, we've had many discussions about his moods, and yes, I've encouraged him and offered support, but he picked up the ball and carried it.
I think that's key with all this Bipolar stuff. They have to find their way, and we're left to stand by and wring our hands. We want to rescue them, but they really have to save themselves.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Almost Four Years
Josh was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder in April 2010. That seems like a lifetime ago, and yet, those first two years are as fresh in my memory as if they happened last week.
In spite of the fact that I haven't posted anything here for months and months, this blog continues to get a massive number of hits each month. That reality saddens me because it means that there are a large number of people who are effected by Bipolar in some way.
Josh remains off meds, but I continue to see glimpses of Bipolar working its way through his life. He has dealt with several pretty stressful life events, and at those times he gets a bit 'wobbly'; he loses his temper easily and reacts in ways that are out of character for him and over the top considering the event that set him off.
I believe Josh self medicates with alcohol and recently he told me that he had been using inhalants (purchased legally at a head shop). Of course, I was.......appalled, worried, disappointed. He had stopped using the inhalants but he said to me, "It's a decision I have to make anew every single day. It's not easy Mom." As is true for most people who struggle with mental illness (or addictions), the goal for Josh is to "feel better or cope better".
Clearly his coping skills are not what they should be, but all of this is out of my hands. Please don't read that as..."I wash my hands of the whole mess." It's just that all I can do is monitor, advise and pray a lot. I do all three. Josh refuses to see a therapist to help in learning better coping skills, he continues to refuse medications and he continues to say that he doesn't have Bipolar.
I read a book this weekend, "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. It's the story of his families experience as his son, Nic, struggles through Meth addiction. It's a sad, hard book to read but much of it resonated with me. My older son has struggled with addiction and as most parents of Bipolar children know, often addiction and Bipolar go hand in hand. What some of my readers might find helpful about the book is the process that David Sheff goes through in finding that delicate fine line between worry and (relative) peace.
You worry about your child, endlessly, and yet, you cannot stop living. You don't know how much to do, or even what to do. You can't sleep, can't eat, often can't function.
Eventually you realize that you also can't live that way and you find that the Serenity Prayer is the ONE thing you can do, the ONE life line that is always readily available to you, and if you're smart, you'll use it and own it and be one with it.
"Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference"
There is nothing more than that. It says it all.
To live with the specter of drug addiction or mental illness in our children's lives, the Serenity Prayer becomes our saving Grace. Available to everyone and totally free.
It's easy for me to walk that fine line while Josh is (mostly) healthy. If he ever cycles again, I hope that I'll come back to this blog and read these posts that I've written during the easier times and find the help I'll need during the bad times.
Your comments that tell of your own personal struggles continue to sadden me, and yet, I'm always thankful that some of you find hope in Josh's story. I pray that you all can find that fine line and learn to walk it.
In spite of the fact that I haven't posted anything here for months and months, this blog continues to get a massive number of hits each month. That reality saddens me because it means that there are a large number of people who are effected by Bipolar in some way.
Josh remains off meds, but I continue to see glimpses of Bipolar working its way through his life. He has dealt with several pretty stressful life events, and at those times he gets a bit 'wobbly'; he loses his temper easily and reacts in ways that are out of character for him and over the top considering the event that set him off.
I believe Josh self medicates with alcohol and recently he told me that he had been using inhalants (purchased legally at a head shop). Of course, I was.......appalled, worried, disappointed. He had stopped using the inhalants but he said to me, "It's a decision I have to make anew every single day. It's not easy Mom." As is true for most people who struggle with mental illness (or addictions), the goal for Josh is to "feel better or cope better".
Clearly his coping skills are not what they should be, but all of this is out of my hands. Please don't read that as..."I wash my hands of the whole mess." It's just that all I can do is monitor, advise and pray a lot. I do all three. Josh refuses to see a therapist to help in learning better coping skills, he continues to refuse medications and he continues to say that he doesn't have Bipolar.
I read a book this weekend, "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. It's the story of his families experience as his son, Nic, struggles through Meth addiction. It's a sad, hard book to read but much of it resonated with me. My older son has struggled with addiction and as most parents of Bipolar children know, often addiction and Bipolar go hand in hand. What some of my readers might find helpful about the book is the process that David Sheff goes through in finding that delicate fine line between worry and (relative) peace.
You worry about your child, endlessly, and yet, you cannot stop living. You don't know how much to do, or even what to do. You can't sleep, can't eat, often can't function.
Eventually you realize that you also can't live that way and you find that the Serenity Prayer is the ONE thing you can do, the ONE life line that is always readily available to you, and if you're smart, you'll use it and own it and be one with it.
"Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference"
There is nothing more than that. It says it all.
To live with the specter of drug addiction or mental illness in our children's lives, the Serenity Prayer becomes our saving Grace. Available to everyone and totally free.
It's easy for me to walk that fine line while Josh is (mostly) healthy. If he ever cycles again, I hope that I'll come back to this blog and read these posts that I've written during the easier times and find the help I'll need during the bad times.
Your comments that tell of your own personal struggles continue to sadden me, and yet, I'm always thankful that some of you find hope in Josh's story. I pray that you all can find that fine line and learn to walk it.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
And Now it's Fall
Josh had a few small 'bumps' after moving in with his girlfriend. It was a very stressful adjustment for him, and there were a few times when his reactions were.....not good.
He also lost it at work one day and was in fear of losing his job. Everything worked out in the end though.
The further away from meds he gets, the more convinced he is that he was misdiagnosed. I'm not a health care professional, but I feel strongly that he was not misdiagnosed. I feel that Bipolar will negatively effect his life again sometime in the future.
I'd LOVE to be wrong.
Enough time has passed since Josh went off his meds that I have begun to let go of that low grade worry that I have carried around. No matter how hard you try to let it go, even though you know it's all out of your control, there remains a niggling worry, but mine has become less and less.
I continue to be broken hearted by the emails I receive and comments left on this blog from people who have also been negatively effected by Bipolar. It is such a difficult path to walk and I admire so much the people who live with it and find a way to create a normal life around it.
He also lost it at work one day and was in fear of losing his job. Everything worked out in the end though.
The further away from meds he gets, the more convinced he is that he was misdiagnosed. I'm not a health care professional, but I feel strongly that he was not misdiagnosed. I feel that Bipolar will negatively effect his life again sometime in the future.
I'd LOVE to be wrong.
Enough time has passed since Josh went off his meds that I have begun to let go of that low grade worry that I have carried around. No matter how hard you try to let it go, even though you know it's all out of your control, there remains a niggling worry, but mine has become less and less.
I continue to be broken hearted by the emails I receive and comments left on this blog from people who have also been negatively effected by Bipolar. It is such a difficult path to walk and I admire so much the people who live with it and find a way to create a normal life around it.
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